Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 17:08     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:Here's my dilemma:

Wife and I have been married for 13 years. When we were dating, we both said we wanted a big family. After we got married, we ran into some fertility issues that we did not know about prior to getting married. She needed help to get pregnant and when she finally did and our son was born, I was content and did not want anymore kids. I did not tell her that. She made it clear that she wanted to have another child even though we had fertility issues and would need help again. She said that instead of the big family we agreed to prior to getting married, she would settle for having two children total. I was not on board with that because I was ok with just the one child. I decided to just "wait and see" if she would change her mind but she still wanted another child and the topic continued to come up over five years. When our son was three, she brought it up to me and told me she was ready to try again soon. I told her that I do not want anymore kids and she told me that she wishes I had told her when our child was younger (he's 5 now) because now she's older and she could have had the choice to move on with her life and have a child. I guilty and backed into a corner and told her fine, I just want her to be happy and we can try again. We would go back and forth over this for the next two years, with me agreeing and then changing my mind several times. Fast forward to the other day and now I have changed my mind and definitely do NOT want to go forward with having another child. She told me she feels betrayed and that I should have just told her the truth from the beginning and she also feels like I jerked her around by going back and forth over this as she continued to get older, with her fertility decreasing. She said that we are not on the same page anymore and that we should go our separate ways so she can have the chance to have another child while she still has some chance of conceiving. Why is it this extreme? Why can't she just move on from it and accept that we have one child and that's enough for me? Why should we break up our family over this? Do I not have the right to change my mind?


She has accepted it. Why can't you accept that one child is not enough for her? You sound like an asshole. She should leave you regardless of the baby thing.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 17:06     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
If OP is real I agree he’s probably emotionally unavailable and the wife, while willing to hold on for sake of her kid and promise of at least the second is divorcing him for who he is. She’s probably truly finding that he’s a lying selfish user who lead her on for years hoping he’d never be found out. She’s well done with you and whether she has another baby or not-she and the child will be healthier having OP out of their day to day as much as possible.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 17:02     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.



Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.




She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself


Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.


I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.


You need to tell HER those things, OP. You need to have a conversation about this issue with your wife that is all about HER. Leave out your own feelings, other than that you love her and regret lying.


I have told her all of those things but the last conversation we had, I asked her would she rather have one child or no children? That seemed to hurt and infuriate her more and now she's talking divorce.


Well that was a weird thing to say. That's not the choice she has to make. She already has one child. Her choice is would she rather be married to you with one child or divorced with one child and the possibility of another. But no kids isn't an option. One already exists.

I suspect she was mad because your statement didn't make any sense, and suggests that you don't understand the situation at all, or aren't taking it seriously. I mean really, where is the no children option coming from in your mind?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 16:11     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
“Why is it this extreme? Why can't she just move on from it and accept that we have one child and that's enough for me? Why should we break up our family over this? Do I not have the right to change my mind?”

That is the part that I don’t like. “ Why can’t she just accept that that is enough for me? “

Really?

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 16:10     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not

OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.



Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 16:02     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:OP she's NEVER going to have no children. You have a child. What kind of a question even is that?

I honestly don't want to help you save your marriage because I think your wife SHOULD divorce you. Good luck!


I know right? I feel bad for this woman and I wish her well in her next marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 16:00     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal to change your mind about the number of children after you have an actual child.

With that being said, OP should've told his wife as soon as he was certain that he didn't want any more children and not wait 5 years. Otoh, OP's wife is incredibly selfish for wanting to break up her existing family over a hypothetical child that she may never have. If there were other problems, sure. But this is one issue? That's ridiculous.


This seems like OP sock puppeting himself. I find it hard to believe there are two people who are this clueless.

Just in case:

It’s not about the child! It’s about lying to her for half a decade and claiming it’s NBD and that she should be grateful for the deceit. If OP says even a fraction of the stuff he wrote on this thread, it’s a miracle his wife hasn’t left him already.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 15:52     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal to change your mind about the number of children after you have an actual child.

With that being said, OP should've told his wife as soon as he was certain that he didn't want any more children and not wait 5 years. Otoh, OP's wife is incredibly selfish for wanting to break up her existing family over a hypothetical child that she may never have. If there were other problems, sure. But this is one issue? That's ridiculous.


I think the issue is the lying and complete and utter lack of regard for her feelings whatsoever more than the second child.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 15:52     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal to change your mind about the number of children after you have an actual child.

With that being said, OP should've told his wife as soon as he was certain that he didn't want any more children and not wait 5 years. Otoh, OP's wife is incredibly selfish for wanting to break up her existing family over a hypothetical child that she may never have. If there were other problems, sure. But this is one issue? That's ridiculous.


Like lying to her for years and totally dismissing her feelings?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 15:48     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
It's completely normal to change your mind about the number of children after you have an actual child.

With that being said, OP should've told his wife as soon as he was certain that he didn't want any more children and not wait 5 years. Otoh, OP's wife is incredibly selfish for wanting to break up her existing family over a hypothetical child that she may never have. If there were other problems, sure. But this is one issue? That's ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 15:00     Subject: Wife wants another child; I do not
OP she's NEVER going to have no children. You have a child. What kind of a question even is that?

I honestly don't want to help you save your marriage because I think your wife SHOULD divorce you. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 14:44     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.



Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.


She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself


Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.


I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.


You need to tell HER those things, OP. You need to have a conversation about this issue with your wife that is all about HER. Leave out your own feelings, other than that you love her and regret lying.


I have told her all of those things but the last conversation we had, I asked her would she rather have one child or no children? That seemed to hurt and infuriate her more and now she's talking divorce.


First of all, that's a total non sequitur. Second, it's a dick thing to say.

Look, you claim you love your wife and you don't want a divorce, but you are acting like a tool and your insistence that her feelings are wrong is going to blow up your marriage. This is about far more than her wanting another child. This is about you being totally dismissive of her wishes (for years!) and her feelings. If you had been honest from the beginning, you guys could have talked it through,
maybe even sought counseling to help you sort out the issues. Maybe she would have divorced you to have a chance to have another child, but I'd say that the odds of that are pretty low. But now that you've lied to her for years, and you're hell-bent on framing this as her not being grateful to have a child at all, it's about way more than that--it's about your selfishness and deceit. And telling her how she should feel, that she's wrong to feel the way she does, denying her grief at not having more children, etc., is going to crush any love she has for you if you don't knock it off.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 14:35     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.



Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.




She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself


Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.


I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.



So HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!! I don’t know anyone that regretted having another child, but I know plenty that regretted not having one. It’s a lot easier for you to deal with infertility and newborn phase (both relatively short) than for her to deal with a lifetime of regrets and resentment. You are wrong here, YOU made the mistake, YOU adapt to your wife wishes if you want to save your marriage.


Also, having one more will eventually make your life easier because they will have each other. On weekends I don’t see my kids until 10am or so because they are playing with each other (5 and 3). It’s really amazing to have 2


There would be a big age gap between the two. They're not going to entertain each other.


They will eventually, but I mean you should not h e a second so you won’t have to play and entertain the first.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 14:35     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.



Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.




She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself


Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.


I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.



So HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!! I don’t know anyone that regretted having another child, but I know plenty that regretted not having one. It’s a lot easier for you to deal with infertility and newborn phase (both relatively short) than for her to deal with a lifetime of regrets and resentment. You are wrong here, YOU made the mistake, YOU adapt to your wife wishes if you want to save your marriage.


Also, having one more will eventually make your life easier because they will have each other. On weekends I don’t see my kids until 10am or so because they are playing with each other (5 and 3). It’s really amazing to have 2


There would be a big age gap between the two. They're not going to entertain each other.


My two were five years apart, older boy younger girl, they definitely did entertain each other and play with each other.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2019 14:34     Subject: Re:Wife wants another child; I do not
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.



Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.




She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself


Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.


I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.


You need to tell HER those things, OP. You need to have a conversation about this issue with your wife that is all about HER. Leave out your own feelings, other than that you love her and regret lying.


I have told her all of those things but the last conversation we had, I asked her would she rather have one child or no children? That seemed to hurt and infuriate her more and now she's talking divorce.