Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Your daughter thinks the other 5 girls she doesn't like as much will be grateful to be included at all?

OP - you need to remind your daughter that her birthday party is for people to gather around to honor her. To give her attention. To give her gifts. To make her the center.
For her to think she's doing the 5 excluded kids a favor by basically letting them fawn over her and give her gifts is making me think she's already heading down the path of being a very self-centered girl. She may not intentionally be a "mean girl" but she is heading down that path.


Second - if you decide to let her do this - you should at least make her tell the excluded girls that there is a sleepover following the party and they are not invited to that. It let's those excluded girls decide if they want to spend time fawning over someone who doesn't think of them too highly. Personally? I'd rather know (and decline your dd's "generous " offer of the whole thing)

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Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

LOL! I think you actually believe this.

It didn't when we had friends sleep over after the party. So, I can see why she would believe it.

Just curious. Did you read the thread about the sports JV girls team that played a prank (bullied) one girl on that team and excluded her from a once-in-a-lifetime event? If you didn't, go back and read how many times the OP (and some of the others) told the OP to definitely NOT say anything to the other mothers. And some even said not to tell the coach. And the OP plans to NOT tell the coach.

That was a much bigger deal than your silly party and still, no kid or parent wants to confront the bully's parents about it. I can almost guaranty that those kids that were left out of both your parties know about it - they're just not telling you or anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:I'm American and people here are WAY too sensitive. Not everyone gets invited to everything.

Have the sleepover girls arrive 15 minutes beforehand to stash their bags/pillows away in a room or closet and tell them not to brag about the sleepover.

Excluding ONE girl would be totally cruel. Having half stay is fine.

If it's so fine to do this, why stash away the sleepover gear and tell the girls not to talk about it? You can't have it both ways. If you think it's totally acceptable, then everyone should not be afraid to talk about it and it should be out in the open.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

Nobody said it was a traumatic event. But it is hurtful and mean. Ask yourself this if you can be kind why wouldn't you chose that? I get the impression from you and op's dd that the "B" girls should be so honored to be invited to part of the party...they are so lame that surely they should be thrilled at getting the crumbs...meanwhile the girls really know the deal. They are not true friends and it looks like a gift grab.

I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party and told to leave before the dinner...would you? the girls probably would understand if they weren't invited because they are not close friends. I can't believe anyone wouldn't see how mean it is to invite someone to only part of the event. These girls would feel worse if they were invited and excluded rather than excluded altogether.

Why? They were invited to the larger party. So they are not "B" list. But, in our case, the parents said you can pick 2 girls to stay over. The sleeping bags were not visible, the birthday girl was instructed not to discuss it at the party and it wasn't.

Repeat this as needed: you can't be expected to be invited to everything. And there may be reasons beyond "friendship" as to why you weren't invited. That is what we teach our daughter when she is not invited to things. If all girls but one or two were invited to sleep over, you may have a point with "mean" or "hurtful." But, sorry, I am just not able to agree with it otherwise.

How difficult would it be for you just to invite the people you want to sleep over to the party? Please don't invite my dd out of pity and a gift. If my dd isn't a friend that is totally fine. Why pretend that that she is only good for the crumbs?

How hard is it for you to grasp? We totally get that not everyone is invited so please do not invite my dd if you intend to be so exclusionary! It is much better to not go to ANY party than a party you describe. You think you are doing the b girls a favor that they should be "honored" and "grateful" and we are telling you that your party is not the highlight of our lives and you should get over yourself.

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Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

DP Look the op's dd thinks she is doing the B list girls a favor by merely inviting them to part of the party. She is not. Just because something happened " a lot" doesn't make it right. My dd was invited and we had no idea it was also a sleep over party which she was not invited too. Did she get over it? Yes, but, then we knew this girl wasn't a friend. She wanted more gifts or thought she was doing my dd a big favor.

We are not saying people can't handle not being invited but, we are saying that you can't have two different parties and it is mean and unfair. If I had a friend who only invited me for appetizers and made me leave before the fun dinner party I would not feel honored that at least they included me. I would feel insulted and wish they hadn't invited me at all. Why pretend? These b girls are mere acquaintances.

I am not talking at all about whether people can or can't handle it. It's about a totally different mindset altogether: it's just not an issue. We didn't experience"invite the whole class" issues ever. Kids know that parents set the limitations for the party and work with them. If a parent said "X kids max for an activity and Y kids max for a sleepover" then kids work it out. They would arrange their own sleepovers. Most of the time, when I was picking up kids from a party, I would get one or two or three extra for the night. If they are fringe friends (or Facebook friends equivalent) then they are there for the party, just like the second cousin at your wedding.

This is a whole different generation of kids and parents. Everyone is easily offended and hurt, and very fragile.

My kids were in middle school not that long time ago. By middle school kids should understand the different levels of friendship. "Invite everyone" is DCUM special.

You guys are really tone deaf. We are NOT saying invite the whole class. We are saying the exact opposite. What we are saying is don't invite the fringe girls and then EXCLUDE them from part of the party. If you think that you can only handle six girls and those are her closest friends, great. Invite ONLY those six girls. Don't act like you are doing the other girls such a favor. They can be friendly with each other but, then they will know that they aren't close intimate friends ( and that is ok) In fact, as I've repeatedly said I would rather NOT be invited at all than only get the crumbs.

If you go forward with your plan op than it is mean. When it happened to my dd we didn't say one thing to the hosts or the girl who did it. Nor did I talk to anyone else who was at the party. It wouldn't have done a thing to change it. But, I did talk to my dd and it changed how we personally felt about the girl and her parents. Just because someone does not complain does not mean they think it is right.

We decided to move on and let it go which is the reason we didn't mention anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't.

When I was about this age, I was invited to a birthday party. My parents always ran a little late and I wondered why no on had left yet and I wasn't the last to leave. It finally dawned on me that were staying for a sleepover and I was not. I get why - I wasn't that close with the birthday girl but it was hurtful.

Really? She wasn't that much of a friend but got offended?

Uh, yeah sitting around waiting for my parents to come was really awkward. And uncomfortable as I didn't know in advance. Were you ever 12?

Anonymous wrote:Please don't.

When I was about this age, I was invited to a birthday party. My parents always ran a little late and I wondered why no on had left yet and I wasn't the last to leave. It finally dawned on me that were staying for a sleepover and I was not. I get why - I wasn't that close with the birthday girl but it was hurtful.

Really? She wasn't that much of a friend but got offended?

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Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

DP Look the op's dd thinks she is doing the B list girls a favor by merely inviting them to part of the party. She is not. Just because something happened " a lot" doesn't make it right. My dd was invited and we had no idea it was also a sleep over party which she was not invited too. Did she get over it? Yes, but, then we knew this girl wasn't a friend. She wanted more gifts or thought she was doing my dd a big favor.

We are not saying people can't handle not being invited but, we are saying that you can't have two different parties and it is mean and unfair. If I had a friend who only invited me for appetizers and made me leave before the fun dinner party I would not feel honored that at least they included me. I would feel insulted and wish they hadn't invited me at all. Why pretend? These b girls are mere acquaintances.

I am not talking at all about whether people can or can't handle it. It's about a totally different mindset altogether: it's just not an issue. We didn't experience"invite the whole class" issues ever. Kids know that parents set the limitations for the party and work with them. If a parent said "X kids max for an activity and Y kids max for a sleepover" then kids work it out. They would arrange their own sleepovers. Most of the time, when I was picking up kids from a party, I would get one or two or three extra for the night. If they are fringe friends (or Facebook friends equivalent) then they are there for the party, just like the second cousin at your wedding.

This is a whole different generation of kids and parents. Everyone is easily offended and hurt, and very fragile.

My kids were in middle school not that long time ago. By middle school kids should understand the different levels of friendship. "Invite everyone" is DCUM special.

Please don't.

When I was about this age, I was invited to a birthday party. My parents always ran a little late and I wondered why no on had left yet and I wasn't the last to leave. It finally dawned on me that were staying for a sleepover and I was not. I get why - I wasn't that close with the birthday girl but it was hurtful.

Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

NO

Exception would be if a cousin or extremely close friend who formerly lived in the area, if either scheduled their visit to the area to coincide w/the date of the party.

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The other girls aren't "supposed to do" anything. So, I'm not sure what your point is. They simply didn't talk about it. By Monday, the kids were on to the next party, event.

And like I said, I really could not care less what you think of "my part." I have no obligation to choose between having 12 girls sleep over or finding another date/time when this one worked fine for us. I"m sorry you don't like that.

Why do you think you know whether the kids talked about it? That's very naive. You should just accept that what you did was rude.

I know because there was absolutely no blow back from it. Neither she nor I experienced any issues with her friends or her parents. Or maybe they did hear and just didn't care. Which is fine, too. That's what grown-ups do and teach their kids. Try it.

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

If we were chatting with a woman whose daughter had been excluded, people would likely acknowledge the hurt but encourage the daughter to work through it. We, however, are chatting with someone who is deciding whether to exclude. So, we are going to say don't be mean. The audience matters.

Anonymous wrote:Its low class but you do you.

Most ridiculous comment on this thread. This has nothing to do with class. Plus, someone saying "you do you" has no business talking about class.

Its low class but you do you.

I can't believe this is even a question. Of course it's not ok. You don't have to invite everyone to a party. But you can't invite people to only stay for part of a party. It scares me to think that people like this are raising kids.