Anonymous
09/17/2018 12:36
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
What is your point? We know that we are privileged. Our kids know that, as well. They see that their friends at school are incurring student debt.
In our family, we pay for our kids' undergraduate degrees. They are responsible for their spending money, and for getting good grades.
We don't check grades but our kids share them with us when it occurs to them.
Our kids are young adults now. One just finished medical school and the other is at a SLAC, doing very well. They both have credit cards, which they pay off monthly. Neither lives at home (but they would be welcome to do so if it would help them get through grad or professional school more easily). They are responsible young adults.
So again, I ask you: What is your point?
Anonymous
09/17/2018 12:21
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
OP, I think if you worry, you ask. I assume if one worries, it's because you were given -sometime in the past - a reason to worry. I wanted to be informed re: classes I knew were prerequisites for others ... completing the major. Probably checked on grades 4 times in 4 years.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 11:50
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Are you serious? Do you know that most kids go to college with zero help from family, right?. It is a complete luxury to pay for a college education for your kids. It is by far not the norm. They could easily go to community college, work part time while going to school part time, take a gap year and save money. Do one semester school, one semester paid co-op/internship. Have worked PT all 4 years of high school and saved up a good chunk of money to help.
It is absolutely NOT a necessity for parents to pay for kids college. It is not a necessity to go to a 4yr college and pay $15K a year to live there PLUS $5 to eat there. Most people don't pay $20K a year on their mortgage. But you think paying that for one kid to live in a box shared with a stranger is a must? This is a huge issue. It is a huge burden for many families, dipping into savings, taking out equity lines, decreasing retirement savings, etc... for this fake news of success in life. And then they spend a lifetime paying off debt, that started at the age of 20. And the kids that don't have any debt because Mommy and Daddy paid for it all? They are the first to rack up credit card debt, live outside their means of a their first job, and continue to depend on their parents well into their 20's. Many move back home.
So many parents have their kids beef up their college resumes with nonsense instead of having their kids do well at school and work part time, like the majority of us did. And being held accountable is a GOOD thing. Handing over free money and saying "I will still watch over you to make sure you don't mess up because this is my money" is an extremely bad thing. And the fact that most of you don't see that is very scary.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 10:59
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:You are not paying for the degree, you are giving your offspring the best opportunities to grow into an adult. This also means letting them learn from their mistakes. Sure, it’s a gamble and it’s expensive, but I hope you feel they are worth it. I’ve made many many mistakes in life. Enough to hope my DD makes a number of her own and survives.
+1
The fact that I am the adult with money doesn't mean I control their lives. Might doesn't make right. They are their own person, and in our house, I'm a trusted advisor - but at the end of the day, they make and own their decisions.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 10:38
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
You are not paying for the degree, you are giving your offspring the best opportunities to grow into an adult. This also means letting them learn from their mistakes. Sure, it’s a gamble and it’s expensive, but I hope you feel they are worth it. I’ve made many many mistakes in life. Enough to hope my DD makes a number of her own and survives.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 09:56
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
if you are paying for the degree, you have a right to check the grades imho.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 09:45
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was never tempted. She shared good and bad with me.
Because you knew that she was doing well overall, if you thought otherwise, you would be tempted.
Not that pp but, nope, I'm not tempted. My kid has scholarship money tied to GPA. If my kid loses the scholarship money that is going to impact the tuition bill and some trade offs are going to be necessary. The more upfront our kid is with us, the more proactive our kid is (talking to academic advisor, seeking tutoring, going to professor's hours), the better the options will be.
Hopefully that will never be an issue but if it becomes an issue we will most certainly be made aware of it as soon as the next tuition bill arrives - whether our kid gives us a heads up or not.
Great to hear your adult child is only proactive when you are on him like a hawk. Great life lessons.
I'm not on my kid like a hawk, though. Quiet the opposite. I have almost no knowledge of any grades and I'm not about to pry and look them up. It's up to mu kid to do homework, study for tests, etc. I can't do that for my kid and nagging my kid from afar is pretty pointless. If my kid is not doing the work, not showing up to class that is going to be reflected in the GPA. If the scholarship money goes away, there will be consequences and some sort of adjustments will need to be made. Such is life and such is how the real world works.
I expect for my kid to tell me about semester grades. I expect my kid to tell me if they are going to change their major. I expect my kid to tell me if the tuition bill is about to change dramatically.
I do not expect to be a fly on the wall in their dorm room. And I won't electronically spy on them or attempt to remote control them. I also am well aware that even really smart kids can get caught up in the distractions of college.....I know that I sure did
.
Most of all, I am here for my kid and will always offer the best advice that I know how to give.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 09:20
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:I have parent's portal so I can see the bills and pay the tuition/fees. The same portal shows the registration info and grades.
My insurance company made a huge deal about my D turning 18 and privacy rights. But then when I receive the bill, they provide me with all the information that's supposed to be "private."
Your kid had to give you rights to see the grades. It’s not automatic. For one kid he had to give us rights just to see fees (we didn’t ask for grades, DC is self motivated). The other kid’s school sent paper bills to us.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 07:29
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
If you need to hold money over your young adult kid’s head to make him share information, that is a sorry state of affairs indeed.
Sad.
You are missing the point. The point is should kids be accountable if parents are paying. Yes, they should tell you. Mine always does but I also want to see them. Its a lot of money for them just to goof off.
To me, the point is to raise responsible adults who are good stewards of finances and other resources, no matter who is paying the bill. The point is to maintain good parent/adult child relationships based on mutual trust and respect.
We have paid for higher education for our kids on the understanding that we would do our part, and they would do theirs. It has worked for us and them.
I would never hold money over my kids’ heads this way.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 07:25
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
It doesn’t work that way in our house. Our kids are accountable to themselves.
One just finished med school and the other gets excellent (self-reported) grades, so we have done something right.
Our kids are accountable to us if they expect us to pay.
PP here. We have paid for their undergraduate education. It never occurred to us not to do so.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 06:18
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I've never understood why American parents are so quick to throw the label "helicopter parent" for something so simple as checking their kids' grades on parent portal. How come you never hear Americans use the phrase helicopter parents to describe parents in India who not only dictate their child's college major, but their child's spouse as well? The American version of helicopter parenting is nothing!
Did you have a parent portal when you were a kid? Nope
No, but the grades were sent to the parents via snail mail.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 01:22
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
If you need to hold money over your young adult kid’s head to make him share information, that is a sorry state of affairs indeed.
Sad.
That is this generation’s parenting to a T. They invest in their kids (schools, club sports, tutors, colleges etc...) and want to see immediate return on their investment.
Meanwhile, they forgot to parent and their kids have zero common sense, no executive functioning skills, no street smarts, severe lack of autonomy, and rarely have time management, personal ambition, or can get out of jam themselves. Never allowed to fail. Can’t think for themselves. But..... after 2 years of tutors and test prep, they did get a 36 on their ACT!
Anonymous
09/17/2018 01:17
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was never tempted. She shared good and bad with me.
Because you knew that she was doing well overall, if you thought otherwise, you would be tempted.
Not that pp but, nope, I'm not tempted. My kid has scholarship money tied to GPA. If my kid loses the scholarship money that is going to impact the tuition bill and some trade offs are going to be necessary. The more upfront our kid is with us, the more proactive our kid is (talking to academic advisor, seeking tutoring, going to professor's hours), the better the options will be.
Hopefully that will never be an issue but if it becomes an issue we will most certainly be made aware of it as soon as the next tuition bill arrives - whether our kid gives us a heads up or not.
Great to hear your adult child is only proactive when you are on him like a hawk. Great life lessons.
Anonymous
09/17/2018 01:16
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:I've never understood why American parents are so quick to throw the label "helicopter parent" for something so simple as checking their kids' grades on parent portal. How come you never hear Americans use the phrase helicopter parents to describe parents in India who not only dictate their child's college major, but their child's spouse as well? The American version of helicopter parenting is nothing!
Did you have a parent portal when you were a kid? Nope
Anonymous
09/16/2018 22:37
Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.
What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)
Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
What is wrong with having accountability? If your parents are paying the bill, you should be accountable. You will always be accountable in your life - parents, teachers, boss, spouse, etc. You think parents should just write blank check and never care.
My kid is accountable to himself and to his professors.
Do you think the professors care at all? No. If I pay the bill, they are accountable to me. If they don't want to be accountable, they can pay for it on their own.
If you need to hold money over your young adult kid’s head to make him share information, that is a sorry state of affairs indeed.
Sad.
You are missing the point. The point is should kids be accountable if parents are paying. Yes, they should tell you. Mine always does but I also want to see them. Its a lot of money for them just to goof off.