If abortion is off the table...

I think you need to carefully consider your financial situation and what you can do to help, then sit down and have a frank discussion with your daughter.

A friend in college got pregnant, and her parents cared for the child while she continued at school. I know she moved back to the town where her parents lived after graduation, presumably to take over care of her daughter. She missed one semester, but was able to make it up, by going in the summer.

I think if this happened to my child, and they went to a school in a different city or state, I would be willing to continue paying tuition and help with paying childcare, but they would need to move back home. And get a job. I would move heaven and earth to keep her in school and on a path to graduation as debt free as possible.

Your daughter can qualify for welfare benefits (including subsidized housing), and it's possible if she's head of household she could qualify for financial aid without your income being considered. I would have her look into all these options and determine the best way to move forward financially. She will qualify for a lot of government benefits, you might as well use them.

I'd also require her to contact the baby's father, and get the ball rolling on custody and child support.

Why does "supportive parents" seem to be code for "covers as many expenses as possible until mother is able to take over?" This would be a huge financial difficulty for many older parents, especially since continuing to cover college seems to be part of the support package.

Anonymous wrote:This thread just reinforces that I will make sure my daughter is on reliable birth control. Has bags of condoms available.
And knows that if by some chance an accident still happens while young we will help her terminate no questions asked.

We’re still in a free country. Quick trip to the doc, and life goes on. And hey Canada’s a quick drive or flight too.

What part of a free country means your daughter wouldn’t be the one to choose? Imposing your will on adult women is for Saudi Arabia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will not abort. Right now she wants to do the fall semester and then reevaluate...I do worry about the idea she’ll take time off and then never go back...adoption is still on the table too though.

The father goes to a different school 1200 miles away (they met at an internship) and they were never together.

I got pregnant at 20. I love my 11 year old but there’s times where I wish I had aborted and settled years later. Your daughter doesn’t want to do this now.

What mother thinks this way? I can see wishing you hadn't gotten pregnant so young or thinking you should have put her up for adoption. But you really sometimes wish you had taken her life?

I think most people in this situation feel the same.

It’s not a productive sentiment to share with your kid or anyone in your life for obvious reasons. But I can imagine the regret a woman would feel after she has to constantly experience the hardships that came with her choice. I can imagine mourning the path she gave up.

I gave up a lot having her do young. College had to be put on pause, relationships are non existent, and my career/cash flow has taken a major hit. Her father showed his true colors and isn’t really involved anymore. I wasn’t ready for the emotional turmoil that would cause. So many more factors played into buying my first condo because I had to think of schools. I never got to be carefree. Most 30 year old men also don’t want to be step dads so I’m lonely. And broke did I mention that? It’s really not a great life.

I posted about someone with a great outcome. She never had the fun carefree college life, but she does have a wonderful child, finished college, good job, etc. I think emotionally it must have been really hard to come to terms with the situation, but caring for the baby was seamless with her parent's help and she landed on her feet. I'm really surprised how many people have posted similar stories with very positive outcomes. The young woman in question today can choose to go several different routes. She has options. We're not in the stone age, and having that child is no longer social suicide. It is a life-changing event for sure. She's in a tough situation, but the chances for a positive outcome are good as long as she has solid support. The key is having solid support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did. Had an abortion.

+1 Best decision I ever made

That’s pretty sad.

It’s true.

Ending the pregnancy let her get a degree and possibly graduate school which probably led to a good job and meeting her spouse. The kids she has now are a product of that healthy and happy union.

Childbearing is something that affects everything else in your life - usually in a prohibitive way. Read any thread on here about new moms having a hard time with self care, or dealing with work and family. These women already have established lives - just imagine how much harder it would be to date, to job hunt AND take care of a baby. All this when you can’t afford a babysitter and are constantly broke.

Most people can’t truly grasp what it means to have a child until it happens. Of the women I know who have had abortions in college, many felt conflicted about it - until they got married and had children. It was then that they understood that it truly was the best decision they could have made. A child turns your life upside down - life circumstances are the determining factor if it’s a huge blessing or an enormous obstacle. Maybe if we lived in Europe, this wouldn’t be the case, but there is no social safety net in this country. For anyone who is not wealthy, an unplanned pregnancy in college means a significant drop in living standards for you AND your child. It’s a lifetime of hardship for both of you.

My mom had me at 21. She and my father dropped out of college to get married and raise me. Honestly now, looking at in retrospect, it did stunt a lot of prospects for both her, my father, and me. I look at the way I was raised vs. the way I am raising my own kids and it is night and day difference with the opportunities and experiences they are getting.

Don't let this happen to your daughter and grandchild.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did. Had an abortion.

+1 Best decision I ever made

That’s pretty sad.

STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]Why is adoption not being considered as an option? [/b]If she is unwilling to have an abortion (which I totally understand), she still does not have to keep the baby. She will be condemning the both of them into lower socioeconomic conditions that it will be very hard for either the daughter or he baby to escape, unless the grandparents have a lot of money to pay for all the things the mother can’t.

I was wondering this myself.

I was wondering why you and PP didn't or can't read since OP said that adoption was on the table.

This thread just reinforces that I will make sure my daughter is on reliable birth control. Has bags of condoms available.
And knows that if by some chance an accident still happens while young we will help her terminate no questions asked.

We’re still in a free country. Quick trip to the doc, and life goes on. And hey Canada’s a quick drive or flight too.

DH sister had a similar situation, but before she went off to college. She lived at home and went to college nearby. Grandma babysat and they brought in extra sitters as needed. They made college education a priority and told her if she drops out she’ll be on her own financially. She graduated and became a nurse and lived at home for a few years, paying rent and paying for diapers and such.

When she met her now husband and got married (she didn’t marry the father of her child), her parents told her they’d been saving all the money she’d been “paying” them for the baby and it was a wedding gift so they could start their life together. Supportive parents changed this girls life.

Make sure you make education a priority, even if she has to move home. She needs a college education these days and the stats on people going back after dropping out are low.

OP, I would encourage you to get your daughter to the OB soon. She may be further along than she thinks she is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will not abort. Right now she wants to do the fall semester and then reevaluate...I do worry about the idea she’ll take time off and then never go back...adoption is still on the table too though.

The father goes to a different school 1200 miles away (they met at an internship) and they were never together.

I got pregnant at 20. I love my 11 year old but there’s times where I wish I had aborted and settled years later. Your daughter doesn’t want to do this now.

What mother thinks this way? I can see wishing you hadn't gotten pregnant so young or thinking you should have put her up for adoption. But you really sometimes wish you had taken her life?

I think most people in this situation feel the same.

It’s not a productive sentiment to share with your kid or anyone in your life for obvious reasons. But I can imagine the regret a woman would feel after she has to constantly experience the hardships that came with her choice. I can imagine mourning the path she gave up.

Anonymous wrote:I did. Had an abortion.

+1 Best decision I ever made

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will not abort. Right now she wants to do the fall semester and then reevaluate...I do worry about the idea she’ll take time off and then never go back...adoption is still on the table too though.

The father goes to a different school 1200 miles away (they met at an internship) and they were never together.

I got pregnant at 20. I love my 11 year old but there’s times where I wish I had aborted and settled years later. Your daughter doesn’t want to do this now.

What mother thinks this way? I can see wishing you hadn't gotten pregnant so young or thinking you should have put her up for adoption. But you really sometimes wish you had taken her life?