DCUM man here and wanted to note that I would gladly send my wife to another man for a night if it meant a blow job every night as repentance.

Oh, and there is no way if she cheated she is leaving me if I still have to give her half and lose my kids every other night. She can keep that nonsense to herself, step up the BJs and put that get out of jail card in my suit pocket.

Humans aren't good at monogamy, anyone else notice this captain obvious fact? OP, bury that guilt and treat your DH like a king. Save the drama.

If I dramatically increased the number of BJs, DH would become suspicious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other. It's pointless except to unload your guilt. It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason. Don't create more drama it's just cruel.

I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have. If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it? You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage? Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair?

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average. Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C. She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated? Divorce? We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks? What a nightmare. Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others. I have been tempted, I am sure she has too. People make mistakes. So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess? Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed. Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.

You sound so naive it’s kind of charming.

Yes. Many of us who divorced got “two houses” and “divided the 401ks” and shuttle kids.

And in my case. Better than living with a cheating liar. Your view of cheating like it’s some simple little act is not reality. It’s thousands of lies. Using money. Destructive. Grow up buddy.

It's not naive. It's very solidly grounded in reality. My DH cheated and I found out. I made him bleed for it but I never considered divorce for a second. Because it's just not worth it. I'm not happy he cheated, of course, but I simply do not wish to upend my life due to someone else's missteps.

Of course that’s usually how it goes when men cheat. The woman can keep it together if she chooses. It’s different when the wife cheats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other. It's pointless except to unload your guilt. It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason. Don't create more drama it's just cruel.

I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have. If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it? You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage? Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair?

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average. Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C. She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated? Divorce? We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks? What a nightmare. Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others. I have been tempted, I am sure she has too. People make mistakes. So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess? Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed. Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.

You sound so naive it’s kind of charming.

Yes. Many of us who divorced got “two houses” and “divided the 401ks” and shuttle kids.

And in my case. Better than living with a cheating liar. Your view of cheating like it’s some simple little act is not reality. It’s thousands of lies. Using money. Destructive. Grow up buddy.

It's not naive. It's very solidly grounded in reality. My DH cheated and I found out. I made him bleed for it but I never considered divorce for a second. Because it's just not worth it. I'm not happy he cheated, of course, but I simply do not wish to upend my life due to someone else's missteps.

A long-term love affair is forgiven with a good BJ? You need higher standards for what you consider acceptable behavior in a spouse. Infidelity is a form of abuse.

No, infidelity is what it is. It’s not abuse. You tried this a couple weeks ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other. It's pointless except to unload your guilt. It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason. Don't create more drama it's just cruel.

I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have. If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it? You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage? Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair?

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average. Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C. She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated? Divorce? We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks? What a nightmare. Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others. I have been tempted, I am sure she has too. People make mistakes. So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess? Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed. Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.

You sound so naive it’s kind of charming.

Yes. Many of us who divorced got “two houses” and “divided the 401ks” and shuttle kids.

And in my case. Better than living with a cheating liar. Your view of cheating like it’s some simple little act is not reality. It’s thousands of lies. Using money. Destructive. Grow up buddy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP unless you are seriously considering leaving your husband pay no mind to the silly posters urging you to "come clean." I suspect that most of them are simply projecting onto you what they hope their spouses would do. But why would anyway really want to know? What's to be gained? People make mistakes, no reason to compound them and hurt innocent people for no reason.

This. Don’t tell him.

+1

+ Give him more BJs.

Done.

Yeah, everybody knows that giving your DH lots of blow jobs will TOTALLY make up for letting another guy screw you.

From a guys perspective it can't hurt! When my DH gives me a good BJ all is forgiven.

Really? A long-term love affair is forgiven with a good BJ? You need higher standards for what you consider acceptable behavior in a spouse. Infidelity is a form of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP unless you are seriously considering leaving your husband pay no mind to the silly posters urging you to "come clean." I suspect that most of them are simply projecting onto you what they hope their spouses would do. But why would anyway really want to know? What's to be gained? People make mistakes, no reason to compound them and hurt innocent people for no reason.

This. Don’t tell him.

+1

+ Give him more BJs.

Done.

Yeah, everybody knows that giving your DH lots of blow jobs will TOTALLY make up for letting another guy screw you.

From a guys perspective it can't hurt! When my DH gives me a good BJ all is forgiven.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP unless you are seriously considering leaving your husband pay no mind to the silly posters urging you to "come clean." I suspect that most of them are simply projecting onto you what they hope their spouses would do. But why would anyway really want to know? What's to be gained? People make mistakes, no reason to compound them and hurt innocent people for no reason.

This. Don’t tell him.

+1

+ Give him more BJs.

Done.

Yeah, everybody knows that giving your DH lots of blow jobs will TOTALLY make up for letting another guy screw you.

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry this happened and is still happening to you. Your suffering is palpable in your post. It is totally abusive for this man to visit your office and talk to you.
My heart goes out to you. Just keep your head up. Be strong sister.

Abusive? He's her boss. He has to talk to her. As long as he's not harassing her or treating her differently from his other reports, he's not doing anything wrong. This is 100% on OP. She should get a new job if she doesn't want to see him. However, she has the typical lame excuses for not getting a new job that show that she really doesn't want to be completely rid of this guy.

And why should she keep her head up? She's right to feel ashamed. I'm not saying she has to self-flagellate forever, but as almost every person on this thread has said, she needs to remove herself from the situation by getting a new job. Every day that she continues working with her former AP is a day that she continues to disrespect her DH. That's why she still feels so lousy. Because every day her husband waves her goodbye in the morning with no idea that she's off to work with a guy who's seen her naked. And every work function where her husband shakes this guy's hand thinking he's just saying hi to his wife's boss without knowing that the guy had sex with his wife is another knife in his back that OP is placing.

OP says she feels badly because of her husband. She is going to keep feeling badly until she gets a new job, because as long as she works with her AP she is lying to her husband and making a fool of him daily. They can't move forward with that going on. Of course she feels badly. But there's only one solution. New job. However, since OP won't get a new job because her commute wouldn't be as good, the only conclusion is that she's really not that upset.

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry this happened and is still happening to you. Your suffering is palpable in your post. It is totally abusive for this man to visit your office and talk to you.
My heart goes out to you. Just keep your head up. Be strong sister.

Abuse? She has not told the guy to stop visiting her. She has not blocked him, etc...

OP I'm so sorry this happened and is still happening to you. Your suffering is palpable in your post. It is totally abusive for this man to visit your office and talk to you.
My heart goes out to you. Just keep your head up. Be strong sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other. It's pointless except to unload your guilt. It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason. Don't create more drama it's just cruel.

I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have. If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it? You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage? Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair?

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average. Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C. She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated? Divorce? We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks? What a nightmare. Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others. I have been tempted, I am sure she has too. People make mistakes. So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess? Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed. Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.

That's great if you and your wife agreed beforehand to this arrangement. Couple's are allowed to negotiate whatever sexual arrangements they want. That's consensual sexual behavior.


By contrast, I explicitly told my DH that I was only intetested in monogamy, both in our pre-marriage relationship and in our marriage. He, however, cheated on me repeatedly unbeknownst to me. When I found out and confronted him, he lied about what he'd done. Those lies were incredibly disrespectful to me as an autonomous woman who has the capacity to deal with adversity and make decisions about my own life.

The cheating was bad enough, but the lies were even more destructive.

And he lied puely out of self-interest, while telling himself it was not to hurt me. The lies are just another facet of the self-delusion and self-absorption that is the fundamental character flaw of a cheater.

Cheaters always think they can get away with it. My now exDH was completely shocked when I revealed the depth of what I knew.

OP, for once in your life, do the right thing, be honest and deal with real-life and its consequences. It's the only way you can build anything meaningful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have had the discussion before hand that if either of us cheat we are NOT to tell the other. It's pointless except to unload your guilt. It's a double betrayal, first to cheat and second to needlessly burden your spouse.

Just leave him if you are going to tell him and make up a reason. Don't create more drama it's just cruel.

I'm curious about this agreement you and your wife have. If she has been having an affair with someone for the past year, you just don't want to know anything about it? You've agreed that if she's having an affair, she has no obligation to say anything?

Isn't that just an open marriage? Or are you really only thinking of a one-night-stand type of affair?

My wife and I get along well, co-parent well, have a decent sexual relationship, all about average to above average. Two kids in elementary school, public school in an expensive but great area of D.C. She is a SAHM.

What in the world would either of us do if the other cheated? Divorce? We couldn't afford two houses in the school district so we would sell the kids home, move somewhere else, create a shuttle schedule, divide the 401ks? What a nightmare. Not to mention the toll of divorce on kids.

Look, we are all attracted to others. I have been tempted, I am sure she has too. People make mistakes. So what on earth would it do for either of us to confess? Then the betrayed spouse has to live with the thought of their spouse screwing around or leave and destroy their future and their kids? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. She feels the same.

Sure, I'd be pissed if she cheated, I'd be irate if she confessed. Take it to the grave and step up on the BJs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP unless you are seriously considering leaving your husband pay no mind to the silly posters urging you to "come clean." I suspect that most of them are simply projecting onto you what they hope their spouses would do. But why would anyway really want to know? What's to be gained? People make mistakes, no reason to compound them and hurt innocent people for no reason.

This. Don’t tell him.

+1

+ Give him more BJs.

Done.