I'd look soley at what in in my kid's best interest (opportunities, fit, etc) We also don't know her side of the story in this post. OP, you've painted her out to be a vixen that jumped ship with a creep... and have painted yourself as the faithful doting husband... rarely is that the case.

Rarely does a wife cheat after 10+ years of marriage if everything is beautiful and pleasant...

I'd take a deep look at the reasons why she left you in the first place to ensure that some of your behaviors aren't also unhealthy for the children. While you say you are a doting dad with activities and all... take a deep look at what will be best for the kids...

Anonymous wrote:OP here


Paid the 5k. My lawyer is "Checking my options"

Any update?

OP here


Paid the 5k. My lawyer is "Checking my options"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Latest-

She is in a different state with her MAN. What once bothered me does not anymore. I get to be with my kids.

I looked over the retainer (anyone get a lawyer to look over their lawyer's retainer agreement--half joking) and will be signing it along with shipping her over a 5k check.
My lawyer will be pulling the case file and then sending her lawyer a notice of retainer.

This is fing crazy. I didn't think I would be spending my fourth of July week working on this....

Once again, all advice appreciated.

It's frustrating when the ex-spouse forgoes time with the children in order to spend it with new lover/spouse. It's sad for the kids, who eventually figure it out even if you stay positive. All I would say is that often a spouse is asking for custody just so they don't look like the "bad parent'. They ask to move away with the kids and then, when you refuse, you are the "bad parent" who is separating them from their children. They do these kinds of things because they are conflict-avoidant, the same reason they had an affair. Rather than tell new man that she can't or doesn't want to move, she would like you to be the bad guy. Rather than telling the kids they have to move to a new state, she would like you to be the bad guy.

IME, my ex indicated he wanted to have custody but then really never took the steps to take me up on it -- never made a bedroom for the kids, never picked a regular night to have them, often cancelled visitation, etc. Ultimately, I never had to get into a custody battle with him, because I made it pretty easy for him to show up when he wanted (within a certain schedule). I never complained when he cancelled, and it was just easier for him to not have custody. He still got to see the kids enough to feel like a "good dad."

Your situation is a bit different because your wife has indicated she wants to leave the state with the kids, so you need to work with an attorney. I never had an issue that forced me to get counsel (I was pretty sure ex would never leave the state with them.)

But, to the extent that you can just accept it without complaint when she gives up her time voluntarily, it will be better for you when you get to the point of contesting a move. The more documented time you spend with the kids, the better for you.

This makes OP a loser. OP's ex has enough base hotness, even with two kids, to get with an AP. She decides to move out of state with AP, and can blame it on OP who refused to allow the kids to go out of state (as she knew he would).

AP is actually the huge winner. He gets to stay in his home base and maintain his career. He recognizes a SMV growth opportunity, and is cool enough to make her drop the husband and kids to be with him. Without the kids, he can upgrade her (say from a 6.5 to an 8.5 or a 9) with resources that would have gone toward supporting the kids. Personally I'd have her get new b***s along with having regular hair and salon visits for her and a personal chef and a female personal trainer for you both as YOLO, but to each their own.

Plus, when the kids DO come (to keep up appearances), you can flood them with Instagram-story worthy special things as you're not having to deal with them day-to-day. Trips to Disney World, cruises where you can offload them from time to time to the onboard "camp", and the like. Left unspoken is the impression that life could be like this EVERY day except for OP. That's not true, of course, but you can't tell from Instagram

Anonymous wrote:OP

Latest-

She is in a different state with her MAN. What once bothered me does not anymore. I get to be with my kids.

I looked over the retainer (anyone get a lawyer to look over their lawyer's retainer agreement--half joking) and will be signing it along with shipping her over a 5k check.
My lawyer will be pulling the case file and then sending her lawyer a notice of retainer.

This is fing crazy. I didn't think I would be spending my fourth of July week working on this....

Once again, all advice appreciated.

It's frustrating when the ex-spouse forgoes time with the children in order to spend it with new lover/spouse. It's sad for the kids, who eventually figure it out even if you stay positive. All I would say is that often a spouse is asking for custody just so they don't look like the "bad parent'. They ask to move away with the kids and then, when you refuse, you are the "bad parent" who is separating them from their children. They do these kinds of things because they are conflict-avoidant, the same reason they had an affair. Rather than tell new man that she can't or doesn't want to move, she would like you to be the bad guy. Rather than telling the kids they have to move to a new state, she would like you to be the bad guy.

IME, my ex indicated he wanted to have custody but then really never took the steps to take me up on it -- never made a bedroom for the kids, never picked a regular night to have them, often cancelled visitation, etc. Ultimately, I never had to get into a custody battle with him, because I made it pretty easy for him to show up when he wanted (within a certain schedule). I never complained when he cancelled, and it was just easier for him to not have custody. He still got to see the kids enough to feel like a "good dad."

Your situation is a bit different because your wife has indicated she wants to leave the state with the kids, so you need to work with an attorney. I never had an issue that forced me to get counsel (I was pretty sure ex would never leave the state with them.)

But, to the extent that you can just accept it without complaint when she gives up her time voluntarily, it will be better for you when you get to the point of contesting a move. The more documented time you spend with the kids, the better for you.

Anonymous wrote:OP

Latest-

She is in a different state with her MAN. What once bothered me does not anymore. I get to be with my kids.

I looked over the retainer (anyone get a lawyer to look over their lawyer's retainer agreement--half joking) and will be signing it along with shipping her over a 5k check.
My lawyer will be pulling the case file and then sending her lawyer a notice of retainer.

This is fing crazy. I didn't think I would be spending my fourth of July week working on this....

Once again, all advice appreciated.

If the kids are still here with you that sounds like a win.

Anonymous wrote:I think I can count about 20 women I have known in the past decade who got stuck in the DMV because the other parent wouldn’t alter the custody agreement to allow moving away. And only one man.

In every case, the kids were harmed.

The kids were harmed by being forced to stay in the area where they had grown up until then? How?

I think I can count about 20 women I have known in the past decade who got stuck in the DMV because the other parent wouldn’t alter the custody agreement to allow moving away. And only one man.

In every case, the kids were harmed.

OP, i might consider finding a divorce support group or a few sessions of counseling to try and work out some things in your mind.

You need to be clear, calm and level headed for the fight ahead. You need to stay focused don the end goal and getting there. You need to define your end goal. and you need tone strategic.

You need to NOT be distracted by the affair, or wffly on your end goal, or in any way a bad parent over these next few months.

Pay attention to your lawyer. Be realistic. Determine your bottom line, document everything, and fight for your kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP

Latest-

She is in a different state with her MAN. What once bothered me does not anymore. I get to be with my kids.

I looked over the retainer (anyone get a lawyer to look over their lawyer's retainer agreement--half joking) and will be signing it along with shipping her over a 5k check.
My lawyer will be pulling the case file and then sending her lawyer a notice of retainer.

This is fing crazy. I didn't think I would be spending my fourth of July week working on this....

Once again, all advice appreciated.

So she left the kids with you?

Yay. Hope it continues to work out.

Whatever happens, bite your tongue any time you feel like bashing their mom around them. Only positive or neutral comments, and if you cannot say anything nice don't speak.

OP

Latest-

She is in a different state with her MAN. What once bothered me does not anymore. I get to be with my kids.

I looked over the retainer (anyone get a lawyer to look over their lawyer's retainer agreement--half joking) and will be signing it along with shipping her over a 5k check.
My lawyer will be pulling the case file and then sending her lawyer a notice of retainer.

This is fing crazy. I didn't think I would be spending my fourth of July week working on this....

Once again, all advice appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:Asking to split the kids up is madness. We’re yiu drunk when you posted that? Do you really think that it’s healthy for your kids to be separated from each other, and for your daughter to know you preferred your son (you actually said “nothing against my daughter but...”). WTF, OP.

“You can take Lucy, if I can keep Billy” will keep their future therapists busy for years; it will damage BOTH kids.

+1. It’s not too hard to figure out why OP is getting divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I am meeting with my lawyer today. I couldn't sleep at all last night. LIke I said yesterday. I do not care about her anymore or him. GO BE WITH HIM. Leave our kids here.

One other thing that I was thinking of....I am a lot closer to my son. We play sports every night etc. Nothing against my daughter at all, but would a mediator ever split them up? I dont know I think I am losing it, but one is better than none.

Finally, our daughter is all straight A's at our private school here in DC has a ton of friends, loves the teachers etc. So this will be a big change.
SOrry now just rambling

Just because you are closer to your son does not mean your daughter does not need you! She will feel hurt and betrayed knowing you love son more than her. Please fight the move for both kids, not just son. So horrible you even thinking this!

+1, now is the time to start doing more 1-1 with her and start learning to enjoy her interests and not just base a relationship off sports. Watch a movie, take her shopping or out to eat.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I am meeting with my lawyer today. I couldn't sleep at all last night. LIke I said yesterday. I do not care about her anymore or him. GO BE WITH HIM. Leave our kids here.

One other thing that I was thinking of....I am a lot closer to my son. We play sports every night etc. Nothing against my daughter at all, but would a mediator ever split them up? I dont know I think I am losing it, but one is better than none.

Finally, our daughter is all straight A's at our private school here in DC has a ton of friends, loves the teachers etc. So this will be a big change.
SOrry now just rambling

Just because you are closer to your son does not mean your daughter does not need you! She will feel hurt and betrayed knowing you love son more than her. Please fight the move for both kids, not just son. So horrible you even thinking this!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has speculated that a move would be terrible for the kids because they’re mad at OP’s wife for having an affair. But no one actually knows if the move would be that bad for them. She could very well be an outstanding mother and her new husband a great stepdad. The way their relationship started is irrelevant so stop focusing on that. The issue is how the kids will be treated now. Period.

No, the issue is whether a new marriage is a good enough reason for a former spouse to remove his/her kids from the area where the other spouse still lives and has regular contact with the kids. As another PP mentioned, when you divorce, you no longer have the freedom to make these decisions unilaterally.

Yep, this. The affair is irrelevant.

Only people that have affairs think it’s irrelevant

Courts tend to find it irrelevant too--unfortunately for any parent who didn't want to break up the marriage and create a situation where there have to be custody arrangements....