Anonymous
06/02/2018 10:19
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in 4th grade and this year has gotten close to a friend who is non white/black/Hispanic. The girl speaks perfect English and I’m pretty sure was born here or came very young. The mother speaks with a slight accent. The girls have had a few play dates and are in the same class. My first guess is that someone in their family was originally from India, but I’m certainly no expert.
I’m curious to know what the family’s ethnicity is. (Is that even the right use of the word ethnicity?) The girl and her mother are very sweet and it just feels strange not to know this bit about them. I know not to ask “where are you from?” or anything like that. Is there a way I can ask to convey friendly curiosity? Normally, I might ask a new mom-friend “did you grow up in this area?” but I’m worried even that may be taken the wrong way.
Yes, it's pretty simple.
"Where Is your family from, originally"?
Signed,
Hispanic never tired of answering this question and used to many great human connections as a result of it
Anonymous
06/02/2018 10:16
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
It will come up soon enough in small talk or you will find out through the kids. If you actually have to ask, then you are not close enough for this info yet.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 10:12
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:
I assume OP has been talking to this mom a while, is friendly with her. So, asking her the question.. "where did you grow up" doesn't seem out of context. Out of the blue to a person you *just* met.. maybe. But even then, when a person has an accent, it's obvious the person didn't grow up around here, so I don't think it's offensive.
My DH has an accent and gets asked this all the time when he first meets someone in a social setting. People are getting to know each other and talk about where they grew up, their childhood, etc.. Most people we meet seem pretty open and laid back. I guess if a person is kind of up tight, then they would find it offensive.
Not really. I know plenty of people who came here around age 10 and have an accent.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 10:09
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.
If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?
My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.
Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.
Americans don't ever ask each other, "where did you grow up"? They find that rude? I never knew that.
Americans don't typically ask each other, "Where did you grow up?", as a question out of the blue -- in my experience. Like so many things, it depends on the context.
I assume OP has been talking to this mom a while, is friendly with her. So, asking her the question.. "where did you grow up" doesn't seem out of context. Out of the blue to a person you *just* met.. maybe. But even then, when a person has an accent, it's obvious the person didn't grow up around here, so I don't think it's offensive.
My DH has an accent and gets asked this all the time when he first meets someone in a social setting. People are getting to know each other and talk about where they grew up, their childhood, etc.. Most people we meet seem pretty open and laid back. I guess if a person is kind of up tight, then they would find it offensive.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 10:05
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Huh? I am a SAHM and have met lots of new moms over the years. One of the first we discuss (after meeting a few times and having an unpoken agreement we want to pursue a friendship) is “So did you grow up around here?”
But "did you grow up around here?" is not the question that OP wants answered.
It amounts to the same thing.. "did you grow up around here...".. "where are you from".
Anonymous
06/02/2018 09:56
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.
That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.
You sound crazy.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 08:06
Subject: Re:Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to ask someone where they are from. But if they answer "Boston" it is NOT fine to follow up with "No where are you REALLY from?" Or "But where did your parents come from?"
DC area is pretty transient so even better is to ask, did you grow up around here?
Best of all is just to talk about where YOU are from and let people share if they want to. You have no need to know where this girls family immigrated from or when they did. So you are just curious, which is fine. But you can wait for a friendship to develop where the question wouldn't be at all rude. Like if mom says her mother is coming for a visit and she needs to pick her up at the airport.
I “appear” from elsewhere but grew up in the MD/DC area.
“where are you from?”
“I grew up in AACo.”
“No, I mean where is your family from?”
“My husband grew up in moco. My parents were both born and raised in baltimore.”
“No, I mean... what is your country of origin?”
“My parents’ families both came from germany.“ insert death stare smile
(I probably just outed myself)
The above conversation happens ALL THE TIME and i despise it.
If “i grew up in aaco” is followed with “really, what part bc i grew up in catonsville” then it’s absolutely fine. But when i say “I’m from here” and you don’t believe me?! Or don’t realize that there’s a long story there that I don’t want to get into at the cocktail party or over the copier or whatever?
Anonymous
06/02/2018 07:29
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.
DA FUQ? Asking someone where there ancestors are from because you think u detect an accent is not how you get to know someone and normal conversation. I know plenty of people with accents and my kids have have made tons of friends and I never asked their parents this bullshi****
OMG, lighten up. Being curious about someone's background is not the same as being racist. It's racist if you think your race is superior, or there is discrimination.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 07:25
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
I think it's ridiculous that you can't ask someone you know IRL a simple question like this.
I know from a close Asian friend (who admittedly has baggage because she was basically the only Asian kid in her southern neighborhood and school and dealt with racist jerks) that the worse thing you can say is something that makes it sound like you don't think they were born here. But you realize that already, op.
I personally don't think it's rude to say "You have a beautiful accent! Do you speak other languages?"
I know from a close Asian friend (who admittedly has baggage because she was basically the only Asian kid in her southern neighborhood and school and dealt with racist jerks) that the worse thing you can say is something that makes it sound like you don't think they were born here. But you realize that already, op.
I personally don't think it's rude to say "You have a beautiful accent! Do you speak other languages?"
Anonymous
06/02/2018 07:20
Subject: Re:Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
I think it is fine to ask someone where they are from. But if they answer "Boston" it is NOT fine to follow up with "No where are you REALLY from?" Or "But where did your parents come from?"
DC area is pretty transient so even better is to ask, did you grow up around here?
Best of all is just to talk about where YOU are from and let people share if they want to. You have no need to know where this girls family immigrated from or when they did. So you are just curious, which is fine. But you can wait for a friendship to develop where the question wouldn't be at all rude. Like if mom says her mother is coming for a visit and she needs to pick her up at the airport.
DC area is pretty transient so even better is to ask, did you grow up around here?
Best of all is just to talk about where YOU are from and let people share if they want to. You have no need to know where this girls family immigrated from or when they did. So you are just curious, which is fine. But you can wait for a friendship to develop where the question wouldn't be at all rude. Like if mom says her mother is coming for a visit and she needs to pick her up at the airport.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 07:03
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:
Newsflash, the world does not revolve around you and your feelings.
Asking after someone's origins is a very old traditional question when people meet for the first time.
At the rate we're going we might as well stop talking to anyone, period, in fears of "microaggression." Everything can be twisted and abused under the label microaggressive. Good luck with that.
I don't think that anyone has ever asked me, "What country did your family immigrate to the US from?" upon first meeting me. This has never happened to me. (My family immigrated to the US from various countries in Europe, at various different times.)
Anonymous
06/02/2018 00:41
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Why are the people who think it's nosy or offensive to ask acting like a person's country of origin is some big secret or private information?
”
+1
I do not feel people are prying private info out of me when I tell them I am from PA or that my family is mostly from Germany. This strikes me as normal chit chat.
“Where are you from” is a totally regular question.
Many times it is a regular microaggresive question.
Newsflash, the world does not revolve around you and your feelings.
Asking after someone's origins is a very old traditional question when people meet for the first time.
At the rate we're going we might as well stop talking to anyone, period, in fears of "microaggression." Everything can be twisted and abused under the label microaggressive. Good luck with that.
Anonymous
06/02/2018 00:33
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
In a transient place like DC it is acceptable (and normal conversation) to ask if someone is from the area or grew up someplace else. The answers from my friends would be that a handful are originally from the area and others would say Florida, Richmond, El Salvador, China, New Jersey, etc.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 23:00
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:“Why are the people who think it's nosy or offensive to ask acting like a person's country of origin is some big secret or private information?
”
+1
I do not feel people are prying private info out of me when I tell them I am from PA or that my family is mostly from Germany. This strikes me as normal chit chat.
“Where are you from” is a totally regular question.
Many times it is a regular microaggresive question.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 22:55
Subject: Re:Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:Asking "Where you are from?" when the "Where are you really from?" is implied is a microaggresion and yes considered offensive.
It gets asked so often, that once mildly annoying, becomes bothersome. It implies, you don't belong here.
I replied: I’m from Washington, D.C. and I’m a fellow citizen. Nice meeting you” and walked away.