I think it’s time to teach Theo how to say “get bent, Grandma” and walk away.

I’m in the respect your elders and let the small stuff go camp- but I find it incredibly passive aggressive that grandma won’t use the preferred name- like it’s weirdly aggressive behavior as if she’s trying to inappropriately assert herself or cause drama. My mom sometimes does stuff like this and in her case it’s her a way of being combative and attention-seeking.

I don’t let people shorten my name to a knick-name or mispronounce my last name over and over. A name is an important part of identity.

Your job is to support your child.

Your MIL is making a big mistake. She's only going to alienate her grandson and you and your DH.

"Support" for your child can look like many different things. I suggest you, DH and son talk about what you all can agree should happen.

Anonymous wrote:I certainly think that the grandmother here should be respectful of the nickname that the child prefers at this time.

At the same time, I am picturing little Theo a few years down the line as a teenager deciding he wants to be called Ted to sound more grown up. At that time, I think the mom will have time switching over.

We have no idea what Theo will want to be called when he's a teenager. He may keep Theo his whole life.

I can't believe the amount of people defending this MIL.

No one has the right to be called a name they don't like. You can call me a nickname you make up for me, but if I ask you to please not call me that, you should have enough respect and maturity to follow through.

If this was any other situation, I'm sure posters would not be taking up the side of the person using the incorrect nickname. They'd be all about telling the poster to stick up for themselves and grow a backbone blah blah. Like, if your name was Suzanne and on the first day of work at your new job your boss started calling you Susie. Or if you were named Harriet and a friend introduced you to their friend who started calling you Harry. Why should a child have to respond to a nickname he doesn't like just because he's a child and she's his grandma?

I certainly think that the grandmother here should be respectful of the nickname that the child prefers at this time.

At the same time, I am picturing little Theo a few years down the line as a teenager deciding he wants to be called Ted to sound more grown up. At that time, I think the mom will have time switching over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many crazy, confrontational posters on this thread.

Tell us about yourself pp. Why do you expect people to accept abuse? Do you think being assertive is bad or confrontational?

Not the PP, but I don't think this rises to the level of abuse. Should grandma pull it together and start calling her grandson Theo or Theodore? Absolutely. But the reason people focus on OP's behavior is because she is the one writing and the only one she can control. There are other lessons for her son - sometimes people have quirks, are rude, etc. What happened to when they low go, we go high? Learning how to deal when things don't go as you wish, letting go, and learning which hill to die on are important lessons. I'm skeptical that this is a hill for OP and her 4 year old to die on, which language like "abuse" suggest it is.

By the way - OP, did you confirm how old your son is?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Times sure have changed. My name is Sarah and my grandmother called me Sadie. I hated it but knew better than to say anything. She was the adult and I just had to deal.

This
This
This

And if your FIL touches your daughter in ways that make her uncomfortable, she needs to just deal. Respect your elders, sweetie! It's just some touching, it's no big deal. You need to keep your mouth shut and endure.

You are comparing to very very different things. Lord help you, if you don't understand that.

That seems to be the modern mindset. If you teach your child to be polite, they'll be sexually molested tomorrow.

And then they complain when the schools tell them their kids are disrespectful.

Exactly. There is no middle ground with, I like how you put it, the modern mindset. It is an either/or mindset, one end of the continuum or the other, which unfortunately leads to a lot of drama and emotional whipsaws. I feel badly for this little kid who is being raised in a household where his mom is okay with making him the focus of her insecurities. Nicknames happen. This is no big deal. Let it go, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Times sure have changed. My name is Sarah and my grandmother called me Sadie. I hated it but knew better than to say anything. She was the adult and I just had to deal.

This
This
This

And if your FIL touches your daughter in ways that make her uncomfortable, she needs to just deal. Respect your elders, sweetie! It's just some touching, it's no big deal. You need to keep your mouth shut and endure.

You are comparing to very very different things. Lord help you, if you don't understand that.

That seems to be the modern mindset. If you teach your child to be polite, they'll be sexually molested tomorrow.

And then they complain when the schools tell them their kids are disrespectful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Times sure have changed. My name is Sarah and my grandmother called me Sadie. I hated it but knew better than to say anything. She was the adult and I just had to deal.

This
This
This

And if your FIL touches your daughter in ways that make her uncomfortable, she needs to just deal. Respect your elders, sweetie! It's just some touching, it's no big deal. You need to keep your mouth shut and endure.

You are comparing to very very different things. Lord help you, if you don't understand that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Times sure have changed. My name is Sarah and my grandmother called me Sadie. I hated it but knew better than to say anything. She was the adult and I just had to deal.

This
This
This

And if your FIL touches your daughter in ways that make her uncomfortable, she needs to just deal. Respect your elders, sweetie! It's just some touching, it's no big deal. You need to keep your mouth shut and endure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many crazy, confrontational posters on this thread.

Tell us about yourself pp. Why do you expect people to accept abuse? Do you think being assertive is bad or confrontational?

Agree. My mom has called an aunt the wrong nickname name vs her preferred nickname for years. At first she didn't realize it because no one said anything, they were too polite. When she was finally corrected, she had a hard time changing but was always apologetic when reminded. In this case, she was told repeatedly, refuses to comply, and isn't at all sorry.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many crazy, confrontational posters on this thread.

Tell us about yourself pp. Why do you expect people to accept abuse? Do you think being assertive is bad or confrontational?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

He's old enough to learn that you can't control what your family calls you.

He is old enough to have an opinion and be upset if it isn’t respected for no reason.

Right - so let this be a dispute between the child and his strange grandmother. Hopefully one of them will realize how stupid it is and let it go, something the parents in the middle of this have been unable to do which is probably as much the issue as anything else. Or to put it another way I think grandmother here is a lot more likely to listen to "Ted" and drop this since I suspect this is really a conflict between grandma and her DIL and DIL won't step out of this trap.

What a ridiculous position. Np here and I'm surprised by the instant anti dil sentiment. The women are always at fault right pp. What sexist bs.

If it's such a small issue, why can't grandma get it right?

Part of me wants to say to take the high road and TOTALLY drop it. Correct grandma each time, but stop bringing it up ever and everyone just moves on with life with a little * by grandma that shes nuts.

The other part of me wants to seriously restrict access to a woman who is using a CHILD as a pawn to irritate her DIL. It takes some serious cajones to be this blatantly rude and disrespectful, in the open, for multiple years to a YOUNG CHILD.