Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't realize this thread was still going. Thanks for the advice but it's become clear to me that I'm not interested in changing. I need to get away -- looking forward to another trip in a month or so -- and my DH wouldn't understand no matter how much everyone says "just talk about it, everyone gets it." Maybe I stop going on these trips naturally in a few years once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around -- or maybe not. And for those saying, I'm taking $ away from the family -- eh -- I don't feel that way since I make more than 1/2 of the money and I manage all the investments etc. and am able to generate a return beyond just my salary.

It is sad that you are talking about your kids this way. I travelled around the world with my kids when they were as young as 3 m. You not only have no trusting relations with your husband, you have no interest in your own kids. Please, come back to this thread when your family will fall apart.

Mommy martyr much? It's ok for men to be uninterested in their kids but not the women? Not everyone is into babies.

NP. I kinda feel bad for you OP because you sound stuck with DH and your kids. It sounds like you married and had kids to follow some fairytale script like a lot of women and found out that it's not as awesome as it's supposed to be. Not every woman is into kids and that is totally okay. People here are piling on you but that really is because you're a woman and women are expected by other women to be martyrs. That's unrealistic and unhelpful.

OP...first, some of your female colleagues were lying. Most women wouldn't dare admit that they like the away time. We're all worried about appearing to be bad moms!

I was really honest with my girlfriends about loving my alone time. I have a super easy 8yo now but she was a challenging baby and toddler. I could never sleep soundly with her present. I'm simply fortunate to have a strong support system. My family took her for overnights regularly and it was such a blessing.

Traveling with a 3 month old sounds dreadful.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't realize this thread was still going. Thanks for the advice but it's become clear to me that I'm not interested in changing. I need to get away -- looking forward to another trip in a month or so -- and my DH wouldn't understand no matter how much everyone says "just talk about it, everyone gets it." Maybe I stop going on these trips naturally in a few years once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around -- or maybe not. And for those saying, I'm taking $ away from the family -- eh -- I don't feel that way since I make more than 1/2 of the money and I manage all the investments etc. and am able to generate a return beyond just my salary.

It is sad that you are talking about your kids this way. I travelled around the world with my kids when they were as young as 3 m. You not only have no trusting relations with your husband, you have no interest in your own kids. Please, come back to this thread when your family will fall apart.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't realize this thread was still going. Thanks for the advice but it's become clear to me that I'm not interested in changing. I need to get away -- looking forward to another trip in a month or so -- and my DH wouldn't understand no matter how much everyone says "just talk about it, everyone gets it." Maybe I stop going on these trips naturally in a few years once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around -- or maybe not. And for those saying, I'm taking $ away from the family -- eh -- I don't feel that way since I make more than 1/2 of the money and I manage all the investments etc. and am able to generate a return beyond just my salary.

Wow. It doesn't matter if you make more than half the money, it is stilll family money. It doesn't matter if you NEED to get away -- have you considered that your spouse needs to, as well?

Your statement that you might "stop going on these trips once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around" ... that makes me think you are either a troll or the most selfish person in the universe. Maybe both.

Wow—OP, you sound unhappy. Like you don’t like your husband or kids very much.

Yes, both DH and I have extended work trips like that but we discuss it. I also have friends who do something similar, like each month they take turns taking a weekend off. The person gets to book a hotel room (sometimes in the same city, sometimes not) and just get some time to themselves...

The only thing I’ve ever lied to my parents about was going to a war one for business travel. I lied and told them I was going to a nearby peaceful country.

My husband absolutely tacks on extra time and claims he had no choice. He does things like schedule meetings on a Tuesday and a Thursday, giving him Wednesday off, or scheduling a business lunch with a law school friend that’s really just a social lunch.

He’s not very nice so i don’t really care.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- didn't realize this thread was still going. Thanks for the advice but it's become clear to me that I'm not interested in changing. I need to get away -- looking forward to another trip in a month or so -- and my DH wouldn't understand no matter how much everyone says "just talk about it, everyone gets it." Maybe I stop going on these trips naturally in a few years once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around -- or maybe not. And for those saying, I'm taking $ away from the family -- eh -- I don't feel that way since I make more than 1/2 of the money and I manage all the investments etc. and am able to generate a return beyond just my salary.

You are a really selfish idiot and I hope your husband catches on.

OP here -- didn't realize this thread was still going. Thanks for the advice but it's become clear to me that I'm not interested in changing. I need to get away -- looking forward to another trip in a month or so -- and my DH wouldn't understand no matter how much everyone says "just talk about it, everyone gets it." Maybe I stop going on these trips naturally in a few years once the kids are interesting enough that I want to be around -- or maybe not. And for those saying, I'm taking $ away from the family -- eh -- I don't feel that way since I make more than 1/2 of the money and I manage all the investments etc. and am able to generate a return beyond just my salary.

Anonymous wrote:My friend and her husband, a university professor, are constantly going on trips that are clearly mainly vacations but are paid for out of research grants he receives from the government (her flights are usually covered by air miles, sometimes they pay). It really ticks me off but I say nothing.

Different story -- no one is lying to their spouse in that scenario and making up trips to get away from their toddlers while leaving the other parent/spouse at home to deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I assume that this is what most folks do with business trips. Even if the trip in necessary I always assume folks with kids are tacking on extra days.

REALLY? I seriously would not have thought this.

NP here - maybe it depends on where you work? I'm on my 2nd job involving travel and in both cases I haven't really run across anyone who does this on any of my teams. When a meeting is over, we all leave THAT day. In fact most people tend to get a bit "down" if we finish late enough that we miss the last flight out or if we're in a small city where the next flight isn't for a day so we're stuck. I haven't seen people saying -- oh we're done here in Nashville at 4 pm on Friday, well I'm staying the night and will fly home late day Sat. The only thing I have seen people do is fly in the evening/afternoon before a meeting. If a meeting isn't until say 11 am -- so you could fly the morning of -- I know some people still want to fly the afternoon/evening before. That can sometimes be viewed as getting a free afternoon/evening and some "me time" away from home but sometimes it is just the case of a person who'd rather be where they need to be and be settled and not worry about flight delays the morning of the event. Have never thought anything of it even if they're doing it for "me time" bc it really is 1 afternoon or evening max. Way different than going away for 3-4 days on a made up trip like OP is doing.

Anonymous wrote:Feeling that way is normal. Lying about it is not, and I think really bad. I would be incredibly angry if DH did that--,,lying not trusting me to give him the freedom and space in a mutually agreed upon time, way.

+1.

My friend and her husband, a university professor, are constantly going on trips that are clearly mainly vacations but are paid for out of research grants he receives from the government (her flights are usually covered by air miles, sometimes they pay). It really ticks me off but I say nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I assume that this is what most folks do with business trips. Even if the trip in necessary I always assume folks with kids are tacking on extra days.

REALLY? I seriously would not have thought this.

Anonymous wrote:eh, I understand wanting to get away for a weekend but you are using your vacation leave and personal finances to fund these trips while telling your husband that you are traveling on "business". In the meantime, your husband is stuck at home holding down the fort - going to work and wrangling two toddlers to daycare and back and taking care of them while you're gone having "me time".

How would you feel if he did this? Suppose he told you that he was traveling for business but he was really booking himself nice trips at the beach or NYC or wherever and using his vacation leave and family finances to pay for it....

This poster is making the same point I was going to make. I additionally agree with the other posters about the deception. I am more than happy to allow my husband to take time off away from the family to regroup; however, he does it with my blessing. I would be very resentful if I found out he was sneaking away for a few days here and there a few times a year. I need a break too. I am just like your husband and I feel family time is extremely important, but everyone needs a break. Be open about it discuss it and come up with the plan You may be surprised to find out that he wants a break as well periodically. You have to be prepared to be home alone with the kids one or two times a year with yourself. Raising kids is hard. I can see wanting this once a year, but a couple times a year seems a lot to me