Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

Anonymous wrote:If you speak with a gynecologist, you’ll find that this attitude about “ok never having sex again” is the norm for middle aged women who are married with children. This is how we are made by nature. It is normal.

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by the anti-woman tone in many of the replies. I can imagine why these men are not successful in long term relationships, as they seem to think a woman “has to” have sex, as if they are bought and paid for. With that attitude, I suspect they have indeed been in this situation. The OP, however, seems a kind and warm man. Marriages have seasons, and the levels of intimacy are up and down. As another poster noted, women need to feel loved and appreciated to want to have sex, while men get hostile if they don’t have sex. This doesn’t work out so well, as hostile men are not real attractive to a woman. I’d suggest the OP step away from focusing on sex and instead spend some time trying to re-establish a loving relationship. Smiles, kind compliments, some hand-holding, dinners out, courting type behavior may make his wife feel loved and appreciated. Talking about things that interest her will help. Too often men become self-centered, arrogant, harsh without realizing it. A woman can begin to feel used, rather than loved - no care or attention, no interest in her thoughts or opinions is a turn off. Perhaps reestabishing a loving, interested attitude may help to make her feel loved and appreciated - and that’s when a woman is more interested in intimacy. Therapy may help, hormonal balance testing might help too. But most important sex organ is the brain.

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you zoo, and I agree that the little kid years are wildly different than I imagine the teen years will be (...I mean, she even admitted that the book was about when you have little kids!). I fully admit I'm not someone who can speak with authority and I haven't been there yet (I'm in my early thirties and currently pregnant with my second), but I honestly wonder: is it that people who feel like this don't want to have sex with their HUSBANDS, or do they seriously feel zero sexual desire at all? Do they masturbate? I swear half the time I hear sex in your forties gets insane (in a good way) and half I hear about people who would be fine with never having sex again

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Because we love each other, and I don't particularly feel like being an asshole. It would be counterproductive and, in any case, I'd prefer masturbation over coerced sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Because we love each other, and I don't particularly feel like being an asshole. It would be counterproductive and, in any case, I'd prefer masturbation over coerced sex.

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?