Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 15:41     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
My inlaws collect pretty expensive antiques (although not ones I would want...). They keep telling us the prices of things. Ugh. I'm hoping they sell them all to a dealer before they downsize! My SIL and I joke about not fighting each other over these antiques since they don't want them either.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 15:38     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:This happened to my SIL. MIL got remarried and basically chucked all her personal stuff when she moved in with her new DH. SIL was scarred by this. All childhood toys, etc. Also scarred by not having a place to go home to on school breaks while in college - MIL basically told her not to come home and mess up her new married life. Sucks.


Wow. That is painful. I never experienced divorce personally and was stunned as a 50 year old adult, to see posts here at DC Urban moms from posters who agreed that they would never remarry because brining children in to these situations can be a disaster. Your sil's mother is vile but I have heard so many similar stories from children of divorced then remarried parents. She lost her mother and her home but in a way that gave her no expectation of sympathy or support from others. If her mother had died, some of the people around her would have had sympathy. As a young college student or even young 20 something I never would have realized what someone like that was going through. As I look back I know at least 2 friends who were "thrown away" by their middle school years and I didn't understand it.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 12:47     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

The daughter might not want it, but one or more of the grandchildren might.


And this is how hoarding begins.
You don't want it.
Your kids don't want it.
But maybe, just maybe some future descendant MIGHT.

I currently have my great-grandmother's silver (plate) sitting on a shelf in my garage. My grandmother took it when her mother died in 1975. She kept it in her attic until she moved to assisted living in 2008. (De-crapping her 4 bedroom house was a 6-month nightmare.) My mother took it when grandma died in 2015.
Now mom has handed it to me and what the hell am I supposed to do with it? I tried to have mom give to younger cousin who just got married but cousin lives in 1 bedroom apartment and doesn't want it. How long do i have to store it until I can just donate it? I know if I tell my mom, I want to donate it, she will take it back to her house. My parents are 70+ and need to work on going stuff out of their house not adding more in!!!!


I use the silver that has been handed down to me. If I didn't use it I would sell it. Have you priced it new? Not cheap!
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 12:44     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:As rude and insensitive as this is of them to leave for you to tackle while you are grieving, it is more rude and insensitive to ask living people to button up their lives so as not to inconvenience you when they are gone.

I have a similar situation and I'm resigned to having to do it when they are gone to preserve their dignity now. If they get a little more decrepit or scared, they might let me declutter. These are the same people who said 'never again' when we had to clean out my grandparents- who weren't hoarders- neat home, but just lots of stuff, like 6 sewing machines and a dozen hammers, etc and a house large enough that it wasn't messy. Now that they are aging, I think facing the clean up makes them think about their mortality and they do not want to do that.

If they don't respond to reason or guilt, I'd either send them on mini vacations or have other family members entertain them here and there while I go through things, or I'd bank that vacay time, preparing to use it when it's needed.

If they sound angry, there is no way you will get them cleaning out on your watch.


If they didn't work on their own clutter after dealing with your grandparents' clutter, then I don't think that your parents were ever sincere when they said "never again" or they would have nipped their own situation in the bud years ago.

It took decades for them to accumulate all that stuff. Decades! They have not been elderly for decades have they? And you, their beloved (middle aged) child, is supposed to swoop in when the time comes and clean it all up for them? How many weeks of your hard earned vacation are you willing to spend doing that?

I'm in my 50's - not old at all. But these tales have inspired me to start getting rid of the excess stuff in my own house. I'm a book collector so those will stay. But stuff that is just taking up room in a closet and is never used - that will go.





Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 12:23     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:

The daughter might not want it, but one or more of the grandchildren might.


And this is how hoarding begins.
You don't want it.
Your kids don't want it.
But maybe, just maybe some future descendant MIGHT.

I currently have my great-grandmother's silver (plate) sitting on a shelf in my garage. My grandmother took it when her mother died in 1975. She kept it in her attic until she moved to assisted living in 2008. (De-crapping her 4 bedroom house was a 6-month nightmare.) My mother took it when grandma died in 2015.
Now mom has handed it to me and what the hell am I supposed to do with it? I tried to have mom give to younger cousin who just got married but cousin lives in 1 bedroom apartment and doesn't want it. How long do i have to store it until I can just donate it? I know if I tell my mom, I want to donate it, she will take it back to her house. My parents are 70+ and need to work on going stuff out of their house not adding more in!!!!
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 12:21     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Amazing. I thought this was only my family's problem. Last time I was home, my mom urged me to take anything I might want from the house. I took lots of photographs and some china. Then my dad, the hoarder, went through the boxes that I had assembled and took it all back. Stuff he literally had not seen for years, didn't even know they had -- but now he needs it. What's sad is that I had found some amazing photos from the 1800's mouldering in the basement, literally growing mold. My plan was to take them to a photo restorer and hang them on our wall so that we could enjoy them. Instead, back to the basement they went. By the time I get to see them again, they will undoubtedly be unsalvageable.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 11:59     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^^ Guess what, gramma? It was your work to do. Kids did not 'help' you accumulate all that crap, you did.

You're SUPPOSED to take care of this stuff so they don't have to do it when you die.

Oh and stop buying their plane tickets if you're gonna bitch about it later.


DP.

Harsh, but true.


I am so glad that I never have felt that way about any aging person in our family. Beyond harsh.


I am the poster who said "harsh, but true."

I would never have expressed it the way PP did, not even if my loved one was not present. But the point does remain -- all of the items you collected are yours, and it is not someone else's job to manage them for you. That is what being an adult is all about. It's what we teach our kids, too -- if you make a mess, you clean it up. If you want a pet, you will have to take care of it. This is just on a bigger scale.

And I've never expected anyone else to praise me or be grateful to me for taking care of my own things as an adult.

That being said, I loved my parents. I always pitched in. I did not remonstrate them for setting me up for the monumental task of cleaning up after them, when it was a houseful of items that could have served 4 families, if it were not all moldy and mildewed.

But that doesn't mean I should have had to do it.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 11:54     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:Be careful about books. My parents have told me to make sure I go through all their books page by page because that's where they used to hide money. Now they can't remember which ones!


Also check places like stationery boxes and envelopes for extra cash. I had to clean out my grandmother's place and dropped a box of stationary and found 20 bucks. I decided to look through all the boxes of things ( regular envelopes, notepads, pencil cases etc) just in case and wound up with about $250 in cash that had been randomly scattered through her desk.

I also found another $150 stored in books.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 11:41     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
My mother, not too long ago, told me that if they suddenly die together, to make sure I check EVERYTHING, because they have money hidden away in pockets and tucked into books, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 11:09     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
As rude and insensitive as this is of them to leave for you to tackle while you are grieving, it is more rude and insensitive to ask living people to button up their lives so as not to inconvenience you when they are gone.

I have a similar situation and I'm resigned to having to do it when they are gone to preserve their dignity now. If they get a little more decrepit or scared, they might let me declutter. These are the same people who said 'never again' when we had to clean out my grandparents- who weren't hoarders- neat home, but just lots of stuff, like 6 sewing machines and a dozen hammers, etc and a house large enough that it wasn't messy. Now that they are aging, I think facing the clean up makes them think about their mortality and they do not want to do that.

If they don't respond to reason or guilt, I'd either send them on mini vacations or have other family members entertain them here and there while I go through things, or I'd bank that vacay time, preparing to use it when it's needed.

If they sound angry, there is no way you will get them cleaning out on your watch.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 10:08     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
This is hard, people hoard. I told my parents straight up, I don't want any of their stuff. I don't like their artwork, their yearbooks, furniture, or their precious book or CD collection. Once my mother was explaining to me how special this one book was (first edition but crummy condition) and I looked her in the eyes and said "When you die, it's going to goodwill or the trash, and if you think I'm going to write book collectors or libraries you're wrong." Worked miracles, but also going through a death of her own, she realized how much work it was to clean out. Over the years things have been purged to the housekeeper, donations, or the trash. She even on her own called some libraries and asked if they wanted her books. She was indignant when they said no. Her apartment is almost clutter free. I'm very proud.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 10:01     Subject: Re:I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:I downsized with absolutely no help....I mean not even carry out the garbage....from my kids and their spouses. They took what they wanted and were not seen until all the work was done.
So, are my kids on some forum talking about how fortunate they are to have no worries when we die?
Nah.....they’re probably whining about the Christmas gift we gave them. Or that we gave our grandchild a starburst while exhausting ourselves babysitting. Or deciding when they want to go to our beach house.....so we can get their seats together when we buy their plane tickets.
Leave your parents alone....and check the books.


Did you ask for help?

Honestly, unless you're not capable, this is your job.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 09:59     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh - OLD CHRISTMAS CARDS! A PP posted about this. I was in my 90-year-old mom's house last week, going through all the charity mail in her "junk room" - aka my old room. She gets tons of charity mail from scam charities and it is exhausting to make sure she is not giving them money.

Anyway, I discovered that she has been saving old Christmas cards. Years worth. Just in one of the giant boxes in that room. I almost cried. I'm an only child, one who posted upthread, and I can feel a panic attack coming on at the very thought of cleaning out her house. The pictures and cards and things she saves from years ago, while sentimental to her, mean nothing to me. It would be different if she ever looked through them, but she does not. They are just packed away waiting for me to deal with at some point.

I swear I will never do this to my kids. I actually think about it because I am afraid I might change my stripes as I get older. but she has always been this way and I am less inclined to keep things. I still do keep more than I probably should, but I definitely make an effort to get rid of things.


I keep cards and letters from my parents (as well as spouse and kids). I don't expect those things to have any significance to my kids. No, I don't look at them... but really they don't take up a lot of space, either.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 09:57     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^^ Guess what, gramma? It was your work to do. Kids did not 'help' you accumulate all that crap, you did.

You're SUPPOSED to take care of this stuff so they don't have to do it when you die.

Oh and stop buying their plane tickets if you're gonna bitch about it later.


DP.

Harsh, but true.


I am so glad that I never have felt that way about any aging person in our family. Beyond harsh.


eh, some of the hoarding (or near hoarding) situations that some of the PPs on this thread are describing would be very tough to deal with. It isn't easy for a grown child to take time off of work and away from their own families in order to help a parent go through......what in some cases is quite literally trash. Bags, boxes, piles of stuff. Stuff that belongs in a dumpster. Stuff that fills closets and rooms.

Imagine spending your vacation time going through decades worth of stored crap. I can see how that could make a person a bit resentful.


Been there, done that. Twice!
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2018 09:49     Subject: I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!
My mother is the anti-hoarder. She stopped buying us gifts years ago. Instead she wraps up things from around her house and gives them to us for Christmas/birthdays etc. She doesn't care if YOU get rid of it from there, but she doesn't want to have to toss her grandmother's china butter dish from the 30s. Her only rule is that whatever she gives you can NOT come back into her house under any circumstances.

Occasionally she sets up a table in the living room with stuff. When we have a family event, she labels what it is and says if we want stuff, to take it. If we don't want it, it's going in the trash/donate. Offering it up to other people helps relieve the feeling of "tossing grandma's stuff". If no one wants it, out it goes.

I'm really thankful she's like this.