Anonymous wrote:Truth is, neither of you can know until the child is actually here how you are actually going to feel about this issue or what your financial situation is actually going to be. I know tons of people who had strong feeling one way and wound up doing the opposite for a widely-ranging variety of reasons, while others were able to make their original ideal preference work.

Best to marry someone who realizes this and has an open mind, even if they have an ideal preference in mind.

100% this.
Things can and do change in either direction. I lived it and so havey many of my friends. I think it's a good idea to talk about these things when dating.

Anonymous wrote:
Op, these are important values that he has. You must be honest and tell him how very different you are.

Marriage between you both will NOT work out for either one of you. You should have brought this up much sooner.

Why didn't you?

Crickets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

It is neither honorable nor virtuous to try to impose your views onto someone else. If he had couched this as "I think it's beneficial to have one parent stay at home and I would be very supportive if that's what you wanted too," this would be a different situation. Issuing what is essentially an ultimatum about how his hypothetical future wife should manage her career is controlling and creepy. And so is saying "I'd support you doing charitable work but not paid work."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sign a prenup. If he wants you to give up your career and earning potential he’s got to give you and insurance policy.

I was thinking that she should demand a prenup that would give her more support if they do separate. It sounds like a lot of courts are moving away from alimony and just awarding child support. If I gave up my career mid-career and lost the ability to max out my 401k, I’d want to be darn sure that I was financially provided for through retirement age.

Right? That would be the right way to respond to this "bombshell."

Truth is, neither of you can know until the child is actually here how you are actually going to feel about this issue or what your financial situation is actually going to be. I know tons of people who had strong feeling one way and wound up doing the opposite for a widely-ranging variety of reasons, while others were able to make their original ideal preference work.

Best to marry someone who realizes this and has an open mind, even if they have an ideal preference in mind.

Anonymous wrote:New poster and to me it's a bombshell. My father was abandoned by his father, and my father expected my mom to stay home. Trouble was, he didn't make enough money. And what he earned he kept for himself. We always had financial issues growing up and I learned to never depend on a man for financial security. So I would never, NEVER stay at home.

Part of my father's insistence that my mother stay home is that he felt threatened by a woman making more money than him. And at the time, my mother was. So that's something I'd look for, too. What type of power structure does he envision in the partnership/marriage?

Now, other women feel differently and feel secure in the fact their man will provide. But then another question arises: do you enjoy staying home with kids all flipping day? Not everyone does. So consider that, too. And unfortunately, that's a hard one to gauge until you actually have kids and have to do it.

It's fine for this guy to want that. And it's great that he has stated it up front. But yes, it might be a dealbreaker.

Well, according to many of the posters in this thread you have unresolved issues from your childhood that you’re now working through your family by rigidly stating you would “never, NEVER” stay at home. Personally, I have no problem with you learning from your childhood, but be prepared for many people to tell you that you need therapy.

New poster and to me it's a bombshell. My father was abandoned by his father, and my father expected my mom to stay home. Trouble was, he didn't make enough money. And what he earned he kept for himself. We always had financial issues growing up and I learned to never depend on a man for financial security. So I would never, NEVER stay at home.

Part of my father's insistence that my mother stay home is that he felt threatened by a woman making more money than him. And at the time, my mother was. So that's something I'd look for, too. What type of power structure does he envision in the partnership/marriage?

Now, other women feel differently and feel secure in the fact their man will provide. But then another question arises: do you enjoy staying home with kids all flipping day? Not everyone does. So consider that, too. And unfortunately, that's a hard one to gauge until you actually have kids and have to do it.

It's fine for this guy to want that. And it's great that he has stated it up front. But yes, it might be a dealbreaker.

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who thought would never want to stay at home with my kids. Then I had one, and I could totally see how kids benefit from having a mom who stays at home. I would not break up with him over this. You really don't know how you will feel until you have the kids.

This. 100%

Firstly, this isn't a bombshell. A bombshell is
" I have two kids.","
i used to be a woman,"
"this is my first relationship with woman I'm trying out being hetero"
" I believe my cat is my lord and savior."
"I think women lie about rape."

What your boyfriend told you is the kind of stuff you should be talking about as you get to know each other.

Personally, I would be against anyone rigidly committed to one way or the other. So talk to him and see how flexible he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

Thar's not compassion that's codependency. Men are not projects pp. Lots of people have messed up childhoods that's not the dealbreaker the deal breaker is that h hasn't done the work. It's a problem and will be a problem even if he does end up getting that SAH wife.

How would it be a problem if he finds someone who wants the same things he wants? That may not be OP but I'm sure an attractive, fit, well to do man who is looking for a woman to settle down will find one fairly quickly.

For the last time because apparently you are dense it has nothing to do with being a SAHM or wanting that it has everything to do with him working out his childhood issues through his adult family.

Get a prenup asap.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sign a prenup. If he wants you to give up your career and earning potential he’s got to give you and insurance policy.

I was thinking that she should demand a prenup that would give her more support if they do separate. It sounds like a lot of courts are moving away from alimony and just awarding child support. If I gave up my career mid-career and lost the ability to max out my 401k, I’d want to be darn sure that I was financially provided for through retirement age.

OP sounds kind of immature. This isn't a "bombshell" and it doesn't require much analysis.

Not a bombshell: lots of families--especially high income families--choose to have a SAHM. It is a perfectly reasonable preference that both men and women work towards (also perfectly reasonable for both parents to want to work). Not only is it not unreasonable, it's quite common in high paying/high stress industries. By having one parent (typically the wife) specialize on the home making front, the other parent is free to devote more time to the competitive career. All else being equal, by definition, the working parent has more hours to devote to the career and get ahead of the coworker who is also doing more on the domestic front.

Not much analysis required: there are few things in relationships that are virtually non-negotiable or lack mutually acceptable compromises. How to raise kids is one of them. You really need to be on the same page or one parent is likely going to be making a compromise he/she will resent.

I don't think OP is wrong to want to work and her boyfriend isn't wrong to want a SAHW. They just aren't compatible and I would not continue the relationship on the hope that one partner's views would evolve over time. While it might happen, there is too much risk it won't happen and one partner will resent the other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So things have been getting serious with my BF. Dating 6 months, checks all the right boxes: handsome, intelligent, ambitious, hard worker, kind, etc. My parents and friends adore him. I really thought he was the one. Recently he told me that if he had children, he’d want the mother to quit working and be a SAHM full time. He said it means a lot to him as he had a less than stellar childhood (dad abandoned them, money issues, moved around a lot). Reading between the lines, I guess he wants a chance at a redo? Idk. I didn’t really understand the explanation fully but I do get the sense that it’s a deal breaker. It’s really thrown me though as I don’t see myself SAH.

He’s a great guy. Owns his own business, does well. Very good looking, fit, works out, has charming old fashioned values (opens the door, pays for dates, always calls or texts when he says he is going to, brings my mom flowers, treats his mom like gold, etc.). What to do? I’m 31. My career isn’t everything to me but it does give me an important sense of purpose and identity. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it?

To be honest, I think you're reading too much into it. He hasn't proposed, you aren't married, or pregnant. What makes you think he meant you specifically? Wait until he tells you that he wants YOU to stay home with YOUR children and then have a conversation. Right now you're putting the cart before the horse. There's literally nothing in what you wrote that invites such navel-gazing.

Well they are dating and she says they are serious. He's met her parents and she's met his mom. Sounds serious to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the SAHM drama. This isn't the issue.

The guy is trying to work out his childhood issues with the next generation. That's a bad, bad sign. He's 40 years old and hasn't dealt with these things is a bad, bad sign.

+1. Avoid guys with daddy issues.

Hmm I have a more compassionate take. Who doesn't want to learn from experience? He wants to be a good provider. He is saying it is deeply meaningful to him to succeed at this and nurture his family by providing them with all the means for a good life, where his father didn't have the virtues to do that.

Speak to his desire to provide, which is really honorable. He would probably be fine with his DW taking up charitable, benevolent work because it sounds like that's in the neighborhood of where he is coming from - that's the good life for him: to be honorable.

Thar's not compassion that's codependency. Men are not projects pp. Lots of people have messed up childhoods that's not the dealbreaker the deal breaker is that h hasn't done the work. It's a problem and will be a problem even if he does end up getting that SAH wife.

How would it be a problem if he finds someone who wants the same things he wants? That may not be OP but I'm sure an attractive, fit, well to do man who is looking for a woman to settle down will find one fairly quickly.