It is really not about whether the party is fancy/pricey or not. Even if I did a backyard play/pizza/sleepover party with my daughter that costs way less than what OP is spending, then I would want to restrict the guest list simply because of space constraints. And that's ok! It's ok not to have larger birthday parties and include everyone you know.

Therapists will tell you that it's healthier for preteens to have a smaller group of close, dependable friends than a large group of "friends" that are really acquaintances. That's why we are told to tell our preteens not to focus on popularity, or cool cliques - but on quality relationships. The girl in question is simply not one of the girls that OP's daughter considers in her tighter group of friends - she wouldn't have even been the 11th girl to be invited to this party if that slot was even open. To suggest that it's somehow wrong or elitist for the daughter to feel that way, or to act upon it for something as personal as a birthday party invitation list, is unfair.

I think this goes back to what several posters have already said - this is not a preschool or kindergarten party where the whole class gets invited. This is a preteen, and it's developmentally appropriate and healthy for a ten year old's network of real girlfriends to shrink. And it's on the new girl's mother to parent, and not make this into a bigger deal than it is, and help her daughter adjust to this reality of life.

You are setting precedent for bad values for your child. You should have given her the option of this exclusive party vs a more casual one where all her friends can be invited. Hopefully she would have picked the 2nd option, to be inclusive. You are setting her up to be an elitist. What's more important, to have a materialistic party where the price per kid is high or use that same money to invite all her friends. At the end of the day, what's more important to have a fancy birthday party or one where you are surrounded by all the people who you consider friends? You are imprinting to her bad behaviors that she may model later on .... sad.

Sounds like OP was unpopular as a child and is living vicariously through her daughter.

Maybe this is a sore spot for me because of my own experience as a tween. My close friend had a neighbor our age whose mother would stir up trouble any time my friend had another girl over at her house. Like, watching the cars that came to the house level of scrutiny. Friend spent lots of time with and was genuinely friends with the neighbor girl, so it wasn't exclusion or bullying. Her mother just didn't believe that it's okay to do things with other friends one-on-one sometimes.

I think children get to choose who their friends are and who comes to their birthday party. it sounds like the girl who didn't get invited isn't a close or longstanding friend. I don't recall feeling excluded when I wasn't invited to stuff held by girls who I got along with but wasn't close to. My third grade birthday party was a sleepover with four other girls - I had friendly relationships with more than four girls in my grade. Being left out is not meanness or bullying unless there is something else going on.

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Skeptical. What venue is this? You could do moderate tix at the Kennedy center (orchestra), dinne out and $30 favors and still not be at $150 a kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

Man, some of you people are so jealous and angry. You might say you are not, but your words read differently. It sounds like the birthday girl must be a nice girl because she has lots of friends. OP never said her daughter was ever mean to neighbor, just not tight. If OP has the money, go for it. She said it was a special birthday so they went all out. Good for them. My daughter was once invited to a party I will never be able to afford, and it was awesome! She has also not been invited to a party she really thought she would attend. The neighbor mom is making the situation drag by complaining about it. She needs to parent, teach her child about disappointment and move on. And if you knew anything about Karma, you would know that it affects most those who choose to view things with negativity and those who try to wield it as threat or weapon. Be kind and mind your words.

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the messages. A lot of the comments seem fueled by the fact that OP can afford a posh party (and they can't) instead of the actual dilemma.

Sounds like OP couldn’t really afford it. If 1 or 2 kids makes a difference at only $150 each, she probably was out of her price point. But wanted to make a big show anyway.

Once again, jealousy. She set a budget, she stuck to her budget. Even wealthier people have budgets. Maybe she saved for this birthday, maybe the grandparents helped. Maybe mom got a bonus and used it for the party. Maybe she could invite 20 more girls, but wanted a smaller group. Remember that from what OP has written, neighbor girl would NOT have been one of the 1-2 extra girls invited had she expanded the guest list. She's not a close friend. The situation would have remained the same if mom had added 2 extra girls, since they wouldn't have been the neighbor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal but still not very nice. You could have scaled back the party a bit. You obviously believe your daughter is Miss Popularity. That's not always a good thing. The most popular girls often go wrong in middle/high school.

Disagree strongly - not everything is an "exclusion" - it is important for your child to know that the birthday girl had parameters, and that sometimes the parameters do not include her. Or are you trying to ruin the birthday girls' day?

+100

Ugh. Why does your "special day" give you license to be mean to a friend?

Anonymous wrote:We could afford that type of party of our 10 year old but wouldn’t do it for exactly the reason here.

We are trying to to teach our child inclusion and kindness. We are trying to mold a functional adult who will help society.

OP is producing the next Paris Hilton or Donald Trump.

Whatever was in the bag, was it really worth hurting the feelings of other girls? You taught your daughter to rank friendships and value money. But, that’s America and American values. I pity you and your child.

This. This thread makes me really sad for these young girls, the ones who were included and the ones who weren't. We seeing them learn how to justify casual cruelty, and learn that they shouldn't admit to having their feelings hurt if it might make someone else, who acted badly, feel bad.

These are 10-year-old girls. 4 girls play together most days after school. 3/4 went to a party and 1/4 made a decision, backed by her mother, that the friendship wasn't "old" enough to invite the 4th. The 4th 10-year-old is supposed to understand now that she is a "4th wheel."

Whatever happened to "invite all, or less than half?" That's why the other friend groups are much less of an issue. 2-3 off the sports team of 15? Fine. 2-3 out of a class of 20? Fine. 2 out of 3? Not fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

Man, some of you people are so jealous and angry. You might say you are not, but your words read differently. It sounds like the birthday girl must be a nice girl because she has lots of friends. OP never said her daughter was ever mean to neighbor, just not tight. If OP has the money, go for it. She said it was a special birthday so they went all out. Good for them. My daughter was once invited to a party I will never be able to afford, and it was awesome! She has also not been invited to a party she really thought she would attend. The neighbor mom is making the situation drag by complaining about it. She needs to parent, teach her child about disappointment and move on. And if you knew anything about Karma, you would know that it affects most those who choose to view things with negativity and those who try to wield it as threat or weapon. Be kind and mind your words.

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the messages. A lot of the comments seem fueled by the fact that OP can afford a posh party (and they can't) instead of the actual dilemma.

Sounds like OP couldn’t really afford it. If 1 or 2 kids makes a difference at only $150 each, she probably was out of her price point. But wanted to make a big show anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal but still not very nice. You could have scaled back the party a bit. You obviously believe your daughter is Miss Popularity. That's not always a good thing. The most popular girls often go wrong in middle/high school.

Disagree strongly - not everything is an "exclusion" - it is important for your child to know that the birthday girl had parameters, and that sometimes the parameters do not include her. Or are you trying to ruin the birthday girls' day?

+100

We could afford that type of party of our 10 year old but wouldn’t do it for exactly the reason here.

We are trying to to teach our child inclusion and kindness. We are trying to mold a functional adult who will help society.

OP is producing the next Paris Hilton or Donald Trump.

Whatever was in the bag, was it really worth hurting the feelings of other girls? You taught your daughter to rank friendships and value money. But, that’s America and American values. I pity you and your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

Man, some of you people are so jealous and angry. You might say you are not, but your words read differently. It sounds like the birthday girl must be a nice girl because she has lots of friends. OP never said her daughter was ever mean to neighbor, just not tight. If OP has the money, go for it. She said it was a special birthday so they went all out. Good for them. My daughter was once invited to a party I will never be able to afford, and it was awesome! She has also not been invited to a party she really thought she would attend. The neighbor mom is making the situation drag by complaining about it. She needs to parent, teach her child about disappointment and move on. And if you knew anything about Karma, you would know that it affects most those who choose to view things with negativity and those who try to wield it as threat or weapon. Be kind and mind your words.

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the messages. A lot of the comments seem fueled by the fact that OP can afford a posh party (and they can't) instead of the actual dilemma.

+1000.

I can't believe the responses to jealous neighborhood mom is to have an entirely different party so she can be appeased. WTF? People are this jealous over a kids' birthday party?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

Man, some of you people are so jealous and angry. You might say you are not, but your words read differently. It sounds like the birthday girl must be a nice girl because she has lots of friends. OP never said her daughter was ever mean to neighbor, just not tight. If OP has the money, go for it. She said it was a special birthday so they went all out. Good for them. My daughter was once invited to a party I will never be able to afford, and it was awesome! She has also not been invited to a party she really thought she would attend. The neighbor mom is making the situation drag by complaining about it. She needs to parent, teach her child about disappointment and move on. And if you knew anything about Karma, you would know that it affects most those who choose to view things with negativity and those who try to wield it as threat or weapon. Be kind and mind your words.

I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the messages. A lot of the comments seem fueled by the fact that OP can afford a posh party (and they can't) instead of the actual dilemma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This also reminds me of a wedding dilemma common enough that Miss Manners had to address it multiple times (which drilled her position into my head). The letter writer would say something like “Our dream venue (or budget + dream caterer or whatever) only accommodates 60 people, but our minimum guest list is 110. We either have to cut whole family branches or generations or whatever— whom should we cut?” And Miss Manners’ inevitable reply was “Choose a new venue or have cake and punch, you can’t cut for budgetary reasons.”

To be clear, you can decide you want a small wedding, you can elope if you want to, etc. But what she emphasizes you CAN’T do is not invite people you would otherwise invite because of budgetary reasons. You can’t invite your aunt and not your cousin (whose wedding you attended and to whom you are moderately close) simply because that puts you over the guest limit at Fabulous Historic Mansion. You can’t have an appropriate guest list in mind and then start cutting awkwardly because of an arbitrary limit.

I’m not sure OP’s scenario is complete analogous, but it does sound similar enough— like if the budget were higher, she would not have awkwardly excluded this one kid. It would have been substantially different if the birthday girl wanted an intimate 4-guest sleepover and invited all the neighborhood girls in question OR had invited one girl each from different friend groups. But that’s not what she did.

You’re right.

Nope, not even a close comparison.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

Man, some of you people are so jealous and angry. You might say you are not, but your words read differently. It sounds like the birthday girl must be a nice girl because she has lots of friends. OP never said her daughter was ever mean to neighbor, just not tight. If OP has the money, go for it. She said it was a special birthday so they went all out. Good for them. My daughter was once invited to a party I will never be able to afford, and it was awesome! She has also not been invited to a party she really thought she would attend. The neighbor mom is making the situation drag by complaining about it. She needs to parent, teach her child about disappointment and move on. And if you knew anything about Karma, you would know that it affects most those who choose to view things with negativity and those who try to wield it as threat or weapon. Be kind and mind your words.