This is the OP of this thread. I just wanted to report, for anyone who was curious, that my elaborate chore chart (and a lot of discussions) did end up really helping to even out the division of labor in my marriage. We didn't go through and divide up item by item, but my DH agreed to take on several large areas he wasn't doing before. He now makes the kids' lunches, schedules medical appointments and handles insurance submissions--this is a lot b/c one kid has SN, and I hated doing it--and orders groceries. I feel so much better towards him, and less stressed out about the dreaded insurance submission task.

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Anonymous wrote:At least she'll confirm she did not marry a Partner in Life. Then she can decide what the next step is. He may just not be cut out for parenting children, maintaining a single family home, or picking up after himself.

I confirmed that years ago. My next step was doing what I want, all the time. He gets absolutely no say in it.

Amen. I too got fed up of not being able to count on him for anything, anything other than mucking up things. He is now cut out of everything and can happily focus on his office work. He also has all his crap in the basement, but sleeps upstairs in the bedroom. Half the basement is for the kids and decently tidy, the other half is his mess. His mother is clueless about his bad habits, but must really think he's got it togerh.

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Anonymous wrote:How anything gets done anywhere:
1) Person notices or remembers something that needs to be done
2) Person decides to put the effort in to doing what needs to be done
3) Person knows how to effectively/successfully do what needs to be done

If any of those three -- proactive, not lazy, not stupid -- are missing in your spouse, good luck.

My husband sometimes manages 3) but never 1) and rarely 2).

same here! He'll walk past his dirty coffee cups he dropped in the bedroom and does nothing. So he either doesn't notice (1) or expects someone else to pick up after him (2), and should he do the first two the coffee cups get dipped in soapy water and put in the drying rack so no (3) either!! no sponge, no scrubbing, no dishwasher, just the ol' bachelor rinse off. blech.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

Because other things in the relationship that were positive were more important at the time?

And because pre-marriage and pre-kids, few people if anyone knows what a default parent is, much less what being one entails.

But couldn't you tell whether or not he has a basically lazy or irresponsible attitude? I refused to date anyone whose place was a mess, who couldn't plan time accurately, or who was flaky on committments. Because it was obvious that he would be even worse after kids.

You were smart! But that's not much of a help to those of us in the sadly common plight of the default parent.

I really don't know what to say that would help. If you are willing to draw some red lines and not back down, it may improve. But a lot of women aren't.

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Anonymous wrote:OP will you post your chart? I think it's a good idea.

Thanks! I don't think I feel comfortable posting it as it is b/c it's fairly personal, and I doubt I will prioritize editing it to make it more generic for DCUM use. But feel free to steal the idea and publish a best-selling book about it.

The only book a 150-item chore chart for your spouse will be appearing in is "My Wife: The Most Controlling Nag on Planet Earth" by Husband OP.

It hurts to see it spelled out in objective terms what a failure you are as a partner, doesn't it?

Not at all, because I'm not a failure. In my house we have a pretty equal division of labor but no one blows a gasket when we have to pick up the slack for the other. I appreciate the things my partner DOES do. I guess I just picked a better man than you.

If you feel you have a fair division of labor who cares? Your defensiveness suggests that in fact you don't have a fair division but you don't feel empowered to demand it.

+1. If something isn't done, we help each other or have a discussion like adults. No blowing any gaskets. Are you not able to stand up for yourself and hold your husband to an agreement that he voluntarily entered? Maybe you should work on that, rather than denigrating those of us who have successful marriages in which the chores are handled fairly and in an organized way.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why anyone would marry someone who isn't willing and abke to pull their weight. I dumped a few guys for it after the first few months of dating. Couldn't you see this coming?

Because other things in the relationship that were positive were more important at the time?

And because pre-marriage and pre-kids, few people if anyone knows what a default parent is, much less what being one entails.

But couldn't you tell whether or not he has a basically lazy or irresponsible attitude? I refused to date anyone whose place was a mess, who couldn't plan time accurately, or who was flaky on committments. Because it was obvious that he would be even worse after kids.

You were smart! But that's not much of a help to those of us in the sadly common plight of the default parent.