Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 06:56     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive


OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away


Ignore the trolls, OP.

The reality is a lot of women have responsive sexual desire that fades away in a long term marriage. Take a look at how frequently lesbians have sex after year of marriage and you will get the point.

The worst thing you could do is take her low desire personally as these anonymous posters encourage you to. It happened to me in my marriage and it took an affair to realize the problem was DW, not me.


Who exactly is looking at this and how?
My lesbian friends speak positively about sex all the time. They say that the real sexual sparks started when they left their marriages to guys and found a female partner.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 22:00     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
My husband is a 36 year old child that cannot solve the simplest problems by himself or expects everything to be done for him while praising how smart and funny he is at the same time.
ddintysons
Post 06/19/2017 21:25     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
As a wife who never, ever gets more than a quickie from her husband, I can tell you it's not a satisfying sex life, and yes, I am tempted to stray.



Never? No, oral or manual love first? And, by "quickie" you mean he has an orgasm and you do not?

Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 13:00     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
The primary problem in my marriage is that I have absolutely nothing to really bitch about when my GF's are complaining! One GF told me that I've missed out on a lot of great make-up sex because we've never really had a fight.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 10:49     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH keeps telling me to lean in and get promoted. I know he's just saying it so I don't take my foot off the pedal and ultimately realize I'm disappointed with my career, but I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old. I earn $125k, so I'm not doing terribly, but it drives me to madness that he's so persistent in that I should be striving for more at this point.

I'm so tired that I'm just trying to do the job that I have.

LOL. So is your DH taking a step back at work to help out with your child and household? If no, tell him where to stick it.


+1
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 09:16     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For a long time in my marriage, I always expected that my hubby should be able to read my mind and know what I needed from him and when that didn't happen I would get upset at him. I would get into a sulk but pretend I was okay. Understandably, my hubby would be confused at my behavior and in turn would withdraw. Thankfully we asked for help from a Mentor/counselor and he was able to help us see what we were both doing wrong in our marriage and to take steps to communicate better with each other.


My husband does this. I need to anticipate that he's upset about something without him telling me. And then respond in an appropriate and timely fashion.


So you have to read his mind/his mood, but you can't expect him to read yours?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 09:11     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex. by far. It's the only issue, but it's a massive one. DW is once a week, if I push for it, and then only quickies. Yes, I have had affairs, no she doesn't know, I am trying to be faithful again, but it's getting tougher with the current drought.


She knows now.


+1

You are blaming your wife for the affairs. What a coward. Why not just get a divorce?


It's not normal to have sex once a week at most, and always have them be quickies. It's like snacking but never getting a gourmet meal.


I think it is. Think of all the DCUM wives who know they need to give their husband sex at least once a week to sustain their marriages. What are they going to do, make it long and drawn out? or quickie and get it over with and consider that they've done their due diligence. DH has no reason to cheat, he isn't in a sexless marriage, he's getting regular, if quick, sex. Quickie. Totally normal. Maybe not healthy, but totally normal.

My go to is a quickie, always.


As a wife who never, ever gets more than a quickie from her husband, I can tell you it's not a satisfying sex life, and yes, I am tempted to stray.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 09:01     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:For a long time in my marriage, I always expected that my hubby should be able to read my mind and know what I needed from him and when that didn't happen I would get upset at him. I would get into a sulk but pretend I was okay. Understandably, my hubby would be confused at my behavior and in turn would withdraw. Thankfully we asked for help from a Mentor/counselor and he was able to help us see what we were both doing wrong in our marriage and to take steps to communicate better with each other.


My husband does this. I need to anticipate that he's upset about something without him telling me. And then respond in an appropriate and timely fashion.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2017 23:00     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Like the other PP, I'd say the biggest problem is no love language.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2017 21:09     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:My husband's: borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and abusive childhood.....know before you buy, folks. KNOW BEFORE YOU BUY.


I wish I had been smart enough back then to understand the warning signs of mental illness, but I didn't know any better. You are so right to know before you buy. Now it's too late. Total waste of years.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2017 17:51     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
For a long time in my marriage, I always expected that my hubby should be able to read my mind and know what I needed from him and when that didn't happen I would get upset at him. I would get into a sulk but pretend I was okay. Understandably, my hubby would be confused at my behavior and in turn would withdraw. Thankfully we asked for help from a Mentor/counselor and he was able to help us see what we were both doing wrong in our marriage and to take steps to communicate better with each other.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 15:28     Subject: What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:DH keeps telling me to lean in and get promoted. I know he's just saying it so I don't take my foot off the pedal and ultimately realize I'm disappointed with my career, but I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old. I earn $125k, so I'm not doing terribly, but it drives me to madness that he's so persistent in that I should be striving for more at this point.

I'm so tired that I'm just trying to do the job that I have.

LOL. So is your DH taking a step back at work to help out with your child and household? If no, tell him where to stick it.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 15:22     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Primary- hmm.. I feel like I do 70% of everything- we both work - I make considerably more but that's due to industry differences- we work equally hard at jobs. Both make good money.
But I do most of stuff around house, financial planning, etc- I can figure out how to fix stuff, he gets frustrated and is useles. If a light is out, a doorknob is broken, the stroller breaks, always me who fixes or finds solution. Even buying train tiickets- he buys two one ways instead of round trip- silly but I'm always thinking why does he do that. So I feel more capable. I do feel more intellectual and that's tough.
He hasn't watched a documentary or read a book or newspaper in 15 years.
I'll hear something interesting on education or environment or business and he has no interest. So I'm mentally bored.
He has low sex drive which I'm ok with.

I guess I feel like I could do this all alone and sometimes wonder what he brings to the table.
He's a good dad but I'm just frustrated right now.

I fantasize about how I could live where I want and have easy life not having to accommodate him. I could buy real estate, save money and have my own way all the time. Now I feel like I have to pretend like he's helpful.
I sound like a man... sometimes I feel like one!
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 21:13     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive

OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away





Are you taking her out on dates and to do fun things from time to time? That could do a lot towards making you more attractive.


Dates are pretty tough as it is hard to get someone that can watch two toddlers and and infant. We do lunch dates when we can which are nice. We try to do fun things at home when the kids are asleep but again, kind of tough to do on the regular.


Dates won't change anything. Neither will chores.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 20:20     Subject: Re:What is the primary problem in your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex life, there is none. My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me and when we do it sucks because I am unattractive to her. I am starting to think that she has some real negative associations with sex with men like me to whom she is not attracted. Won't let me give oral, only likes sex in one position, has to be a regimented approach to it. I have asked her about it but she says that its "just the way she is with you". In retrospect it was always kind of like that after the first few months off good, hot sex, but I thought it was just kind of a random thing not at all associated with me degenerating into a boring beta provider......until I found this forum looking for daycare options for my kids We are good parents and roomates but at this point I don't really think of her like my wife. Any conversation around sex escalates into her crying and saying she is a bad wife because she cannot force herself to be attracted to a boring unattractive man. I am one time away from saying yep, you are. FYI we have three children under 3 so yes, I am a very involved husband in rearing and housework simply becuase there is no choice, but her behavior pre-dated the kids so that's not it. Otherwise its a great marriage.


FIFY

Your problem: she is not attracted to you
Your solution: be more attractive


OP here. Thanks for this. I don't think I have changed a lot has since our marriage, maybe my wife does? Sure life is more boring becuase we have three kids but the sex dropped off before kids. I get this advice as it is the most prevalent on here, and probably true, but I guess its tough becuase I don't feel I have really changed all that much since we were dating and had good, hot sex. Our life circumstance has for sure, but I have not. Flame away


Ignore the trolls, OP.

The reality is a lot of women have responsive sexual desire that fades away in a long term marriage. Take a look at how frequently lesbians have sex after year of marriage and you will get the point.

The worst thing you could do is take her low desire personally as these anonymous posters encourage you to. It happened to me in my marriage and it took an affair to realize the problem was DW, not me.