Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 13:05     Subject: Rant re DH's family
I think various posters have called it correctly when they say OP is holding onto this old grudge because she's getting something out of it. It meets some deep need and feeds an old pain. Everyone sees the poisoning effect, and OP, you do too, but you're stuck with the feeling.

It's like part of you is frozen in immaturity. Something hurt you when you were little, and that childish part of you holds onto it and stamps its tiny feet, crying, "It's not fair!!!!!" The fact that you'd like the in-laws to apologize or acknowledge says it's your inner child that's hurting and expecting life to be fair. Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

A good therapist might be able to help you learn to parent yourself through this. I've seen it done. You end up having to talk to yourself as often as you need to, using your loving mother voice to talk to your hurt child. Channel the loving, affirming things you would say to your child and say it to yourself. Sounds weird, but it works.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 12:58     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

And no offense but are you Indian? Where are you from?


Hahahaha. No idea where that came from or what your personal issues are, but no, I'm not Indian. I hate to disappoint you, but there are Lily White people who somehow developed a moral compass and sense of fairness.



I am the OP and I am not Indian.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 12:05     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:

And no offense but are you Indian? Where are you from?


Hahahaha. No idea where that came from or what your personal issues are, but no, I'm not Indian. I hate to disappoint you, but there are Lily White people who somehow developed a moral compass and sense of fairness.

Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 10:48     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but, why is anybody responsible for paying off your DH's student loans other than HIM?! It was his debt - his choice. Nice of you to help him but that was your choice to do so.

You need to let go of this resentment. If you can't, you need to find a way to cope at family events. I don't mean this for the benefit of the family members, this is for yourself. You've been harbouring this anger for 20 years now. That can't be healthy.


It's not, it's total toxic crazy town.

And OP if you REALLY need something go and ask them for it.
If you need $$ for DC go and tell them - I need 10k to help pay bills for Larlo. Do they have that? Then ask, see what they say.
If they don't then don't ask.
Just know that it might cause further pain and heartache but if for some reason you need money ask for it. They can give you a 10-12k gift each year (no taxes).
Don't bring up anything from the past, just ask.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 10:37     Subject: Rant re DH's family
I'm sorry but, why is anybody responsible for paying off your DH's student loans other than HIM?! It was his debt - his choice. Nice of you to help him but that was your choice to do so.

You need to let go of this resentment. If you can't, you need to find a way to cope at family events. I don't mean this for the benefit of the family members, this is for yourself. You've been harbouring this anger for 20 years now. That can't be healthy.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 09:56     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.



I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.


My husband and I both took care of college and grad school on our own. I don't get what your problem is. Parents are only obligated to provide for kids until 18. There is no obligation to pay for college.



Honestly, I never understood this. Does your child stop being your child the night of their 18th birthday? Why not educate them and give them a start in life, if you can.


No, your child does not stop being your child, but eventually that child has to be an adult. My view is that parents shouldn't control what their kids decide to study or pursue in college, so it really should be the kids who take on that goal and do the work necessary to follow through on it.

Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 09:50     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get your resentment over paying your own husband's school loans. Who did you expect would pay it? Also, you're saying they _forced_ you to pay it _because_ you're an immigrant? Really??

I get they may not be nice to you, but at least examine whether your bitterness is even rational. Look around, lots and lots of families have struggled under debt from medical bills, school and other things. I You didn't, you had the means. That was a long time ago.

Many people dislike their in-laws, but your problem is your false victimhood


I'm not OP, but I'm a PP. Why should she pay someone else's loans? He's an adult, he can pay them himself, and still manage to contribute the same amount to the household. Grownups do not expect/ accept others paying their debts for them.


One you're married, all your debts are jointly yours, unless you lay out a prenuptial. In any case if he paid them the money still comes from the family pot...hello, how's this not obvious??


Yeah, I wanted to make this point too. Whether he pays off his own loans or she pays them off, it's still money that's not going towards care for their special needs kid or a much needed vacation or whatever. Maybe he should/could have worked harder or whatever to find a higher paying job, but ultimately her just refusing to pay the loan because "it's his" is a bit of a ridiculous suggestion.


I'm really against meds but you need a Zoloft and you need to mix that with a cocktail. Let it go. You are both adults - you are in this country and the way it goes here you are an adult you pay your own debts which means you and DH pay your loans. Doesn't matter what siblings got - forget about it and act like an adult. All of this stewing is going to kill you. Find a stress relieving hobby for gosh sakes.

And no offense but are you Indian? Where are you from?
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 09:46     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 02:17. I'd also like to add that even though the younger siblings may have gotten the parent to pay their college bills, it was done only after the kids threatened to cut off the parent. .... And after the parent was done with kids 2, 3 and 4, how much $ could be left for #1, who was already married?


Yeah, they sound like real saints. And why did the parent need to pay off all of kid #2's tuition and then all of kid #3's tuition and all of kid #4's tuition before cycling back to see if there was something left for kid #1? Why couldn't they see what they had and what they were prepared to contribute and split it? Obviously the parents had no intention of giving to any of the kids, or they would have done it before the threats of cutting contact were made.

Anonymous wrote: And the parent's retirement. ... No parent should be expected to finance kids' education expenses by sacrificing their retirement savings, let alone for for a married child's expenses.


Agreed. And did you miss the part about the other siblings being married too?

Anonymous wrote:
OP's own parents could not pay entirely for her education, yet she somehow thinks a widowed, single parent of 4 should have the money to fully finance 4 college educations. That's hard to do even when you have 2 working parents.


I got the message that the parents in law had money before the death of the one parent. And she doesn't THINK anything. The parent in law did actually pay for 3 college educations. Nowhere did I read any resentment from the OP about her husband not getting his loans FULLY paid for by his parents. It was the unfairness that he had nothing, they had everything. And then everyone thinks that they should just make nice and pretend like it's all fine.

Even if she wasn't struggling with a kid with special needs.


Yeah, this pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject. It isn't the money per se, I can earn money, it's the unfairness of it. There were lots of other things along the way, but I can't really describe specific instances without outing myself.

-OP


There will be other unfairnesses that swing the other way not to worry.
My DH's parents babysat the other grandkids a ton while we had no sitter for years and struggled with a SN child and no sitter for years.
Are we helping out with elder care now? Not a chance!! Stuff works out.
Cheer up - maybe it will be you that gets to pull the plug at the hospital some day.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 09:42     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:I understand that you justifiable resentment has festered and is now spilling over onto innocent people's lives, ie the spouses that married into the family and their children.

What you need to do is talk to a therapist. You really MUST let this go, for your continued good health. A therapist will help you get through it.


Or just go on these things and smile, damnit. It's a lot cheaper than therapy and I don't think therapy would help either - the more you talk and remember these things the madder you're going to get. Can you just think of the inheritance you're going to get instead? What about alcohol - can you have a drink before you go in there and another one in your hand? That can put the brakes on memories. Pop a Zoloft for family reunions?

My mother did similar to me with tuition compared to my brothers and she used to beat us and berate me all the time and I have a good relationship with her now that I have kids. I just had to set firm limits - she has to be pleasant, can't criticize (was hard for her). Now she just comes over to play with the kids or take them out to eat or she takes them clothes shopping.

There was no alcohol involved as this was my mother and if I have to I can tell her off (I did have to). My DH's mother? No way he'd have a fit ( but he also has a fit if I don't set my mother straight).

Now your DH's parents are grandparents to your kids and presumably more settled in life. Try to let it go and just enjoy what they have to offer and forget about the past stupidity.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 08:05     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 02:17. I'd also like to add that even though the younger siblings may have gotten the parent to pay their college bills, it was done only after the kids threatened to cut off the parent. .... And after the parent was done with kids 2, 3 and 4, how much $ could be left for #1, who was already married?


Yeah, they sound like real saints. And why did the parent need to pay off all of kid #2's tuition and then all of kid #3's tuition and all of kid #4's tuition before cycling back to see if there was something left for kid #1? Why couldn't they see what they had and what they were prepared to contribute and split it? Obviously the parents had no intention of giving to any of the kids, or they would have done it before the threats of cutting contact were made.

Anonymous wrote: And the parent's retirement. ... No parent should be expected to finance kids' education expenses by sacrificing their retirement savings, let alone for for a married child's expenses.


Agreed. And did you miss the part about the other siblings being married too?

Anonymous wrote:
OP's own parents could not pay entirely for her education, yet she somehow thinks a widowed, single parent of 4 should have the money to fully finance 4 college educations. That's hard to do even when you have 2 working parents.


I got the message that the parents in law had money before the death of the one parent. And she doesn't THINK anything. The parent in law did actually pay for 3 college educations. Nowhere did I read any resentment from the OP about her husband not getting his loans FULLY paid for by his parents. It was the unfairness that he had nothing, they had everything. And then everyone thinks that they should just make nice and pretend like it's all fine.

Even if she wasn't struggling with a kid with special needs.


Yeah, this pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject. It isn't the money per se, I can earn money, it's the unfairness of it. There were lots of other things along the way, but I can't really describe specific instances without outing myself.

-OP
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 05:43     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get your resentment over paying your own husband's school loans. Who did you expect would pay it? Also, you're saying they _forced_ you to pay it _because_ you're an immigrant? Really??

I get they may not be nice to you, but at least examine whether your bitterness is even rational. Look around, lots and lots of families have struggled under debt from medical bills, school and other things. I You didn't, you had the means. That was a long time ago.

Many people dislike their in-laws, but your problem is your false victimhood


I'm not OP, but I'm a PP. Why should she pay someone else's loans? He's an adult, he can pay them himself, and still manage to contribute the same amount to the household. Grownups do not expect/ accept others paying their debts for them.


One you're married, all your debts are jointly yours, unless you lay out a prenuptial. In any case if he paid them the money still comes from the family pot...hello, how's this not obvious??


Yeah, I wanted to make this point too. Whether he pays off his own loans or she pays them off, it's still money that's not going towards care for their special needs kid or a much needed vacation or whatever. Maybe he should/could have worked harder or whatever to find a higher paying job, but ultimately her just refusing to pay the loan because "it's his" is a bit of a ridiculous suggestion.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 05:38     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:I agree with 02:17. I'd also like to add that even though the younger siblings may have gotten the parent to pay their college bills, it was done only after the kids threatened to cut off the parent. .... And after the parent was done with kids 2, 3 and 4, how much $ could be left for #1, who was already married?


Yeah, they sound like real saints. And why did the parent need to pay off all of kid #2's tuition and then all of kid #3's tuition and all of kid #4's tuition before cycling back to see if there was something left for kid #1? Why couldn't they see what they had and what they were prepared to contribute and split it? Obviously the parents had no intention of giving to any of the kids, or they would have done it before the threats of cutting contact were made.

Anonymous wrote: And the parent's retirement. ... No parent should be expected to finance kids' education expenses by sacrificing their retirement savings, let alone for for a married child's expenses.


Agreed. And did you miss the part about the other siblings being married too?

Anonymous wrote:
OP's own parents could not pay entirely for her education, yet she somehow thinks a widowed, single parent of 4 should have the money to fully finance 4 college educations. That's hard to do even when you have 2 working parents.


I got the message that the parents in law had money before the death of the one parent. And she doesn't THINK anything. The parent in law did actually pay for 3 college educations. Nowhere did I read any resentment from the OP about her husband not getting his loans FULLY paid for by his parents. It was the unfairness that he had nothing, they had everything. And then everyone thinks that they should just make nice and pretend like it's all fine.

Even if she wasn't struggling with a kid with special needs.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 05:27     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get your resentment over paying your own husband's school loans. Who did you expect would pay it? Also, you're saying they _forced_ you to pay it _because_ you're an immigrant? Really??

I get they may not be nice to you, but at least examine whether your bitterness is even rational. Look around, lots and lots of families have struggled under debt from medical bills, school and other things. I You didn't, you had the means. That was a long time ago.

Many people dislike their in-laws, but your problem is your false victimhood


I'm not OP, but I'm a PP. Why should she pay someone else's loans? He's an adult, he can pay them himself, and still manage to contribute the same amount to the household. Grownups do not expect/ accept others paying their debts for them.


One you're married, all your debts are jointly yours, unless you lay out a prenuptial. In any case if he paid them the money still comes from the family pot...hello, how's this not obvious??
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 05:25     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:
Uhh, are you kidding me?
How exactly are "they" AWFUL people??

I understand the OP having resentment towsrd the one parent, but what exactly did his siblings do that was so "awful"??

The siblings never did a single thing to her, besides having their loans paid for, yet she's been taking out her anger & resentment on them, their children & that entire side of the family for the past 20 years, rather than being upset with just the one parent who she feels slighted by.

What exactly did the siblings do wrong that was so awful? She's mad at them because they got their loans paid off & her husband didn't?

How is that his siblings (and now also the siblings small children (who are cousins of her children) fault?

Does that seem rational to you?


Yes, the parents paid for the other siblings college loans, but did you also miss the part where the OP said that at the time it was her husband's turn for college, they had just lost one of her husbands parents & they were also experiencing severe financial hardships? How exactly were they supposed to pay?



The other siblings threatened to cut off contact unless they had their student loans paid. The parents paid them. The parents didn't contribute to the OP's husband's loans. And yes, so one parent died around that time. What does that have to do with financial decisions made years later? They could have distributed whatever money they had fairly among the siblings at the time they were able to do it. The opportunity to contribute towards tuition isn't a bus that comes along for 5 minutes per lifetime and then if it's gone then damn it we missed the bus. They could have done the fair thing when they started handing out cash. ALL of them could have supported a fair distribution of money. They chose not to. I would never have taken money from my parents (by threats or otherwise) with knowledge that my siblings got nothing. And so yeah, that's shit behavior from all of them.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2017 03:34     Subject: Rant re DH's family
Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I don't get all the nasty comments towards the OP. Seems like pretty reasonable feelings that she has. The problem is that she's feeling them towards the wrong person.

Her husband had a messed up family. He knew it, she knew it. They paid for the other siblings' tuition but not for his. It sounds like they were also a bit rough towards her regarding being an immigrant. In any case, OP and her husband decided they didn't want to have people like that in their life, and they moved on.

Except that the husband didn't move on. Fast forward and he's now having regular contact with them and acting like everything is fine. I guess for him it is fine, better than he hoped it would work out. He gets his family of origin, much better than before, he gets his new family, and he gets his loans paid. The loans that he could never pay off himself.

The OP feels betrayed. SHE was the one who was there for him. Not his family of origin. SHE was the one who paid his debts. Not his family of origin. SHE was the one who had children with him, presumably without help of his family of origin. And now she has to suck it all up and act like there was no betrayal from his family of origin and they were super awesome supportive people the whole time.

They are awful people. For the haters in the thread, how would you be responding if the OP had said that she got along well with her family in law until one day when they got out some paper and started writing up a will and splitting up the pie and all the siblings were gonna get a big chunk except her husband, who would get nothing. And then she's supposed to act like it's no big deal. I couldn't do that, even if it was a pretty small cake. But especially not when that cake equals a fairly significant lifestyle standard difference (vacations when there might not otherwise have been any, etc).

Student loans are no joke. It's a LOT of money. Especially when HER family were the ones who ultimately helped pay it all off (either directly or indirectly). The immigrants who were apparently looked down on.

The biggest issue that I see is that the betrayal wasn't from his family. It was from him. You have the right to not see them again, because they seem like pretty nasty people. But don't resent them. Resent your husband for letting them treat you badly and then sticking his head in the sand about it.

And I agree with the other posters that his student loans aren't his parents' responsibility. HE is the one who should have paid them. But it's very shitty for his parents to pay off the other siblings' tuition but not his. And you have an absolute right to not have anything to do with them about it. "Family" isn't a free pass to treat people like shit and get away with it.

-S


What exactly have you been smoking?

Ummm, jump to enormous conclusions much?

Please show me exactly where & when the OP mentioned anything specific & the basis for you to claim "these are awful people".

The fact that this happened TWENTY YEARS AGO (and nothing has happened since this) you think that holding onto a grudge for this long, over something that the OP did VOLUNTARILY is perfectly normal & sane?
She chose to pay it, nobody forced her, nobody put a gun to her head, she's only mad because she can't let go of the regret that she paid it. Nobody took advantage of her that she was an immigrant & do you know how I know this??
Because her husband LET her do it! If she was manipulated or conned into doing it, her husband wouldn't have let it happen, right? BUT HE DID. If she didn't want to pay, she shouldn't have offered & then done it... PERIOD.

She has nobody but herself to blame for paying it & she certainly has NOBODY else to blame for holding onto this stupid grudge for 20 years!

Keep it up, OP... because when you look back on your life one day, you're going to wish you had that time back that you completely wasted, by being angry & miserable over something so stupid.

You've now wasted at least 1/4 of your life on this BS, it's up to you to decide if you want to waste the rest of it too (because you'll never be happy until you make the choice to let this go).