Anonymous wrote:Op, you wrote:

"My wife's job isn't something she loves, but she's good at it and is paid decently and part of the agreement for me to take my job and leave the feds (where we had excellent benefits)."

So you left a job with great benefits.....why? And now your wife is shouldering all the responsibility for benefits while you insist she stays in a crappy job situation which she finds intolerable. SMH.

You also owe it to your family to be looking for a job with better benefits.

Most likely he quit the job with the feds for a private sector position with a higher salary. Makes sense if his wife has good benefits at her job.

Sounds like a midlife crisis. I'm actually wondering if a wake-up call (realizing that she could lose her family) would be more effective than being generous and understanding. (I'm a DW who'd felt this way, though not to such an extent.)

Sounds like a midlife crisis.

And I agree with OP, unfortunately. If she wants a life as a war correspondent, or NGO representative in the Congo, no desk job is going to make her happy. And then she's gone for months on end.

And if I were OP, I wouldn't be happy with any version of this that puts her in danger while we have small children, either (like supervisory position where she travels occasionally to these locations).

My husband is in the military, and owes them a lot of years for school. He rarely deploys, and his job is not really dangerous except in the sense of being in potentially dangerous locations, but every time he does I wish there was some way out. I didn't feel this way before we had kids, but I spend months thinking about how they would cope if we lost him.

I am lucky in that if he could get out, he would. He doesn't like the danger either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hypocrisy of women on this threat is astounding. Seems like they had a deal. If his wife no longer felt that the deal was something she could live with, then they need to renegotiate it. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide not to honor the deal they made. Maybe it was a shitty deal, maybe it wasn't. Either way it's selfish and immature of her to just put her family in jeopardy like that. I'm glad they had a productive discussion and they are working it out. We all make mistakes, and his wife is human. But to blame him for feeling the way he does is just extremely hypocritical.

Signed,

A wife who would never allow my family to go uninsured like this.

Husband can get insurance through his job. Stop being so dramatic.

You realize it's not about the insurance, don't you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hypocrisy of women on this threat is astounding. Seems like they had a deal. If his wife no longer felt that the deal was something she could live with, then they need to renegotiate it. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide not to honor the deal they made. Maybe it was a shitty deal, maybe it wasn't. Either way it's selfish and immature of her to just put her family in jeopardy like that. I'm glad they had a productive discussion and they are working it out. We all make mistakes, and his wife is human. But to blame him for feeling the way he does is just extremely hypocritical.

Signed,

A wife who would never allow my family to go uninsured like this.

Husband can get insurance through his job. Stop being so dramatic.

Depends on whether his employer sees wife quitting as a life event and lets him enroll outside of open enrollment. Otherwise he would have had to pay for cobra with already tight budget.

From healthcare.gov:
"You can still get 2017 health insurance 2 ways:

If you qualify for a Special Enrollment Period *due to a life event like losing other coverage,* getting married, or having a baby.
If you qualify for Medicaid or the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP). You can apply any time."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hypocrisy of women on this threat is astounding. Seems like they had a deal. If his wife no longer felt that the deal was something she could live with, then they need to renegotiate it. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide not to honor the deal they made. Maybe it was a shitty deal, maybe it wasn't. Either way it's selfish and immature of her to just put her family in jeopardy like that. I'm glad they had a productive discussion and they are working it out. We all make mistakes, and his wife is human. But to blame him for feeling the way he does is just extremely hypocritical.

Signed,

A wife who would never allow my family to go uninsured like this.

Husband can get insurance through his job. Stop being so dramatic.

Depends on whether his employer sees wife quitting as a life event and lets him enroll outside of open enrollment. Otherwise he would have had to pay for cobra with already tight budget.

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, she admitted it was wrong to just quit, but she sort of had a breakdown and decided she was wasting her life. She wanted a career that is basically incongruent with our life (working in dangerous developing countries overseas instead of writing boring reports). I get it; I don't love my own job, but we have kids and bills and a life and choices we made. Sort of undoing a lot of things including selling the house, we are kind of screwed. I remember the adventure years. They were fun. We lived and traveled and spent 7 years before kids and our mutual decision to settle in DC and raise a family.

She agreed to withdraw her resignation, I encouraged her to find a new job and she agreed that therapy (which her excellent insurance basically covers for a 5 dollar co-pay) is in order.

I'm less upset, but I just feel like she's so wrapped up in her own resentment and "lost dreams" that she can't see what we do have. I don't know what to do with that.

Honestly it sounds likes a mid-life work crisis. In a way it was harder for me to deal with it than a terrible boss/crazy co-worker. When I had either terrible boss/crazy co-worker, that had nothing to do with my family. In fact, it made me hold tighter to my family. Like see, even a job that was great turned sour when John became the boss ...yup the only thing you can depend on is family - don't want to take this out on my spouse or children. It didn't really have much to do with me other than how I wanted to handle the situation. "Lost dreams" is like death by 1000 paper cuts. In my case I was seeing people without kids that could work crazy hours and weekends not for any particular deadline, move ahead of me. Playing by the rules and playing it safe had me feeling like old reliable. There was this pent up emotion like I knew I was capable of doing more with my career and felt like it was a combination of my lack of confidence/fear and the time to put in long hours that was holding me back. I was disappointed in myself and resentful that I couldn't simply do whatever it took work wise to compete with people that didn't have other obligations. I was fairly close to looking for a new job when a promotion came thru. Even with that my DH had the heads up that my promotion will require long hours during peak times and he supported that. If this hadn't come thru, I was looking at consulting/traveling as being the best way to get me on the management track since it would be easier to move up to managing projects at a consulting company than becoming a manager without that experience at my current company. My kids are in middle school and I'm thinking in 4 or 5 years they are close to moving out the house while at still have another 10-15 years of working. If I didn't make change now, when would I do it? And wouldn't any change be harder 7 years from now when I'm 50?

Good luck. The best advice I can give is for her to find a job that can combine what she is looking to contribute careerwise with being able to spend time with your family. For me, it was getting a promotion so I gain management experience but in a smaller group than I was in before and working for someone that is a great mentor. I've known other people to get an au pair to help with the kids especially if one parent has to travel for his/her job. Oh and it important to network and stay connected. I felt disconnected for 2 years, barely keeping up with close friends much less finding time to keep up with former colleagues, acquaintances, or professional contacts. I realized I should have been making time for those things all along and would have been in a better place when looking to leave. Sure enough, as I started reaching out to old friends this year, someone mentioned a job opportunity with old co-workers. My promotion came thru so I didn't pursue it but I am really putting effort in to keep in better touch and strengthen my network at work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Glad you are not my husband. He would have been fine with me quitting, taking some time off and then applying for something more interesting.

Sounds like OP is fine with it too, as long as it is planned. You dont spring that on someone if you cover the health care. Also, I'm guessing that you're in a financial position where if you quit your job and didn't have another one for a while, it would not make a signficant dent in your abilty to pay mortgae, healthcare, daily life stuff.

I did quit with a quick decision but my husband suggested it. It did make a dent, and my husband ended up getting a higher paying job to make up for the needed difference as he wanted me happier. They can get health insurance through his job. We live within our means in a smaller house than we can afford so it was a non-issue. If you cannot you are overspending.

Anonymous wrote:The hypocrisy of women on this threat is astounding. Seems like they had a deal. If his wife no longer felt that the deal was something she could live with, then they need to renegotiate it. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide not to honor the deal they made. Maybe it was a shitty deal, maybe it wasn't. Either way it's selfish and immature of her to just put her family in jeopardy like that. I'm glad they had a productive discussion and they are working it out. We all make mistakes, and his wife is human. But to blame him for feeling the way he does is just extremely hypocritical.

Signed,

A wife who would never allow my family to go uninsured like this.

Husband can get insurance through his job. Stop being so dramatic.

Anonymous wrote:

Glad you are not my husband. He would have been fine with me quitting, taking some time off and then applying for something more interesting.

Sounds like OP is fine with it too, as long as it is planned. You dont spring that on someone if you cover the health care. Also, I'm guessing that you're in a financial position where if you quit your job and didn't have another one for a while, it would not make a signficant dent in your abilty to pay mortgae, healthcare, daily life stuff.

I did quit with a quick decision but my husband suggested it. It did make a dent, and my husband ended up getting a higher paying job to make up for the needed difference as he wanted me happier. They can get health insurance through his job. We live within our means in a smaller house than we can afford so it was a non-issue. If you cannot you are overspending.

Good conversation! At very least she should start looking now. It's much easier to get another job when you are still employed. Quitting is pretty much the Scarlet Letter equivalent for job seekers; it scares off potential employers. Good luck to both of you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I calmed down a bit and we managed to have a very real conversation. My wife's job isn't something she loves, but she's good at it and is paid decently and part of the agreement for me to take my job and leave the feds (where we had excellent benefits) was that she carry our health insurance through her work. Financially, my wife working put us in the category of stable, we were saving for retirement, kids college, and building savings. Without her job, we can basically cover the expenses but no retirement, no college savings, etc. It's bone tight and possibly worse considering my crappy crappy health plan.

Anyway, she admitted it was wrong to just quit, but she sort of had a breakdown and decided she was wasting her life. She wanted a career that is basically incongruent with our life (working in dangerous developing countries overseas instead of writing boring reports). I get it; I don't love my own job, but we have kids and bills and a life and choices we made. Sort of undoing a lot of things including selling the house, we are kind of screwed. I remember the adventure years. They were fun. We lived and traveled and spent 7 years before kids and our mutual decision to settle in DC and raise a family.

She agreed to withdraw her resignation, I encouraged her to find a new job and she agreed that therapy (which her excellent insurance basically covers for a 5 dollar co-pay) is in order.

I'm less upset, but I just feel like she's so wrapped up in her own resentment and "lost dreams" that she can't see what we do have. I don't know what to do with that.

Jobs aren't fun, that's why they pay you. When you decide to have children you accept that you have to be a boring-ass grown-up for 18-24 years minimum. Maybe the therapy will help, but I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope that a therapist will tell her to grow the f*** up.

The hypocrisy of women on this threat is astounding. Seems like they had a deal. If his wife no longer felt that the deal was something she could live with, then they need to renegotiate it. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide not to honor the deal they made. Maybe it was a shitty deal, maybe it wasn't. Either way it's selfish and immature of her to just put her family in jeopardy like that. I'm glad they had a productive discussion and they are working it out. We all make mistakes, and his wife is human. But to blame him for feeling the way he does is just extremely hypocritical.

Signed,

A wife who would never allow my family to go uninsured like this.

Glad you are not my husband. He would have been fine with me quitting, taking some time off and then applying for something more interesting.

Sounds like OP is fine with it too, as long as it is planned. You dont spring that on someone if you cover the health care. Also, I'm guessing that you're in a financial position where if you quit your job and didn't have another one for a while, it would not make a signficant dent in your abilty to pay mortgae, healthcare, daily life stuff.

OP - would it help if you find a babysitter for the kids for a week or so and you and she go plan an adventure?

I wasn't married when I came back from living overseas and traveling all the time, but I did come back to a situation where I had a lot less freedom (less money and less time) than I did when I was abroad. Sometimes I was ok with it, sometimes it made me despair that I was never going to have another adventure in my whole life. I realize this isn't a sympathetic way to feel - it's awfully privileged even to think that your life should have freedom and adventure - but it's how I felt. When I did jobs that I hated, and there's been a few, it got even worse.

Just having some adventure to look forward to might help, in the short term. Go somewhere exciting for a week. Even a weekend. Just something that makes your wife feel like not everything is going to be some endless routine from now on.

Sounds like you had a wonderfully productive and positive conversation about how to plan for her to find something new, too. That's great.