Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would forward her message to your brother and say, 'It seems like [SIL] is upset. Please understand that sis & I are staying at the hotel to make life easier for both of you - you are already doing so much by having us over for thanksgiving. Sorry for any misunderstandings. Please let me know how we can help out. Look forward to seeing you '

This, except I would send it directly to sil. She's probably under the assumption that you guys will show up when dinner is ready (after enjoying time at the hotel pool) and then leave right when dessert is done and not provide any help. (If this is your plan, then you are rude, but not because you are staying in the hotel).

I would also add in the note that you would be happy to come as early as necessary to help with the meal prep and clean up.

Also, if there are a bunch of kids involved, then there's also a good chance her kids have also been looking forward to having their cousins sleep over, which just adds to the disappointment felt by her family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

Actually, I don't think that is true at all. It's more of an age thing. In my 20's I was up for sleeping on air mattresses, sharing bathrooms, waiting my turn in the kitchen. I was used to living like that - I had recently been living in a dorm and then in a group house after that.

But as a middle aged person, air mattresses and bathroom lines are simply not my thing. If I can afford to do so, I will be happy to stay in a hotel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Oh, enough of this "togetherness" fetish. Togetherness togetherness togetherness! I need some space and privacy for my own well-being.

An invitation to stay at someone's home is just that: an invitation. Not a summons. Some would-be hosts need to understand that when extending invitations, they may be declined. Accept the decision gracefully.

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.