Maybe an evite is a distant way to handle a Thanksgiving invitation for family, or maybe it's a modern way. I'm having a hard time understanding how issuing an invitation in any form is considered rude behavior, though -- I think Miss Manners would be distressed at the thought. Like a poster said on another thread about Thanksgiving, an invitation is not a summons. If you want to go, accept, if you have other plans, politely decline. It's that simple.

DIL and her family may simply have different ways of doing things than OP's. That doesn't make DIL wrong.

If OP has issues with an evite coming her way instead of a phone call, she should take that up with her son. He either is very busy, has trouble discussing things with his mother, or is clueless.

And I agree with 13:52 above.

What DIL did was tacky in many ways. I will give you that. But, what's done is done and now I would encourage you to make the best of the situation. Don't offer to bring anything else! I assume that in offering to bring the china you also asked her if there's anything else you can bring. If she said she'd get back to you, wait until she does. If she doesn't, bring a nice bottle of wine and box of chocolates that she can choose to serve that day or not.

As for your long-time guests, I would still host them, but change the time. They will understand that your family is changing as a result of your son's marriage. Whatever time DIL is having her meal, have your guests during the opposite part of the day. Make it a Thanksgiving brunch (cranberry mimosas, mmm) or an evening Thanksgiving celebration with appetizers and dessert. Let them know right away so they can adjust their schedules if necessary.

What your DIL did is the kind of thing that really irks me, but I've found that with people like her, all you can really do is be the bigger person and make plans that will make you happy, even though they're not your first choice.

After hosting this one, she may need a break in future years, so you'll likely have the chance for your regular celebration again. Or if you want to irk her back, next August send the evite invitation for your Thanksgiving.

Is it passive aggressive? Yikes.

MIL hasn't asked what we're doing for Thanksgiving, but we're having our own. Why does everything need to be coordinated? Is it my fault her son and her don't speak about these things?

Maybe DIL doesn't want to spend Thanksgiving with non-family members. They are OP's friends, not DIL's, and they're not actually family. Sounds like DIL wants to have her own Thanksgiving, and I don't see why it's her duty to carry on your traditions.

Evite is weird for thanksgiving. Maybe go to their house for dinner, then invite your friends to your home for pumpkin pie and drinks in the evening? Just explain to the friends that you've been invited this year and won't be hosting. They will understand.

OP: Even if what your DIL did was passive-aggressive and rude, you only have one good option here. Be gracious. Let her host. Or, do Thanksgiving on your own with friends. But be nice and gracious, without a smidge of snarkiness or resentment in any of your dealing with her. It will be hard (I can tell from the tone of your posts) but you must do it.

Because...

One day you will probably have grandchildren and you'll want to see them a lot. You will need to be on good terms with DIL for that to happen. What you do now will set the tone for YEARS of interactions that have much more at stake than just where you eat turkey. Considering it losing the battle to win the war, if you must, but this is a crucial moment for you. Do. Not. Blow. It.

So glad my family isn't this rigid. We gather together wherever it's convenient, with various people switching to be with their in-laws some years. Everyone brings something. If you have old friends you've always invited for Thanksgiving, you let whoever's hosting know, and bring them along, if it's okay with them. Strays who have no local family are also welcome. Open your hearts and celebrate the spirit of the holiday.

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly does you DIL have to spend every Thanksgiving with you and your friends? What about her own family? What about her starting her own traditions with her husband and children or maybe even her own friends? It's crazy to have one tradition that you have to do every single year.

Things change when your children get married!

No one said the change was the issue. The problem is how it was communicated.

Wow, so much drama over hosting. Must be the control issue.

My in-laws expect us to host every major holiday under their terms, because we have a "big house" I will host all or most summer holidays and events where guests can sit in the deck but there is no way I am hosting everyone's inlaws and friends of friends during winter indoors not unless they want to sit in the garage! Sorry MIL!

Back to the topic, OP no one is putting a gun to your head to accept your DIL invitation. Maybe they just invited as courtesy but would rather do a small Thanksgiving with their friends not your friends.