Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old has a dad who never sees her. And 99% of the time she's absolutely better off without him. Those days I am sure she's feeling loved and safe. My husband has been "daddy" for her since age 2, so she does have a living, stable home. She never asks about him, never mentions his name.

Then there are the two days a year when he feels like she should be a dad and he calls her (her birthday and Christmas). He then promises her he'll start visiting her more, makes plans with her and fills her with hope and ideas. Then when she notices it's all talk and he won't ever follow though, she feels like she's not good enough for him, that she said something wrong or wasn't interesting enough for him to want to come around. He lives 2 hours from us.

I absolutely wish that he wouldn't call. That he wouldn't show up twice a year and break her heart all over again. My husband and I will be here for her each time and help her try to put the pieces back together, but I'm always afraid that each time one more piece gets lost and it becomes more fragile.
My point is, if he knows he won't be there for her consistently and wholeheartedly, he may be doing her a favor by not trying to be a part of her life. He may be doing this because he is a jerk and doesn't really care, but he may just be doing it out of love.

No.

I realize you have to come up with something for your daughter, but this isn't it.

My 8 year old has a dad who never sees her. And 99% of the time she's absolutely better off without him. Those days I am sure she's feeling loved and safe. My husband has been "daddy" for her since age 2, so she does have a living, stable home. She never asks about him, never mentions his name.

Then there are the two days a year when he feels like she should be a dad and he calls her (her birthday and Christmas). He then promises her he'll start visiting her more, makes plans with her and fills her with hope and ideas. Then when she notices it's all talk and he won't ever follow though, she feels like she's not good enough for him, that she said something wrong or wasn't interesting enough for him to want to come around. He lives 2 hours from us.

I absolutely wish that he wouldn't call. That he wouldn't show up twice a year and break her heart all over again. My husband and I will be here for her each time and help her try to put the pieces back together, but I'm always afraid that each time one more piece gets lost and it becomes more fragile.
My point is, if he knows he won't be there for her consistently and wholeheartedly, he may be doing her a favor by not trying to be a part of her life. He may be doing this because he is a jerk and doesn't really care, but he may just be doing it out of love.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I can't believe how many people don't know the meaning of 'deadbeat' dad. If this guy is paying child support, he is not a deadbeat. If his wages are being garnished rather than him voluntarily paying support, you can call him a 'deadbeat'. He is undeniably 'absent'.

Wage garnishing is pretty commonplace now, and is used in all situations so that the courts aren't dealing with nonpayment as much. My ex's wages have been garnished since day one, and he pays for childcare separately (on time, never missed a payment, never late for pick up), and we keep it that way because I hate when our kid sees money change hands.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

+1 My friend's husband has a child from a relationship when he was around 21. He didn't even know about the child for several years, mother moved away, she has her own life there, stepfather fills the dad role, they don't want bio dad involved at all. He respects their boundaries, stays in touch and is there if child (now an adult) wants to connect further but this is the situation mom set up. My friend and her DH have been married 15 years and he's a super-involved dad to their three children.

Good points

Anonymous wrote:I was 26 when I found out a woman I had a one night stand with had had our kid, and she was almost a year old. I moved across the country to be in her city about eight months later. She is a big kid now and I know her friends, her foods, what class she has first period, her favorite musical artist, what she's saving money for, and how she likes to hold my hand when we walk somewhere together. That's stuff I know from sitting with her and listening to her talk on and on. $3500 a month won't tell you those things.

Wife of 18 yo dad back. - Agree with all of the above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My initial take is I felt sorry for the guy. I'd give him a chance.

I agree.

An accidental pregnancy happened to a guy at my office and his girlfriend. She used it to try to get a ring. They just weren't compatible, he paid support and she and her mother kept the daughter. He stayed involved.
Then he got a serious GF, got engaged and successfully went to court for full custody and won it. It was tough on everyone.
Point is, he wasn't going to eve marry the mother of that child. He stayed involved with that child, however she never moved cross country with the kid.

There are so many ways they could have gotten to this point. Have a conversation in that with him. Forget dcum.

I was 26 when I found out a woman I had a one night stand with had had our kid, and she was almost a year old. I moved across the country to be in her city about eight months later. She is a big kid now and I know her friends, her foods, what class she has first period, her favorite musical artist, what she's saving money for, and how she likes to hold my hand when we walk somewhere together. That's stuff I know from sitting with her and listening to her talk on and on. $3500 a month won't tell you those things.

Sure he was young then, but 21 is not like being a 15 yr old teen dad.
He was old enough to step up then.

He's 32 now. Why is he still making excuses to not man up??

And $3,500/mo. is a lot of support.
(He pays more than Chris Brown!!)

He probably thinks paying the high amount off sets his parental duties.

He is irresponsible, immature, inconsiderate and nothing but a deadbeat dad.

Leave him to the bugs and find yourself a real MAN.

You probably need to know more about what he thinks of the ex/baby momma in order to know why he would or would not want to be involved beyond a check. What happened there? Is she crazy? Did they consider marriage? Anything in common then?

I don't know, OP. To me that's NOT evidence of scumbag behavior, but more evidence of not wanting to interfere where he feels he's not wanted, and not understanding what message he's sending to his daughter.

So immature and clueless, yes, but perhaps it's salvageable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex was a witch and would not let him see his kids. She refused to answer the phone when she called. When he'd fly out to visit, she refused visits. When we bought plane tickets she refused to send them. He's a great dad and tried hard.

In your situation, I'd be concerned about having kids with him. If it is on mom, its a bit different if all she wants is support. but if mom actually makes an effort to bring the child to visit every other year, that's a huge red flag.

Your husband should go to court then. But I'm sure you have excuses ...

Yup.

Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex was a witch and would not let him see his kids. She refused to answer the phone when she called. When he'd fly out to visit, she refused visits. When we bought plane tickets she refused to send them. He's a great dad and tried hard.

In your situation, I'd be concerned about having kids with him. If it is on mom, its a bit different if all she wants is support. but if mom actually makes an effort to bring the child to visit every other year, that's a huge red flag.

Your husband should go to court then. But I'm sure you have excuses ...

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I can't believe how many people don't know the meaning of 'deadbeat' dad. If this guy is paying child support, he is not a deadbeat. If his wages are being garnished rather than him voluntarily paying support, you can call him a 'deadbeat'. He is undeniably 'absent'.

He ditched his kid. Do you think the kid will care that he pays? No. She will know that her dad doesn't care enough to be in her life. It will most likely follow her forever and will cause her to have dysfunctional relationships with men.

OP, do you even know if he wants more kids? If he has one but no relationship perhaps he doesn't want others? My husband's father abandoned him as a child. He remarried and new wife never met his kids until the were adults. FIL and new wife never had children yet she can't wait to be a grandmother. It will never happen for her. She has no kids and rarely sees her step children. I feel bad for her sometimes but then remind myself that she knew she was marrying a man who had nothing to do with his children.

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a baby at 18; was with her every step of the way. At the time he didn't have "much" to offer - but time.And that's what he started out with - giving time. As he grew, he contributed financially, early in her childhood needed to take full custody. Ultimately he shouldered the entire financial and parenting challenge. It would have been better to do in partnership with mom, but that wasn't what was possible.

I considered his parenting history early in our dating relationship as a strong testimony of his character.

Thank you for this!

I was getting so upset with OP for excusing her boyfriend because he was 21. This just shows you it's not an age thing with OP's boyfriend.