We've been going through this. My kids are the same age. Honestly it's been really tough on everyone and we have seen each other almost every weekend. But it was tough on me to be sole-parent during the week and try not to be resentful of my spouse. It was really tough on my spouse to not see the family every day. But it's been tough on the kids who are now acting out in ways that I wouldn't have predicted.

We FaceTime every day but honestly sometimes that was tough on me to squeeze in with everything i had to do with the house and the kids. I would suggest trying to alleviate some of that, if possible. Hire a house cleaner, prep meals ahead of time, hire a babysitter once or twice a week to allow the spouse some personal time, and provide emotional support more than anything. Listen to frustrations. You won't be able to fix them from afar but listen.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how a regular job can expect you to relocate for 3 months without frequent opportunities to come home, especially when you have young children. What line of work is this?
I'm saying this as a military spouse. What can be so encompassing that you can't tell them you need to come home every other weekend Friday-Monday?

I can come home on the weekends, but when I'm at a job site in an area where it takes 2 hours to drive to the airport, plus the flight time, and then drive home from either Dulles or Reagan, and the only flight back requires me to leave pretty early on Sunday, it just isn't ideal. I am going to come home at least once and my DH and the kids will come out there a couple of times. It isn't something like Boston or Philly where I can get the late flight home after work on Friday and then the 6 am back Monday morning. And I need to not be prepared and not exhausted come Monday morning. The logistics are not good.

I would make the weekend thing work. Even if all you do is come home and never leave the house from Friday/Saturday to Sunday, I would suck that up and make it happen.

+1. For 3 weeks DH was in a place across the country, with a connecting flight. He came home late Friday night and did a redeye Sunday night to get back. It sucked, but can't imagine him not coming back. Come back every other weekend, take a Friday off a few times and just make it happen. Your work will not be loyal to you, but your family will. Treat your work and family accordingly.

I think many of the negative responses came from OP's unwillingness to travel home on weekend not because it wasn't possible, but because it was inconvenient.

What is shocking to me is how many people assume the response that were negative were sexist. How many of us would be ok with our spouses going off for a three month assignment and telling us that while they are permitted to return to weekend, it just wouldn't be convenient, so just carry on without them? Personally, I would vehemently object to my dh doing such an assignment just as I would object to doing it myself.

My guess is this is only the first of several such assignments for OP.

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Anonymous wrote:Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

Not really. Have you heard of the military?

She is not in the military. She is money hungry.

OP here. Could you quit it with the "money hungry" business? I am not doing this for a big payout - I'm doing it because it's something I've worked hard on for a long time, something I have committed to, and something that, yes, I believe will make the world a better place, at least in a small, concrete way I can accomplish. It's true that it is also my job, which pays our family's bills. But providing financial security and modeling hard work, initiative, commitment and sacrifice are all part of what I think it takes to be a good mother. Stop trying to demonize my choice just because it is different than what you would choose.

On to more positive things:

I have gotten a ton of great suggestions here, have already talked with my husband about implementing some of them, and have started preparing for the things I can do both before and after I leave to make this easier for my family. DCUM really came through for me on this. Thank you wholeheartedly to the people who used to thread to help lift another woman and family up rather than tear us down!

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Anonymous wrote:Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

Not really. Have you heard of the military?

She is not in the military. She is money hungry.

This thread has really brought out the worst in DCUM. OP, you'll be fine. Your kids will be fine. My dad traveled for several months at a time when I was a kid, then my mom did as well when I was in middle school. At one point they were BOTH gone for three weeks and had a relative stay with us (gasp). No lasting damage, and I have great relationships with both of them (probably better than most of the nasty PPs have with their parents!).

Anyway, my only advice is similar to others. Call as often as practical. Send letters or postcards, kids do love getting mail. If Dad can bring them to see you, that'll be really exciting for them. I do like the idea of leaving something of yours for them to take care of, my mom did that once with her favorite necklace and it made me feel really special. I pulled it out and tried it on at least a couple times a week.

Have some way for them to count down the time, because the younger ones really won't have much concept of time. A weekly special event (dinner out, ice cream, Skype call, etc), tell them ahead how many times it'll happen and count them down. Of course this only really works if you know exactly when it'll end.

Mail postcards to the kids. Kids get a big thrill out of getting mail.

Maybe she is doing life saving work. Maybe she is making the world a better place. Maybe she is going to come up with a cancer vaccine.

But fuck it. Let her stay home and change diapers because...well, her kids need her to wipe noses.

It will be hard on you, your kids, and husband. Skype daily or call. Plan little gifts and surprises for them. Have fun activities planned to pass the time - water park, zoo, theme park, etc. Count down the days - they can mark off a calendar, or open a small surprise each day, or make a big chain where they can remove a link each day to show them how how soon until mommy gets home.

My DH is deploying next year for around 9 months, and will not come home during that time. My kids will be 2 and 5. I am not looking forward to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical Rabenmutter.

Actually, idealizing/romanticizing motherhood and expecting women to sacrifice it all for the kinder was a big part of Hitler's politics.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/06/28/in_germany_admitting_maternal_ambivalence_is_still_a_really_big_deal.html

This is why I love DCUM, for this kind of response.

We are one of the many State Department families that have done this (war zone assignments). It's no big deal, and it won't traumatize your children. We've done it twice and are getting ready for a third time (year-long commitments).

One thing you might consider is hiring some periodic help (weekly or bi-weekly babysitter or house cleaner) for the time you are gone. That will give your DH some time off from all the responsibilities and maybe free from worry about a messy house.

Make use of the Wegman's in Sterling (if you are in VA). They have in-house babysitting while you shop fr kids ages 3 and up. It was the only way I could go to the grocery store in relative peace.

Don't call when they are running out the door (i.e. to school or daycare). It is a hectic time for everyone. Call closer to bedtime (or defer to your hubby as to the best time to call).

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Anonymous wrote:Many thanks to the PPs who took the time to write supportive responses. Bedtime tonight was the usual wrangle, but as I got them to wind down I had that sinking feeling as I thought about how much I'm going to miss them. But yes, I am doing this for them even more than for myself.

lol keep telling yourself that.
How so?

Well, let's see. If I don't go, I will be fired and will never work in this industry again as I will burn every bridge I've built over a decade. Without my salary, we won't be able to pay our mortgage. Those seem like important reasons to me. I understand that you disagree, but it isn't your life or family. I am doing what I think is best and I'm not questioning my decision.

Can I ask you honestly:
Do you really think they would fire you?
Aren't you being dramatic about never working in the industry because you chose not to leave your kids for three months?
I can't imagine a workplace would fire someone.
Couldn't you find another job?

You seem naive. Do you work?

Yes I do work.

Probably for the Feds.

Nope, wrong.
Healthcare.

You're in health care and you "can't imagine a workplace would fire someone"? Helps explain why health care in this country is so craptastic.

No they wouldn't fire anyone in my line of work for not travelling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:53, thank you so much for these great suggestions. I am planning to take the kids to Build-A-Bear so we can each create the same/similar bear to keep with us. I will definitely get the books you suggested and I like the idea of sending mail to open every day. They LOVE getting mail.

I'm used to the pudginess of DCUM but still a little surprised with the responses acting like this is so unusual. No one would bat an eyelash if I were a man, right?

My DH refused a job that involved a lot of travel and a lot more money. No way in HELL would my husband do what you are doing.

The 2yr old won't even know you when you return. Your children will be bonded much stronger to your DH. These are critical years. More important than you know.

She's not leaving for 3 years it is only 3 months. Yes it is extended, but as with most things, it depends on how her and her husband handle the situation that will determine how her kids adapt.

Anonymous wrote:Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

Not really. Have you heard of the military?

Last PP, sorry OP as I didn't give you any practical tips before as I was so irate at the earlier responders. Again, this is not a big deal and a nice opportunity for you kids to spend time with their dad and see you in a powerful role. We are an international family and have had a few times were we either had a parent away for a time and/or had to make a big move. I consulted with a child phycologist focused on such transitions and here are two tips that have worked well for my family:
-have a calendar (you can print something online) which notes the time of the reunion as well as fun things that will happen before and after the reunion. This has been very helpful for my children as they seem to have a hard time judging sense of time. For me, it has worked well to have calendars one month at a time and let the kids check of every day and talk about what is coming up.
-buy multiples of a little stuffed animal, one for you and one for each child, and tell them that this is what you can cuddle when you are missing mommy, and mommy will also hold this stuffy when she is missing you. you can also show your stuffies when you talk on skype or wherever.

This is hardly a crisis; families face much more all the time. good for you in taking this step which will be positive for your family despite any short term challenges.