Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

Well then you're still responding out of context and are a jerk.

Is SAH a choice for the vast majority, or not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me feel glad that dh and I have been on board with each other. The resentment that builds and builds when you are not on the same page is...unhealthy. Sorry. Not sure what other word to use for it.

A marriage is a partnership. No spouse should be calling all the shots and just quitting their job to SAH w/o the other spouse on board. No spouse should agree to have their spouse SAH and then start seething with resentment when, after years of shouldering most of the childcare, the at home spouse has an easier time at home and is less employable (Duh, what did you think was going to happen? Sorry). Ideally - that is how it is supposed to be when the kids get older.

As far as going back to work goes. Options are limited after a certain number of years away from the workforce. They just are. You have to decide the pros/cons of the SAH spouse going back to work. Is the pay off worth the price?
Are you talking about job retraining (going back to school), taking a minimum wage job, taking on the risk of opening a business of your own? Weigh the risks/benefits of each choice and go from there.

+1 Regardless of arrangement, you need to be on the same page and supportive of each other. I've been a SAHM -- something both DH and I wanted -- and a WAHM now -- again something we both wanted. We talked a lot about how we wanted to structure our family and our work over the long term. I took steps to work freelance to stay connected with my career while I was a SAHM and as a result found my return to work easy. DH liked my being home as a SAHM and found the adjustment to needing to do more at home a bit challenging but definitely appreciates the extra income now. Recently the balance has shifted even more as he's mostly WAH and we have kids in MS so he's handling the after school stuff with them. Life is long, things change, both partners need to be flexible.

I've always been open to going back to work. But I've also known that past a certain amount of years that I would be starting from the ground floor and working back up. I like work, I don't mind digging in and starting over. If it starts to make sense for me to do that I will. Right now it still makes more sense for me to SAH. But it is good to have the option of going back to work now that the kids are older. Options are good to have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

Well then you're still responding out of context and are a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

Not sure who you were responding to. But unless you are rich a little extra income can really come in handy. No kidding. But there are times when it makes more sense to cut back and make do on one income. Either way - the spouses should both be on board. IF they aren't there is going to be trouble whether one spouse SAH or not. And if you have a problem with a spouse SAH and you don't voice that problem until the spouse has been home for 10+ years...that is on you.

I feel for you, OP. Have you tried counseling? Can you talk with your DW about your feelings? Has she tried counseling?

The women who view their DHs as nothing more than walking ATMs are awful. I don't care how much you make, if your partner views you that way, it would suck.

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me feel glad that dh and I have been on board with each other. The resentment that builds and builds when you are not on the same page is...unhealthy. Sorry. Not sure what other word to use for it.

A marriage is a partnership. No spouse should be calling all the shots and just quitting their job to SAH w/o the other spouse on board. No spouse should agree to have their spouse SAH and then start seething with resentment when, after years of shouldering most of the childcare, the at home spouse has an easier time at home and is less employable (Duh, what did you think was going to happen? Sorry). Ideally - that is how it is supposed to be when the kids get older.

As far as going back to work goes. Options are limited after a certain number of years away from the workforce. They just are. You have to decide the pros/cons of the SAH spouse going back to work. Is the pay off worth the price?
Are you talking about job retraining (going back to school), taking a minimum wage job, taking on the risk of opening a business of your own? Weigh the risks/benefits of each choice and go from there.

+1 Regardless of arrangement, you need to be on the same page and supportive of each other. I've been a SAHM -- something both DH and I wanted -- and a WAHM now -- again something we both wanted. We talked a lot about how we wanted to structure our family and our work over the long term. I took steps to work freelance to stay connected with my career while I was a SAHM and as a result found my return to work easy. DH liked my being home as a SAHM and found the adjustment to needing to do more at home a bit challenging but definitely appreciates the extra income now. Recently the balance has shifted even more as he's mostly WAH and we have kids in MS so he's handling the after school stuff with them. Life is long, things change, both partners need to be flexible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

That's the crux. Usually both spouse work because both income is required. However, the SAHM bashing is always started by those WOHMs who are married to low earning DHs. When women are married to high earners and when they do not have to work to pay the bills, usually, they are not resentful of other people's choices. Such women want to work because their work is challenging and fulfilling to them. When you are working just for the paycheck, then the resentment starts for other women who are on the "gravy train".

LOL. How do you know this, exactly?

I am one of the SAHM PP's. I just want to be clear that I do not think that women should unilaterally decide to SAH against the express wishes of their spouse, or say they will eventually go back to work when they have no plans to do so.

I think deceit and/or lack of compromise are big problems in any marriage.

As much as I wanted (and still want) to SAH, I wouldn't be comfortably doing it if it made my DH resentful. I am grateful that my DH is very supportive (and would be if I wanted to work too). I will say that we discussed this at length fairly early on in our dating relationship and were both immediately in agreement - so it wasn't like it was sprung on either of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

I returned to my previous career after 3 years out, on a reduced schedule but in a demanding field. Husband now resents that he sometimes has to be home in the evenings, that he sometimes has to know what the hell is going on at school, that he sometimes has to call contractors himself (but expects I will still stay home that day and supervise) etc etc etc

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

That's the crux. Usually both spouse work because both income is required. However, the SAHM bashing is always started by those WOHMs who are married to low earning DHs. When women are married to high earners and when they do not have to work to pay the bills, usually, they are not resentful of other people's choices. Such women want to work because their work is challenging and fulfilling to them. When you are working just for the paycheck, then the resentment starts for other women who are on the "gravy train".

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

Apparently typing correctly is also not a skill required by WOHMs with low-earning DHs!

Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

Reading this thread makes me feel glad that dh and I have been on board with each other. The resentment that builds and builds when you are not on the same page is...unhealthy. Sorry. Not sure what other word to use for it.

A marriage is a partnership. No spouse should be calling all the shots and just quitting their job to SAH w/o the other spouse on board. No spouse should agree to have their spouse SAH and then start seething with resentment when, after years of shouldering most of the childcare, the at home spouse has an easier time at home and is less employable (Duh, what did you think was going to happen? Sorry). Ideally - that is how it is supposed to be when the kids get older.

As far as going back to work goes. Options are limited after a certain number of years away from the workforce. They just are. You have to decide the pros/cons of the SAH spouse going back to work. Is the pay off worth the price?
Are you talking about job retraining (going back to school), taking a minimum wage job, taking on the risk of opening a business of your own? Weigh the risks/benefits of each choice and go from there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm