Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the sister doesn't have a job, is being supported by her boyfriend....maybe it's just as well that she has disentangled from the Op?

It sounds as though the parents and Op made some sort of bargain with this sister when she was too young to really understand what the agreement entailed and what exactly was being asked of her. Did she know what her parents and older sister expected of her? Was it ever laid out for her what they expected? I'm getting the sense hear that sister may have had a few things "sprung" on her too and she's not liken it too much..

It looks like the younger sister was maybe 18-19 when the deal was made. I think she understood what was expected but if didn't quite get what that would look like in reality. Now she is no more interested in being a part of that deal which everyone can understand but at the same time her parents sacrificed the wellbeing of their other children to make sis' American adventure possible.

The parents made a mistake then. You don't make this kind of deal with a teenage kid who has so very little in the way of life experience that she has no clue what she was even agreeing to.

That's the sort of thing you do to someone that YOU want to control.

Anonymous wrote:If the sister doesn't have a job, is being supported by her boyfriend....maybe it's just as well that she has disentangled from the Op?

It sounds as though the parents and Op made some sort of bargain with this sister when she was too young to really understand what the agreement entailed and what exactly was being asked of her. Did she know what her parents and older sister expected of her? Was it ever laid out for her what they expected? I'm getting the sense hear that sister may have had a few things "sprung" on her too and she's not liken it too much..

It looks like the younger sister was maybe 18-19 when the deal was made. I think she understood what was expected but if didn't quite get what that would look like in reality. Now she is no more interested in being a part of that deal which everyone can understand but at the same time her parents sacrificed the wellbeing of their other children to make sis' American adventure possible.

If the sister doesn't have a job, is being supported by her boyfriend....maybe it's just as well that she has disentangled from the Op?

It sounds as though the parents and Op made some sort of bargain with this sister when she was too young to really understand what the agreement entailed and what exactly was being asked of her. Did she know what her parents and older sister expected of her? Was it ever laid out for her what they expected? I'm getting the sense hear that sister may have had a few things "sprung" on her too and she's not liken it too much..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your sister start cutting you off? Years ago, or did this start when she started dating this rich white guy?

She was always cold and unfriendly since we started living together 5 years ago. She cut me off after I expressed hesitance at accepting her new relationship a year ago. There was no communication, she gave me no prior indication that she was interested in dating at this time or that she was in talks with someone. She just sprang it on me and I took it badly. Since then she has changed completely and has now cut me off.

We use one car and are on a family phone plan. She has removed my name from the car and is trying to get her own phone plan.

Ok, so this is deeper than just a new guy. I just wrote that huge post about getting along, but I see that my post will be useless. Since your bad reaction, have you tried telling her you are sorry about how you reacted? How could she remove your name from the car? Phone plan she can get, but for somebody who is so detached from her native culture she sure seems to be ok with being supported by a guy who is just a boyfriend.

OP's sister is not detached from her culture at all. Both sisters are very materialistic and love the idea of being taken care of by a man (the older sister however did not catch such a man). The younger sister is merely detached from her old family (from which she benefited but apparently is not up to holding her end of the bargain) and focused on what she hope is her new family (the boyfriend and his family). Her sister is far from some trailblazing independent mind that some peoe here are assuming.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your sister start cutting you off? Years ago, or did this start when she started dating this rich white guy?

She was always cold and unfriendly since we started living together 5 years ago. She cut me off after I expressed hesitance at accepting her new relationship a year ago. There was no communication, she gave me no prior indication that she was interested in dating at this time or that she was in talks with someone. She just sprang it on me and I took it badly. Since then she has changed completely and has now cut me off.

We use one car and are on a family phone plan. She has removed my name from the car and is trying to get her own phone plan.

Ok, so this is deeper than just a new guy. I just wrote that huge post about getting along, but I see that my post will be useless. Since your bad reaction, have you tried telling her you are sorry about how you reacted? How could she remove your name from the car? Phone plan she can get, but for somebody who is so detached from her native culture she sure seems to be ok with being supported by a guy who is just a boyfriend.

The financial and education situation sounds familiar to what many Arab families are doing. In some situations parents pay, in some, government will pay. Often older siblings will take care of younger siblings, who are in high school, while parents are back home or working in another country. While OP does sound critical, it also sounds like she is trying to protect her sister from their parents who might be really mad about her choices. I am not saying they have the right to be mad, but they are not US parents and in many countries, no matter the age of the child, parent's word is the law. OP is acting like the person who lives here but still follows the rules of her native country. Her sister has become disillusioned with her family, country and customs, and has become "entitled" American, who is now looking out for every wrong ever done to her, which is considered regular behavior in her native country. I can sympathize with both. Older sister was piled up ton of responsibility on by her parents and couldn't relax and just enjoy being here, studying and she probably has different personality. Apart from being critical, she seems to have, in fact, protected her younger sister and her "new ways." If younger sister didn't become full fledged American Millennial, she would have snapped back that she'll eat what she wants, older sister would have said something whatever and this would be normal exchange without any other consequences. Younger sister seems to have a whole new set of friends who are teaching her how "abusive" her sister and family are because they are to them, but they are acting just like people from their country act. All in all, it would be ideal if both sisters were able to accept that living here and becoming American doesn't have to mean completely rejecting one way or the other, you should take the best from both worlds. We can all be more respectful to elderly, less bossy and critical of the young, we can all love a salad and a steak, but still enjoy baklava. If older sister was to write an e-mail saying that she will give her sister space and wishes her all the best in her choices, that she is sorry if she comes out bossy, that she will try to change and be more of a sister and less of a critic and if younger sister could write to older sister that she does know that her older sister loves her and has done so much for her in this country and that she will try to accept both cultures the best she can, I think peace would eventually come, when they both treat each others as adults and equals.

Anonymous wrote:OP for god's sake leave your sister alone and just get a cat.

Actually no, I take that back. Get a talking parrot so you can hear yourself and how you sound.

OP for god's sake leave your sister alone and just get a cat.

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your sister start cutting you off? Years ago, or did this start when she started dating this rich white guy?

She was always cold and unfriendly since we started living together 5 years ago. She cut me off after I expressed hesitance at accepting her new relationship a year ago. There was no communication, she gave me no prior indication that she was interested in dating at this time or that she was in talks with someone. She just sprang it on me and I took it badly. Since then she has changed completely and has now cut me off.

We use one car and are on a family phone plan. She has removed my name from the car and is trying to get her own phone plan.

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Anonymous wrote:So OP, leave her alone and let her deal with her own mess. She is not part of your (or your family's) "family goals" anymore. It sounds like she is choosing her boyfriend's family instead, and there is nothing you can do about it. She's found a rich white boyfriend and is apparently trying to make it work and cut everyone else off. Her choice, not yours. Don't keep forgiving her behavior, just walk away and move on. If she wants you in her life, she will contact you.

Go pursue your own career, your own family, your own social life that has nothing to do with your sister.

I am finally realizing that I should cut her off the way she has cut me off and doing so won't mean I am not a bad person. I have hesitated to completely cut off contact and try to reach out to her only because as her family it feels wrong to abandon my little sister when we are all alone in a foreign land. I was able to get her to see me three times so far, and each time she has hurled a myriad of insults on me accusing me of being the cause of every ill wind that has come her way. I am sick of being made to feel like a monster for not immediately jumping for joy at the news of her new relationship; for cautioning her to be more ambitious; for reminding her to not worry so much about superficial things such as minor pimples. I am NOT a monster. I was trying to do the right thing and as her older sister try to gently nudge her in a more productive direction.

I think I will walk away now and leave her be with her mess of a life.

OP, honest question. What do you have in your life that gives you joy? What do you hunger for (besides the ability to boss around your sister). Do you have friends or a partner? I'm not entirely convinced that you are also the OP who is married to a white guy and criticizing your sister for dating a white guy under the guise of disappointing your parents' expectations. You sound very lonely.

Agreed. OP you need to find some hobbies and interests that occupy your mind. Meddling with your sister and trying to foster a relationship with her that she clearly does not with you, is unhealthy (for the both of you).

You do sound lonely and very bored, if not a tad deeply jealous.

I'm curious about what the appropriate reaction to what my sister has put me through is supposed to me?

Jealous of what? I do marvel at her tremendous good luck in landing herself a rich American husband. From what I know that is a struggle even for my American friends. But outside of that, no.

I don't know why I keep taking your bait but what exactly has your sister done to you other than want a life where she sets her own goals, defines her own happiness and establishes boundaries for her own mental health? She doesn't want the life you and your parents want her to have. She isn't committing a crime - even with a messy visa situation. Nor is she actively interfering in your choices. Your only pain comes from not accepting her choice and thereby pushing her out of your life.

OP's sister has completely cut off OP from her life. those were two sisters who lived for some number of years together and apart from the rest of the family.

now that's her prerogative but let's not pretend OP's is in pain for no reason whatsoever.

Read OP's other threads. Her sister cutting her off is solely a consequence of OP's abuse, criticism and attempts to control her younger sister's life.

no, i read all the other threads. OP's sins were minor and definitively not worthy of cutting her off. she is cutting her off because she can - her life is centered around her boyfriend and other friends. she likely was never as attached to OP as OP was to her and now that she doesn't need her it's easy to cut her off for what are minor transgressions.

i say this as a younger sister.

Op comes at her sister with weird demands. What grown person has their car insurance and cell phone tied up with their grown sibling's car insurance and cell phone? Since Op is the one complaining about this set up ending I am going to guess that Op was seeing some sort of benefit to this situation that the sister wasn't. It was an odd entanglement and the sister simply put an end to it.

Don't get me wrong, if Op and her sister had actually agreed to this together that would be one thing. But it sounds like something that the parents started when the sisters were younger (college age maybe?) and the Op wanted to see it continued into independent adulthood. Sister didn't want that and that should be good enough,

It's this sort of thing that gives me the impression that Op wants to call the shots and is not happy when her sister doesn't jump. Op's sister is sick of the manipulation and being TOLD rather then asked. I can't blame her for distancing herself.

Here is the thing: it seems that the parents have invested a disproportionate amount of money into OPs sister under condition that they will basically repay it through financing education of their siblings, sponsoring their green cards etc. I absolutely do get that one wants independence and can change mind after agreeing to a deal. But she should kind of repay the money to her family (and of course not take any more, that goes without saying).

The parents put a great deal of money into Op's sister under the condition that once she began working she would finance the education of her younger(?) siblings?

I somehow missed this detail. But, yes, IF Op's sister accepted a large chunk of financial assistance from her parents under the condition that she would pay that money back by helping out her siblings....then she should honor her agreement and help out her siblings.

But Op (who is the older sister) is talking about being miffed about her sister taking herself off a joint cell phone plan and car insurance policy. So it sounds like Op basically feels as though she has the right to control how sister spends her paycheck.

the sister does not have a paycheck. the money in question comes from their parents and they have entrusted OP (with the agreement of her sister, though she was probably a teenager then) to organize this arrangement where they would buy a house together in the states which serves as a beachhead for the rest of the family and they also finance education of younger sibling(s). yeah it's all weird, but it's not like it's so puzzling that the rest of the family (OP and parents) are upset with the younger sister's behavior.

OP, when did your sister start cutting you off? Years ago, or did this start when she started dating this rich white guy?

^it sounds as though *Op* is the one with all of the expectations and demands.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But that's not on OP. That is on the parents to deal with, or not, as they and not anyone else, sees fit. OP should not be foisted into the role of surrogate parent, which partly what I think has happened. Little sister is rebelling.

I think that role for OP was a part of the packsage. in any case I agree completely that OP needs to let go of her sister.

PP, and I agree. Unfortunately, it's gone too far now as it's damaged OP and her sister's sibling relationship. OP needs to let go and let their parents deal with the sister's issues now (or not), and she needs to just focus on her own life. I think eventually the sister will miss her family and come around, but it may be a long wait.

Op has entangled herself in all of this up to ears. It doesn't sounds as though Op is the one with the expectations and demands....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But that's not on OP. That is on the parents to deal with, or not, as they and not anyone else, sees fit. OP should not be foisted into the role of surrogate parent, which partly what I think has happened. Little sister is rebelling.

I think that role for OP was a part of the packsage. in any case I agree completely that OP needs to let go of her sister.

PP, and I agree. Unfortunately, it's gone too far now as it's damaged OP and her sister's sibling relationship. OP needs to let go and let their parents deal with the sister's issues now (or not), and she needs to just focus on her own life. I think eventually the sister will miss her family and come around, but it may be a long wait.

PP here - I agree.