Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

I can only speculate, but you sound very self-conscious and anxious, and also kind of paranoid about your neighborhood. The addition probably did tick your next door neighbor off, but not because she's jealous - the construction was probably very annoying and maybe now blocks her sun or view. Just because the HOA approved it doesn't mean it doesn't negatively affect her, her home, or her property values. And you seem very sure that everyone is jealous of you for your age, your money, your house, your addition, your upgrades, your SAHM status, your everything. And you seem to think everyone is hurting you on purpose, but I doubt that's the case. More likely than not you're broadcasting some of this attitude to your neighbors. I think these are your issues. The beach house is irrelevant to all of these things, and will only give you one more reason to think everyone is jealous of you, but you seem to want one, so go for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

OP here. We're in a 4500 sq. ft. house now and it feels too small at times. 3000 sq. ft. would be our absolute minimum. I think we're going to start looking at other neighborhoods in NoVA just to get a sense of what's out there. I'm not that interested in Arlington, but Vienna might work. My husband's objections to moving are the following:

1) It's a huge hassle to pack up a house and move, especially with young kids when we have no family/childcare help and I work 70 hour weeks and have no free time
2) What if our new neighbors are just as nasty to us when we go through all the hassle of moving--you never know.
3) What if our current neighborhood becomes more family friendly in a few years (currently mainly retirees). Maybe the retirees will move and families will come in.
4) What if despite being a friendly neighborhood with tons of activities no one in our new neighborhood wants to be friends with us?
5) We'd lose about 100K because we over-improved for the neighborhood, and would have to sell at a loss, and quality of life isn't worth the financial loss.

Every time we talk about this issue my husband always says it's too much of a risk for us to move. He suggests I find my community outside the neighborhood--which I've been trying to do for years. I've had a little success making friends--I've made several really good mom friends, however they all work full-time and aren't available to get together much. I've made no SAHM friends despite going to tons of classes all the time (gym class, music class, swim class, etc.) I've joined mom groups, I go to Mommy and Me classes, and I've invited people to meet up for playdates. With SAHMs, I find them to be very picky overall about who they spend time with, and all the rejections I've received for inviting people to do things have been from SAHMs. What would make all the difference for me is to have one local SAHM friend who I could get together with once or twice a week--that would make me feel so much less lonely and so much happier. I haven't been able to make a SAHM friend though. Maybe next year when my oldest is in preschool. I chose the most social preschool I could find, but I think many of the parents work full-time (it's a part-time preschool but they have nannies).

My husband also says, "it's us--no one wants to be friends with us no matter where we live or where we work." Sadly, I think there's a lot of truth to his statement. I've been seeing a therapist to try to work on this issue which has been helpful, but even putting into practice the changes we've talked about hasn't made a difference.

I still dream about having a beach house, and still think it's the best compromise for us.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you need to tslk to a therapist. I have posted mutiple times in this thread with helpful advice, but as a other poster said, you keep eesponding with an "I can't do that" attitude and finding fault with everyone and everything. You really think your neighbors are stalking you and are jealous of you? I guaranty they do not give you 1% of the thought that you apparently give them. If your house is that great and you and spouse "must" live in something that size, then stop worrying about your neighbors and start focusing on finding happy outlets in your life. Most people would be thrilled to have what you have - stop whining and start living.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Unfortunately moving isn't necessarily going to ensure you won't face the same problems again. I'm a little hesitant to believe your neighbors care you were young when you bought your place. No offense but your purchase isn't that impressive and is fairly standard. If anything people are happy when someone buys an expensive or overpriced home on their block.

Fwiw our neighbors are assholes as well. I just assume they are strange people. We haven't done anything wrong and try to be friendly. We've lived in other cities and never faced these issues so we assume it isn't us and is just their demeanor.

As for the loud music playing....you really think someone is intentionally cranking up music because you bought a one million dollar home when you were 30? This tells me you're somewhat if not entirely delusional. I doubt your neighbors revolve their life around you as much as you think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

OP here. We're in a 4500 sq. ft. house now and it feels too small at times. 3000 sq. ft. would be our absolute minimum. I think we're going to start looking at other neighborhoods in NoVA just to get a sense of what's out there. I'm not that interested in Arlington, but Vienna might work. My husband's objections to moving are the following:

1) It's a huge hassle to pack up a house and move, especially with young kids when we have no family/childcare help and I work 70 hour weeks and have no free time
2) What if our new neighbors are just as nasty to us when we go through all the hassle of moving--you never know.
3) What if our current neighborhood becomes more family friendly in a few years (currently mainly retirees). Maybe the retirees will move and families will come in.
4) What if despite being a friendly neighborhood with tons of activities no one in our new neighborhood wants to be friends with us?
5) We'd lose about 100K because we over-improved for the neighborhood, and would have to sell at a loss, and quality of life isn't worth the financial loss.

Every time we talk about this issue my husband always says it's too much of a risk for us to move. He suggests I find my community outside the neighborhood--which I've been trying to do for years. I've had a little success making friends--I've made several really good mom friends, however they all work full-time and aren't available to get together much. I've made no SAHM friends despite going to tons of classes all the time (gym class, music class, swim class, etc.) I've joined mom groups, I go to Mommy and Me classes, and I've invited people to meet up for playdates. With SAHMs, I find them to be very picky overall about who they spend time with, and all the rejections I've received for inviting people to do things have been from SAHMs. What would make all the difference for me is to have one local SAHM friend who I could get together with once or twice a week--that would make me feel so much less lonely and so much happier. I haven't been able to make a SAHM friend though. Maybe next year when my oldest is in preschool. I chose the most social preschool I could find, but I think many of the parents work full-time (it's a part-time preschool but they have nannies).

My husband also says, "it's us--no one wants to be friends with us no matter where we live or where we work." Sadly, I think there's a lot of truth to his statement. I've been seeing a therapist to try to work on this issue which has been helpful, but even putting into practice the changes we've talked about hasn't made a difference.

I still dream about having a beach house, and still think it's the best compromise for us.