Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 09:34     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
OP please don't listen to the Men's rights jerks on this thread - if you actually like this girl.
Don't ASSUME. Talk to her. Tell her what you want. Get what you want or walk away. But not to even try to talk about it? That is cowardly.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 09:26     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:Maybe they haven't had the exclusive talk, but they are having sex and meeting each other's friends and families.
And this woman wasn't just on a date, she was cuddling with this other guy in a booth. If I'm on a date and we haven't fooled around yet or are pretty newly dating, I'm not going to be next to him, cuddled up during the meal. So she's juggling the two guys.

It's understandable that OP thought they he and his GF were more serious than they actually were. He truly felt the relationship was developing into something special. It's nobody's fault.

I understand why you're hurt, OP. And I hope you guys can communicate about what you need and work it out.


I was strung along by a man and I had met all his friends and family. I spent the night at his child hood home a few times, and his parents told me I was the only girl he's brought home since he was in college. Hr also had told me hd loved me. I thought he was serious about me but when I talked to him he gave me some bullshit excuse. And complained about me pressuring him.

So no - as a girl you can't assume a relationship until you have the talk and it's also not a great idea to be the one to bring it up.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 07:29     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe it's an age thing. I am 34 and she is 27. Most nowadays don't have the exclusivity talk. It just progress and it's like an unspoken silence that we don't want to see others. I guess I thought that was what was happening here. We see each other 2-3 times week. I have had 14 dates with her in 2.5 months ( yes I kept count!). She has met my family and I have met hers. We have double dated with friends and everything. I was pretty confident we were exclusive. Seeing her with another man tore me up. I guess maybe she doesn't realize we are exclusive, or she doesn't feel the same as I do. I plan to call her tomorrow night.


Not true! Most women I know have been strung along too many times by guys who don't want to be exclusive. Until we have an actual talk about it, we assume you're dating other people (or at least are open to it). If you want to be exclusive, you need to talk about it. Chances are, she isn't sleeping with other people, but she's exploring some options. I have one friend who thinks she's in an exclusive relationship as soon as she's slept with a guy. She gets burned over and over, and everyone keeps telling her she should stop assuming exclusivity until the talk has been had.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 06:51     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Maybe they haven't had the exclusive talk, but they are having sex and meeting each other's friends and families.
And this woman wasn't just on a date, she was cuddling with this other guy in a booth. If I'm on a date and we haven't fooled around yet or are pretty newly dating, I'm not going to be next to him, cuddled up during the meal. So she's juggling the two guys.

It's understandable that OP thought they he and his GF were more serious than they actually were. He truly felt the relationship was developing into something special. It's nobody's fault.

I understand why you're hurt, OP. And I hope you guys can communicate about what you need and work it out.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 03:49     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe it's an age thing. I am 34 and she is 27. Most nowadays don't have the exclusivity talk. It just progress and it's like an unspoken silence that we don't want to see others. I guess I thought that was what was happening here. We see each other 2-3 times week. I have had 14 dates with her in 2.5 months ( yes I kept count!). She has met my family and I have met hers. We have double dated with friends and everything. I was pretty confident we were exclusive. Seeing her with another man tore me up. I guess maybe she doesn't realize we are exclusive, or she doesn't feel the same as I do. I plan to call her tomorrow night.


That's a lame excuse. I'm 35 and just had "the talk" a few months ago. It definitely happens, you just made assumptions and didn't communicate clearly.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 03:09     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
*sex not sell
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 02:37     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:I have to say this thread taught me something about American dating. Somehow I assumed one was exclusive, if one was having sex...
Learning everyday how alien this country is.


I think most people are exclusive if they are having sell the point being made is, sadly, you can't assume that. And if a man doesn't raise the issue with a woman, she may assume he is still playing the field,and thus she might keep going on dates with other men.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 02:29     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:Meh. Op - you slept with her 5-6 times and thought you were exclusive but weren't hanging out with her on a Saturday night. Looks like you've been stringing her along and she looked for other options.

Cut your losses. She can get something better and you need to grow up a little.


Yeah, op, you haven't answered - why were you not with her on a Saturday night?
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 02:28     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
I have to say this thread taught me something about American dating. Somehow I assumed one was exclusive, if one was having sex...
Learning everyday how alien this country is.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2016 02:04     Subject: Re:I caught her on a date with another guy.
Meh. Op - you slept with her 5-6 times and thought you were exclusive but weren't hanging out with her on a Saturday night. Looks like you've been stringing her along and she looked for other options.

Cut your losses. She can get something better and you need to grow up a little.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 22:34     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Since you and she had sex, OP, I think it was wrong of her to go on a date with someone else. If nothing else, what guy would want to go on a date with a woman who was already sleeping with someone else? It was unfair to both him and you. Given that you were sleeping together and had met each other's families, I can see why you'd assume you were exclusive.


+1


If she's hot enough, guys (those without huge options) won't care.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 22:20     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:Since you and she had sex, OP, I think it was wrong of her to go on a date with someone else. If nothing else, what guy would want to go on a date with a woman who was already sleeping with someone else? It was unfair to both him and you. Given that you were sleeping together and had met each other's families, I can see why you'd assume you were exclusive.


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 22:08     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Look, some women are afraid to bring up exclusivity even if they want it because they are worried it will scare the guy away. So even if they want to be exclusive, they may feel like they should go out with others in case the other guy is just casual about her - maybe he is wasting her time, she figures.

Guys, if you don't want her dating others, bring up exclusivity.


I don't get this line of reasoning. I totally get not bringing up exclusivity too early for fear of scaring the guy off. But if you want to be exclusive with someone then presumably you have strong enough feelings for that someone to forgo dating other people. No rule of the universe says that you can only stop dating others after you have the exclusivity talk.

I guess what I'm saying is that if I like someone enough to not date others, then I would have no desire to date others, regardless of what talk I have had with the primary person I'm dating.

It's like the poster on the first page who said she doesn't like dating multiple men but she'll date multiple men until an exclusivity talk happens. If you don't like dating multiple men why the hell are dating multiple men?


Didn't see the whole quote. I've actually never gone on more than a date or two with a second person while dating someone else. But if a guy hasn't brought up exclusivity, I will go on a date with someone who asks me if I think I might like him. Every time I've done, it's actually reinforced that I liked the original, first guy better.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 22:06     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
It's like the poster on the first page who said she doesn't like dating multiple men but she'll date multiple men until an exclusivity talk happens. If you don't like dating multiple men why the hell are dating multiple men?


Because women like having their cake and eating it too.


Because I am in my thirties and don't want to waste time with someone who is just stringing me along.

I don't have sex casually, I don't have sex with a guy until we are exclusive. So I would not have wound up in this situation. But I've been screwed over enough times to know that you cannot assume exclusivity. If you do not want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others, have that discussion before you sleep with someone. Agree to be exclusive before you have sex.

Interestingly, when I've expressed this on other threads, people have told me I was ridiculous and unrealistic for wanting someone to be exclusive with me if we were having sex.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 21:59     Subject: I caught her on a date with another guy.
Even though you two were not exclusive I can feel your pain OP. I wouldn't have been too happy either.

If you really like her, then it is time to have "The Talk" together.

Let her know exactly what you would like from her & see if your needs match up.

Good luck!