Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 20:46     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:You sound like my 4 year old...everything is a competition (usually fueled by some insecurity).

DH and I have been married 17 years, but we've been together for 22 years. We moved in together within months of meeting each other. We never broke up. Is that good enough for you, OP?

I'm one of those people who answer this way. I do it to indicate that we've essentially grown up together (met in college).

In response, people often answer the same way.

What's the big deal? And why on earth does this bother you?


+1. DH and I have been married for 15 years but together for twice that long. We're HS sweethearts. That's unusual these days and provides context. We don't celebrate our marriage anniversary. I'm not sure I even remember the exact date. But I remember what I was wearing and the smell of the fall leaves the night we met because that moment changed my life. OP is strangely bitter and threatened by other people's relationships. Makes me wonder about the strength of her own.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:29     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's strange to tack on how long you've been together as a couple when asked how long you've been married.



Believe it or not, it was illegal for my parents to marry in the Great State of Mississippi. They were together long before they visited the District and got married here.

As with so many others who have responded, it provides context. Or, a more accurate account of how long they've been together as a married-like couple, without the documentation.

Ugh. I really don't see how so many silly things bother people.



Why couldn't thy marry? Why is it so important for them to add on those extra years? Do they feel simply being married is not enough? That they must justify their marriage to people in Te course of chit chat? Help me understand.



Black daddy, white mama.

Isn't interesting to learn that this was the case in our recent history? Why'd they "add" the years? Because they absolutely adored one another and were deeply committed long before that brief ceremony.

I hope that helped.




You must be quite old!!



Quite right! I'm 44. Ancient.



OMG. It's telling that the PP/OP who have their panties in a twist over this issue also don't know basic modern U.S. history.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:27     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:A study came out that people who date 4+ years before marriage are more likely to get divorced.


Yes, that study didn't control for education level or income. Once it did, that effect disappeared.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:26     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People tend to try to compensate for things. I've only heard women do this, and it's because they dated a lot longer than they wanted to before getting married. I guess they think adding the extra years together somehow legitimizes it. Or they say they already "felt married" the whole time. It's silly but I just let people say whatever makes them feel good about themselves because it doesn't affect me in any way.


Absolutely. I have never heard a man answer this way.


Then you haven't met my husband. He remembers when we met (in college). So if you ask him how long we've been married, he would say a long time...we met in college.


So he does not actually answer the question.


I think you're confused. Did you think this was a deposition? A crime investigation? IT's chit-chat. People answer loosely because normal people are not this uptight about this.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:25     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Next time OP, just say "just the facts, ma'am" and tip you Sgt. Friday hat walk out into 1950 land.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:25     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People tend to try to compensate for things. I've only heard women do this, and it's because they dated a lot longer than they wanted to before getting married. I guess they think adding the extra years together somehow legitimizes it. Or they say they already "felt married" the whole time. It's silly but I just let people say whatever makes them feel good about themselves because it doesn't affect me in any way.


Absolutely. I have never heard a man answer this way.


Then you haven't met my husband. He remembers when we met (in college). So if you ask him how long we've been married, he would say a long time...we met in college.


Mine too. We met in school, so "how long we've been together" is part and parcel of how we met.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:23     Subject: Re:How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't know it was a competition, OP.

Married 17 years. 20 years from day we met. No breaking up between.

I like to hear the back history. I think it's neat to hear couples knew one another in HS or as kids --even if they weren't dating that whole time.


Then ask for the backstory.
I cant imagine telling someone how long we have been together, when the question was how long have we been married.
It would feel odd.


The only thing that seems odd here is being upset about it.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:22     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Been married for 8 yrs when I was 7 months pregnant. Lived together for 20 yrs. Never broke up or dated others during that time. We just never made it official. Telling people we have been married for 8 yrs doesn't tell much about our relationship.


It answers the question they asked.


Exactly. Why is this so complex for people?


Jesus, lady. You are bizarre. It's not complex. Do you require one-word answers to all questions in social situations? The person answered the question, and then went on to offer extra information. Which, apparently is a BIG problem for you.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:19     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:OP may need to get a hobby.


And a source of self esteem other than her length of marriage!
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:18     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It makes me wonder why te people couldn't get their acts together to marry sooner. Obviously they had problems.


Could be. Maybe that is why they have to justify something.


This is so weird. I'm sure I've volunteered the "married 10 but been together 15" before. It never occurred to me that it was "justifying" or "competing". I don't consider it to be a competition. We met when we met, it wasn't some accomplishment. We got married when we were done with school and settled down enough to get married. No big whoop. I've offered it more as a clarifying way of explaining that we were pretty young when we got together. It describes a different life experience (having been with the same person since you were 25 rather than 30).
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:13     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
OP may need to get a hobby.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:13     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when some people are asked how long they have been married, they state something like this " married five years but have been together for 10 years".

Nobody asked how long you have been together in an unofficial capacity.
Seems these people are playing some sort of game, like they are trying to make it seem they have been married longer.
It is not a contest.
I asked how long you have been MARRIED. Not uncommitted dating.

We have friends who got married years after us, yet they brag that they have been "together" since high school. Uhm, well you broke up for years and dated others, nice try though.


Why on Earth do you care about this? Do you think it's a contest? This is bizarre.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:11     Subject: How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:It wasnt legal for me to marry my wife until 2 years ago (or three-yipes!) so when I say we've been together for 13 years it provides some context. We aren't newlyweds, we've been together and committed for a long time.


Yay!
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2015 23:04     Subject: Re:How long married? Not how long you have been together. They are different.
Anonymous wrote:The way I recall the 4 year study, there are exceptions to it: When the couple meets young (in school), or if there is long-distance or serious illness. Absent those hurdles, when two people meet as adults, if it takes them more than 4 years to go from starting dating to getting married, it is a good statistical predictor of divorce because it means one or both of them has hesitations, either about marriage in general, or marriage to that other person.

When neither of you want to be married at all, I don't think this matters/plays in.


Getting married is a good statistical predictor of divorce.