Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think this says everything about the people responding that she had it coming. You're picturing yourself as the BIL and thinking, "well, she must be a little brat for him to have gotten so angry." I grew up with a father with a very short fuse. If you saw him in action, you would think that often his reactions to normal inconveniences were completely out of proportion and at times inappropriate. Please don't assume that every parent's reaction is going to be like yours. This sounds like OP encountered another parent who didn't just have a different parenting style, but who is just not in control of his emotions when dealing with a small child. OP, I think you did the right thing to accept his apology and stay and I might even stay again. But you need to make clear with him and your sister that, while you're fine with them correcting your children when they are misbehaving, you are not fine with them getting physical with them when they are angry.

Blame-the-victim type stuff. Like, 'she must have been out late' or 'she must have been dressed too sexily'

When you equate OP's situation to this, you really trivialize sexual assault. Please stop.

The severities are different, but the basic premise is the same. Immediately going to "she must have done something to deserve it."

Well, except in this case, she did. Don't climb on furniture. And stop with the sexual assault.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are plenty mannered and have social skills. Unlike you, I don't equate not climbing on furniture with those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

OP you are making a lot of excuses when in your own words you did not see what happened.

" (I was with my back turned, helping my other child with something, so did not see all of it directly): My 4YO apparently climbed onto the arm rest of the couch and was standing on it. My BIL firmly told her "no...no...." and she did not comply. He then moved toward her with the intention of physically removing her from the couch. By the time I realized that there was something happening and turned around, she was on the seat of the couch crying and trying to crawl away, and he was standing over her grabbing at her legs."

Perhaps he was pointing at the couch, perhaps he was not. Unless you allow your kids to stand on the arm of the couch at home, which I doubt, even at 4 your child had to know she was doing something was wrong and therefore she knew what the no, no was about.
If you do let her stand on the arm of your own couch, then maybe she was confused and that brings up issues of what is proper and what is not in someone else's home.

I would have stayed in the room with my child to understand what happened. Asked her questions to find out why she was crying (after all you had your back turned and could not see what was happening). I probably would have reminded her not to climb on the couch and that Uncle BIL was trying to make sure that she stays safe and did not mean to scare/upset her.

In the end you have taught both your kids that Uncle BIL is mean and scary.

What you taught your BIL is that you have no respect for him or his rules and when you don't like something you are just going to walk away.
If your child was in harms way, of course remove her, but some tears from being reprimanded by a family member is not a reason to flee.

You should have de-escalated the situation and if you really thought he crossed a line you should have spoken to him about it in private.

So I agree with the majority. Your child was in the wrong. BIL was right in addressing the situation but then you escalated as he did in return. So in the end you all exhibited poor behavior except only one of the three of you is 4.
It is nice that your SIL and BIL apologized but I think you and your child should also have apologized.

Your DD should have said "Uncle BIL, I am sorry I was standing on the couch. I won't do it again". In fact had you calmed your daughter down and asked her to do that in the moment your BIL might have apologized then and there as well.

OP here. I appreciate what you say about staying in the room and getting to the bottom of all of the details of what happened. This, however, would not have been possible because my daughter was hysterically sobbing. There was no way to get anything out of her except "I want to go home" every now and then. She was sobbing very hard. And there is really no way that I know of to get a child to stop crying and answer questions when she is crying that hard.

Anonymous wrote:I call troll.

OP, why do you keep calling you sis your SIL? Not once, but many times..

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. BIL obviously has temper issues or he wouldn't have apologized. And why did SIL apologize for an incident she wasn't even home for unless she knew about his temper issues and, upon hearing HER OWN DH's version, knew that HE'D been the one who overstepped?

OP, to address your question, whether or not to stay there in future depends on how candidly you and they can talk about what happened and how to handle similar situations. I do agree with some of those on team BIL that your kids picked up on your response and it intensified their reaction, so you'd also need to be able to turn that down if something happens--like, stay in the room and comfort your kid with BIL there so's not to send the message that he is a monster. It may not be worth it to you to do that work, in which case--hotel.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah agree standards are more lax in own home than outside. I'd object if my kids were breaking someone else's family heirlooms or tearing books or drawing on the walls or something, but I really wouldnt care if they were climbing on someone's couch. Sorry

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think this says everything about the people responding that she had it coming. You're picturing yourself as the BIL and thinking, "well, she must be a little brat for him to have gotten so angry." I grew up with a father with a very short fuse. If you saw him in action, you would think that often his reactions to normal inconveniences were completely out of proportion and at times inappropriate. Please don't assume that every parent's reaction is going to be like yours. This sounds like OP encountered another parent who didn't just have a different parenting style, but who is just not in control of his emotions when dealing with a small child. OP, I think you did the right thing to accept his apology and stay and I might even stay again. But you need to make clear with him and your sister that, while you're fine with them correcting your children when they are misbehaving, you are not fine with them getting physical with them when they are angry.

Blame-the-victim type stuff. Like, 'she must have been out late' or 'she must have been dressed too sexily'

When you equate OP's situation to this, you really trivialize sexual assault. Please stop.

The severities are different, but the basic premise is the same. Immediately going to "she must have done something to deserve it."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think this says everything about the people responding that she had it coming. You're picturing yourself as the BIL and thinking, "well, she must be a little brat for him to have gotten so angry." I grew up with a father with a very short fuse. If you saw him in action, you would think that often his reactions to normal inconveniences were completely out of proportion and at times inappropriate. Please don't assume that every parent's reaction is going to be like yours. This sounds like OP encountered another parent who didn't just have a different parenting style, but who is just not in control of his emotions when dealing with a small child. OP, I think you did the right thing to accept his apology and stay and I might even stay again. But you need to make clear with him and your sister that, while you're fine with them correcting your children when they are misbehaving, you are not fine with them getting physical with them when they are angry.

Blame-the-victim type stuff. Like, 'she must have been out late' or 'she must have been dressed too sexily'

When you equate OP's situation to this, you really trivialize sexual assault. Please stop.

Anonymous wrote:Not being sarcastic at all. I'm honestly surprised people here are so uptight about kids on furniture. I've got bigger fish to fry with mine.

Anonymous wrote:Not being sarcastic at all. I'm honestly surprised people here are so uptight about kids on furniture. I've got bigger fish to fry with mine.

Anonymous wrote:Not being sarcastic at all. I'm honestly surprised people here are so uptight about kids on furniture. I've got bigger fish to fry with mine.