Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

The minor issues are your kids. Sexual passion comes and goes, but by your own admission you entered this with your eyes open. The time to divorce over chemistry was before you conceived.

My question to you is: what about your children? Will they be better off without a full time loving father, while you risk their health and livelihood in the dating pool?

Your test going forward should at least consider the best interests of your children.

OP has to decide if leaving him is worth having her children part time and eventually sharing them with the inevitable step mother. For imaginary sexual fulfillment.

Also, it's interesting how everyone wants a DH who has a great career and is a full participant in the household, but then can't understand why he's too respectful in bed. He's probably tired! What is OP bringing to bed?

OP should stop confiding so much in her mother and BF and get closer yo her husband. She also should make very sure she doesn't slip down the affair hole.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am really surprised by these responses. I can't believe so many of you think it is "adolescent" to want to be sexually attracted to the person you are forced to spend the rest of your life with.

OMG you are just not getting it! No one thinks this is adolescent. What we do think is adolescent is a.) realizing you are not in love with a man and letting your mother and sister talk you into marrying him anyway, b.) proceeding to have two children with him, c.) refusing to tell him directly what the problem is, and d.) assuming you can just waltz out of this relationship and find a man who is exactly like your husband (rich, kind, caring, intelligent, good looking, a functional adult) AND sexually passionate, edgy, and "rough" when you want him to be within 3 months. It's not going to happen, sorry to say. If you leave your husband, I predict that you will still be single within 3 years OR unhappily married to someone else. What you are looking for does not exist.

^I haveˆ had fear.

I can't tell you what the right answer is here, OP, but for the love of God, figure it out soon, and if you can't make it work with your husband let him go. He sounds like a good guy and it would be truly evil for you to steal these years from him if he has a chance to be happy with someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

I think you need a reality check OP. Have you read some of the other threads on here about women who wish their husbands were home more, helped more, made more money, were more ambitious, better fathers, more involved, more caring? Despite how not in love with your husband you are, you still managed to describe him in your first post as a man that any DCUM woman could dream of: a physician who loves and cares about his job, brings home the bacon and also pitches in at home, is a good caring husband and father. The problem in your situation isn't your husband. It's you. You knowingly married someone you weren't in love with under pressure from your family. Now after 6 years of marriage you're regretting your decision and want your husband to change to meet your expectation of what being "in-love" is, which from your description involves a macho man who wants to "take" you and yell at you when he's angry.

You seem reluctant to go to therapy because you tried it once and it wasn't good. I think you should try again. You're throwing away what sounds like a good man for an illusion. He is not the one who needs to change, you are the one who needs to change by fixing your perception and changing your outlook on your marriage. If you can't do that then you are better off getting divorced, but if you do that you should be aware of the reality of what life will be like after. I can't say that you won't ever be able to date anyone because that's untrue, it will be difficult but not impossible. You will most likely find someone who will give you what you want sexually, but ask yourself if that is a good enough trade off for what you would be giving up to get it.

+1 Excellent advice, OP

OP here. I am really surprised by these responses. I can't believe so many of you think it is "adolescent" to want to be sexually attracted to the person you are forced to spend the rest of your life with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

it's not pessimistic it's realistic. if she could have had something better than her husband, she would have had it years ago - it's not like she married at 15. her husband is the best she can do, overall. she might find someone who will give her the kind of sex she wants, but that's just one of the many many needs she has.

and fear is a legitimate reason to make a decision - it's an emotion that is there for a reason, to prevent us from doing dangerous things.

This is a fallacy. She has learned and she has grown. She has become more ready to meet the right person. I don't think it's only about the sex but the overall chemistry with the person.

Some fear can be useful and some fear can be unfounded. Not every fear means that you shouldn't do the thing you fear. I haven't had fear and faced down that fear and been greatly rewarded. I'm sure many others have experienced the same.

the point is not that every fear should be abided to but that the rule "one should not make decisions out of fear" is nonsense. sometimes, it is exactly what one should do.

OP didn't grow, she is actually stuck at an adolescent stage, believing like you that there is "the right person" there. she already met all the "right persons" she is going to meet - a dysfunctional ex who didn't want to marry her and the sissy who did. those were her options when she was at her prime and at 40 they are not going to get any better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried visualizing someone else while you are having sex? That might make it better for you. Just try to shut him out. It sounds like you have a good marriage aside from the sex issue. Everyone is different but for me that is like 10% (or likely less, maybe 5% lol) importance. Don't throw a good man away just because you are hung up on your passionate but "dysfunctional" and "angry" ex.

OP. Haha, yes this is exactly what I do. But the problem is he is always trying to kiss me and bring me back to the present which is irritating. I've never actually said "don't kiss me" but I turn me head away to try to let him know I don't like that.

Why so passive? Tell him that you don't want to be kissed at some moments so you can just enjoy other sensations. I've told my DH not to kiss me a certain way, that I didn't like it. It took me years to work that up. I, too, would just turn my head. It's much better now that I've told him how I feel, what I want.

Let me understand this... you want him to act a bit like an asshole with you. This is why some men treat women like assholes, because some women apparently want it. OMG.

OP, do you ever think that other bf you've had could treat you a bit "rougher" because they didn't have kids, mortgage, etc.. with you? When people are childless and don't have as much responsibilities, they have the room to be selfish and act selfishly.

Imagine if you got divorced, you find that man whom you have chemistry with, which includes him being a bit rough, a bit of an asshole. How do you think such a man will treat your kids? You want a man who is kind to your kids but rough with you? Good luck finding that.

I get that you never felt chemistry with him. And if you weren't yet married to him with kids, I'd say yea, don't marry him if you have doubts. But, that's shoulda, woulda, coulda at this point. You have kids.

If this is so important to you, then yea, get divorced. Certainly, life is too short to be miserable. But, I think you should be honest with yourself and know that if you do this, you will be turning your kids' lives upside down. Stew on that a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

it's not pessimistic it's realistic. if she could have had something better than her husband, she would have had it years ago - it's not like she married at 15. her husband is the best she can do, overall. she might find someone who will give her the kind of sex she wants, but that's just one of the many many needs she has.

and fear is a legitimate reason to make a decision - it's an emotion that is there for a reason, to prevent us from doing dangerous things.

This is a fallacy. She has learned and she has grown. She has become more ready to meet the right person. I don't think it's only about the sex but the overall chemistry with the person.

Some fear can be useful and some fear can be unfounded. Not every fear means that you shouldn't do the thing you fear. I haven't had fear and faced down that fear and been greatly rewarded. I'm sure many others have experienced the same.

OP, perhaps my perspective may help you. I was you, but I said "no" to the guy.

In graduate school I met the perfect “on paper” guy. Smart, kind (to me), destined to be successful. Conventionally good-looking, wealthy family, etc. I come from a lefty, albeit well-off family, and am definitely quirky, so I was always confused by his dogged pursuit of me. Anyway, he was everything I was “supposed to” want. And the attention was initially flattering. I felt compelled to date him. So I did, at 27. We moved in together at 31, when we were 32, he was ready to propose. And it terrified me.

I knew that we weren’t compatible. But his utter assurance that we were and would have a great life was both confusing and made me doubt my own feelings. Didn’t I want a great life? Didn’t I want to be comfortable?

Well…of course. But something told me it would be a terrible mistake. I used to actually have dreams about a bird trapped in a cage, beating its wings against the bars while feathers exploded from the sides (cliché, I know). Still, I wasn’t convinced a guy this “solid” would come along again.

And I was right.

I had several serious relationships after that, but it did get harder as I got older, and I did notice, as PPs have pointed out, a decline in the quality of men as I and they aged. Sadly, ex is definitely the most “solid” guy in my history. At 37, I had a beautiful child on my own who is 3 now. I’m 41, and after taking a 4 year hiatus from dating, am putting myself out there again. It’s actually much easier than I thought it would be; I’ve had several sweet, successful divorced dads with young kids reach out to me (this is not everyone’s idea of perfect, I realize), and I think there’s a good one in there. But it won’t be easy; I grew up in a blended family and the step-parents/kids dynamic can be complex.

I know there are people who would read this and think, “Jesus. You could’ve had 3 kids, a huge house/vacation house, your career, a husband, and you gave all that up for what you wrote above??”

And the answer is yes. For me, that was what was right. My ex was all that I described: top of his class, “chiseled” good looks, treated me well. He also had a penchant for making fun of overweight people, came from a family with a hardcore ingrained gender roles that I was terrified we’d repeat, and was pretty bad in bed. These are just a few things, but they were some of the many things no one else knew but me. So he was “perfect”. Just not perfect for me.

My parents occasionally bring him up…how is Larlo doing? He’s good. He married a 100% vanilla-esque girl from our grad program (sounds bitchy, I know, but I think this was what he wanted, and good for him for finding it), and they just had their second child. We collaborated on a book together in our field, which is small, so we’re still in touch. And friendly.

When I look around my 2 bedroom condo in NW I think, occasionally, that I could have lived in AU park in a 5 bedroom house and been a member of the country club. The house I’d take. The country club? No thanks. It’s hard to have one without the other, which is a lot like life. Whether my choices are considered strange or not by others, I’ve lived life on my own terms. And that part I’ve never regretted.

I agree with others that therapy may help you connect with your spouse in ways that might surprise you. I wish I’d had the balls to talk to my ex frankly about sex, to tell him how horrified I was by the way his family treated his mother, etc. Maybe it would’ve made a difference. I suspect it would not have. But you’ve got a lot more invested, and I think it’s worth a try. If for no other reason than you can’t honestly get to the next step unless you’ve explored this first.

My best to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried visualizing someone else while you are having sex? That might make it better for you. Just try to shut him out. It sounds like you have a good marriage aside from the sex issue. Everyone is different but for me that is like 10% (or likely less, maybe 5% lol) importance. Don't throw a good man away just because you are hung up on your passionate but "dysfunctional" and "angry" ex.

OP. Haha, yes this is exactly what I do. But the problem is he is always trying to kiss me and bring me back to the present which is irritating. I've never actually said "don't kiss me" but I turn me head away to try to let him know I don't like that.

Anonymous wrote:so fu**king what? she needs to suck it up. she is not that special.

Somehow you have internalized this defeatist attitude. Did a parent drill it into your mind? What you think is not true. Everyone is special, including OP, including you. All of us deserve to be happy and can be happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

Maybe she wasn't ready for the right person yet back then, because she hadn't learned the important lesson that appearances and "perfect on paper" don't really matter. Now she knows and may be ready to meet the person who is right for her, no matter how imperfect he may seem to others. She may need to ignore what others such as her mom and her best friend think.

right, she has now learned that what really matters is rough sex. good look pursuing that!

Yes, she is being honest with herself. Other women have expressed the same about liking rough sex. Why should she stay in a miserable situation with skin crawling at her husband's touch, all out of fear that she won't find someone else? Why be so pessimistic? A person should not make their decisions based on pessimism and fear. There probably is someone better for her out there, and for her husband as well, someone who likes a more gentle person.

she is being selectively honest with herself - she knows what she wants IN ADDITION to everything else she has. she is not realistic about that thing actually being achievable.

I don't know that she wants all she currently has, everything good about her DH, with the one difference that the sex would be rough. I don't think she said that? She must know that it will be a tradeoff in some way. The thing is that you can't tell yourself all the good things, the list you could read on paper, and make your feelings change. If she could wave a magic wand and have the good facts about her DH make a difference, she would, but she can't. It does no good to point out the great things about the DH. Reviewing in her mind all the good things won't make chemistry magically appear for OP.

Now maybe if there is some issue about anger in her past (a parent like her father was angry? she is angry herself but not expressing it?) that could be worked out in therapy, and the interest in rough sex would disappear? I do not know.

she didn't say it explicitly because she is dumb to think this through. however, she did mention she wants someone like her ex but better.. but there is no better. and she couldn't even keep that guy.