Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom remarried a man who is 15 years older than she is, she was 40, he was 55. He started to go downhill at around 58, and now she is 60, and caring for a very sick, disabled, cranky 75 year old man who resents her, resents her career (she's scared to retire, because her career is the only thing she has left and it keeps her mind fit and social life active), and treats her as a glorified nurse.

Let's say she was 55 when she married the 55 year old man. Now she'd be 75 and dealing with a cranky 75 year old man.

Which is better than being 60 and dealing with a cranky 75 year old man because... why, exactly?

Spouses get old, sick and die. If this is unacceptable to you, then don't get married. Are you hoping that your husband dies young so he doesn't trouble you with his decline? What are the alternatives to being married to someone who gets sick and dies? Are you expecting to marry someone "your age" so you can synchronize your senility with your husband so you both can burden your children instead of one of you taking care of the other? There are no easy alternatives.

Anonymous wrote:She won't come right out and say it, but I think she regrets marrying him, and resents that some of the best years of her youth was spent caring for a man and sacrificing her sexual and emotional health for so long.

The best years of her youth??? She was already FORTY when she married the guy. How is mid-40s "the best years of her youth"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are wired to be attracted to fertility, which favors 18-35 year olds. Women are wired to be attracted to competence, status and ability to provide. This inevitably leads to age gaps that tend to grow as people age.

That's all true, but it's a bad deal for the younger woman as time goes by.

Men and women just hit their primes at different ages. From 18-30 or so, attractive young women rule the roost, whether they realize it or not. They can enjoy being chased and courted by men while they are "in bloom" so to speak. For most young men, this is a difficult time (unless they are unusually high-status).

After 30-35, the pendulum shifts. Nothing is forever.

Anonymous wrote:My Mom remarried a man who is 15 years older than she is, she was 40, he was 55. He started to go downhill at around 58, and now she is 60, and caring for a very sick, disabled, cranky 75 year old man who resents her, resents her career (she's scared to retire, because her career is the only thing she has left and it keeps her mind fit and social life active), and treats her as a glorified nurse.

Let's say she was 55 when she married the 55 year old man. Now she'd be 75 and dealing with a cranky 75 year old man.

Which is better than being 60 and dealing with a cranky 75 year old man because... why, exactly?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are wired to be attracted to fertility, which favors 18-35 year olds. Women are wired to be attracted to competence, status and ability to provide. This inevitably leads to age gaps that tend to grow as people age.

That's all true, but it's a bad deal for the younger woman as time goes by.

Nope. She has more money when she's younger AND when she's older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with the difficulty of dealing with a dying boyfriend, but 48 is still pretty young to die.

He died at 52, four years after we started dating. Still pretty young. But I still wouldn't have had to deal with this if he was in my age bracket. You cannot defy physicality. A 52-year old body is what it is. Not from the looks perspective, from the disease perspective. There is simply more likelihood of sickness and death in much older men.

Ummmm... if you marry a guy roughly your own age, you don't think he's going to get sick, get old and die? Or that when he does, you won't have to deal with it? Why not?

Why is it better to deal with a man getting old and dying when YOU are also old, rather than when you are young?

Anonymous wrote:The second one was 50 and I was closer to 30. ... There were also, ahem, medical issues. And I realized that if I stayed with him, I would be his nurse maid.

So let's say you had married the guy and that you were 50 (not 30) and he was 50. Would you not have to be his nursemaid when you were both 65?

It certainly doesn't sound easier to be a nursemaid when you're 65 than when you're 40.

Last couple of posters bring up excellent points, cautioning young women to look to the future when marrying men who are a decade+ older.

My Mom remarried a man who is 15 years older than she is, she was 40, he was 55. He started to go downhill at around 58, and now she is 60, and caring for a very sick, disabled, cranky 75 year old man who resents her, resents her career (she's scared to retire, because her career is the only thing she has left and it keeps her mind fit and social life active), and treats her as a glorified nurse. She hasn't had sex with him since she was 49 years old, which has been a devastating experience for her.

She won't come right out and say it, but I think she regrets marrying him, and resents that some of the best years of her youth was spent caring for a man and sacrificing her sexual and emotional health for so long. She might as well be 80 years old, the way her life is now.
It's terrible to watch, and I hope she finds a better and more compatible life partner the next time around.

The double standard cuts both ways. Women are perceived as disadvantaged here, but women aren't as wired to be attracted to youth, so it's not as off-putting for them to date older, as long as he has other things going for him.

Woman also have the advantage of being able to date old, rich guys when they are young and essentially bypass the working life. That option is generally not available to men.

Older women can still find a man, as long as they are willing to date even older men. Of course, there is a point where this gets difficult. A 60+ year old, single woman is kind of stuck having to date elderly men, unless she is lucky.

Most women are OK with middle-aged men, but even the most open-minded woman is just not into elderly guys. Even men age-out after a certain point.

Getting old sucks.

Anonymous wrote:Men are wired to be attracted to fertility, which favors 18-35 year olds. Women are wired to be attracted to competence, status and ability to provide. This inevitably leads to age gaps that tend to grow as people age.

That's all true, but it's a bad deal for the younger woman as time goes by.

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with the difficulty of dealing with a dying boyfriend, but 48 is still pretty young to die.

He died at 52, four years after we started dating. Still pretty young. But I still wouldn't have had to deal with this if he was in my age bracket. You cannot defy physicality. A 52-year old body is what it is. Not from the looks perspective, from the disease perspective. There is simply more likelihood of sickness and death in much older men.

Men are wired to be attracted to fertility, which favors 18-35 year olds. Women are wired to be attracted to competence, status and ability to provide. This inevitably leads to age gaps that tend to grow as people age.

Why do older men sometimes remarry younger women? By and large, they are better looking. This is not rocket science, people.

I sympathize with the difficulty of dealing with a dying boyfriend, but 48 is still pretty young to die.

Well since we're trading personal anecdotes, here are three of mine:

1. My mom and dad are 10 years apart. She is currently a sprightly 75 year old, and he's a very decrepit 85 year-old. They've been married for 50+ years. My mom counseled me not to marry an older man because "he'll be very jealous of you and you'll spend your life explaining that you didn't REALLY look at that guy, you were simply looking at something else in that general direction. And most importantly, you will instantly age ten years because he will make you live the life of someone ten years older." My dad is neither richer nor more socially prominent than my mom, they were simply two people who fell in love 50+ years ago.

2. When I was 17, I had a 2-year relationship with a 34-year old man (stupid, I know). He was very anxious to tie the knot, and had a 15-year old daughter who lived with us. Never again. All our disagreements had to end with "I know better 'cause I am older and I am showing you the ways of the world." Left at 19, without a ring, thank god.

3. At 24, I started a 4-year relationship with a 48-year old man (I know, I know). Absolutely fantastic guy, we were madly in love and I miss him to this day. We got engaged (stupid me), although he was very explicit about his desire for no more kids. At 25, I thought these differences don't matter. Two years later he was diagnosed with brain cancer and died two years after that. I did NOT enjoy dealing with this at 28 years of age, and it probably screwed me up for a good couple of years. NEVER AGAIN. Don't want to deal with death and disease before I have to.

Married now to someone seven years older who is my peer, not an "older man". I don't regret my history but these relationships were a bad bet long-term. If my daughter inherits my love of older men, I will counsel her to enjoy them short-term but marry someone her own age bracket.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying an older man is a bad deal for the younger woman later in life. It's all fun and games when he's 40 or 45 and she's 30 or late twenties. Fast forward twenty or thirty years. No one, no matter how rich, can stop time. Older men will sicken faster and die faster. That same woman - who may no longer hot and young at 40+ but is not yearning for retirement - will play nurse to her older husband, and will age faster because he'll make her live a lifestyle much older than her actual age. And when they do die, the market isn't exactly yearning for the 50+ something widows. If it was up to me, I'd say date them, enjoy the ride but marry your peer so that you won't have to age faster or live like an older man.

This is a very important point. Older guys are not a whole lot of fun when they get to 50 plus. Younger brides will have a grumpy old man to look forward to, who falls asleep on the couch. The hot younger wife will also need to socialise with his older friends. I dare say she won't find any BFFs among the wives, more likely there will be some social chill in the air. Likewise, he will have to sit and listen to her friends witter on. Enjoy

Older ladies seem to gain a whole new lease on life as they get older and their husbands tend to be a total drag around about the same age...

I have a friend who married a guy who is 20 plus years older. This is his second family and his older kids are grown. He leaves the child rearing to her and she struggles with that. Her step-grandchildren will be around the same age as her own kids. She knows she will be a young widow. I don't envy her a few years from now when the serious business of ageing kicks in and she is the 40 something wife of a 70 year old man.

+1

I dated two older men (at different times) in my 20s. And I'm glad I didn't stay with them. Here are some of the things I learned: 1) The first one was around 40 and I was 24. On the outside, it must have seemed exciting. He was well respected in academic/museum circles, so we always had invitations to elite events. But I actually always had a horrible time at those events. Most of the people were vapid and phony. I was always cordial, but whenever I expressed my thoughts to him in private, he was dismissive because of my age. I realize now (I'm late 30s, close to 40) that I was right about most of those people. He was dismissive as a defense mechanism. I also realize now that he was condescending but in a very subtle way. The age advantage was his trump card. I put up with a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have, and I wouldn't now. My instincts were right then, but he used "age and experience" to convince me to doubt them. Long term, I would never have grown into my confidence if I had stayed with him. As much as young women thing older men will *help* them learn and grow, I think the opposite happens. Being in a long-term relationship with a man more than a decade older can actually stifle a young woman's growth. (I'm sure there are exceptions.)

2) The second one was 50 and I was closer to 30. I was cautious and hesitant (because of my first experience), but we had some common interests, so I gave it a chance. What a mistake. First of all, he was manipulative. And probably due to his "age and experience," he was really good at being manipulative. He also used "age and experience" as a trump card. He saw the relationship as one sided. He had all of the knowledge, and I was to be his protege. But the reality is that his life was in shambles. His ex was psycho. His kids were spoiled. In the beginning, he pretended to be interested in me as a whole, but it was clear as things went on that it was purely physical for him. There were also, ahem, medical issues. And I realized that if I stayed with him, I would be his nurse maid.

Some young women thing that dating an older man is great because they are financially established. But I think the entire experience is stifling.

My husband is exactly my age. And one of the best parts of our relationship is that we are experiencing life (and its various stages) together as a team. It's not as if one has been there, done that before. There is also no question that we both see each other as equals. My opinion has equal weight as his in all of our major decisions. We learn from each other.

I would caution young women against long-term relationships with older men. It's fine for casual dating. But be warned, the dynamic changes when it gets more serious.