You are planning to have an affair and won't try counseling? You are ridiculous.

NP, in my case we are early 30s both WOH with 2yr old DD. My DW has low sex drive and resentment builtup from us still living in our starter home (Arlington) despite having good incomes and home equity $500K. I do my fair share and more with DD. Not because I want more sex cause I actual like cleaning boogers, feedings, diaper changes, cleanup around the house,etc.

As PP, who was tracking sex; I do as well. My DW asked how many times did we have sex last month I said "Honestly it's not worth mentioning".

I now truely resent my DW and when we do have sex I don't feel the connection we once had.
I am definitely enroute to having an affair and getting into the best shape of my life.

Sorry counseling isn't going to work but I need to stick around for DD.

To judge from this thread, husbands (men who are presumably a sexually known quantity at the time of marriage) mysteriously become less skillful in bed after a long period of marriage and, in particular, after kids. Sounds like the "skill in bed" complaint is a way of shifting the blame for women's disinterest in monogamy.

To answer your question OP, this happens because of how differently men and women are wired, and because of what marriage is really about.

1. Marriage is really society's way of giving a family legal identity, more than anything to do with sex and intimacy. In Western societies you no longer have to get married to have sex, so marriage, particularly this side of the world, was not designed to guarantee hot, steamy sexual fulfillment forever. Only very few couples get this as a bonus.

2. Women are naturally wired with a biological clock, just like other mammals. They naturally want to find a suitable mate during their most productive and fertile years. So between 20-40, there is a rush to find a mate, especially within the stability of a marriage. However, as soon as this happens, then their priorities and bodies will naturally place premium on the new members of the family and not the mate who helped fertilize them into being. Western legal systems are then designed to trap the man into staying or take the financial hit, to guarantee women this stability and security. Typical mammalian behavior, except that sub-human females do not have laws that govern family life, but humans do.

3. Men are wired to always be ready and able to mate as there is no direct inverse relationship between age and fertility for them. Virility declines, but not fertility between the given ages of 20-40 years, or even beyond.


With that being the case, we can conclude that monogamy is unnatural; that monogamous matrimony is a flawed concept; or that you accept what marriage is and what it isn't.

Hope I have answered your question OP.

For me, I haven't been interested in sex since the baby was born, but that's not the only thing at play. I've recently (since baby was born) come to terms with my history of childhood sexual abuse, and feel at a loss when it comes to expressing my sexuality in a healthy, open way. I feel like my DH is very stiff and uncreative in bed, also. Furthermore, I feel a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband: he's very critical and quick to anger, and neither of those traits gets me wet. Finally, he does almost nothing around the house, and I'm tired of playing maid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I have a medical issue that contributes to/causes very low libido. Working with a dr on that but to an extent, it sort of is what it is.
2. My husband is childish and selfish and pretty much never grew up. I love him but I resent him. He has good qualities but the reasons for not having sedate because of the bad stuff below.
3. We both work, I work more hours usually and I bring in 2/3 of the HHI. He keeps back 2/3 of his take home and won't contribute it to the household. I get nothing for myself as a result because bills still have to be covered. I do everything around the house as well. We would live in a hovel if I left it to his standards. I mean "bathroom not cleaned in 5 years" hoarders type situation were it left to him.
4. He does literally 0% of anything child related unless specifically asked. And even then he is petulant about it. He has no concept of developmentally appropriate behavior so expects our toddler to behave perfectly all the time. He wants to punish him if the kid has a meltdown because he forgot to feed him, for example.
5. His idea of foreplay is taking off his clothes.

None of the above us anything I witnessed or could foresee during the years we dated. It all kicked in later.

So yeah, he wonders why I am not eager for him? See all of the above.

Weirdly it is his position that I am a bad wife and that everything he does is reasonable. He keeps threatening ME with divorce. I don't think my kid is safe with him until he's older, so I do what I need to do.

This made me very sad to read. This sounds like such a bad situation to be in! I don'the have any good advice, but who in the world could blame you for having no desire towards your husband. I hope your situation improves In some way. I am sorry!

Just wanted to say thank you for this. I appreciate it. One stranger to another. And we had our first counseling session today.

Anonymous wrote:No. He won't give me oral and no mutual m.

That's very unfortunate. My only suggestion is to try to start having open, honest, non-angry conversations about how you're unhappy sexually and how the two of you can work together to improve things. If that can't/won't happen, start couples counseling.

If you've explicitly said you would like X and Y and he won't do it (within reason), he sounds like a selfish ass and a terrible lover.

fwiw- I'd be happy to give oral while using toys on you (with no recip expected) every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of women here finding excuses to not have sex with their husbands and then wondering why their husbands aren't that into them anymore. We get it you're tired, but we need to have sex regularly. If we don't get it from you then we start looking around for where we can (I'm not justifying it). Withholding sex is the best way to ruin your marriage (and yes I realize that it goes both ways)

What are you doing to deliver high-quality sex? Do you see sex something you "get" or something you have an obligation to deliver?

High quality sex isn't something that's "delivered." It's something a woman inspires or she doesn't.

Not really. Some men are better at oral than others, some aren't good in at at all. Some men share your kinks and some do not. A low-skilled lover doesn't become high-skilled just because of inspiration. And if a woman doesn't inspire you to deliver high-quality sex, then I don't see how you can blame her for lack of enthusiasm for that pastime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

Guy again- Has he explicitly said this? If so, he has some serious confidence issues.

Since this is the non-explicit, I'll try my best to keep it that way but-

Have the two of you just masturbated next to each other? Ask him to give oral and then do what you need to do to get the O. If he wants to stop and have intercourse, just be assertive and say you really just want to cum all over his face this time and you'll take care of him after.

It sounds like the two of you aren't communicating well. You shouldn't say "here are the steps you need to do to make me cum" but rather incorporate what you need to do to get off with him. For example, my wife almost always rubs her clit to cum during sex. Its what she needs to do and I have no problems knowing she needs more than penetration to be satisfied.

No. He won't give me oral and no mutual m.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here... I've shared he's stayed doing the same or something completely different that's not working.

I don't think he's fully to blame. I don't speak up enough and faking has become routine.

Showing him is not an option. he'd never go for that. Then I'd feel rejected for asking.

Starting to understand y people cheat.

I like to try to see things from other peoples' point of view, but I can't even begin to climb inside the head of a guy who would object to his wife showing him what makes her feel good. Sexy as hell to watch and makes things easier and better going forward.

My husband wouldn't like me to show him. It would make him feel inept.

Then he should let you invite another man into the bedroom to show him how it's done!

I wish. Maybe skip the husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of women here finding excuses to not have sex with their husbands and then wondering why their husbands aren't that into them anymore. We get it you're tired, but we need to have sex regularly. If we don't get it from you then we start looking around for where we can (I'm not justifying it). Withholding sex is the best way to ruin your marriage (and yes I realize that it goes both ways)

What are you doing to deliver high-quality sex? Do you see sex something you "get" or something you have an obligation to deliver?

High quality sex isn't something that's "delivered." It's something a woman inspires or she doesn't.

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of women here finding excuses to not have sex with their husbands and then wondering why their husbands aren't that into them anymore. We get it you're tired, but we need to have sex regularly. If we don't get it from you then we start looking around for where we can (I'm not justifying it). Withholding sex is the best way to ruin your marriage (and yes I realize that it goes both ways)

What are you doing to deliver high-quality sex? Do you see sex something you "get" or something you have an obligation to deliver?

I see a lot of women here finding excuses to not have sex with their husbands and then wondering why their husbands aren't that into them anymore. We get it you're tired, but we need to have sex regularly. If we don't get it from you then we start looking around for where we can (I'm not justifying it). Withholding sex is the best way to ruin your marriage (and yes I realize that it goes both ways)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No o lady here. DH brought up in a conservative culture. Masturbation is taboo. While he knows i do it asking him to watch would be wrong to him. Not the norm anymore i know but its what im working with.

Just to clarify- has he explicitly said this or are you assuming?

For example, if you were to casually lay next to him on your back, spread your legs a bit and put one of your legs over one of his, turn to him, smile, and start masturbating while maintaining eye contact- would he say its wrong or do you think he'd get a stiffy?

Ive tried asking him about madterbation in general to see if it bothers him that i do he was too uncomfortable sayong he knows i do but he doesnt want to talk about it.

With conservative culture guys, what often works is just doing, without saying much. Snuggle up in bed and ask him to hold you, like spooning. Tell him you want him and start stroking yourself. Wrap his arms around you. I've never seen this fail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it's 80%. I think it's pretty common for a desperate husband in a low sex marriage to have tried very hard. If it was as simple as watching and learning when she showed him what she wanted, these guys putting a lot of effort into trying to get laid would have done that pretty early on.

My guess is that familiarity, hormones, and a wife's failure to prioritize sex is at least as responsible as the guy who ignores clear instructions.

Low sex marriages happen in so, so many more forms than "desperate husband" and withholding wife..

True. But desperate husband and withholding wife is common enough to be a cliche.

That's because it is far more acceptable for men to complain about the lack of sex from wives than for wives to complain about lack of quality sex from husbands.