Wow, haven't been on this thread since yesterday. I am the one whose dad died when I was 10 and mom scraped by. I must say, most of you folks on DCUM are distorted. It is clear to me that most of the PPs have never had to really scrape by. Have any of you ever had to live on welfare or on nothing? Do you know how to not only live without cable, but also without a car or wondering if you were going to pay for food or gas first? It changes you. And don't think this doesn't happen in the US. It has been ubiquitous since 2008, just not in NW DC, or MOCo or Fairfax, or at least not in your community. If you lost a $20 bill, would that break your budget for the month?

Get off your horses. The OP has a problem. The OPs husband has a problem, and all she sees is the $$ bleeding out the door. I am sure it brings a lot of feelings of her childhood. If you choose to eat nothing but beans to make sure there is money in the bank, it has to be irritating to hear DH went out and dropped $100 on lunch at a restaurant. All OP is asking for is advice on how to get DH to spend reasonably, say $15 for lunch instead.

I really find most of the PPs repulsive, attacking the OP instead of attacking the problem. I challenge you to go back and see where you bleed discretionary money, because I guarantee, most of what you spend on are actually luxuries that are considered necessary by most Americans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have a Ghanaian girlfriend who always looks as if she stepped out of a magazine. Pencil thin with amazing clothes. She makes all of her own stuff and spends very little on clothes.

OP. I say this in all my kindness. This statement is right out of "I'm 45 and pass for an 18-year old all the time". No one who understands clothes and fashion is fooled by your girlfriend's getups. I'm sure she looks nice. But if she wore actual quality clothes or designer stuff they feature in magazines, she'd look about 200,000% better. If you consider what she wears amazing, well....you will believe this until you get your first item of clothing that hasn't been made in the land of your ancestors. Like an actual, bona fide designer stuff. If you choose not to buy it, that's fine. But to say no one can tell between high-end clothes and homespun duds is just...silly.

+1000. OP -- money is/has become so important that you that you are just fooling yourself. I'm sure your friend looks ok/fine/good in her homemade clothes, but you are kidding yourself if you think no one can tell. The difference is this isn't middle/high school anymore; even if people like her coworkers notice -- it's not like when you're 15 and some kid at school will say -- "hey did you sew your own t-shirt, WHY!?" But you better believe people are wondering. It's fine if you/she have decided that money is so important, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks -- but don't kid yourself.

Anonymous wrote: I have a Ghanaian girlfriend who always looks as if she stepped out of a magazine. Pencil thin with amazing clothes. She makes all of her own stuff and spends very little on clothes.

OP. I say this in all my kindness. This statement is right out of "I'm 45 and pass for an 18-year old all the time". No one who understands clothes and fashion is fooled by your girlfriend's getups. I'm sure she looks nice. But if she wore actual quality clothes or designer stuff they feature in magazines, she'd look about 200,000% better. If you consider what she wears amazing, well....you will believe this until you get your first item of clothing that hasn't been made in the land of your ancestors. Like an actual, bona fide designer stuff. If you choose not to buy it, that's fine. But to say no one can tell between high-end clothes and homespun duds is just...silly.

OP : YOU DO NOT REPRESENT ASIANS ! You came to this country with nothing, heck you guys couldn't even afford new clothes, yet you come here, work hard and find yourself successful. After all that this country has given you, you have nothing but contempt for their values ? Your mindset is not Asian, it is more of a CLASS ISSUE. You come from a very low income background and have no concept of quality of life (nothing wrong if you were not an asshole), all Asians of a certain income levels know how to have a quality life. I say this as an Asian. You must be a nightmare to live with, oh and BTW you should sometimes listen to yourself, you are so full of it.

Your views of Asians are effed up. I am Asian and as a general rule, yes, saving and financial stability is important; that's why kids are pushed towards medicine, engineering, law etc. BUT not every Asian family is living under the model of saving every dollar for retirement as you seem to be doing. You came here in your teens, having never had new clothes before. It's a bit different for the Asians born and raised here, or even for the Asians who immigrated who were engineers or MBAs or whatever in their own countries; sure they came here to do "better," but there weren't totally lacking in their own country either. They had a middle class life -- so they were used to eating out or grabbing a coffee or treating their kids to an ice cream cone, and they didn't stop doing that just bc they got to the U.S. and decided retirement savings was it. You sound like you'd freak out if your kid asked for a $5 ice cream cone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

OP here, any mistress he takes will have to pay for their dates and everything they do because I keep close track of every penny we have. If she's rich enough to keep him, she can move in with us and keep me too!

I have to admit, of all the possible outcomes to this thread, I never saw the MFF threesome coming

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

OP here, my way is the right way for me to live. DH admired my financial savvy when he met me and sees how his life has improved. When I met him, he was struggling to pay off $40k in student loans while I had already cleared away $200k in student loans by age 26. He sees how my family lives -- we came here with nothing, but we have much more than his family does -- and he wants that for himself. He actually begs me not to give up on him and to keep trying to help him control his spending. He just lacks discipline because he was not raised with it.

Something I noticed with Asian families - indian and east asian - they base happiness purely on finances and money because most came from nothing to have something here in the US. I know a couple that although were younger than you and your hubby married before they finished college also from different cultures one that prioritized money and the other didn't as much but they married for love and are doing well together. So it seems you are seeing your hubbys spending as catastrophic to your goals but realize that he's from a different culture that will never align to your own. You have to accept his cultural differences, the way he grew up, etc because you love him right? Most americans - white, black, hispanic - aren't raised with the same cutthroat discipline asians were raised with. Culturally discipline is ingrained in most asians from a very young age and you can't change that about your hubby. You can however set a goal and try to stick to it. Start with a small goal then work your way up.

OP here, I don't base happiness purely on finances. No one does. That is a distortion of Asian values. I am in the majority in most of the world. Most people don't spend the way that pampered Americans and Europeans do. Most of my friends are African (straight from the continent) because those people really know how to conserve resources and live wisely. I have a Ghanaian girlfriend who always looks as if she stepped out of a magazine. Pencil thin with amazing clothes. She makes all of her own stuff and spends very little on clothes. American fashionistas, in comparison, are often deep in debt or rely on their parents' money. African and Asian values are just different.

You are kind of incorrect. A lot of Asian families focus on material wealth. Marrying for money became such a problem in some Asian countries they had to pass laws for it! Also I have known plenty of people (asian and non-asian) who came here for a better life. One lady in particular lived in a dirt house in her home country and drank from jars because they couldn't afford cups. Well she married a russian business man and has a beautiful mansion in Alexandria and doesn't work. So your quote "no one does" is dead wrong. When someone came from nothing and came here to get something and they get it they want more and more and get very greedy with dollar signs for eyes so much so that they become greedy, selfish, cutthroat, bad to be around with, and become critical of others even though they were in the same position before. It certainly is a class difference. From the same country of that lady with the jars for glasses I have known wealthy people who come to the US just to visit and shop because they are successful in their own country. Typically the rich and successful in their own countries (those who grew up with it and have wealthy family) are not that greedy but do have a bigger ego and think they are better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can cut the condescension here with a knife! You clearly don't give a fuck what we think, we're faceless jerks on the internet, so why post at all? Wait, I get it now, here you go:

YOU ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF US. YOUR STUPID HUSBAND IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! MAYBE THIS MONTH HE CAN SPEND HIS ALLOWANCE ON A NEW LEASH!

OP here, whew. You are really mad right now. Usually, I have to actually try in order to whip people into this much of a frenzy.

Not mad, just mocking you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

OP here, any mistress he takes will have to pay for their dates and everything they do because I keep close track of every penny we have. If she's rich enough to keep him, she can move in with us and keep me too!

That's a great idea for another income stream. You can pimp him out, then you don't have to worry about retraining him. Win win!

Anonymous wrote:OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

OP here, any mistress he takes will have to pay for their dates and everything they do because I keep close track of every penny we have. If she's rich enough to keep him, she can move in with us and keep me too!

OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

Anonymous wrote:You can cut the condescension here with a knife! You clearly don't give a fuck what we think, we're faceless jerks on the internet, so why post at all? Wait, I get it now, here you go:

YOU ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF US. YOUR STUPID HUSBAND IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! MAYBE THIS MONTH HE CAN SPEND HIS ALLOWANCE ON A NEW LEASH!

OP here, whew. You are really mad right now. Usually, I have to actually try in order to whip people into this much of a frenzy.

Anonymous wrote:You can cut the condescension here with a knife! You clearly don't give a fuck what we think, we're faceless jerks on the internet, so why post at all? Wait, I get it now, here you go:

YOU ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF US. YOUR STUPID HUSBAND IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! MAYBE THIS MONTH HE CAN SPEND HIS ALLOWANCE ON A NEW LEASH!

Lol. OP has really gotten to some of you.

You can cut the condescension here with a knife! You clearly don't give a fuck what we think, we're faceless jerks on the internet, so why post at all? Wait, I get it now, here you go:

YOU ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF US. YOUR STUPID HUSBAND IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! MAYBE THIS MONTH HE CAN SPEND HIS ALLOWANCE ON A NEW LEASH!

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

THIS. I live more like you than your DH, but you are majorly infantilizing him. The way you talk about him, his family, and his friends is absolutely dripping with condescension. Not only is that terrible for your relationship, it probably leads him to spend even more out of rebellion. You should really find a way to make time for therapy, because once you guys get divorced you will have even less control over him. (You will, however, be free of all of the "fools" he hangs out with, so maybe you would be happier.)