Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming.

OP, I just wanted to address this one other point. You've done nothing shameful. If you end up needing to leave, or otherwise want to discuss this with friends and family, do not take his shame on yourself. As is abundantly clear from your original post, you're not responsible for his behavior.

That is kind of you to say. Thank you. I do feel deeply ashamed and humiliated that this happened. I know it is not my fault, but I feel conned and wronged.

I put all of my faith and trust in someone who was extremely cavalier with my feelings and absolutely selfish with theirs. It makes me feel like I can't trust myself and my decisions. We have been married for such a very short time. I have just finished the process of changing my surname to his. All I think about is that if this is done, I will have to back through this entire painful process of changing my name back. Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated.

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat related to OP's post - is there some value in accepting that your partner might cheat one day so you are mentally prepared to accept it? Cheating is incredibly common, the chances that your long term marriage will remain faithful till death are not great. I know I sound like a pessimist, but I just assume there is a chance my DW might mess up. I told her if she did, I don't want to know, unless it means she wants out of the marriage. Or maybe I just don't see sex as that big of a deal (maybe I should be a swinger).

Just a thought, but it seems so extreme to toss out a good relationship over something so common as infidelity, especially since he cheated when they were long distance. If it's just sex, and he wasn't sincerely declaring his love for this OW, it doesn't seem worth the mental anguish that OP is going through.

Anonymous wrote:
I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For what it's worth OP - I am one of those people that generally think infidelity, over the course of a long relationship, can be forgiven. Humans aren't wired for monogamy, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people, you were long distance, people make mistakes, etc. So I generally lean towards giving people second chances if they are remorseful, truly made a mistake, and there is a great foundation to the relationship otherwise.

All that being noted, I don't see it worth it to you. Your reaction to this is catatonic. That's ok, we all react to infidelity in our own ways - some shrug, some are hurt but get over it, some see it as the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL, somehow worse than bankrupting the family on a gambling addiction. Do you really want to be in the role of mom/police woman to your new husband? Are you that viscerally disgusted by his touch (he had his penis in many women before you, his penis responds to all types of women, nothing personal). He needs to BCC you on all communications? You need that from him? You are treating him like a child, it may be "warranted" but it's not the foundation for an adult relationship.

All in all, with no kids in the picture, I just don't see it worth it - who wants to be in counselling during the honeymoon years? I agree with most posters that you should take some time and not make a decision with your emotional brain, but I just don't see you getting fully past all this given your reaction and take on infidelity in general.

As a survivor of infidelity, I have to strongly disagree with this poster. You JUST found out. Your immediate reaction is only that - immediate. You should not make any decisions today. Time is on your side. First you have to recover from the shock of it, and then you can start to recover from the infidelity. This notion that you should be able to shrug it off quickly if your marriage is to survive in a crock.

As for being in the role of mom/police - absolutely, you can and should do that until you feel safe again. All these people acting as if it is the most intrusive thing ever are completely ignorant as to how one heals from infidelity. I personally didn't need to see my DH's emails and texts after the first few weeks - it was enough that I knew he would show them to me if I asked.

Please go to www.survivinginfidelity.com for support. Their collective experiences make them far more understanding of what you are going through than the vast majority of people on this board.

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

Anonymous wrote:Has he cheated in other, prior relationships?

Anonymous wrote:There's no way to truly have access to all of his stuff. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way.

There are lots of people who have second (or third) phones that their spouses dont know about because they never take them home. He could access certain stuff at work, library, anywhere there is free WiFi, etc.

I think you really have to decide whether or not you can trust him again and take the risk.

Anonymous wrote:
For what it's worth OP - I am one of those people that generally think infidelity, over the course of a long relationship, can be forgiven. Humans aren't wired for monogamy, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people, you were long distance, people make mistakes, etc. So I generally lean towards giving people second chances if they are remorseful, truly made a mistake, and there is a great foundation to the relationship otherwise.

All that being noted, I don't see it worth it to you. Your reaction to this is catatonic. That's ok, we all react to infidelity in our own ways - some shrug, some are hurt but get over it, some see it as the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL, somehow worse than bankrupting the family on a gambling addiction. Do you really want to be in the role of mom/police woman to your new husband? Are you that viscerally disgusted by his touch (he had his penis in many women before you, his penis responds to all types of women, nothing personal). He needs to BCC you on all communications? You need that from him? You are treating him like a child, it may be "warranted" but it's not the foundation for an adult relationship.

All in all, with no kids in the picture, I just don't see it worth it - who wants to be in counselling during the honeymoon years? I agree with most posters that you should take some time and not make a decision with your emotional brain, but I just don't see you getting fully past all this given your reaction and take on infidelity in general.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he feel about the other woman? Did he love her or was it more of a physical nature? I would be less concerned if he honestly had feelings for another woman and you at the same time while long-distance. That makes more sense to me than why he had so many flirtations going on at once. That seems to me more of a serial nature that may be hard to break for a 40-something year old. Also, this is key, did he LIE to you during these periods, like he was on a date with OW and told you that he was working late? Or did you have the type of distance relationship where you would go 48 hours without speaking and then just pick up where you left off vs. recounting what you did for the past two days? To me, these details are important because you are getting at the root of his character (the lying and serial cheating) vs. someone who fell for two people and took a while to make up his mind.

I see your thoughts here. The other woman was someone he had met ten years ago on a dating site after his divorce. She lived in a different state, and he saw her physically three times in ten years. They were mostly friendly, but things turned more romantic and personal around the time he and I met. He said he was keeping his options open in the early days of our relationship as we didn't know how things might work out with the distance. This I understand. I did the same. And we were both open about it. But after two years of knowing each other and one year of dating, we grew more serious, discussed being exclusive and then took two different paths: I remained true to him and committed, and he did not. He moved forward with our relationship, falling in love with me, proposing to me, making plans to relocate with me, but continuing to be in touch with this other woman. He said he cared about her, but did not love her, did not tell her he loved her, did not promise a future for them. Through emails I read I can see that she repeatedly asked to make the relationship more - to be GF/BF, to plan for a future, and he told her he couldn't do it and he cared for her but didn't want it repeatedly. Yet, he carried this on, both the emotional and physical when seeing her while we were committed and sadly even when we were engaged. While we were LDR, we spoke and texted daily, Skyped a few times a week. We saw each other every month. Yet obviously, we spent a lot of physical time apart. This I am sure is why it may have been so easy for him to have something else going on. It might even be a reason he felt he could keep it going.

We both need to find out if this is his true nature and character or a giant fuck-up on an otherwise unmarred "record."