Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 16:03     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
I really think this is generational because I know South Asians who were raised in the US - and have attended their weddings - and they would view a "no boxed gifts" type of instruction as being outright inappropriate.

And please, the whole cash and gold is the ultimate security nonsense is what one associates with perhaps an immigrant who just arrived in the US.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:57     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess we will next see invitations asking for contributions towards the honeymoon.


Too late, I'm sure that's already happening.


It's all the rage now! There are many websites created specifically for that. I know two friends who have already requested contributions towards their honeymoon using these sites.... Gross!
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:56     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This thread is not making South Asian cultures look good at all.


Whatever. Take a post off of DCUM and decide that South Asian cultures are horrible from it. Typical. Like your culture is all roses right?



To the OP- If you don't want to give a gift, don't. Stating no boxed gifts simply means that if you want to give the couple a gift then instead of spending on some stupid registry gift, please give them the cash instead and allow them to use it as they need to benefit them.

To you all stating that this is not Asia, I'm sure the couple and their family are aware of that obvious fact. The majority of the attendants to the wedding will be South Asian.

South Asian weddings are LARGE, no one wants 500 boxes of any kind of gift. Cash is the POLITE gift to give to a new couple starting their life together. We don't know their circumstances, we don't know if they need a toaster, if they need money for a downpayment for a house, or if they would like to use their gifts to pay down any student loans so they don't start life together with a debt.

In American culture, gifts are polite. If you like it, keep it, if you don't then donate it. But that is seen as extremely wasteful in India. What holds value is cash and gold. Those are the gifts given to a new couple or at a baby's birth, etc. because they mean a lot more for the well being of the family.


Registries for gifts or towards a honeymoon are TACKY. I mean, really, I've seen some things like " hey help us enjoy our honeymoon by paying for a snorkel trip". Gross. How about I give you some money and you go buy your own snorkel package or your own set of dishes. Why do I have to go shopping around for you when you are perfectly capable of shopping for yourself.

But you can not put nothing at all on the card. Guest want to know what to get, it's a lot more stressful for them to just have to randomly pick up a gift of for a new couple. So either a registry or "no boxed gifts" needs to be listed.

My husband and I are both South Asian, but newsflash DCUM, it's not a monolith. We did two different invitations- for my side and my husband's side. "No boxed gifts" on mine, nothing on his, since "no boxed gifts" would have been taboo in his family and like I said registries are tacky. My MIL was inundated with calls about what to buy us as a gift.

The checks from my side gave us a very nice cushion to start out with- the remainder my student loans paid off, the rest into a Vanguard account that's been growing money for the past 15 years.



Lot of sweeping generalizations here ....... and I certainly agree with the PP who wrote that paying your college debt is the farthest thing from my mind when I give a wedding gift. What is next? Pay-off credit card bills?


Like I said- it's giving a cushion to a new couple to use as would best serve them. Once it's given, it's given. It's not a go fund me for credit card bill or honeymoons.

As stated earlier, it would give most South Asians gift givers pleasure knowing that they were able to help in some small way to the financial security for a new couple.

We are very community oriented. Giving cash and gold serves the most stability for a family in the long term. This trickles down to a stronger community and more stabile future generations.

It's something that you will not get unless you get out of your box and try to understand that cultures are different.

Please just don't give a gift if you're so offended or just don't go to the wedding at all. It's different for you and apparently differences make you uncomfortable.
It's an invite, feel free to decline.

Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:46     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This thread is not making South Asian cultures look good at all.


Whatever. Take a post off of DCUM and decide that South Asian cultures are horrible from it. Typical. Like your culture is all roses right?



To the OP- If you don't want to give a gift, don't. Stating no boxed gifts simply means that if you want to give the couple a gift then instead of spending on some stupid registry gift, please give them the cash instead and allow them to use it as they need to benefit them.

To you all stating that this is not Asia, I'm sure the couple and their family are aware of that obvious fact. The majority of the attendants to the wedding will be South Asian.

South Asian weddings are LARGE, no one wants 500 boxes of any kind of gift. Cash is the POLITE gift to give to a new couple starting their life together. We don't know their circumstances, we don't know if they need a toaster, if they need money for a downpayment for a house, or if they would like to use their gifts to pay down any student loans so they don't start life together with a debt.

In American culture, gifts are polite. If you like it, keep it, if you don't then donate it. But that is seen as extremely wasteful in India. What holds value is cash and gold. Those are the gifts given to a new couple or at a baby's birth, etc. because they mean a lot more for the well being of the family.


Registries for gifts or towards a honeymoon are TACKY. I mean, really, I've seen some things like " hey help us enjoy our honeymoon by paying for a snorkel trip". Gross. How about I give you some money and you go buy your own snorkel package or your own set of dishes. Why do I have to go shopping around for you when you are perfectly capable of shopping for yourself.

But you can not put nothing at all on the card. Guest want to know what to get, it's a lot more stressful for them to just have to randomly pick up a gift of for a new couple. So either a registry or "no boxed gifts" needs to be listed.

My husband and I are both South Asian, but newsflash DCUM, it's not a monolith. We did two different invitations- for my side and my husband's side. "No boxed gifts" on mine, nothing on his, since "no boxed gifts" would have been taboo in his family and like I said registries are tacky. My MIL was inundated with calls about what to buy us as a gift.

The checks from my side gave us a very nice cushion to start out with- the remainder my student loans paid off, the rest into a Vanguard account that's been growing money for the past 15 years.



Lot of sweeping generalizations here ....... and I certainly agree with the PP who wrote that paying your college debt is the farthest thing from my mind when I give a wedding gift. What is next? Pay-off credit card bills?
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:42     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As tacky as the request is, cash is easier anyway. Or a gift card.


In communities where cash is thought of as tacky, the ease of giving it is part of the reason. It takes very little thought to write a check. It shows more caring and love toward a couple to spend time thinking about what they might like and then giving that to them. There is no sentiment attached to cash. Cash is what you give to people you don't know very well and with whom you are not close.


Really akin to giving to a charity. Intended to help someone but absolutely impersonal since you don't know who it is going to help. And this is not how a wedding gift should be given.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:39     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are they Asian? I'm married to an Asian and giving money at weddings is considered normal (gifts for a wedding are sort of odd in some Asian cultures!).

If you like them, go and give money. If you don't like them, decline the invitation.

But be aware that "tackiness" is culture-specific


or go, and don't give them anything. gifts are optional, remember.


This is what I would do. If you don't want what I was going to give you, then you get nothing.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:38     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Am curious: if this is a South Asian cultural thing, is it normal to ask for cash at other celebratory occasions, such as a birthday, etc?


I've seen money as the primary gift given at most "cultural" weddings that I've attended (Indian, Chinese, Italian, Jewish). However, I've only seen the phrase "no boxed gifts" on South Asian invites. I wonder why.


Pretty obvious: they are making it abundantly clear they want cash.

The PP who said that the type of gift is something the giver decides and should not be dictated by the recipient nailed it and that is why the "no boxed gifts" instruction comes across as tacky and offensive.

With a wedding registry, it states some preferred items but guests still have the option of giving something else, including cash.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:37     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll see all of your "tackiness" and raise you a friend who started a Go Fund Me account to pay for her wedding. Serious as a heart attack about this.


Ohhh, link please?!


I'm not PP but I recently attended an old friend's wedding reception and they requested contributions to their "Honey-fund" for their trip to Europe for the wedding/honeymoon, which took place weeks before the reception.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:36     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


If cash is the polite gift, then it seems like there is no need to spell it out.

I'll tell you what I'm not doing -- I'm not paying off someone's student loans. Ugh.


No gift is expected, it's IF you would like to give a gift then no boxed gift. Cash, check, gift card, that sort of thing would be better.

As far as not wanting to help a new couple get out of debt, that's fine. But please understand that the cultural mentality is different with South Asians. We would be happy knowing that we helped a young couple start out more financially secure. It would be better than a new set of champagne glasses.

You are in no way obligated to give a cash/check/gift card gift. You don't have to take give a gift at all and the family will be just as happy that you are celebrating the wedding with them. If you really feel the need to take a toaster or whatever, please go ahead and do so. No one will give you the side eye as we know it's not your culture.



Hmm. I'm South Asian and married a white American. We had a registry because my husband's family wanted us to put one up. The majority of our South Asian guests bought off the registry. I wouldn't say this is a "cultural" thing.


Well that's because you had a registry. Of course their going to buy off of it if that's the gift option your giving.

We are very aware that it is more customary in American culture to do registries and if you were marrying a white American it would be seen as normal for you to have one. So the polite thing to do then would be to send a gift from the registry, since that's the culture of your spouse.

And all of South Asia doesn't do things the same, I stated that earlier when I explained how my dh and I had two different wedding invitations because of the way gifts are given. The South Asian culture from his region is different from the South Asian culture in my region.

Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:35     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The registry is so that people know your china/silver patterns or it's for people who would like a suggestion. People are not required to use it, indeed they are not required to get you a gift at all! So many ungrateful, entitled people here.


Saying cash gifts only, or no boxed gifts is also just giving people an idea of what you'd like. Its not a demand for gifts, just saying if you'd like to give one, this is what we would like. Absolutely no different than a registry. If a registry was just for matching China patterns they'd be a lot shorter.
m

For the hundredth time, putting registry info on the invitation is ALSO TACKY.



Legit question- how do guests know where you're registered?


Ask the parents of the couple
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:33     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:I'll see all of your "tackiness" and raise you a friend who started a Go Fund Me account to pay for her wedding. Serious as a heart attack about this.


Ohhh, link please?!
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:32     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Am curious: if this is a South Asian cultural thing, is it normal to ask for cash at other celebratory occasions, such as a birthday, etc?


I've seen money as the primary gift given at most "cultural" weddings that I've attended (Indian, Chinese, Italian, Jewish). However, I've only seen the phrase "no boxed gifts" on South Asian invites. I wonder why.


Forgot to include Filipino and Thai weddings as well.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:31     Subject: Re:Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:Am curious: if this is a South Asian cultural thing, is it normal to ask for cash at other celebratory occasions, such as a birthday, etc?


I've seen money as the primary gift given at most "cultural" weddings that I've attended (Indian, Chinese, Italian, Jewish). However, I've only seen the phrase "no boxed gifts" on South Asian invites. I wonder why.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:30     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:As tacky as the request is, cash is easier anyway. Or a gift card.


In communities where cash is thought of as tacky, the ease of giving it is part of the reason. It takes very little thought to write a check. It shows more caring and love toward a couple to spend time thinking about what they might like and then giving that to them. There is no sentiment attached to cash. Cash is what you give to people you don't know very well and with whom you are not close.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 15:27     Subject: Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"
Anonymous wrote:


If cash is the polite gift, then it seems like there is no need to spell it out.

I'll tell you what I'm not doing -- I'm not paying off someone's student loans. Ugh.


No gift is expected, it's IF you would like to give a gift then no boxed gift. Cash, check, gift card, that sort of thing would be better.

As far as not wanting to help a new couple get out of debt, that's fine. But please understand that the cultural mentality is different with South Asians. We would be happy knowing that we helped a young couple start out more financially secure. It would be better than a new set of champagne glasses.

You are in no way obligated to give a cash/check/gift card gift. You don't have to take give a gift at all and the family will be just as happy that you are celebrating the wedding with them. If you really feel the need to take a toaster or whatever, please go ahead and do so. No one will give you the side eye as we know it's not your culture.



Hmm. I'm South Asian and married a white American. We had a registry because my husband's family wanted us to put one up. The majority of our South Asian guests bought off the registry. I wouldn't say this is a "cultural" thing.