Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A nice three bedroom apt? $2000. You don't need doormen or hot and cold running servants. So if that's the extra, then half is $500. You can do nice 3 bed for that in San diego so surely you can do it in Houston.

No, you cannot do that for a nice place in San Diego.

In the complex hat I live in. Spacious, green space, pool, spa and fitness Center. My friends who live in smaller complexes pay less. Sorry, I'm doing it.

So your kids run around in your "green space" ? How are your schools? Do you flush each time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A nice three bedroom apt? $2000. You don't need doormen or hot and cold running servants. So if that's the extra, then half is $500. You can do nice 3 bed for that in San diego so surely you can do it in Houston.

No, you cannot do that for a nice place in San Diego.

In the complex hat I live in. Spacious, green space, pool, spa and fitness Center. My friends who live in smaller complexes pay less. Sorry, I'm doing it.

Anonymous wrote:
She knew he had kids and an ex-wife when she married him. No she doesn't get to complain. It's like buying a used car and being mad it has problems.

THIS.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but mom isn't getting a free ride here. She's suppos to pay half....bedding lasts for years, or it does if you take care of it. Even if shoes are $60 a pair, one pair of shoes works for at least 6 months. Kids don't need more than 7-8 outfits and they last a school year. You-all buy kids everything they ask for and then complain about how much it costs.

And thank you flyover country.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. The PPs who are attacking OP for being petty and cheap are the ones who don't get it. Blended families are hard on everyone -- the kids, the remarried spouse, the ex and the step-parent. Do you people really not understand that plenty of ex-wives pull crap like this on purpose?? Is it really that unreasonable for OP to feel so frustrated and disrespected?? So before you defend the ex and eviscerate OP, have enough sense to realize how difficult these situations can be.

OP - it sounds like you and your husband do a lot for his kids, and that's wonderful. It's not easy being a step-parent -- it's often a thankless job and even if you do just as much as a biological parent, you often don't get the same joys and special moments that come with raising children which can offset the difficult side of parenting. On top of that, you have to deal with an ex, who may be manipulative and difficult, maybe because she's still pissed at your husband over the divorce, or because she doesn't like you or feels threatened by your role in her kids' lives. While I completely understand your frustration with the ex, from a practical standpoint, there may not be much you can do about it short of going back to court to force her to pay up (doubt she would voluntarily pay if you kept a running tab or exchanged receipts) or going to court/mediation to renegotiate the terms of the custody order. That's often more trouble than it's worth, especially if that means the amount of monthly support you currently pay could increase (I have no idea whether it would and won't opine on that). In the end, you may have to accept the fact that the amount you and your husband pay may never be "equal" to what the ex pays. It will probably never feel "fair" to you, even if, in theory, it should be fair. It probably doesn't make you feel better now, but you're doing a good thing by providing so much for the kids and they are the ones most affected by all of this. Hang in there.

She knew he had kids and an ex-wife when she married him. No she doesnt get to complain. It's like buying a used car and being mad it has problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14,13 and 9 mean no daycare fees. I can feed a family of 4 for an easy $700 a month. Considering mom eats too, I'd go $500 for kid food. Say $500 as housing, and how in hell do you spend $500 a month on clothes for kids? Given that mom is supposed to cover half, health insurance is already taken care of, and he pays half of sports----the goal here is not for biomom to have everything paid for.

Maybe, just maybe, the kids need to scale back on crap. They don't need so much shit anyway, it's bad for them.

And sending kids to the other parent without a heads up about lice is a dick move.

You forgot alot.
Sanitary pads and tampons, cramp medicine , toothpaste, deodrant, gas for the car, car fees (insurance), phones (even if only for 911), light, air gas,
shampoo, laundry detergent, water bill, bedding, books, magzines, school fees, internet, bus money, lunch, lunch money, thats 500 in "extras" for one kid if you ask me
aspirin, band aids, cold medicine, tissues, toilet paper, do I need to go on?

Motrin is $5 for a giant bottle at Target. I raised 3 kids in a 1250 sq foot house and we were all happy. With 3, at least 2 are the same sex and can share a room. Lunch can come from home. Internet? $45 a month and that splits between 4 people's usage. Mom would be driving anyway, so....ditto the utility bills, which don't go up significantly when you add extra people. Mom would be paying nearly that much to exist on her own, and if she lets the kids take 20 minute showers she's the fool. Kids don't need and shouldn't have magazines and junk on a routine basis.

Water bills increase significantly, if your family takes daily baths. They live in Texas, so I imagine they are showering at least twice a day minimum. But, yes it has been mentioned that many DCUM people are afraid of baths and showers and like for others to smell their funk. As for gas, I suppose you don't drive your kids to activities, that adds up for people who actually drive and take their kids to places.

Technically, they don't always have to flush the toilet. If it yellow let it mellow.

OP, I totally get it. I really do. Your later posts are much more charitable toward the ex-wife, but I don't think she deserves it -- being so manipulative and setting the kids up to think that their dad doesn't care about them is an emotionally abusive, dick move. She is not a good mother by that measure at least.

If I were you, I'd actually be incredibly frustrated by my husband. It would be completely and utterly unacceptable to me to have him sending her money every other day. How can you possibly budget for your household when money is disappearing willy nilly? Why is he being such a passive doormat? Did he end the marriage? Why does he feel so guilty? Why does he allow her to control him like that? THAT is what would be primarily unacceptable to me.

I didn't marry my DH until after my SD had graduated high school, but if I had a time machine and could go back what I would do is this, and this is what I would recommend to you:

Have your husband give each of his children an allowance -- recommended, their age in dollars a week. So the 13 year old gets $13/week. Deposit this into an online bank account. Require that 1/3 of it go to savings -- automatically deposit it into savings. The other 2/3 can be spent however the children want. The children can begin to save money for things. So if a $17 year old wants a $120 updo for prom, she can save her allowance or take on babysitting gigs or whatever, but she's not just going to get a last minute handout from Dad.

Break the habit of the last minute money transfers now or I promise you it will NOT end when the kids are 18.

Good luck- you sound like a good person and a good stepmom. You might find the book Stepmonster to be really helpful -- it's got a terrible title but it really helped me to understand how limited my role is and to focus on my relationship with my husband. In that regard, again, my focus would be on your husband, not his ex.

NP here. The PPs who are attacking OP for being petty and cheap are the ones who don't get it. Blended families are hard on everyone -- the kids, the remarried spouse, the ex and the step-parent. Do you people really not understand that plenty of ex-wives pull crap like this on purpose?? Is it really that unreasonable for OP to feel so frustrated and disrespected?? So before you defend the ex and eviscerate OP, have enough sense to realize how difficult these situations can be.

OP - it sounds like you and your husband do a lot for his kids, and that's wonderful. It's not easy being a step-parent -- it's often a thankless job and even if you do just as much as a biological parent, you often don't get the same joys and special moments that come with raising children which can offset the difficult side of parenting. On top of that, you have to deal with an ex, who may be manipulative and difficult, maybe because she's still pissed at your husband over the divorce, or because she doesn't like you or feels threatened by your role in her kids' lives. While I completely understand your frustration with the ex, from a practical standpoint, there may not be much you can do about it short of going back to court to force her to pay up (doubt she would voluntarily pay if you kept a running tab or exchanged receipts) or going to court/mediation to renegotiate the terms of the custody order. That's often more trouble than it's worth, especially if that means the amount of monthly support you currently pay could increase (I have no idea whether it would and won't opine on that). In the end, you may have to accept the fact that the amount you and your husband pay may never be "equal" to what the ex pays. It will probably never feel "fair" to you, even if, in theory, it should be fair. It probably doesn't make you feel better now, but you're doing a good thing by providing so much for the kids and they are the ones most affected by all of this. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my ex pays me $500 per month per kid. I would *never* do what your ex is doing. A parent should never try to make the kids feel bad about their dad (or mom). What the mom is saying to them is, "you could have that hairdo if your dad loved you enough to pay for it". Thus planting the seed that "dad doesn't love me". It's a very wrong, very bad thing to do.

I would have dad talk to the kids directly about what he can afford to contribute to extra curriculars beyond CS. Give each child a budget for extras. Want $60 for your hair do? That's three months of your "$20 a month of non-school related costs" or what have you.

Put the kids on a budget for HIS money (non child support/court ordered money that is) and let THEM negotiate how it is spent with mom.

Agree with this post. I actually don't think the biological mom is a very good mom if she's making such manipulative comments. What a despicable, hurtful thing to do.

+2 The problem here is that the biomom sounds manipulative. I don't know WTF all this hate is for the stepmom who sounds like she's doing a lot for the kids.

OP, I think you're a victim of "OP syndrome," where everyone jumps on a poster just to be contrary. If someone posted here that they couldn't understand why their kids' stepmom was upset that she sent them over there with lice and never mentioned it, DCUM would crucify her as a horrible parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14,13 and 9 mean no daycare fees. I can feed a family of 4 for an easy $700 a month. Considering mom eats too, I'd go $500 for kid food. Say $500 as housing, and how in hell do you spend $500 a month on clothes for kids? Given that mom is supposed to cover half, health insurance is already taken care of, and he pays half of sports----the goal here is not for biomom to have everything paid for.

Maybe, just maybe, the kids need to scale back on crap. They don't need so much shit anyway, it's bad for them.

And sending kids to the other parent without a heads up about lice is a dick move.

You forgot alot.
Sanitary pads and tampons, cramp medicine , toothpaste, deodrant, gas for the car, car fees (insurance), phones (even if only for 911), light, air gas,
shampoo, laundry detergent, water bill, bedding, books, magzines, school fees, internet, bus money, lunch, lunch money, thats 500 in "extras" for one kid if you ask me
aspirin, band aids, cold medicine, tissues, toilet paper, do I need to go on?

Motrin is $5 for a giant bottle at Target. I raised 3 kids in a 1250 sq foot house and we were all happy. With 3, at least 2 are the same sex and can share a room. Lunch can come from home. Internet? $45 a month and that splits between 4 people's usage. Mom would be driving anyway, so....ditto the utility bills, which don't go up significantly when you add extra people. Mom would be paying nearly that much to exist on her own, and if she lets the kids take 20 minute showers she's the fool. Kids don't need and shouldn't have magazines and junk on a routine basis.

The previous owners raised three kids in our 900 square foot house.

Wow, I am not understanding you posters. Mom and kids should live in a 900 house, while dad remarries and live in 2500+ square foot house with his new kid(s) and wife. Out with the old and in with the newer version.

Anonymous wrote:A nice three bedroom apt? $2000. You don't need doormen or hot and cold running servants. So if that's the extra, then half is $500. You can do nice 3 bed for that in San diego so surely you can do it in Houston.

No, you cannot do that for a nice place in San Diego.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14,13 and 9 mean no daycare fees. I can feed a family of 4 for an easy $700 a month. Considering mom eats too, I'd go $500 for kid food. Say $500 as housing, and how in hell do you spend $500 a month on clothes for kids? Given that mom is supposed to cover half, health insurance is already taken care of, and he pays half of sports----the goal here is not for biomom to have everything paid for.

Maybe, just maybe, the kids need to scale back on crap. They don't need so much shit anyway, it's bad for them.

And sending kids to the other parent without a heads up about lice is a dick move.

You forgot alot.
Sanitary pads and tampons, cramp medicine , toothpaste, deodrant, gas for the car, car fees (insurance), phones (even if only for 911), light, air gas,
shampoo, laundry detergent, water bill, bedding, books, magzines, school fees, internet, bus money, lunch, lunch money, thats 500 in "extras" for one kid if you ask me
aspirin, band aids, cold medicine, tissues, toilet paper, do I need to go on?

Motrin is $5 for a giant bottle at Target. I raised 3 kids in a 1250 sq foot house and we were all happy. With 3, at least 2 are the same sex and can share a room. Lunch can come from home. Internet? $45 a month and that splits between 4 people's usage. Mom would be driving anyway, so....ditto the utility bills, which don't go up significantly when you add extra people. Mom would be paying nearly that much to exist on her own, and if she lets the kids take 20 minute showers she's the fool. Kids don't need and shouldn't have magazines and junk on a routine basis.

Water bills increase significantly, if your family takes daily baths. They live in Texas, so I imagine they are showering at least twice a day minimum. But, yes it has been mentioned that many DCUM people are afraid of baths and showers and like for others to smell their funk. As for gas, I suppose you don't drive your kids to activities, that adds up for people who actually drive and take their kids to places.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but mom isn't getting a free ride here. She's suppos to pay half....bedding lasts for years, or it does if you take care of it. Even if shoes are $60 a pair, one pair of shoes works for at least 6 months. Kids don't need more than 7-8 outfits and they last a school year. You-all buy kids everything they ask for and then complain about how much it costs.

My kid's shoes last 3 months if I am lucky. I actually have a kid that acts like a kid and don't sit in a corner, so between rough wearing and growing feet, I say three months.

She had three kids too....

Wow. A lot of people here are trying to justify Nickel and diming the ex wife. Just because you want to shove your kids in the same bedroom, buy em new sheets every ten years, and feed them a crap diet, doesn't mean everyone else should have to. Just because you live on a meager amount and cut coupons doesn't mean this ex wife is obligated to my. My God.