Anonymous
Post 07/13/2014 09:27     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
I got married young so it wasn't an issue at my own wedding; no babies and the few kids there were 10+. Over the years we've been invited to no-kids weddings and handled it differently depending on where our kids were developmentally at the time, and where we were emotionally/developmentally as parents. We weren't thrilled at the idea of our firstborn snowflake being watched during a family wedding by a stranger (provided by the bride's family), so we just didn't go. A few years later, we took our two young kids to an out of town wedding and paid a fortune for a nanny from an agency to hang out in the hotel with them.

I think the ideal solution would be for kids to be invited/not expressly forbidden, and for parents not to be idiots and leave early with them or decide for themselves whether they want to get sitters, etc. (One bride said she wanted no kids so their "parents can enjoy themselves." Hard for parents to enjoy themselves if they're worried sick -- all I'm sayin'.)
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2014 07:53     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's just a sign of the selfishness and "me" culture of today. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations of union that you host for your family and friends, not a fete spotlighting the bridezilla. Sometime in the past 10 years or so, Americans have lost sight of that and now it's all "me, me, me!" at weddings -- god forbid a family member is not old enough to be "up to snuff," they will be disinvited.

It's really sad, but whatever. I am lucky that I don't have any friends who are horrible narcissists. I just skip weddings of relatives who have done this. Clearly my family's presence doesn't matter to them, as long as enough people show up that they can be the center of attention, I can't imagine they even care.



You're right. It's not all about you and your baby (and I say this as a parent). Some people want adult only weddings, some want wild everyone included affairs. It's up to the bride and groom to decide based on their lives, wants, and family traditions. People can want different things.


No, what is selfish is to assume that just because you chose to have a family, that everyone needs to cater to you and your small children. You have lots of options. You can leave your children with family, even if that family is also out of town (my sister-in-law has volunteered for us to drop the kids off at her place while we go to an out-of-town event and if it was logistically possible, we'd do that). You can take your child and tag off and on, one go to the wedding. One goes to the beginning of the reception while the other takes the kid to Bob Evans or Chik-Fil-A or some other place for a couple of hours, then comes to the wedding and switch and the other takes the kid to the hotel to put to bed and the later partner gets a ride back to the hotel. My MIL has volunteered a couple of times to come with us, fly to our house, then ride with us to an event and she'd stay in the hotel with the kids while we go to an event and come back. I've been in towns where I look for a professional nanny service that does background checks and will hire a professional nanny that I can interview over the phone and can speak to before we leave. We get a suite hotel and then I have her come about an hour or so before we have to leave so that we can watch her watching the kids while we finish getting ready to go and that the kids get a transition before we leave. Or you can send your regrets and stay home.

Even though I have kids and we have no family local, I find it very selfish that so many people with kids rant about events that are not "family friendly". There is a whole world out there of family friendly events. I go to those and I pick and choose the adult restricted events that I go to and if the logistics don't work, I don't go. If I want to go, I figure out what logistics will make it work. That's part of the choice I made when I had a family. It's not a bride & groom's responsibility to accommodate the family I chose to have.

I agree to a point with the first PP above. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations of union that you host for your family and friends. But that does not necessarily have to include young children who will behave as young children do. And even the best of children have meltdowns, need to run off energy or generally need to talk or play. And they don't understand the limitations of a location such as a wedding. Plus, some catering companies or banquet halls include children in their head counts. I've seen plenty of folks that have a wedding on Saturday with adult reception and then a family brunch or something on Sunday before folks head back out of town that is open to all ages. The children can celebrate just as easily and probably better at a brunch with a family friendly setting than they can in a ballroom with fancy food and no play space.


I heart you. I wholeheartedly agree. Very well said!!


Sorry, but I can't take a grown adult seriously who says stuff like this.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2014 04:46     Subject: No-kid weddings
I said no kids. This included DHs nieces and nephews and my cousins who were under 18. I just didn't want kids. I'm not really much of a kid person (other people's kids - I have 2 of my own). I would never be offended at the no kids rule.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2014 01:54     Subject: No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've ever seen a kid at a wedding. Definitely no kids at receptions. All if the wedding receptions I've been to were formal sit down dinners that lasted until 11 pm or later. They were not kid friendly events at all.


Me too. Surprised so many people have been to so many weddings with kids. Almost all the weddings i have attended were kid-free affairs except sometimes the immediate family or a couple flower girls at the reception. Most were in a mahor metropolitan area, start right around bedtime for most small kids, at venues that cost $$ per person, plated dinners, per seat costs for decorations, apps, and flowers. So.....cant even imagine doubling that cost and size with everyone's kids. And yes, most have been cocktail party type events. Maybe other posters have attended weddings in less expensive areas that are more casual?


Even the fanciest of weddings I've been to have included children. The bride was the 9th of 10 kids and had about 50 nieces and nephews at the time and there was no way they weren't attending. They hired several second and third cousins, who weren't invited, to put the littlest ones to bed and play movies for the others should they become cranky. No fussy kids ruining anything.
The groom was the oldest of five and had no nieces and nephews of his own. During the wedding a kid behind me, maybe four years old, kept asking if the groom was his uncle yet. It was really cute and probably the only thing I actually remember from the ceremony.

I haven't been to a wedding in years. All siblings and cousins are married or confirmed bachelors and the eldest of our next generation are 19.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 23:17     Subject: No-kid weddings
Brining a baby to an adult wedding is kind of like this: "You have a baby! In a bar!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3p4wDksnVw

Some events just are not for children. The day belongs to the bride and groom, like it or not. If you have a problem with that, you likely have a problem with anything else that doesn't make your snowflake the center of attention.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 23:06     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
Sometimes child-free weddings are that way because of pure chance. We were one of the first of our friends to get married and none of our relatives had children. One family that had one child was invited, but they were not able to attend. My pre-child life was really free of children! Now many of our friends and family members have kids, so if we had gotten married a decade later it'd be a different story.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 23:02     Subject: No-kid weddings
I'd already be paying for a hotel room, a couple tanks of gas (I won't even discuss getting on a plane if my kid is not invited), a gift, probably a dress...and THEN another $100+ for a nanny I've never met? Seriously, that's not pocket change for most people.

I would hope if I were asked to be an attendant, the bride would be kind enough to cover that expense for me if she decides I can't bring my child but she expects ME to be there. Otherwise, there is NO ONE I'm going to go to all that trouble for.

I will decline the invitation, wish bride and groom the best and go on about my life.

I do have to agree it sucks when you're told no kids can come yet you show up and a LOT of exceptions seem to be made and you followed "the rules"
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:55     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's just a sign of the selfishness and "me" culture of today. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations of union that you host for your family and friends, not a fete spotlighting the bridezilla. Sometime in the past 10 years or so, Americans have lost sight of that and now it's all "me, me, me!" at weddings -- god forbid a family member is not old enough to be "up to snuff," they will be disinvited.

It's really sad, but whatever. I am lucky that I don't have any friends who are horrible narcissists. I just skip weddings of relatives who have done this. Clearly my family's presence doesn't matter to them, as long as enough people show up that they can be the center of attention, I can't imagine they even care.



You're right. It's not all about you and your baby (and I say this as a parent). Some people want adult only weddings, some want wild everyone included affairs. It's up to the bride and groom to decide based on their lives, wants, and family traditions. People can want different things.


No, what is selfish is to assume that just because you chose to have a family, that everyone needs to cater to you and your small children. You have lots of options. You can leave your children with family, even if that family is also out of town (my sister-in-law has volunteered for us to drop the kids off at her place while we go to an out-of-town event and if it was logistically possible, we'd do that). You can take your child and tag off and on, one go to the wedding. One goes to the beginning of the reception while the other takes the kid to Bob Evans or Chik-Fil-A or some other place for a couple of hours, then comes to the wedding and switch and the other takes the kid to the hotel to put to bed and the later partner gets a ride back to the hotel. My MIL has volunteered a couple of times to come with us, fly to our house, then ride with us to an event and she'd stay in the hotel with the kids while we go to an event and come back. I've been in towns where I look for a professional nanny service that does background checks and will hire a professional nanny that I can interview over the phone and can speak to before we leave. We get a suite hotel and then I have her come about an hour or so before we have to leave so that we can watch her watching the kids while we finish getting ready to go and that the kids get a transition before we leave. Or you can send your regrets and stay home.

Even though I have kids and we have no family local, I find it very selfish that so many people with kids rant about events that are not "family friendly". There is a whole world out there of family friendly events. I go to those and I pick and choose the adult restricted events that I go to and if the logistics don't work, I don't go. If I want to go, I figure out what logistics will make it work. That's part of the choice I made when I had a family. It's not a bride & groom's responsibility to accommodate the family I chose to have.

I agree to a point with the first PP above. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations of union that you host for your family and friends. But that does not necessarily have to include young children who will behave as young children do. And even the best of children have meltdowns, need to run off energy or generally need to talk or play. And they don't understand the limitations of a location such as a wedding. Plus, some catering companies or banquet halls include children in their head counts. I've seen plenty of folks that have a wedding on Saturday with adult reception and then a family brunch or something on Sunday before folks head back out of town that is open to all ages. The children can celebrate just as easily and probably better at a brunch with a family friendly setting than they can in a ballroom with fancy food and no play space.


I heart you. I wholeheartedly agree. Very well said!!
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:45     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:It's just a sign of the selfishness and "me" culture of today. Weddings are supposed to be celebrations of union that you host for your family and friends, not a fete spotlighting the bridezilla. Sometime in the past 10 years or so, Americans have lost sight of that and now it's all "me, me, me!" at weddings -- god forbid a family member is not old enough to be "up to snuff," they will be disinvited.

It's really sad, but whatever. I am lucky that I don't have any friends who are horrible narcissists. I just skip weddings of relatives who have done this. Clearly my family's presence doesn't matter to them, as long as enough people show up that they can be the center of attention, I can't imagine they even care.


After we booked our location, I took my mother in law to show her and she realized the outside area which overlooked a lake had deck railings that were unsafe for kids. The lake also up was not secure and we were afraid of a an accidental drowning. We asked for no kids to attend.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:42     Subject: No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to leave my kid with some random stranger in a town I don't live in just so I can go to a wedding?


While I agree it is wise to be careful, you can go overboard. I have twice had to leave my children with professional nannies that I did not know beforehand. In both cases, I Googled the city where we were going and looked for a professional nanny service that included temporary nannies. In both cases, I got a professional child care professional who had many years experience, a full resume, a list of references I could call if necessary, and a full background check. Both nannies had been employees of the firm for some time (one for 12 years, one for 7 years) so they had stability with the service and something to lose if they didn't perform well. One only took temporary assignments (she had another job and this was used to augment the family income). The other was a full-time nanny who had been between positions (she had completed a 3 year tenure with a family whose children were now going to grade school and they no longer needed a nanny). Now I understand that many small towns may not have such services, but sometimes a random child care provider can be trustworthy. Also, note that many times resort hotels that provide a sitter service also have sitters who are long-term employees and not just random people off the street.

Another possibility is more and more large cities have drop-in daycares springing up. I've also used drop-in daycares a couple of times in cities that we don't live. One even has evening hours on Friday and Saturday night specifically for "date nights". A number of kids are left there so that parents can have a much needed child-free night.

Anonymous wrote:Hey good for you, but I'm not stupid enough to leave my 15 month old with a 14 year old. Is that even legal?


There are alternatives to that. That isn't the only option you have. The point is that with the help of Google, you can now find appropriate child care services in many out-of-town locations that may give you the option to attend a child-free wedding.


Unless it is a very good friend, I just wouldn't do this for a wedding. And I have no problem with babysitters at all. But for a social event that isn't someone I am super close to, no thanks.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:34     Subject: No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to leave my kid with some random stranger in a town I don't live in just so I can go to a wedding?


While I agree it is wise to be careful, you can go overboard. I have twice had to leave my children with professional nannies that I did not know beforehand. In both cases, I Googled the city where we were going and looked for a professional nanny service that included temporary nannies. In both cases, I got a professional child care professional who had many years experience, a full resume, a list of references I could call if necessary, and a full background check. Both nannies had been employees of the firm for some time (one for 12 years, one for 7 years) so they had stability with the service and something to lose if they didn't perform well. One only took temporary assignments (she had another job and this was used to augment the family income). The other was a full-time nanny who had been between positions (she had completed a 3 year tenure with a family whose children were now going to grade school and they no longer needed a nanny). Now I understand that many small towns may not have such services, but sometimes a random child care provider can be trustworthy. Also, note that many times resort hotels that provide a sitter service also have sitters who are long-term employees and not just random people off the street.

Another possibility is more and more large cities have drop-in daycares springing up. I've also used drop-in daycares a couple of times in cities that we don't live. One even has evening hours on Friday and Saturday night specifically for "date nights". A number of kids are left there so that parents can have a much needed child-free night.

Anonymous wrote:Hey good for you, but I'm not stupid enough to leave my 15 month old with a 14 year old. Is that even legal?


There are alternatives to that. That isn't the only option you have. The point is that with the help of Google, you can now find appropriate child care services in many out-of-town locations that may give you the option to attend a child-free wedding.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:29     Subject: No-kid weddings
I have no problem with kid free weddings, if the couple has no problem with me declining the invitation of its an out of town wedding. I can't afford to fly to the ceremony and fly grandma to home or wedding to be childcare.

I like the idea of the couple hiring a babysitter or two for the evening, and putting on a movie and ordering pizzas for the kids. Sounds like a win for everyone that way.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:18     Subject: No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think its narcissistic to think that your kids belong at every event. You wouldn't expect to bring them to a cocktail party, which is essentially what a wedding is.

I see no problem with it. If you can't be apart from your kids for 4 hours, that's a problem.


I find this thinking so odd. To me, a wedding is an event in which your loved ones - regardless of age- celebrate with you. NOT essentially 'a cocktail party.' I've gone to plenty of events and overnight trips with DH without kids so I'm not some mom attached to my kids 24/7.


Do you go to cheap weddings or expensive ones? I waited until my mid 30s to get married. Sorry but I'm not interested in someone's 5 year old running loose on the dance floor. There is a place and time for kids. If you have a laid back cheap outdoor or casual wedding sure invite kids. A formal affair? Not appropriate.

You sound about as fun as a barrel of monkeys. Is your idea of a good time table service at some eurotrash bar?



NP here. My friends brought their uninvited 5yo to the wedding because she wanted to see a wedding. I had provided babysitting, movies, and dinner but they decided she should come to the wedding anyway. She stuck her fingers in the wedding cake while her parents laughed. The other guests (who told me about it) were horrified. This kind of behavior, and the narcissism of special snowflake's parents is exactly why I didn't want kids. It seems fewer people want to discipline their kids sometimes.


The bolded alone suggests that you did your part and nobody normal would be upset you didn't invite children. Your friend was selfish.

That said, I was worked up before my wedding about all the details, but the day of I was in such a happy place that I can't imagine caring about the cake, my hair, my dress, or really anything. maybe it's short sighted, but I feel bad for people who are still hung up on details the day of. It was just pure happiness for me. If kids cried, my cake got smushed, or my dress got stained (it did and was even wrinkled before I walked down the aisle) I wouldn't have cared.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:15     Subject: No-kid weddings
Anonymous wrote:My cousin got married several years ago and it was a "no kid" wedding. I had a two month old nursing infant and two older kids. She kept saying that she was looking forward to seeing me, etc, etc. What an adventure it would be for the older kids to babysit their baby brother in the hotel room while we celebrated downstairs. I told her there was no way I'd leave a 12 and 9 year old with their baby brother with no way to feed him. Her big concern was adding 3 more guests to the "expense list" for meals. I finally told it wouldn't be possible for baby and I to attend (the older two never had planned on wanting to come).
My parents went to the wedding/reception. Guess what? A buttload of kids everywhere! My kids ARE well behaved (I know everybody says this) and she hadn't even met 2 of the three. Of course it got back to me and the other cousins that didn't go b/c of kids that she straight up lied to us about it being a "no kid" wedding.
Fast forward 3 years when her brother got married. Again, we're told its kid free with certain exceptions---I was now nursing another newborn. My Aunt was all over the cousins begging them to come, she was trying to right the wrong of 3 years earlier. Um, no thanks. I sent a card and gift from the registry with my parents instead.
What I'm saying is, make your wedding kid-free if you want, don't be pissed when you have effectively excluded some of your guests and for fecks sake, don't invite kids from some families and not others if you don't want family to find out that you really didn't mean kid free


Ugh.. Totally agree. I am fine with a no kid wedding. And fine with no kid except immediate family, nursing babies, or some obvious rule. But nothing annoys me more than going through leaps and bounds to abide by the rules without being a PITA guest (which has involved flying in a family memnver to warch the kids so we can attend the event), only to find that there were many many exceptions made. If im shelling out a few hundred dollars for extended childcare, i dont want to sit at a table full of kids whose parents dient bother to do the same. Either invite kids or dont. But make up your mind.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2014 22:13     Subject: Re:No-kid weddings
I married at 25, and we had a no-kid wedding. Ceremony was at 6pm, reception began at 7:30pm, and dinner was at 8:30pm. It was not a child friendly event. We didn't make any effort to make it a child-friendly event because of all our friends and immediate family (I'm including cousins here), only two had children (a 3 year old and two infants), both were local to the wedding, and both had local family who could watch the children. Some of my parents' neighbors and work colleagues (all local) that were invited had children <18 yrs old, but neither I nor my parents felt any obligation to invite those kids - most of whom we'd never met. We did, however, invite all the parents and siblings of our entire bridal party, and every unmarried guest was invited to bring a date. If I had to do it again under the same circumstances, I wouldn't change a thing about who we invited/didn't invite.