Anonymous wrote:Wow. Posting in "special needs" because your daughter is of average intelligence? Lady, your kid sounds normal and actually quite gifted in some ways (beautiful, extroverted, social skills, born into a well off family). You need to dial back the judgment and hovering and let her take off as an adult. It sounds like you can afford to help her with college, so do that - focus on getting her into a college that she can graduate from and is a good fit. There is still a massive wage gap between college and no college. After that, chill the fuck out and let go.

Anonymous wrote:I realize that this is an odd post. And I feel odd saying that.

But here's the god honest truth: our daughter has always appeared to us to be just NOT like our two sons. Both our sons are whip smart-straight A's honors, AP, etc.

Our daughter is just NOT.

We've had her tested independently, the outcome said she has "low average intelligence". Then school tested her, and the result was the same: low average. it didn't surprise us.

So the news isn't awful-she's average, just on the low side of average.

Here's my struggle. First, I come from a family of above averages. My boys are above average. My experience is with school/academic focused lives.

I am totally and completely fine with her being low average (there has to be a spectrum, right? otherwise we would be all the same!)

But I don't really know what to do with her. its like I am raising an alien. She's 16 now, so I am thinking about things for her like will she go to college? (In my life, college was NOT optional. And my brain tells me no one can possibly support themselves without a college degree--can they??) She wants to go to college, but I worry...she needs SO much support from us now just to get through high school. How the heck will she manage college?

And then my mind wanders: how will she support herself in general? I try to ask her at times what she is interested in, what does she like, what does she enjoy. She also has inattentive ADHD, so that coupled with her personality, I know she wouldn't be able to do a corporate job. But at 16, she really has no clue what she wants to do. She knows she likes planning things (parties etc) but she isn't detail oriented, so things like event management would be a disaster I think.

This really isn't a post asking for opinions about what she could do for a career--what I am really asking is, does anyone else have a kid who just plain isn't that smart? And how do you approach dealing with them? I feel like my mind needs to open into other possibilities for her (other than the going away to college/graduating and going into corporate America track my boys will surely follow). But I don't even know what those other tracks are.

I'm feeling a little lost. She's 16 years old and I feel as clueless about her future as she does. And I feel horrible as a parent posting something saying "my kid isn't smart", thank god this forum is anonymous!!!!

Anonymous wrote:She will be fine. There are plenty, I mean PLENTY of low average people in jobs all over corporate America. Living in the DC area where people are so competitive and achievement oriented gives you a skewed sense of what kind of life someone should strive for.

Here are some career options that aren't super lucrative but that can be fulfilling and people I know in these careers have good and happy lives.

1. Is she fashionable and into clothing? There are careers in retail. I used to work in corporate HR for a large, well respected retail company. She could get into retail management. Most of the managers I dealt with there were low average intelligence. Sure, she will always have to work black Friday and the day after Christmas, but it isn't so bad.

2. Nursery School teacher, if she likes children. The nursery teachers I know are incredibly happy with their jobs and vary widely in range of intelligence. Some went to smaller regional colleges and some have advanced degrees from Ivy League schools. The one thing they all have in common is that little people truly make them happy and they love helping them meet developmental milestones and love teaching them how to socialize with peers. It isn't rocket science if you have good management and a strong educational foundation.

3. Dental Hygenist. Check out the median pay: http://www.bls.gov/ooh/healthcare/dental-hygienists.htm
She doesn't even need a BA, though, if your family has the means, she should certainly have one.

4.Property Management. I have friends from high school who work for property management companies in various sales and admin roles. They make between 60-75k and some are of low average intelligence and they are successful and happy. They will never be the big boss and they are ok with that.

If she needs a lot of support, find her a smaller college (not a party place though - avoid cities like New Orleans, Charleston, etc) where she will have individual attention and professors who will encourage her.

Some colleges to consider (that aren't too far from here):

Lynchburg College
McDaniel College
Goucher College
Lycoming College
Hood College

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allied Health Fields (nurse, nursing assistant, Physical Therapy assistant, etc).

I would really not recommend nursing for someone with a "low average" IQ. The science prereqs will sink her. I've watched it sink a number of people at the local community college. A nurse has to get through Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry, and Statistics or College Algebra.

Anonymous wrote:Allied Health Fields (nurse, nursing assistant, Physical Therapy assistant, etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be surprised by what she ends up capable of doing. I have an adopted brother who sounds similar: low average intelligence, plus some LDs. He struggled at a state college but made it through and now is doing incredibly well in a job where his empathy and people skills really matter. Some similar issues for him, in that everyone else in the family is a super-high-achiever, ivy league schools and tall that. But he is happy and making a very decent income for someone his age. Not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, but i wouldn't asume your DD won't similarly be able to find a niche in which she is happy and self-supporting and contributing to th world...

Okay here we go, this is what I am looking for!! SO can you tell me, do you know how your adopted brother navigated his options when he was about to graduate high school? How did he decide between college/no college/community college/working, taking a year off, etc...did he use school guidance counselors, or talk to people at colleges, or what?
This is my point, I just don't know where to go to look. I come from a long line of educator parents (teachers and professors) and siblings who just knew the path that was required from the age of about 5!!! It wasn't a question, it was a given.

OP, this is the PP who wrote about my younger brother. He does tend to rely heavily on family for advice and moral support-- i don't know how open your DD is to your advice, but my brother has always been pretty open to taking advice from his family. My parents really pushed him to go to college and get a four year degree. In some ways I've often thought they pushed him too hard academically, but-- he made it, with a lot of assistance from them and from his college's learning support center. He made extensive use of their tutoring services, counseling, etc. The toughest thing for him were the math and language requirements-- he ended up withdrawing from those classes a few times because he was failing, and he finished college in five years as a result. But he kept at it. He is now in a public sector social services job-- he works with at-risk kids. He struggled a bit initially with all the paperwork requirements, whuch are very heavy, but he really loves working with kids and I think he has a lot of insight and empathy, as well as a huge commitment to helping.

I have actually also often thought he might be a good fit for some military jobs-- not as an officer, perhaps, becuase there too you need to be very on top of details to succeed-- but in some specialized enlisted roles, eg, Navy or some such: needless to say, the military has chefs, photographers, mechanics, medical assistants, you name it in addition to people in combat fields, He likes and needs structure, likes and needs feeling like he is part of a team, etc. He just wasn't interested in going in that direction, though.

I sometimes think my parents should have let him make his own mistakes more. I watched from a distance and sometimes felt they just did not give him enough credit: they were so convinced he would fail if they did not tightly control and support him that they would never let him go out on any limbs. Sometimes I felt that they should just give him more space to do things his way. Maybe he would have failed, but so what? He would learn form his mistakes. And maybe he would have surprised them by succeeding.

With your DD, does she have thoughts of her own about what she wants and likes? It may be that you just need to ease up: let her guide you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she misses so much school because of her illness, how is she going to work with her chronic condition?

You need to consider whether she will be able to work at all, or whether she will need to start collecting SSDI as an adult. If she is unable to work because of a condition that started in her childhood, she can draw against your SSI contributions as an adult. You need to begin documenting this now, though, and you probably need to talk to a Social Security attorney.

We cant know that she will be able to work, but we can only move forward. We know the deal with SSI already, we aren't ignorant to that possibility.

She's on some pretty hard core drugs that if we can get juggled correctly, might make her number of days in the hospital fewer. Just no telling really. We are cautiously optimistic. We do know from the area organization for this illness that plenty of adults are able to work.

Anonymous wrote:I was often told I was "not smart" by teachers in elementary and junior high school. However, my parents were always supportive of me. I am very successful now in my chosen career. I also went to a good university, and received an B.S. and M.A.

(IMO)... Do not underestimate the importance of passion, perseverance, and a "good personality" to help pave the way towards a successful future. I know plenty of "smart" people who are floundering through life because they are lacking other key personality traits, such as the ones I listed above.

Also, I learned to accommodate for my academic shortcomings by being super-organized and hardworking (to prove to myself and everyone else that I was smart.) Your daughter will likely discover her learning style and "tricks" over time.

Your daughter is still developing and learning. Please do not limit her by having poor expectations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this in a snarky way but I think you would benefit from some education counseling to help you develop a more realistic understanding of life and not worry so much. I understand your DD is treading a totally different path than what you're accustomed to - one that you have very little insight to and that worries you. You need some help understanding it. $50K a year is absolutely enough to live on especially if it's only you you're supporting. I gently suggest you re-think your ideas about the need for college in order to have a good life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with blue collar or service jobs. It's honest work and even in the worst economy, people need plumbers and hair stylists.

I think it's unrealistic for you to think that your DD will do well in college - not because she is of low average intelligence but because she hates school so much now and isn't interested in academics. College is far harder than high school. Even people of low average intelligence can do well in the subjects they're interested in. It doesn't seem as if your DD has found a passion. Also, if your DD isn't physically well enough to attend high school what makes you think she'd be able to move away to attend college? Why insist on college immediately after high school? Why not a gap year? Let her get a job for a while and see how that works out. See if she stays healthy enough to keep a job. How about taking a class or two locally? It'd be far cheaper, would give you both a better idea of how college might be for her and would make the transition to living on a campus easier. Having some work/volunteer experience might give her a better idea of what she'd like to do in her life.

I agree, thanks, and that's what I am doing. I am re-thinking my understanding of both what it takes to support oneself, as well as my own ideas about college being an absolute requirement. That's why I posted!
I'm open to every idea, including gap years as well as part time college. Or no college, I don't know. that's why I am asking...I don't know what I don't know.
I can totally see how making 45/50k annually would be enough to support yourself. But assumedly, someday, she is going to have a family. And like PP said, no one plans on getting divorced. So I am wondering, what does one do when they have made 45k a year, have kids, are divorced, and suddenly on their own? I have many friends in that position (some have worked full time jobs making lower salaries, some have only worked part time) and they are completely and totally devastated. one has just gone on welfare. I want my daughter to be fully self sufficient, always. Married and happy, hopefully! But always self sufficient. (and no, I am not divorced and feeling jilted or anything, I am married and I am the breadwinner in the family. This is just from seeing many women in really horrible circumstances because they don't have self sufficient income).