Anonymous wrote:

It did not occur to me, frankly, until I thought about who might say what at the wedding toasts. Then, it dawned on me - these people don't know me well enough to say anything remotely semi-personal. They don't know what I like, what I do with my free time, probably don't know where I work, did not meet my family until the night before the wedding, etc.

I was right. Since then, the IL's have really only asked odd, judgmental questions. One that sticks out in my mind is when SIL asked me "what I collect?" WTF? Nothing. And you? Nothing. Where are we going with this? Anything to judge me, I suppose.

Younatr the one who is nuts.mit was a simple question. Are you always this hypersensitive?

It did not occur to me, frankly, until I thought about who might say what at the wedding toasts. Then, it dawned on me - these people don't know me well enough to say anything remotely semi-personal. They don't know what I like, what I do with my free time, probably don't know where I work, did not meet my family until the night before the wedding, etc.

I was right. Since then, the IL's have really only asked odd, judgmental questions. One that sticks out in my mind is when SIL asked me "what I collect?" WTF? Nothing. And you? Nothing. Where are we going with this? Anything to judge me, I suppose.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

Amen to that! Husbands family is absolutely nuts. I must Really love DH to put up with it.

Not as much as I should have.

I thought about it and liked them a lot, but didn't get to see them a whole lot as we live quite distant from them.

Fast forward nearly a decade, and I get to see things as part of the "inner circle" that might have given me pause if I'd seen them when we were dating. Eg extreme pampering with 1st grandchild who hadn't been born when we were dating. The whole family circle (minus us, the only ones who live far away) revolves around that person and enables her ever-growing social dysfunction and allergy to the word "no."

PP. And, both DH and I firmly believe that for a successful marriage, having both family at about equal level helps (i.e., same in terms of health, education and financial stability).

At the time when we decided to get marry, I did not think of "marrying into family" idea. But, as we processed our pre-wedding/post-wedding necessities, I did thought about having a healthy in-law family is a must for the sustainable marriage. For example, had I married a man whose family has another child who has a criminal record, my family would probably objected it. Or, if any of the in-law family has a financial issue (tendency to borrow money from anywhere/everyone and not returning), that is a big No No.

Plus, had I married into a wrong in-law family, it may had jeopardized the marriage of my siblings. The future in-law family of my siblings may object to be in a in-law relationship with a sister who married into a wrong family. (there is a bit of cultural stuff in it). Or, current hot topic of the "my MIL is moving 5 min from my house", if your in-law family is dysfunctional, you don't have a chance at healthy marriage of your own.

So, when I think about this, I firmly believe that "marring into a family" has merits and I would want to know bit more extensive history of in-law family before marring the partner.

I tell all my friends to marry an orphan

If I were to really get to know my husbands family and think more carefully about how much I disliked most of them we would have never gotten married.

I love my husband. I literally despise my fil and quite a few other close members of his family. But my fil would have been enough for me to not let my relationship with my husband get as serious at it did. I only met my fil a half a dozen times before I married my husband.

I broke up with my college boyfriend just at the point we were going to get engaged because I realized his family dynamic was not going to change, and I was going to resent it forever.

After that, I "dated" the families as well as the man.

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Were you happy about joining your spouse's family? Or did you just think that you can be married to your spouse without having to deal with his/her family?

I gave it a great deal of thought with a gormer fiancee. I come from a family background that is quiet and sedate. After visiting his family with hoardes of extended relatives who were loud, drank too much, fighting, I opted out. I would never have fit in with them.

My DH is Arab and we married late in life (36 and 43). I made absolutely sure, before agreeing to marry, that I've met the family, that the family approves of me and will support the marriage, that I am comfortable with the family, their lifestyle the way they treat their own women, and how much integration into our life as a couple is expected. It's foolish to marry without knowing this.

I know someone who has a horrible relationship with her in laws. She talked about it so much that before I married I knew it was something to watch out for. I get along very well with my in laws and make it a point to maintain a friendly relationship with them.

On the other hand my husband doesn't have the greatest relationship with my dad but my dad is a jack ass. I'm glad he took the chance and married me anyway.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1

So very dysfunctional, and - save for a cool aunt and cousin - so very insufferable. Also, while DH is successful, his family is solidly lower middle class. Having come from an UMC upbringing/ world, I feel like a fish out of water when I'm with them, and am pretty sure they see me as a city slicker snob.

I love my DH (obviously) but I would have thought about his background and family much more carefully if I could go back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+2

+1,000

Yep. I knew there was dysfunction (serial abortions, mental hospitalizations, substance abuse, etc), but I really thought we'd leave MoCo and raise a family elsewhere. His family was a factor in our divorce and I feel sorry for his fiancée.

+1. I knew about the strong family history of alcoholism, but didn't understand enought about the family history of mental illness. I too feel sorry for ex's new fiancee because I know he is hiding the same things from her.