OP, that sounds like a great plan!! Hope it works out!!

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Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

Get out! I have bras that are years old. YEARS, I tell you!

Ugh - I'm wearing a few bras that are probably a decade old. The eye hooks are all bent, they are ripped and tattered. I was waiting until weaned to see if I go down a size, but I'm now inspired to go buy a few new bras!

I go nuts, absolutely NUTS, at Whole Foods--daily visitor---but I am still wearing old bras while I'm shopping there. When- I finally get a new one (once in a blue moon) I usually just grab it off a Target rack.

I must see you there all of the time! I'm a WF whore. And I just ordered three new bras. So I won't be so saggy next time I see you there.

Anonymous wrote:14:08 - totally agree that not everyone has the benefit of flexibility. But OP has said she and her DH alternates aging early and since she doesn't seem to really care about furthering her career, I've asked a couple times here if she could do part-time or some kind of flex schedule to cut back on hours. With that much money (a $5k mortgage), I don't think you'd be needing to live a 1.5-hour commute from your work unless you really wanted to. My advice was very specific to the OP's situation, but being home by 4 obviously isn't an option for many people.

I'm done by 4 if I telework and home by 4:30-5 if I don't. I also have a boss who lets me put in another hour in the evening and cut out an hour early. I'm Federal government and theres a big telework and flex schedule push right now. And we purposely chose a smaller house closer in to avoid any hour-plus commutes.

OP here. I am going to ask for PT and salary cut. I feel it would be all or nothing though because they would need to hire a person to do the work that I cannot. I have casually looked for other jobs and all the jobs I see would require a longer commute and/or sounds more time demanding. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am not completely sold on being a SAHM, which is why I am still working. I would absolutely LOVE to work about 20 hours per week. That would give me enough free time to have some me time (gym, errands, etc) and do some work while the kids are in school while still being able to be there for them.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM who posted earlier - a couple more thoughts.
1) I am a little annoyed that my 4yo daughter thinks that women stay home and raise babies. I've tried explaining that some moms work. Some stay home. Some dads even stay home. I've tried to explain that I used to work and I might go back to work someday. But she just nods unconvinced. So part of me wants to go back just to be a different kind of role model for her - not just a mom.

2) I am a horrible "housewife". Cleaning, dishes, etc. are just not my thing. I have tried to do more since I've been home, even though I don't think of it as really why I'm home. But I generally do have a bit more time at home than DH so I try. But I absolutely hate it. If I wasn't at home I'm sure there would be less dirty dishes and clean up to do at the end of the day. We still do outsource general cleaning, but the day-to-day cleaning up really grates on me. A LOT. My DH would be a much better "housewife", but he'd suck as a SAHD.

But I still don't regret our decision, but wanted to give full disclosure that it's not all sunshine and roses.

She's 4! She'll get lots of exposure to different family members and their various roles as she gets older. My mom SAH, and so did most moms I knew. At the end of the day, I knew that she was just doing the best thing for her family at the time, considering her earning potential, dad's work hours, etc. I went to law school and have a thus far successful career in law - like my mom, I am making the best decision possible for my family. She SAH and I WOHM but at the end of the day, our decisions weren't all that different. Maybe the tides will change, and later it will make sense for me to SAH. You really never know, so as long as you feel you are doing the best thing for your family, no regrets!

14:08 - totally agree that not everyone has the benefit of flexibility. But OP has said she and her DH alternates aging early and since she doesn't seem to really care about furthering her career, I've asked a couple times here if she could do part-time or some kind of flex schedule to cut back on hours. With that much money (a $5k mortgage), I don't think you'd be needing to live a 1.5-hour commute from your work unless you really wanted to. My advice was very specific to the OP's situation, but being home by 4 obviously isn't an option for many people.

I'm done by 4 if I telework and home by 4:30-5 if I don't. I also have a boss who lets me put in another hour in the evening and cut out an hour early. I'm Federal government and theres a big telework and flex schedule push right now. And we purposely chose a smaller house closer in to avoid any hour-plus commutes.

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Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm the one you quoted in the post above and appreciate you adding additional details to your query. That's why each and every family needs to make a decision that works best for them and them alone - everyone's preferences, values, financial situations, and the needs of your individual child, etc. vary so widely.

Definitely be thinking about this long-term - what works best for you now, when the kids are in elementary, when the kids are in HS, and after they are gone? But really none of what you posted sounds like you need to quit. It sounds like rationalizing what you WANT to do. And if you want to quit and you don't feel like you'll ever value your work and you are fine with not being able to get back into the workplace, then by all means, go for it. There are plenty of very happy SAHMs that have posted.

But to your post, here's what I would say if you're truly on the fence - you have a great preschool that you're very happy with. Your kids are under 5, but not yet in school? Stick with your current situation until they are in school and then re-evaluate. What time would you be able to leave work at the earliest? Do you have the option to be part-time or flex-time?

Yes, kids generally like to do more activities as they get older - I'm a full-time working parent and my kids do do soccer, art, and music class at various times during the year. Everything is on the weekends or in the evenings. I don't think that's a good enough reason to quit (again, unless you just really want to).

I'm not sure why you would need a full-time nanny/housekeeper, driver, or a live-in or why one of you couldn't be home in the afternoon even if you both work? We don't have any of those and no "young kid" is driving our kids around. I guess it depends on the flexibility of your work schedules and how far your school is and what time it gets out. And you're only talking about 3:00pm on at the earliest. Part-time or flex-time would totally work for you if it was possible. Again, not a reason in and of itself to totally quit working.

Most days I pick my daughter up from the bus at 4pm and we DO help with homework and have friends over and do classes after school. On the two or three days a week that I get home later, we maybe don't have a playdate or a class, but I still help with homework and cook dinner, etc. And I work full-time. They are not mutually exclusive.

It's hard when they are younger, but now that my oldest is in Kindergarten, I am glad I kept working. There is a huge swath of day from 8am to 4pm when she's at school - during that time, I work. At other times, I do all the things you mentioned loving. To me personally, it seems like the best of both worlds.

Yes. My elementary school kids are out of the house from 9-4pm. That is close to a full workday. I work at home full-time. DH picks up the slack in the morning or if he has an early meeting I make it up when kids are in be dor on the weekend. If I had quite 7 years ago when I had my firstborn--there is no way I would have the gig I do now. I was able to go part-time when they were babies and toddlers and don't feel I missed much at all.

I do think there are some people that can't have the flexibility so need to quit, but I do think (as you stated) there are just as many women that want to justify not wanting to work. That is fine, but don't turn it into a Mother Theresa-type act against all other working parents.

For those moms who are able to be home before 5 p.m., what on earth kind of job do you have? Where do you live and how long is your commute? What time do you leave your house in the morning? I am a SAHM who left the job market in part because working full-time in my position meant a 9-hour work day (8 hours of work plus mandated hour of breaks) plus two to three hours of commuting (depending on which office I was working in at any given time). Given that my husband is gone for 12 hours each day for his job (10.5-hour work days on average plus 1.5 hours of commuting), there is just no way that I would ever see my kids if I worked. Life was a miserable, rushed grind. Not everyone has an employer that is going to allow them to leave at 3 p.m. I have never worked in a place where this would be considered okay.

OP, I'm one of the PP posters who did SAH and couldn't stand the housework part of everything. Unlike you, though, we had to watch our budget when I SAH. A couple thoughts for you.

1. In all your posts, you never really give a good reason to stay working. All your reasoning stems around reasons to SAH. That's very telling and maybe deep down you really want to SAH but are scared to make that move? Maybe write a list of reasons to be home FT and reasons to work FT. It often becomes clear whats right for you when you write things down like this.

2. I work full time, but like you, my job is not challenging. The nice thing about my job is I work 7:00 - 3:30 and I live close enough to where I work that I'm home by 4. That's when the bus comes to our stop. By working FT, we're able to afford a weekly housekeeper and go back to doing Pea-Pod and sometimes that Harris Teeter on-line/pick up shopping. That helps.

3. Also, the older the kids get, the less you'll do after school play dates and more activities. And there are often parents that like to swap out pick-up drop off for these - especially those with multiple kids. So, if you're area is similar to mine, even if you're home, that function diminishes. I found (even being home for the after school activities) that the kids like hanging out with their friends more and doing the carpool thing. They ask for it (I used to volunteer to do both and stay at practices). They like the independence and it's good for them navigating social things.

4. The one thing that makes being home after school good (for our family) was that after school is when they tend to be more talkative and tell you about any problems or things that happened during school. Before I was able to switch my hours, I would get home at 5 and they wouldn't say much about the day. Like by then it was over. THen when I switchhed hours I noticed when they come home they talk more about their day. May be the age, too, I'm not sure - just an observation on my part.

5. Also, you mention wanting to do playdates/snacks after school. Again, it won't always be at your house and people will want to switch on and off with you. It would become odd if you always insisted it's at your house (we have someone in our neighborhood like that and it's become too weird now since she ALWAYS insists the playdates be at her house). So, even if you set up regular play dates, there will be days of the week your kid will go to someone else's house after school and you'll have free time on your hands.

6. Oh, another problem we had WOH - in Virginia (not sure if it's all over) there's one day per week where school lets out a half day. Since we work FT, we had to find child care for that day - we ended up paying a SAHM who has a kid the same age as ours to take them for the afternoon and it's worked out nice, but if you decide to work, it'll probably be something you'll have to figure out.

Like others have said there are plusses and minuses to each scenario, so you really just have to decide what's best for you and your family and do it - and ignore all these posters that claim their way is best and the other side is awful (it gets hurtful and even though I've done both, as a WOHM now I still hear some of the SAHM posters' arguments and get a twinge of guilt - and I get to be home with them when they get out of school. Oh I think as they get older, school lets out earlier, so that might play a factor in the long run too.)

Good luck with your decision.

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Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

Get out! I have bras that are years old. YEARS, I tell you!

Ugh - I'm wearing a few bras that are probably a decade old. The eye hooks are all bent, they are ripped and tattered. I was waiting until weaned to see if I go down a size, but I'm now inspired to go buy a few new bras!

I go nuts, absolutely NUTS, at Whole Foods--daily visitor---but I am still wearing old bras while I'm shopping there. When- I finally get a new one (once in a blue moon) I usually just grab it off a Target rack.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

Get out! I have bras that are years old. YEARS, I tell you!

Ugh - I'm wearing a few bras that are probably a decade old. The eye hooks are all bent, they are ripped and tattered. I was waiting until weaned to see if I go down a size, but I'm now inspired to go buy a few new bras!

Anonymous wrote:I'd never quit my job, mainly because I'm a product of divorce. I saw what my mother went through when my dad left, and she had to re-enter the workforce after a seven year hiatus. She was working nights at Macy's and substitute teaching when she could during the day. It took her 5 years of that to get back to the type of full time teaching job with benefits that she had before I was born. In the meantime, we wore hand me downs, and when an appliance broke, it stayed broken for years.

I'm also an economist. A study by Hewlitt et al. (Harvard Business Review 2005) found that if a woman takes any time out of the workforce, she comes back in at 81% of her previous salary, and if she takes 3+ years off, she comes back in at an average of 64% of her previous salary (averaged across all fields).

This rings very true to my experience, too. Which is why, even though I sometimes dream of taking what I jokingly call a "sabbatical" (1-2 months off to relax, cook, garden, sleep, shop, whatever) I wouldn't do even that. And I never expect DH and I to divorce, but you just never know. I am loathe to ever be in that scary place that my mom was in after my parents split.

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Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

+1 This happens all. the. time. And so many of the women got blindsided by it.

You can also plan for some of these doomsday scenarios, such as through life insurance and/or savings. I couldn't afford to support my child on the non-profit salary I was making before I became a SAHM, does this mean we shouldn't have had a kid since we can *only* afford to support our child with DH's salary? Many in this area can only afford their house, car, childcare with 2 salaries. Does that mean they shouldn't have all those things in case one of them loses a job or dies? This argument is a non-starter for me.

I wasn't saying that anyone should do or not do anything or putting a value judgment on others' choices. Just saying that women should be aware of the possible downsides of not making their own money, and if they make the valid choice not to work, should have some plan in place for what happens to them in the event of a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm the one you quoted in the post above and appreciate you adding additional details to your query. That's why each and every family needs to make a decision that works best for them and them alone - everyone's preferences, values, financial situations, and the needs of your individual child, etc. vary so widely.

Definitely be thinking about this long-term - what works best for you now, when the kids are in elementary, when the kids are in HS, and after they are gone? But really none of what you posted sounds like you need to quit. It sounds like rationalizing what you WANT to do. And if you want to quit and you don't feel like you'll ever value your work and you are fine with not being able to get back into the workplace, then by all means, go for it. There are plenty of very happy SAHMs that have posted.

But to your post, here's what I would say if you're truly on the fence - you have a great preschool that you're very happy with. Your kids are under 5, but not yet in school? Stick with your current situation until they are in school and then re-evaluate. What time would you be able to leave work at the earliest? Do you have the option to be part-time or flex-time?

Yes, kids generally like to do more activities as they get older - I'm a full-time working parent and my kids do do soccer, art, and music class at various times during the year. Everything is on the weekends or in the evenings. I don't think that's a good enough reason to quit (again, unless you just really want to).

I'm not sure why you would need a full-time nanny/housekeeper, driver, or a live-in or why one of you couldn't be home in the afternoon even if you both work? We don't have any of those and no "young kid" is driving our kids around. I guess it depends on the flexibility of your work schedules and how far your school is and what time it gets out. And you're only talking about 3:00pm on at the earliest. Part-time or flex-time would totally work for you if it was possible. Again, not a reason in and of itself to totally quit working.

Most days I pick my daughter up from the bus at 4pm and we DO help with homework and have friends over and do classes after school. On the two or three days a week that I get home later, we maybe don't have a playdate or a class, but I still help with homework and cook dinner, etc. And I work full-time. They are not mutually exclusive.

It's hard when they are younger, but now that my oldest is in Kindergarten, I am glad I kept working. There is a huge swath of day from 8am to 4pm when she's at school - during that time, I work. At other times, I do all the things you mentioned loving. To me personally, it seems like the best of both worlds.

Yes. My elementary school kids are out of the house from 9-4pm. That is close to a full workday. I work at home full-time. DH picks up the slack in the morning or if he has an early meeting I make it up when kids are in be dor on the weekend. If I had quite 7 years ago when I had my firstborn--there is no way I would have the gig I do now. I was able to go part-time when they were babies and toddlers and don't feel I missed much at all.

I do think there are some people that can't have the flexibility so need to quit, but I do think (as you stated) there are just as many women that want to justify not wanting to work. That is fine, but don't turn it into a Mother Theresa-type act against all other working parents.

Anonymous wrote:

2) I am a horrible "housewife". Cleaning, dishes, etc. are just not my thing. I have tried to do more since I've been home, even though I don't think of it as really why I'm home. But I generally do have a bit more time at home than DH so I try. But I absolutely hate it. If I wasn't at home I'm sure there would be less dirty dishes and clean up to do at the end of the day. We still do outsource general cleaning, but the day-to-day cleaning up really grates on me. A LOT. My DH would be a much better "housewife", but he'd suck as a SAHD.

Oh my goodness. I am on a PT schedule at work but other than that we could be one half of the same couple. My DH would be awesome at the "housewife" part of being home, whereas I totally stink at it. But I'm much better at the childcare whereas he, while an involved dad, does not enjoy primary caregiving for long stretches. And so far I can't bring myself to outsource any cleaning and while DH does a ton around the house it grates on us both that I can't do things to his standards no matter how much I try. It is the #1 stressor in our marriage.

I keep wishing we could each work PT. He'd focus mostly on the house and I'd focus on the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

Get out! I have bras that are years old. YEARS, I tell you!

Oh, Lord, DCUM. Always so disappointed to see how often the word "bitch" gets thrown out around here. But glad to see I'm not the only one wearing crappy bras.
Anyway, OP, I don't think this is a dead horse. If it were, there wouldn't be huge nonstop online discussion about it, let alone feature articles in the Atlantic. I have been working PT since DS was 1 and have no regrets about it. I do think it is the best of both worlds, FOR ME. I have plenty of friends who work FT, PT, and also close friends who SAH and no one is without moments of doubt, guilt, and/or regret.
I will caution, as other PPs have, that life is very unpredictable and I have known 2 friends who were SAHMs very comfortably supported by husbands who left them. One is now struggling mightily to re-enter the workforce after an 8-year hiatus (and she has an impressive resume and an advanced degree).
I will also add that even though I was really insistent that I would not work FT while my kids were little (they are 5 and 2) I often feel like my easiest days are the ones when I leave and go to work. I eat when I want to, I can drink my coffee while reading the paper, and I go to the bathroom alone. When I am home it is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting--sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.
I wish you luck, OP.