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Anonymous wrote:Wow..lol! I love DCUM but these responses confirm that my AA son should not date or marry a white woman.

The level of self righteousness from some members of the white majority is dangerous for him. But don't worry, when your daughter comes after my son, and she will, I hope to have educated him on this matter and it will be a non-issue because he won't be interested.

You hope to have taught your son that all members of a certain race share certain characteristics and faults? Seems to me there's a word for that...

Not the pp (but I am a black Mom). I hope to educate my son and teach him the value of black women. I hope I am an example to him about all that is beautiful, strong and wonderful about black women. I hope that he understands that a successful black man is a great thing to be and it's even better when you find a black woman who is your equal.

But what if your son falls in love with a white woman? The poster who said that black men who marry/date white women have low self esteem has it wrong. These posts make clear it's the black women who have low self esteem and take it personally when black men (especially their sons) fall in love with women who aren't exactly like them. I didn't marry a man exactly like my father -- that does not mean I don't love and respect my father. Get a grip.

I will answer your question, but realize that telling me to "get a grip" does nothing to further the conversation and only serves to piss me off. Why the need to even go there?

If my son fails in love with a white woman, it will be as I said. I will be deeply disappointed. I wouldn't express it to him (or her), but I would be. That's reality and it won't change to make you comfortable.

It's clear that you are white and, as such, don't really have much "insider" knowledge to know what we are talking about when it comes to the mindset of some black men who marry white women. It's possible that you may not even see it, but I usually can guess whether a black man has a white wife without even knowing beforehand.

I am white. I also was once in a relationship with a black man who feared his mother who, I'm guessing, was much like you. He remained in a loveless, sexless marriage with his black wife so as not to disappoint his mother. I wasn't in love with him, so it didn't matter much to me, but it was truly sad to see this man worried about disappointing his mother. If you feel comfortable knowing that could be your son's future, then that's something I just won't ever understand.

And, by the way, I wonder what you would "know" beforehand about this man. On the outside, he's what it sounds like you hope your son will be -- successful, handsome, and married to a strong, successful black woman. Yet, it's a white woman he really wants to be with... Can you ID those types of black guys too?

Your story sounds a bit far-fetched and while I love my son and know that he respects me, I doubt he'll sacrifice his happiness for me (as it should be). As I said before, I have not shared my feelings with him, so he doesn't have any fear of me on this score.

Not really sure about this black guy you're talking about. Forcing himself to be with a black woman when deep down he wants a white woman (I guess any white woman will do?). He sounds emasculated. So in some ways, yes, he fits the profile.

No, not any white woman -- he wanted a specific white woman. He is not emasculated -- many women (black, white, etc.) would want this guy, I promise you that. My point, really, is that you can't generalize. Not all white women are the same. Not all black men are the same. And I don't think all black women are the same because I have to believe there are some out there who don't share your beliefs. BTW, this guy's mother never shared her feelings directly either; but he knew that she would be seriously disappointed if he chose to be w/ a white woman. So even if you don't say it to your son, he's likely smart enough to figure it out.

If he's not man enough to stand up to his mother for the woman he loves, he's not manly.

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Anonymous wrote:Wow..lol! I love DCUM but these responses confirm that my AA son should not date or marry a white woman.

The level of self righteousness from some members of the white majority is dangerous for him. But don't worry, when your daughter comes after my son, and she will, I hope to have educated him on this matter and it will be a non-issue because he won't be interested.

You hope to have taught your son that all members of a certain race share certain characteristics and faults? Seems to me there's a word for that...

Not the pp (but I am a black Mom). I hope to educate my son and teach him the value of black women. I hope I am an example to him about all that is beautiful, strong and wonderful about black women. I hope that he understands that a successful black man is a great thing to be and it's even better when you find a black woman who is your equal.

But what if your son falls in love with a white woman? The poster who said that black men who marry/date white women have low self esteem has it wrong. These posts make clear it's the black women who have low self esteem and take it personally when black men (especially their sons) fall in love with women who aren't exactly like them. I didn't marry a man exactly like my father -- that does not mean I don't love and respect my father. Get a grip.

I will answer your question, but realize that telling me to "get a grip" does nothing to further the conversation and only serves to piss me off. Why the need to even go there?

If my son fails in love with a white woman, it will be as I said. I will be deeply disappointed. I wouldn't express it to him (or her), but I would be. That's reality and it won't change to make you comfortable.

It's clear that you are white and, as such, don't really have much "insider" knowledge to know what we are talking about when it comes to the mindset of some black men who marry white women. It's possible that you may not even see it, but I usually can guess whether a black man has a white wife without even knowing beforehand.

I am white. I also was once in a relationship with a black man who feared his mother who, I'm guessing, was much like you. He remained in a loveless, sexless marriage with his black wife so as not to disappoint his mother. I wasn't in love with him, so it didn't matter much to me, but it was truly sad to see this man worried about disappointing his mother. If you feel comfortable knowing that could be your son's future, then that's something I just won't ever understand.

And, by the way, I wonder what you would "know" beforehand about this man. On the outside, he's what it sounds like you hope your son will be -- successful, handsome, and married to a strong, successful black woman. Yet, it's a white woman he really wants to be with... Can you ID those types of black guys too?

Your story sounds a bit far-fetched and while I love my son and know that he respects me, I doubt he'll sacrifice his happiness for me (as it should be). As I said before, I have not shared my feelings with him, so he doesn't have any fear of me on this score.

Not really sure about this black guy you're talking about. Forcing himself to be with a black woman when deep down he wants a white woman (I guess any white woman will do?). He sounds emasculated. So in some ways, yes, he fits the profile.

No, not any white woman -- he wanted a specific white woman. He is not emasculated -- many women (black, white, etc.) would want this guy, I promise you that. My point, really, is that you can't generalize. Not all white women are the same. Not all black men are the same. And I don't think all black women are the same because I have to believe there are some out there who don't share your beliefs. BTW, this guy's mother never shared her feelings directly either; but he knew that she would be seriously disappointed if he chose to be w/ a white woman. So even if you don't say it to your son, he's likely smart enough to figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:To the AA posters, can you please explain the low self esteem thing. Does this apply to all men dating/ marrying outside their race, AA men with asian women or just AA men with white women? Sounds like poppycock to me. How can you generalize so much? Maybe its true love, maybe its that they dont want the weight of your chip/ insecurities on them.... how can you know why 2 people end up together?

This is not a one size fits all thing. But in my experience:

-Black men who date white women (especially those who exclusively date white women) are not manly. They have probably been rejected by black girls growing up for being "soft, nerdy, etc" and grew resentful about these same girls wanting "thugs". They form their opinions of black women off of their experiences with black girls and because they feel they will never measure up in the "manly" department, they reject black woman outright and date white women. These white women usually view black men as manly (because white men in comparison have been stereotyped as not being as masculine).

-Some black men date white woman because they view them as easy catches and/or easy to get over on. They probably come from a background of strong, aggressive, loud black women and want something completely opposite. Rather than realizing that black women are not all the same, they go the other direction and seek out white women because they feel they would be more submissive and/or meek.

-They want to reach a higher socio-economic ladder. Let's face it...if you want to get ahead and be successful, you need to have connections. Being black will only get you so far; to reach and mingle with the higher echelons of society, you need to get in good with white people. What better way for a successful and educated black man to go even "higher" than marrying a white woman who can get him to this level of access?

-They equate having a white woman with being on equal footing with a white man. In a society where you grow up thinking/believing that white men "have it all", being able to date/marry a white woman proves you've "made it" and are equal with white men.

These are just a few examples off the top of my head.

Anonymous wrote:To the AA posters, can you please explain the low self esteem thing. Does this apply to all men dating/ marrying outside their race, AA men with asian women or just AA men with white women? Sounds like poppycock to me. How can you generalize so much? Maybe its true love, maybe its that they dont want the weight of your chip/ insecurities on them.... how can you know why 2 people end up together?

Actually, can the 2 AA posters cease and desist. You've made your point, ad nauseum. Your repeated post simply serve to hijack the post, as you've done with several other recent threads. Of course I know that my post will just elicit your wrath. So predictable you are.

It will be good when the bigots die off.

To the AA posters, can you please explain the low self esteem thing. Does this apply to all men dating/ marrying outside their race, AA men with asian women or just AA men with white women? Sounds like poppycock to me. How can you generalize so much? Maybe its true love, maybe its that they dont want the weight of your chip/ insecurities on them.... how can you know why 2 people end up together?

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Anonymous wrote:Wow..lol! I love DCUM but these responses confirm that my AA son should not date or marry a white woman.

The level of self righteousness from some members of the white majority is dangerous for him. But don't worry, when your daughter comes after my son, and she will, I hope to have educated him on this matter and it will be a non-issue because he won't be interested.

You hope to have taught your son that all members of a certain race share certain characteristics and faults? Seems to me there's a word for that...

Not the pp (but I am a black Mom). I hope to educate my son and teach him the value of black women. I hope I am an example to him about all that is beautiful, strong and wonderful about black women. I hope that he understands that a successful black man is a great thing to be and it's even better when you find a black woman who is your equal.

But what if your son falls in love with a white woman? The poster who said that black men who marry/date white women have low self esteem has it wrong. These posts make clear it's the black women who have low self esteem and take it personally when black men (especially their sons) fall in love with women who aren't exactly like them. I didn't marry a man exactly like my father -- that does not mean I don't love and respect my father. Get a grip.

I will answer your question, but realize that telling me to "get a grip" does nothing to further the conversation and only serves to piss me off. Why the need to even go there?

If my son fails in love with a white woman, it will be as I said. I will be deeply disappointed. I wouldn't express it to him (or her), but I would be. That's reality and it won't change to make you comfortable.

It's clear that you are white and, as such, don't really have much "insider" knowledge to know what we are talking about when it comes to the mindset of some black men who marry white women. It's possible that you may not even see it, but I usually can guess whether a black man has a white wife without even knowing beforehand.

I am white. I also was once in a relationship with a black man who feared his mother who, I'm guessing, was much like you. He remained in a loveless, sexless marriage with his black wife so as not to disappoint his mother. I wasn't in love with him, so it didn't matter much to me, but it was truly sad to see this man worried about disappointing his mother. If you feel comfortable knowing that could be your son's future, then that's something I just won't ever understand.

And, by the way, I wonder what you would "know" beforehand about this man. On the outside, he's what it sounds like you hope your son will be -- successful, handsome, and married to a strong, successful black woman. Yet, it's a white woman he really wants to be with... Can you ID those types of black guys too?

Your story sounds a bit far-fetched and while I love my son and know that he respects me, I doubt he'll sacrifice his happiness for me (as it should be). As I said before, I have not shared my feelings with him, so he doesn't have any fear of me on this score.

Not really sure about this black guy you're talking about. Forcing himself to be with a black woman when deep down he wants a white woman (I guess any white woman will do?). He sounds emasculated. So in some ways, yes, he fits the profile.

I meant to say "son" fell in love.

I, too, but a White women, would be disappointed if my son married a black woman. I guess it is what is...not racism as the AA posters have said, rather wanting a DIL who understands my Irish Catholic ways and who jives with our extended family. God knows I would hate to have to accept someone black just because my n fell in love. There are plenty of white women to fall in love with! And I would definitely tell him how I felt, just like the AA posters would if it were reversed.

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Anonymous wrote:Wow..lol! I love DCUM but these responses confirm that my AA son should not date or marry a white woman.

The level of self righteousness from some members of the white majority is dangerous for him. But don't worry, when your daughter comes after my son, and she will, I hope to have educated him on this matter and it will be a non-issue because he won't be interested.

You hope to have taught your son that all members of a certain race share certain characteristics and faults? Seems to me there's a word for that...

Not the pp (but I am a black Mom). I hope to educate my son and teach him the value of black women. I hope I am an example to him about all that is beautiful, strong and wonderful about black women. I hope that he understands that a successful black man is a great thing to be and it's even better when you find a black woman who is your equal.

But what if your son falls in love with a white woman? The poster who said that black men who marry/date white women have low self esteem has it wrong. These posts make clear it's the black women who have low self esteem and take it personally when black men (especially their sons) fall in love with women who aren't exactly like them. I didn't marry a man exactly like my father -- that does not mean I don't love and respect my father. Get a grip.

I will answer your question, but realize that telling me to "get a grip" does nothing to further the conversation and only serves to piss me off. Why the need to even go there?

If my son fails in love with a white woman, it will be as I said. I will be deeply disappointed. I wouldn't express it to him (or her), but I would be. That's reality and it won't change to make you comfortable.

It's clear that you are white and, as such, don't really have much "insider" knowledge to know what we are talking about when it comes to the mindset of some black men who marry white women. It's possible that you may not even see it, but I usually can guess whether a black man has a white wife without even knowing beforehand.

I am white. I also was once in a relationship with a black man who feared his mother who, I'm guessing, was much like you. He remained in a loveless, sexless marriage with his black wife so as not to disappoint his mother. I wasn't in love with him, so it didn't matter much to me, but it was truly sad to see this man worried about disappointing his mother. If you feel comfortable knowing that could be your son's future, then that's something I just won't ever understand.

And, by the way, I wonder what you would "know" beforehand about this man. On the outside, he's what it sounds like you hope your son will be -- successful, handsome, and married to a strong, successful black woman. Yet, it's a white woman he really wants to be with... Can you ID those types of black guys too?

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so disheartening. White woman married to a Black man. We are best friends and the relationship felt completely natural from the moment we met, just as I always hoped I'd feel when meeting my life partner. We now have children together. He was totally accepted into my immediate family from the start, they respected him, loved him and viewed him as a son from very early. He would say the same about his experience with my family. Some of my extended family was uncomfortable at first, but most embraced him as they would any deserving man I brought home. His family was probably a little less enthusiastic at first, but welcomed me anyway, and once both families got to know the other,iPod background didn't matter so much. I understand why some people have a hard time with this given the country's history, as well as how race & skin color is viewed throughout the world. But I also never felt like I could apologize for friending, and then falling in love with my husband. And he has no self-hate, or low self-esteem, or whatever else PP suggested. I think more and more people are dating outside of their culture, and those who are uncomfortable with it need to step into the 21st century. I'm sick of generalizations on all sides. And PS, as a parent, and I'm one myself, you have no control over who your child dates or decides to marry. You can control your own behavior, so I suggest checking yourself before judging others and trust and respect your daughter or son.

In all honestly, you don't know how your family or your DH's family feel about your relationship. If my son decides to marry a white woman, I would not let on that I'm deeply disappointed. He's my son and I will always love him, so I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

I'm not sure why you find this thread disheartening. As I said earlier, *you* may not see the self-hate/low self-esteem present in your DH. He probably doesn't even see it. But trust me....it's there on some level. Not saying it's the deciding factor in why he chose you as his partner, but it is there. Out of curiosity, how did you meet your husband?

Anonymous wrote:AA mom here. The reason why I believe that AA men that marry white women have low self esteem is because they have to seek white women out for relationships. Because of America's past and present it is easy for a Black man to believe that most black women are unfit for long term relationships. The stereotypes at worse of diseased, baby mama gold diggers and bossy bad attitude bitches at best are worth discussing with my son. There are very few media outlets that portray AA women in a positive light. It is my responsibility as his mom to point out these inaccuracies.

I am not surprised that a White women would be outraged by this. You are the feminine standard that all other races are judged by. Enjoy your throne. I'm not trying to take it from you. I just don't want my son sitting next to you.

I want to train his eye to see the beauty of women that look like him. No else in America will do it for him except his mother. Not self righteous white women, reality shows that always portray Aa women cussing fighting and sexy, movies that make us seem undesireable, videos and music that portray us as whores. There is no balance. That balance is the education I refer to.

Would it make a difference to you if the White person wasn't American?

Also upthread someone mentioned that AA are insecure if they disapprove of their son dating or marrying a white woman. Please reconsider this ignorant statement. Think deeply about the AA women's experience in US and be grateful if insecurity is all they come away with.

AA mom here. The reason why I believe that AA men that marry white women have low self esteem is because they have to seek white women out for relationships. Because of America's past and present it is easy for a Black man to believe that most black women are unfit for long term relationships. The stereotypes at worse of diseased, baby mama gold diggers and bossy bad attitude bitches at best are worth discussing with my son. There are very few media outlets that portray AA women in a positive light. It is my responsibility as his mom to point out these inaccuracies.

I am not surprised that a White women would be outraged by this. You are the feminine standard that all other races are judged by. Enjoy your throne. I'm not trying to take it from you. I just don't want my son sitting next to you.

I want to train his eye to see the beauty of women that look like him. No else in America will do it for him except his mother. Not self righteous white women, reality shows that always portray Aa women cussing fighting and sexy, movies that make us seem undesireable, videos and music that portray us as whores. There is no balance. That balance is the education I refer to.

This thread is so disheartening. White woman married to a Black man. We are best friends and the relationship felt completely natural from the moment we met, just as I always hoped I'd feel when meeting my life partner. We now have children together. He was totally accepted into my immediate family from the start, they respected him, loved him and viewed him as a son from very early. He would say the same about his experience with my family. Some of my extended family was uncomfortable at first, but most embraced him as they would any deserving man I brought home. His family was probably a little less enthusiastic at first, but welcomed me anyway, and once both families got to know the other,iPod background didn't matter so much. I understand why some people have a hard time with this given the country's history, as well as how race & skin color is viewed throughout the world. But I also never felt like I could apologize for friending, and then falling in love with my husband. And he has no self-hate, or low self-esteem, or whatever else PP suggested. I think more and more people are dating outside of their culture, and those who are uncomfortable with it need to step into the 21st century. I'm sick of generalizations on all sides. And PS, as a parent, and I'm one myself, you have no control over who your child dates or decides to marry. You can control your own behavior, so I suggest checking yourself before judging others and trust and respect your daughter or son.