If a ten-year-old's mother goes so far as to ask you to invite her daughter, the kindest thing to do, obviously, is to invite the daughter. If that means you need to choose a less expensive restaurant or have the party at home, you can explain to your daughter that it's rude and inconsiderate to talk about a party in front of people who weren't invited.

That means people in the same social circle, of course. Your daughter can talk about her party to her grandmother, for instance, all she likes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who think it is "bitchy" to not exclude anyone and not be "rigid". My DD had a Sweet 16. It started out as a low key 40-50 ppl at most (boys invited as well). It was at a hotel ball room. My DD had been saving $ to help pay for it and has saved $400.Well anyway... the list started out at like 45 ppl. And one more person was added here, and a +1 was added there. And then before we knew it there were 350 teenagers in the Marriot ballroom. We had an RSVP so that we could know about the food (we catered ourselves ) but good lord. It was an experience. I know this is a bit of a different situation but, just realize that sometimes adding one more person creates a slippery slope and before you know it you may have the entire class (or in our case, a large amount of MG county youth) at an even that you only planned for 12 (or 50).

That is insane. It's not your daughter's fault that you have no backbone and let the guest list increase by about sevenfold.
45 people "plus just a few people" does not equal 350 people. Be the adult and say NO.

Are you Saudi royalty? 50 people in a hotel ballroom is "low key?" - then you 350 people slide in? WTF. INSANE

Im the Mom of the DD with the sweet 16. No, I realized that DD hadnt had a birthday celebration (other than with the family at home and cake/ice cream) since she was 5. So we knew that 50 ppl would be on the low end of capacity for the ballroom. And once we booked it, we could just add the other half for about $100. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it seemed like pretty much everyone was there.

I would have just said - oh no, we are not having a sleep-over party!! We just told Jenny she could have a few friends for dinner! Nice and quiet it's gonna be this time, tell Sara not to worry, she is not missing out on a big party! (laugh).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who think it is "bitchy" to not exclude anyone and not be "rigid". My DD had a Sweet 16. It started out as a low key 40-50 ppl at most (boys invited as well). It was at a hotel ball room. My DD had been saving $ to help pay for it and has saved $400.Well anyway... the list started out at like 45 ppl. And one more person was added here, and a +1 was added there. And then before we knew it there were 350 teenagers in the Marriot ballroom. We had an RSVP so that we could know about the food (we catered ourselves ) but good lord. It was an experience. I know this is a bit of a different situation but, just realize that sometimes adding one more person creates a slippery slope and before you know it you may have the entire class (or in our case, a large amount of MG county youth) at an even that you only planned for 12 (or 50).

That is insane. It's not your daughter's fault that you have no backbone and let the guest list increase by about sevenfold.
45 people "plus just a few people" does not equal 350 people. Be the adult and say NO.

Are you Saudi royalty? 50 people in a hotel ballroom is "low key?" - then you 350 people slide in? WTF. INSANE

But if I have a party where a couple colleagues were included and others were not, I certainly would not bring that up when others are around. How incredibly rude.

I never have parties because my house is small and messy, but I don't find it rude if coworkers who are good friends with each other mention hanging out outside of work without me. They're friends and I am an acquantiance/coworker. They're perfectly nice to me at work, which is all that I ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When adults throw a party they envision the mix of people, who will get along and set a general budget.

Why should this not apply to kids? How else will they learn how to host a party. It is a skill that we learn....

A forced addition to any party just ruins the chemistry. Save forced invitations for socializing with relatives and coworkers!

True, but adults have enough social maturity to not discuss the party in front of the people who are not invited. That's the real issue with the party. The daughter was obviously talking about the party in front of the uninvited girl. This is rude and mean. After the uninvited girl's mother called, OP should've had a long talk with DD about how children should be treating each other in school. Mean and exclusionary behavior should be punished.

Really, so you never talk about any party or event at work unless everyone of your coworkers was invited too?

I find that odd. In my place of work people talk about parties they had / attended and no one gets their knows all out of joint about 'mean' people or being excluded. So John had a 40th and didn't invite me. I am happy for him that he had a great time, not going to get all whiny and taking it personally because I didn't get an invite. It isn't all about you. Always thinking about everything me a very me centric, how I feel point of view isn't healthy. Be happy for others, rather than spending all your time trying to figure out how you've been excluded and teach the same lessons and life skills to your kids.

Yeah, I talk about parties I have or attend where NO colleagues were invited. That's fine (unless you have a close friend who should have been included or whatever). But if I have a party where a couple colleagues were included and others were not, I certainly would not bring that up when others are around. How incredibly rude.

We should help our daughters find perspective and learn to absorb and move on from disappointment. Those are confidence-building skills that will serve them throughout life.

Signed,

Mother of a 10 yo girl who doesn't get invited to every birthday party

It's hard being 10. I'm glad I don't have to do it again.

Anonymous wrote:To the people who think it is "bitchy" to not exclude anyone and not be "rigid". My DD had a Sweet 16. It started out as a low key 40-50 ppl at most (boys invited as well). It was at a hotel ball room. My DD had been saving $ to help pay for it and has saved $400.Well anyway... the list started out at like 45 ppl. And one more person was added here, and a +1 was added there. And then before we knew it there were 350 teenagers in the Marriot ballroom. We had an RSVP so that we could know about the food (we catered ourselves ) but good lord. It was an experience. I know this is a bit of a different situation but, just realize that sometimes adding one more person creates a slippery slope and before you know it you may have the entire class (or in our case, a large amount of MG county youth) at an even that you only planned for 12 (or 50).

That is insane. It's not your daughter's fault that you have no backbone and let the guest list increase by about sevenfold.
45 people "plus just a few people" does not equal 350 people. Be the adult and say NO.

PP here.. even=event

To the people who think it is "bitchy" to not exclude anyone and not be "rigid". My DD had a Sweet 16. It started out as a low key 40-50 ppl at most (boys invited as well). It was at a hotel ball room. My DD had been saving $ to help pay for it and has saved $400.Well anyway... the list started out at like 45 ppl. And one more person was added here, and a +1 was added there. And then before we knew it there were 350 teenagers in the Marriot ballroom. We had an RSVP so that we could know about the food (we catered ourselves ) but good lord. It was an experience. I know this is a bit of a different situation but, just realize that sometimes adding one more person creates a slippery slope and before you know it you may have the entire class (or in our case, a large amount of MG county youth) at an even that you only planned for 12 (or 50).

You did good. If you had given in there would be no end to the demands. Some people are born manipulators. They thrive on controlling others.

Anonymous wrote:
There is a difference between not inviting and excluding. When you only invite 3 or 4 kids, the other 12 or 23 are not excluded, they just are not invited. When you invite 12 or 23, and leave out 3 or 4, those 3 or 4 are excluded.

+1.

Once again, we show how out of touch DCUM is with reality. We have the standard DCUM families who average $300K HHI who can't seem to make ends meet, but can afford to invite 30 10 year olds to a nice restaurant for dinner. Please go back and read. The daughter was limited to 5 guests. She's 10 years old, not 6. All of you who think that she has the same students in all of her classes, probably have first grade students, not 5th grade students. She probably sees most of the kids in her grade in various classes and she was supposed to invite 5. So, it's a very select few and nowhere near "all the students in her class."

OP--you did absolutely nothing wrong other than to post on DCUM for opinions. It is completely normal to limit your child to a small group like the 5 you chose and be firm on the guest list. The other mother was completely wrong, rude and childish to even broach the topic, especially with the misinformation that she presented to you when she called. You should definitely NOT invite this new girl. Otherwise, you're telling your daughter that she could only invite 5 of her friends, make her choose between close friends and exclude some friends that she is close to and then invite someone she is not close to. You can believe that the other girls will talk and the feelings of friends who your daughter is close to will now feel even worse because they were excluded, but this girl that your daughter is not close to was invited. The best answer would have been "I'm sorry, but you seem to have been misinformed about the arrangements for my daughter's birthday. Unfortunately, we've restricted her to only a certain small number of guests and we won't be able to accommodate any more guests. I'm sure she'll see your daughter at school."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When adults throw a party they envision the mix of people, who will get along and set a general budget.

Why should this not apply to kids? How else will they learn how to host a party. It is a skill that we learn....

A forced addition to any party just ruins the chemistry. Save forced invitations for socializing with relatives and coworkers!

True, but adults have enough social maturity to not discuss the party in front of the people who are not invited. That's the real issue with the party. The daughter was obviously talking about the party in front of the uninvited girl. This is rude and mean. After the uninvited girl's mother called, OP should've had a long talk with DD about how children should be treating each other in school. Mean and exclusionary behavior should be punished.

Really, so you never talk about any party or event at work unless everyone of your coworkers was invited too?

I find that odd. In my place of work people talk about parties they had / attended and no one gets their knows all out of joint about 'mean' people or being excluded. So John had a 40th and didn't invite me. I am happy for him that he had a great time, not going to get all whiny and taking it personally because I didn't get an invite. It isn't all about you. Always thinking about everything me a very me centric, how I feel point of view isn't healthy. Be happy for others, rather than spending all your time trying to figure out how you've been excluded and teach the same lessons and life skills to your kids.

Anonymous wrote:When adults throw a party they envision the mix of people, who will get along and set a general budget.

Why should this not apply to kids? How else will they learn how to host a party. It is a skill that we learn....

A forced addition to any party just ruins the chemistry. Save forced invitations for socializing with relatives and coworkers!

True, but adults have enough social maturity to not discuss the party in front of the people who are not invited. That's the real issue with the party. The daughter was obviously talking about the party in front of the uninvited girl. This is rude and mean. After the uninvited girl's mother called, OP should've had a long talk with DD about how children should be treating each other in school. Mean and exclusionary behavior should be punished.