Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This also leads to a bigger question that I actually was debating with my DH earlier today. I don't think a DH leaves his family and wife who wants the marriage to remain intact unless he has something or someone waiting in the wings. This is where the fidelity issue comes in or the fact that something was going on that the family wasn't aware of which could help with leverage in any settlement.

The only non-infidelity story I’ve hear is my one.

Mine left after he decided he wanted to retire at 55 without telling me. Then I got cc’ed on meeting notes from a conversation he had with our joint finanical advisor who said our retirement savings were off track and he would have to do x, y and z to sustain us through retirement if he wanted to be done at 55.

Instead, exDH apparently spent a week doing the math, realized that he could retire at 55 if he cut me loose after a major raise he was anticipating, and filed a few weeks before that raise would hit. Not sure how other jurisdictions do it but in mine, income after filing date is the earners’ and no longer marital.

Highly effective retirement savings strategy, btw.

Anonymous wrote:Indefinite alimony is absurd. Most SAHMs are completely useless to begin with. Divorced women should just re-enter the workforce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why 50/50 on assets plus child support isn’t what you should expect. Alimony is an injustice to any person. The marriage is over, but then financially everyone pretends like it isn’t?

Except that one spouse is forced to absorb all the downside of supporting and sacrificing for the other’s career opportunities while the other harvests all the upside. You can’t make it be over unless you have a magical time machine that resets the spouse’s age and opportunities to where they were before they had to stop working. Alimony recognizes the impossibility of that.

How does Dad get compensated for the time and relationship he gave up with his children? I think of my own DH who did give up career opportunities when our kids were young to coach their sports teams by limiting travel and work dinners. He had to manage his schedule to do take on his share of pick ups/drop offs/ doc appts. All of this has made him an equal parent to me and the kids turn to both of us when they need stuff as college kids. I think he would have lost a lot if he didn’t put in the work to build this relationship with them (which didn’t actually come naturally to him). I am not unsympathetic to the argument that women who stayed home gave up opportunities for the family and should be acknowledged in a divorce. But how do you calculate the effect on the other spouse?

Why do you assume they aren’t? Working has nothing to do with that as it depends on the job and person. If they choose not to, that was their choice.

Anonymous wrote:Also, be very strategic with how you use your attorney. Don't use them for venting, frustration, or emotional support because they bill for that. Do some legal research on your own so you know the laws yourself and what you're entitled to and can ask them the right questions.

Do your own documentation and have everything perfectly organized and laid out for them. That saves a lot of time.

I'm not a fan, but Bethenny Frankel did a podcast series about how to deal with the divorce attorneys that I actually thought was excellent advice for how to keep your fees low.

The key is that your attorney is not going to solve your problem for you. They are just one of your tools. You have to rely on yourself for the documentation, the narrative, and what issues you may think can help you and use the attorney to help you get from point A to point B

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this same thing before and it pisses me off, which is why I'm taking the time out of my day to reply to this.

Your higher earning DH may try to rush the proceedings and get you to agree to something quickly so things are not dragged out. But remember, he's trying to control the narrative. You have to take control of the narrative and tell your story of what really happened. Do not act quickly or be pressured to do so which DH will likely try to get you to do. Drag it out and get as much as you possibly can.

They are going to try to make you believe that he has the strong case cause he made more money. That's complete BS. You have a much stronger position here but they don't want you to see that so don't be rushed into trying to get this thing done quickly. Drag it out and get as much money as you can.

But if I drag it out, isn’t that gonna cost me more money?

Anonymous wrote:My brothers wife is getting indefinite alimony although that's in California and they were married 15+ years. She was the one that cheated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why 50/50 on assets plus child support isn’t what you should expect. Alimony is an injustice to any person. The marriage is over, but then financially everyone pretends like it isn’t?

Except that one spouse is forced to absorb all the downside of supporting and sacrificing for the other’s career opportunities while the other harvests all the upside. You can’t make it be over unless you have a magical time machine that resets the spouse’s age and opportunities to where they were before they had to stop working. Alimony recognizes the impossibility of that.

How does Dad get compensated for the time and relationship he gave up with his children? I think of my own DH who did give up career opportunities when our kids were young to coach their sports teams by limiting travel and work dinners. He had to manage his schedule to do take on his share of pick ups/drop offs/ doc appts. All of this has made him an equal parent to me and the kids turn to both of us when they need stuff as college kids. I think he would have lost a lot if he didn’t put in the work to build this relationship with them (which didn’t actually come naturally to him). I am not unsympathetic to the argument that women who stayed home gave up opportunities for the family and should be acknowledged in a divorce. But how do you calculate the effect on the other spouse?

I’ve got a fun answer to this one. Another case where jurisdiction matters so it may be different elsewhere. Note that I am still in deep litigation over it and I pray for a different outcome than what I’m facing. Depending on states and judicial discretion a judge will happily award full or majority custody to one of these dads to allow them to “repair their bond” or “build their relationship” with the kids they had no desire to be around for a decade or more. It doesn’t matter if that dad isn’t home to be with the kids; a third party caregiver is allowed because “different parenting styles.”

I’m not in a state where kids who are 12, 13 or 14 have a say in things and so a parent can force them to adhere to whatever parenting plan they get approved until the day that kid is 18.

So yeah, a SAHM can literally be left with no career and with a very tiny sliver of custody of her children.

If you can’t be a SMBC a post-nup is probably a good idea.

That’s awful. Though if it makes you feel better, most courts will not force a custody arrangement for teenagers beginning at about age 14. If the kid refuses, the kid refuses. They’re not going to involve police to drag the kid to other parent’s home.

Anonymous wrote:My brothers wife is getting indefinite alimony although that's in California and they were married 15+ years. She was the one that cheated.

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this same thing before and it pisses me off, which is why I'm taking the time out of my day to reply to this.

Your higher earning DH may try to rush the proceedings and get you to agree to something quickly so things are not dragged out. But remember, he's trying to control the narrative. You have to take control of the narrative and tell your story of what really happened. Do not act quickly or be pressured to do so which DH will likely try to get you to do. Drag it out and get as much as you possibly can.

They are going to try to make you believe that he has the strong case cause he made more money. That's complete BS. You have a much stronger position here but they don't want you to see that so don't be rushed into trying to get this thing done quickly. Drag it out and get as much money as you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why 50/50 on assets plus child support isn’t what you should expect. Alimony is an injustice to any person. The marriage is over, but then financially everyone pretends like it isn’t?

Except that one spouse is forced to absorb all the downside of supporting and sacrificing for the other’s career opportunities while the other harvests all the upside. You can’t make it be over unless you have a magical time machine that resets the spouse’s age and opportunities to where they were before they had to stop working. Alimony recognizes the impossibility of that.

How does Dad get compensated for the time and relationship he gave up with his children? I think of my own DH who did give up career opportunities when our kids were young to coach their sports teams by limiting travel and work dinners. He had to manage his schedule to do take on his share of pick ups/drop offs/ doc appts. All of this has made him an equal parent to me and the kids turn to both of us when they need stuff as college kids. I think he would have lost a lot if he didn’t put in the work to build this relationship with them (which didn’t actually come naturally to him). I am not unsympathetic to the argument that women who stayed home gave up opportunities for the family and should be acknowledged in a divorce. But how do you calculate the effect on the other spouse?

I’ve got a fun answer to this one. Another case where jurisdiction matters so it may be different elsewhere. Note that I am still in deep litigation over it and I pray for a different outcome than what I’m facing. Depending on states and judicial discretion a judge will happily award full or majority custody to one of these dads to allow them to “repair their bond” or “build their relationship” with the kids they had no desire to be around for a decade or more. It doesn’t matter if that dad isn’t home to be with the kids; a third party caregiver is allowed because “different parenting styles.”

I’m not in a state where kids who are 12, 13 or 14 have a say in things and so a parent can force them to adhere to whatever parenting plan they get approved until the day that kid is 18.

So yeah, a SAHM can literally be left with no career and with a very tiny sliver of custody of her children.

If you can’t be a SMBC a post-nup is probably a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP implied that DH didn't take steps to keep himself home so that could imply DH didn't want his wife working as much or maybe set her up to not work as much. OP, if DH set you up to be the default parent taking care of all of these things while he was off doing his thing you need to bring that up in the divorce. that can get you more money

OP here. Yes - all true.

And there was cheating.

Men don’t leave without a place to land.

Cheating is a criminal offense in VA so that alone should give you more alimony, or at least ensure that you get it indefinitely.

But get a PI so you have evidence of it. DH won't admit to it and can invoke his fifth amendment protection since it is a criminal offense in VA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why 50/50 on assets plus child support isn’t what you should expect. Alimony is an injustice to any person. The marriage is over, but then financially everyone pretends like it isn’t?

Except that one spouse is forced to absorb all the downside of supporting and sacrificing for the other’s career opportunities while the other harvests all the upside. You can’t make it be over unless you have a magical time machine that resets the spouse’s age and opportunities to where they were before they had to stop working. Alimony recognizes the impossibility of that.

How does Dad get compensated for the time and relationship he gave up with his children? I think of my own DH who did give up career opportunities when our kids were young to coach their sports teams by limiting travel and work dinners. He had to manage his schedule to do take on his share of pick ups/drop offs/ doc appts. All of this has made him an equal parent to me and the kids turn to both of us when they need stuff as college kids. I think he would have lost a lot if he didn’t put in the work to build this relationship with them (which didn’t actually come naturally to him). I am not unsympathetic to the argument that women who stayed home gave up opportunities for the family and should be acknowledged in a divorce. But how do you calculate the effect on the other spouse?

I’ve got a fun answer to this one. Another case where jurisdiction matters so it may be different elsewhere. Note that I am still in deep litigation over it and I pray for a different outcome than what I’m facing. Depending on states and judicial discretion a judge will happily award full or majority custody to one of these dads to allow them to “repair their bond” or “build their relationship” with the kids they had no desire to be around for a decade or more. It doesn’t matter if that dad isn’t home to be with the kids; a third party caregiver is allowed because “different parenting styles.”

I’m not in a state where kids who are 12, 13 or 14 have a say in things and so a parent can force them to adhere to whatever parenting plan they get approved until the day that kid is 18.

So yeah, a SAHM can literally be left with no career and with a very tiny sliver of custody of her children.

If you can’t be a SMBC a post-nup is probably a good idea.