Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

This is a good point. OP the person your sister employs will be doing this kind of stuff- right? Not justi sitting there while your mom ignores her?

No, she does none of this. Just visits.

So who does all the necessary caretaking work- your sister? This whole arrangement is a bit bizarre to me- I think it is perfectly resonable to farm out help, but paying someone $60 an hour (!!) is a lot of money to just keep your mom company and doesn't really take a lot off your sister's plate- no wonder she is frustrated and overwhelmed. If you are going to push back on something, getting the paid visitor to help with things like laundry, straightening up and assessing what supplies your mom needs replenished, etc. seems reasonable to ask.

Anonymous wrote:Op, i get your frustration. The situation doesn’t make sense to me either and your mother could end up living years more in the nursing home. They tend to prolong the low-quality, end-of-life years that wear loved ones out, even when you like/love the person, which you and some siblings don’t.

What about continuing with this for another six months and if things are going smoothly with Mom in the nursing home, asking your siblings to re-evaluate if Larla’s daily visits are still necessary and if dropping to 2 times/week would be enough? The current situation doesn’t have to be set in stone forever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

This is a good point. OP the person your sister employs will be doing this kind of stuff- right? Not justi sitting there while your mom ignores her?

No, she does none of this. Just visits.

Anonymous wrote:Actually it's time for mommy to go on Medicaid.

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Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You need an attitude adjustment. This is a major sacrifice she has undertaken for you. You have no idea how difficult it is until you’ve done it yourself.

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

I mean it sounds like your sister has a job and other responsibilities. Even if you were local, would you be able to go to the nursing home every day?

I'm not saying I could or would. What I said is that it's what my sister wants. I don't think she needs visitors every day.

Well it was presented as two different things- that she wants someone checking in on her every day, and she doesn't want to make the daily visits herself. All I'm saying is that the latter would be a lot for any one person, particularly if they have other responsibilities, so I'm not sure why you frame it as her not wanting to visit. IMO, whether your mom needs daily check-ins should probably be collectively decided as a sibling group, but considering your sister is putting in most of the work and would likely be the first person the nursing home calls when things come up (right?) then continuing to delegate visits to a trusted family hire would provide her some peace of mind and continuity for your mom. You seem annoyed that you are sending more money than the rest of your siblings, but it seems like this should have been addressed earlier.

Sigh. Whether a trusted family hire visits her or not our sister will always be the first person called. The trusted family hire would never be. As for her not wanting to make the daily visits herself, yes -- she has made clear that she doesn't/wouldn't like visiting our mother every day in a nursing home because she finds nursing homes "depressing." That was honestly her main driver for keeping our mother in her home for as long as she did. You don't know how many times she has said "I'd rather visit her every day at home than in a nursing home -- they're so depressing!"

Now that she will be in the nursing home, our sister still wants our mother to have daily visits. She just doesn't want to do them all herself. But this is entirely her thing. The rest of us don't care if she has daily visits, and frankly even when she does have visitors she either ignores them or is mean to them anyway. She sure as hell isn't the lady my MIL was. She's just not a pleasure to be around and, to be clear, never was.

So I'm basically being asked to pay $60 an hour for someone to visit my mother who doesn't even give a damn about her visiting -- or at least doesn't show it -- and to do this only so my sister feels better. And I'm going to do it, as I said, but that doesn't mean it makes sense and it doesn't make me a terrible person or sibling for scratching my head over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

This is a good point. OP the person your sister employs will be doing this kind of stuff- right? Not justi sitting there while your mom ignores her?

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you’re the sister in this situation. If it’s even real.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, just send the money and be glad you aren't dealing with this. This is the easiest decision ever.

Yeah, I know. But as I just texted a sibling, in the past I sent the money to reduce my sister's burden. Now it would be to reduce her guilt. So it's really not the same thing. But yeah, I know. Just suck it up and keep sending the money.

The money is to reduce your guilt for not lifting a finger other than offering up unwanted advice about how to do it better.

X100000

Sorry, but nope. I feel no guilt and never will. And if you weren't so judgmental and actually read my posts with an open mind you'd know that.

Oh get real. You need to be honest with yourself. You’re paying a convenience fee
.

I’m the person that suggested you move home if you don’t want to pay. Because what you’re doing is essentially providing cash so you don’t have to participate in care. You might not like that framing, but it’s accurate.

If you wanted to do more than send money, you would arrange to be there. No matter what your situation was.

Anonymous wrote:We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

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Anonymous wrote:You really don’t understand the stress and the mental bandwidth it takes to be the primary contact person for an elderly person even if they are in assisted living memory care / nursing home.

You get called all the time. Your mother needs more if this, there are bills you have to make sure get paid even if you aren’t the one siting for it, doctors appointments, paramedic calls. I am tje local siblings and it just really sucks.

This week it was the facility calling again saying your mom fell but she seems okay. However the protocol is for us to call paramedics. Can you stay in the line to talk to them. Then they ask if you want her taken to the hospital.

Or your mom needs more toothpaste and we can’t find her toothbrush. There is a family dinner for the residents, plan on attending? The podiatrist who comes to cut nails needs your authorization and her insurance info…

None of this means I should pay for someone to visit her. Every single thing you just mentioned would still fall on my sister.