Anonymous wrote:I think I know what you mean, OP. Bigger families can have a different vibe when they are all together. My son has a couple friends that are from families with 3 boys and they are great kids and follow our rules for playdates but when the whole family is over it’s a totally different vibe! In particular the kids that don’t have a friend their own age will be disruptive and rough with the other kids to get attention. It’s a lot sometimes.

We tend to do stuff out of the house with those families (I like the parents a lot too which is why we don’t just stick to drop off play dates)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

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Please, this is a myth. I know plenty of people from large families who don’t talk to their families and only see them on Christmas.

The kids suffer from lack of parental attention, lack of academic support, lack of involvement in general and also having the responsibilities to take care of younger siblings. Yes, they do chores and learn to fend for themselves, but it comes at a price.

Hoo boy.

1. What is your work and social life like that you know so many people estranged from their families?! I know only a few, not due to family size. My social circle is financially comfortable, smart, educated people and the vast majority have decent relationships with their family, regardless of size.

2. “Lack of parental attention” - how many hours / week do parents need to be giving their kids attention? Does it need to be one on one attention? Can parents have hobbies outside their children? What is the time limit for parents to work out?

3. “Lack of academic support” - you mean parents reading to and helping the kid with homework? Can that be outsourced to tutors or no?

4. “Lack of involvement” - you mean coaching little league? Sitting in the bleachers during gymnastics practice scrolling their phone? How much involvement is enough?

5. “Take care of younger siblings” - do you mean pour them a bowl of Cheerios or take them to doctors appointments? Cook a gourmet meal for younger siblings or take them on a walk around the block? Does it matter if the older sibling gets paid? Do you have an issue with older siblings babysitting neighborhood kids or feel like that ruins their childhood?

6. “Do chores” - ummm shouldn’t all kids do chores?!?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

.

Please, this is a myth. I know plenty of people from large families who don’t talk to their families and only see them on Christmas.

The kids suffer from lack of parental attention, lack of academic support, lack of involvement in general and also having the responsibilities to take care of younger siblings. Yes, they do chores and learn to fend for themselves, but it comes at a price.

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate the families, but I hate hosting them and I think I'm going to stop.

It's too many people. Specifically too many kids. It seems, on paper, like it's just one more kid than a family with 2 kids. And yet.... it feels like 4-5 more kids? It is just utter chaos. We never make it through a visit without something being broken or drawn on or just randomly destroyed. I'll have spent time with the kids individually, and they will have been well behaved, and then all together they are like small demons.

I would rather host three or four families with 1-2 kids than a single family with 3 or more.

And to parents of 3 or more kids, I truly don't know how you survive. How have your houses not burned down by now? I salute you, but I don't envy you. And I look forward to meeting up at the park!

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

That is not parenting and giving kids attention if the siblings are parenting each other. No way you can give 7 kids attention.

I don’t have a big family, but I’ll note that I - and you apparently - are the statistical historical anomaly and this is an *extremely* modern idea.

I’m not sure where this lauded idea of “attention” came from, but…if you’re insinuating there’s a specific level of attention needed for kids to flourish that is not possible once someone has more than a (set by you) number of children…that’s not at all rooted in thousands of years of human historical data. Humans have flourished for thousands of years, despite very very great odds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

my mother 100% would have been better off if her mother had had fewer children. Doesn't mean large families are bad but it.was definitely bad for my mom

Curious what you base that conclusion on? My mom was one of ten (!). She’s definitely has issues and I wonder if she wasn’t given enough attention. But it also could be because her mother was a raging narcissist from what I gather (she passed when I was young). So I don’t know if the sheer number of kids is what gave my mom issues, or if she wouldn’t had issues regardless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

my mother 100% would have been better off if her mother had had fewer children. Doesn't mean large families are bad but it.was definitely bad for my mom

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.