Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh - I get it. I grew up in a family that was like that - we didn't go out to eat that frequently, but when we did, we never got "extras" - drinks/apps/dessert. To the point we didn't even ask.

It's weird now that my kids sometimes automatically assume they can get "extras" - much prefer if they ask, but it doesn't bother my husband at all.

One kid is still a light eater - so when we get fast casual food she usually gets a kids meal which includes a drink and a side. But if she's getting a full size meal, I rarely okay a fountain drink. (It's the drinks that bug me more than the quac/queso etc).

Some of your are ridiculous. If you wanted your children to ask rather than assume, you should have taught them that. Me - I don’t pick food as the place to control and say no.

If I never said "no" regarding food, my kids would just eat cookies and ice cream all the time. And yes, you actually have to teach your kids how to eat out and how to be hosted by other families. They will not just intuit this, especially if your standard at home is to just agree to any request, no matter what it is. It's not "controlling" to teach your kids things like basic nutrition, how much things cost, and how to be a polite guest. It's parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.

DP here. I disagree. I can definitely see a difference between kids who have been raised to know the value of a dollar vs those whose parents just buy them whatever they want. I've been out with those kids and things they will order or ask for when I am entertaining them is sometimes a bit shocking. I have had kids whine when I say, "no, we are doing it this way". I have actually had this discussion with my kids about being conscientious to not take advantage when another parent is hosting. There are definitely kids who do not understand that concept and having observed how the parents are with the kids, I can see it comes directly from the parenting.

Taking advantage of you by ordering extra food? You guys are so so weird and cheap.

New poster: kids should understand things cost money. You guys are weird in having no financial boundaries when it comes to your kids - at least with certain things.

The idea is- are kids being raised to understand hard work results in income, saved income results in assets, assets can “work” for you passively to allow you to work towards financial freedom, but the flip side is that expenses reduce your assets and if you continue to always satisfy wants, you will not be able to love as you otherwise could or want to.

Wants change…

My niece rented an expensive nyc place with her income from her first real job. She could afford it and loved it! 10 months later she realized what an idiot she was (her words) when she saw coworkers were living with several roommates and saving money. She looks back at that and regrets that initial decision but learned from it.

Lots of you sound like you’d never learn from this simply bc your income would cover the rent comfortably. Mature thinking looks to tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh - I get it. I grew up in a family that was like that - we didn't go out to eat that frequently, but when we did, we never got "extras" - drinks/apps/dessert. To the point we didn't even ask.

It's weird now that my kids sometimes automatically assume they can get "extras" - much prefer if they ask, but it doesn't bother my husband at all.

One kid is still a light eater - so when we get fast casual food she usually gets a kids meal which includes a drink and a side. But if she's getting a full size meal, I rarely okay a fountain drink. (It's the drinks that bug me more than the quac/queso etc).

Some of your are ridiculous. If you wanted your children to ask rather than assume, you should have taught them that. Me - I don’t pick food as the place to control and say no.

Anonymous wrote:This may be a silly question, but I found out that my dh lets my kids get queso and guac in their chipotle bowls. My son has the nerve to order light queso. My daughter said she didn't realize it cost extra. Do you let your kids get all the extras all the time? I feel like it's wasteful and they need to learn they can't get everything that they want all the time. I did the ordering today and ordered them one queso to share. I know it's a small expense but all the small expenses add up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.

DP here. I disagree. I can definitely see a difference between kids who have been raised to know the value of a dollar vs those whose parents just buy them whatever they want. I've been out with those kids and things they will order or ask for when I am entertaining them is sometimes a bit shocking. I have had kids whine when I say, "no, we are doing it this way". I have actually had this discussion with my kids about being conscientious to not take advantage when another parent is hosting. There are definitely kids who do not understand that concept and having observed how the parents are with the kids, I can see it comes directly from the parenting.

Taking advantage of you by ordering extra food? You guys are so so weird and cheap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.

DP here. I disagree. I can definitely see a difference between kids who have been raised to know the value of a dollar vs those whose parents just buy them whatever they want. I've been out with those kids and things they will order or ask for when I am entertaining them is sometimes a bit shocking. I have had kids whine when I say, "no, we are doing it this way". I have actually had this discussion with my kids about being conscientious to not take advantage when another parent is hosting. There are definitely kids who do not understand that concept and having observed how the parents are with the kids, I can see it comes directly from the parenting.

Taking advantage of you by ordering extra food? You guys are so so weird and cheap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.

DP here. I disagree. I can definitely see a difference between kids who have been raised to know the value of a dollar vs those whose parents just buy them whatever they want. I've been out with those kids and things they will order or ask for when I am entertaining them is sometimes a bit shocking. I have had kids whine when I say, "no, we are doing it this way". I have actually had this discussion with my kids about being conscientious to not take advantage when another parent is hosting. There are definitely kids who do not understand that concept and having observed how the parents are with the kids, I can see it comes directly from the parenting.

Anonymous wrote:Eh - I get it. I grew up in a family that was like that - we didn't go out to eat that frequently, but when we did, we never got "extras" - drinks/apps/dessert. To the point we didn't even ask.

It's weird now that my kids sometimes automatically assume they can get "extras" - much prefer if they ask, but it doesn't bother my husband at all.

One kid is still a light eater - so when we get fast casual food she usually gets a kids meal which includes a drink and a side. But if she's getting a full size meal, I rarely okay a fountain drink. (It's the drinks that bug me more than the quac/queso etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make way more than that and I've always side-eyed my husband for getting both, lol. But I also don't say anything, because I'm not trying to control him.

My kids don't like either, so that's a non-issue, but we do try to limit the "extras" just as a matter of not overdoing it, and keeping some things special. So choose 1 extra, or maybe that thing that costs extra is a special treat. One time one of my kids was super hungry and ordered steak and chicken on a salad at chop't. I wasn't involved in the order, but that would have been an example where I would have encouraged her to pick one.

I know we can afford it, but I don't think we (or my kids) should get everything we want all the time.

Same and we are wealthy. Sometimes I think: one day I will die and my kids will live better than I do on my own money. But I can see they have a healthy relationship with money. They would notice the cost of a water at place A is 3x the cost of a water at place B. I spend a fortune on travel so it isn’t like I am thrifty with all things…but on things like extras like this, sure. FWIW, my husband’s burrito at Chipotle is about $26 with guac and double meat. I think that’s ridiculous.

OP here. Thank you both. Glad I'm not totally crazy.

And this kind of mindset helps you retain your wealth.

Which OP agreed that her kids would live better on her $$ than she did.

If that’s your intention fine, but realize you’re also setting up an unhealthy dynamic.

Uh, wrong on both accounts:

I’m the one who said (not OP): “Sometimes I think: one day I will die and my kids will live better than I do on my own money. But I can see they have a healthy relationship with money. They would notice the cost of a water at place A is 3x the cost of a water at place B. I spend a fortune on travel so it isn’t like I am thrifty with all things…but on things like extras like this, sure.”

And obviously my kids have a healthy dynamic. They know to look for discount codes or coupons, just like I do. Seems idiotic to willingly pay more for something just because they have more.

When my kids were younger, we’d be out and they would ask me to buy something. I would tell them if they wanted it, they could use their own money… And most of the time they would say they didn’t want it that much. I think that’s a great lesson for kids. You can’t want something so much only when you’re not the one paying for it. There are wants and needs, and they are not the same thing. I think it’s also valuable for people of all ages to learn to delay gratification.

OP agreed with you.

Hoarding wealth to pass on to your kids is setting up a bad dynamic, no matter how much you want to protest.

You’re praising your kids for being just like you. Thats control. Deny all you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never get extras like that, but we make less than 150k. I feel like if we made over 450k, we'd splurge more often. But I do agree with making sure kids understand that extras cost more. A lot of kids don't get that at all because their parents have never explained it, and never put ANY limits on what they get based on cost. You can tell this in the behavior of a lot of kids.

I don’t agree. My parents didn’t put limits on stuff like this when I was a kid, but when I left their house and my food budget was $200/month, I figured it out.
I mean, getting guac on my burrito didn’t make me stupid. I could still do simple math.

It's not just about learning to budget. It's about learning how the world works.

I have kids in elementary, and it's very easy to tell the difference between the kids whose parents are teaching them that stuff costs money and that money is not infinite, versus the ones whose parents just buy them whatever without any discussion or reference to money.

I've watched 9 year olds tease a kid for not having an X-box, for never having been to Disney, for having the wrong shoes. They do this because they literally think the only reason not to have that stuff is being so uncool you don't know you should get it. Because for them, that's the only obstacle -- knowing about stuff they want. Once they know, they just tell their parents and their parents buy it. So the concept that a kid might know what an Xbox is, and want an Xbox, but not have one because his parents can't afford one, doesn't even cross their minds.

And people who grow up with that mindset carry it into adulthood, even after they learn how money works. I'm in my 40s and I still encounter people who will look at you just totally baffled because you don't have something they have. I've learned this is actually a good way to vet how down to earth someone is -- mention something you would like but note that it's just not in your budget right now. The way people react to that tells you a lot about them. The people who are just totally confused or try to argue with you about it (that's my favorite, the people who will sit there and explain that of course you can afford something, despite not knowing anything about your finances) are just clueless, and you have to be careful around them.

How could you possibly know this? Unless you’re in the house with the parents observing how they’re raising their kids, you only ASSUME you know based on observations of the kids’ behavior. It’s a common assumption made by folks who don’t understand that kids are people.