OP, you need to stop thinking you can control this man. You can’t. You divorced him because he couldn’t control HIMSELF. I understand you have a vision of how he must be as a parent to allow you to be divorced and to protect your kids. Let that go. You can’t control him, you can’t control what that looks like. A man like this will get remarried, and he won’t see the kids as much anyway. He will move and he won’t see the kids as much anyway. Stop relying on someone you divorced and trying to control what you cannot control. You divorced him for a reason. Be prepared to do this alone, be prepared for him to not do things in the way you’ve decided is the very best. Let it go. You two were trapped in a toxic dynamic where he had no self control and you’re super controlling. You got out of it. For the love, stop trying to control this new situation. Let it go.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.

OP, you answered your own question here. I'm sorry that your ex has continued to disappoint, and I am going to suggest, like everyone else here, that you accept that you truly are a single parent now, with no reliable financial, logistical or emotional support from the kids' dad. You are on your own, now, and must proceed accordingly.

Your most critical tasks are:

1) health insurance

2) shore up finances

3) I would consider whether you could rent the in law suite to a grad student or someone who would take reduced rent in exchange for some logistical help with the kids. Perhaps that is driving them to their dad's, if he remains where he is, or lessons, etc.

4) proceed with the separation and divorce following your attorney's advice

5) your ex is an alcoholic and cannot be trusted. Job loss may have been a layoff but may also be performance related. Relapse is common. You can no longer plan your life as if he were a stable presence for the kids (financially emotionally etc), nor should he drive the children without, at the very least, an interlock device in his car. Best to prepare yourself (Al Anon) and the kids for the worst and hope for the best. This is where any additional energy should go, not solving his problems. He needs to own his sh*t and continue to work on it--rehab, AA, whatever--but its not your job to solve any of his self-created problems.

Your most important task is to be the stable presence that your kids need and will continue to need. You have no control whether your ex gets his sh*t together or not, but you can do as much as possible to shield your kids from the fallout. That does not mean helping your ex--it means separating yourself from his chaos. I would question whether dating is the right move now, but only you can answer that, but you have to be really, truly honest with yourself.

It sucks. you didn't do anything to invite this mess in your life but you are stuck with it.

OP. I posted on one of your other threads and I'll say the same thing here.

You need to stop bailing him out. I know you are telling yourself you are doing it for your kids, but I suspect you are also doing it for yourself. You can feel like the bigger person, the benevolent person who helps him keep his life on track even after what he did to you. You also get the benefit of not having to deal with the fact that you fell in love with and had children with an alcoholic cheater.

You did, and now you need to let him go. He will sink or he will swim, but it's no longer your problem.

Tell him to figure it out. Why are you still so hung up on him? You sound like his mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

It's more about conflicting priorities. In this case, your first priority is your kids. Keeping your kids in your current home is hugely advantageous to them. You also need to figure out how to get those rides. If you can't do it, start looking at other options, including a part-time driver.

There is a risk that the amount of time they spend with their dad will be limited by his losing his job and getting a DUI, but those things are outside of your control. The best you can do right now to feel more in control is figure out how to make things work independently. Assume you will pay for 100% of the kids' costs and will have 100% of the responsibility for driving them around, and plan accordingly.

What will happen if he ends up in a studio far away and can't drive? Maybe he'll take a bus and have dinner with them a few nights a week. Maybe you'll drive them back and forth to his studio every other weekend. These things are manageable.

This. The stability the kids need is you, their home, the ability to do most of the things they did before, and to see their dad. You are going to have to let go of this idea that it has to be a certain way. Often, dads travel, get remarried, move, what have you, and don’t see their kids as often after a divorce. That is a function of divorce. You have to accept that reality. There will be change and different things for your kids. YOU need to be constant and give them as much stability as YOU can. You can’t control his instability you just have to insulate them from it.

I am so sorry, OP. You do not deserve this train wreck of an ex husband.

You should first get insurance. Why doesn’t your work have it? Call his insurance company. Cobra is expensive. Have them help you figure out options.

He should go and live with his parents for a while and focus on finding a job. He may need to break his lease. That is his issue. You can’t worry about all these issues. You need him to be stable, he sounds like he needs more help than you can give. I understand this will be hard for the kids. He should be collecting unemployment. Does he have any job prospects? He should be attending AA meetings regularly to be around the kids.

Other than that, yes, stop contributing to the 529s for now. And will you be okay without child support for a short time? He will likely get a new job. This is going to be fine. Do t upend your life for his constant drama.

OP, what plans were you making for healthcare once the divorce was finalized? You would have been on the hook for your own benefits at that point anyway.

His rent and DUI are not your issue. He should break his lease and move in with his parents. Perhaps you and they can work out a schedule and meet half way to trade the kids every few weekends or something.

Oh let's also not forget that he LIED about getting a DUI. HE also still continued to drive OPs children - after receiving his DUI and driving suspension.

"I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters... I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have ... one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that ... he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home...

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

I agree, OP. I am surprised by everyone saying not your problem. He is the father of your kids.

He is an alcoholic cheater who got fired. Her responsibility to her kids is to stay financially and emotionally stable herself. She can facilitate safe and reasonable visits with the kids but she cannot make him not be an alcoholic or a liar.

Also endangered himself and everyone else on the road by driving *at least once* while highly intoxicated. And we all know it wasn't the first time he did it, just the first time he got caught Alcoholics are not safe caregivers for children. Would people still be saying a crack or heroin addict who lost his job and license should still have 50/50 custody?? Alcohol gets such a pass in society but it's incredibly destructive. OP needs to put her children first, and unfortunately that does not include her STBX at this point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

I agree, OP. I am surprised by everyone saying not your problem. He is the father of your kids.

He is an alcoholic cheater who got fired. Her responsibility to her kids is to stay financially and emotionally stable herself. She can facilitate safe and reasonable visits with the kids but she cannot make him not be an alcoholic or a liar.

OP - I can’t stress it enough how important it is for you to separate your ex from kids and get him live with inlaws. As far as possible from you. Rent out your basement to pay for their insurance

I would pressure him into giving you sole custody while he’s that incapable he might agree. Try to offer him not paying any CS if you have sole he won’t need to

And the court is likely to consider his employment history and obligate him to treatment, so it’s unlikely you would be on a hook for CS

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

I agree, OP. I am surprised by everyone saying not your problem. He is the father of your kids.

No. Strongly disagree. As a mother who made a mistake of allowing an unstable exH around my child. My child was verbally, physically abused and neglected. The dad went on bringing women letting son play video games non stop, screaming , once threw him out of the house in winter jn undewear. etc

If he’s that unstable, it’s best for OP’s kids stability if father moves as far away as possible and only gets visitation under OPs close control

Yeah, I'm sure the kids love their dad and dad may love his kids, but for the time being at least, living a few blocks away from your alcoholic dad with shared custody is doubtfully what's most stable for these young kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

I agree, OP. I am surprised by everyone saying not your problem. He is the father of your kids.

No. Strongly disagree. As a mother who made a mistake of allowing an unstable exH around my child. My child was verbally, physically abused and neglected. The dad went on bringing women letting son play video games non stop, screaming , once threw him out of the house in winter jn undewear. etc

If he’s that unstable, it’s best for OP’s kids stability if father moves as far away as possible and only gets visitation under OPs close control