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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

If you’re the only parent alllowed to put a toddler to bed you have created a very bad dynamic. That has to change.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

Found the abusive DH.

Men act like this because they feel that they can. They know that OP is trapped with them and leaving will be very difficult for her.

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

So wait do you think he is abusive or no? It sounds like you don't.

If he is actually abusive, then OP is asking the wrong question.

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

If you’re the only parent alllowed to put a toddler to bed you have created a very bad dynamic. That has to change.

This is all OP's fault for not putting DH on hormones so he can produce breastmilk!

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

So wait do you think he is abusive or no? It sounds like you don't.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

If you’re the only parent alllowed to put a toddler to bed you have created a very bad dynamic. That has to change.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

Op can only control OP. Every poster that says DH should do better is not contributing to a solution. Of course he should, but if he was controllable or knew how, he already would have.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?
Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances. She has to do double duty. In her place, I would've brought the nursing toddler to the urgent care along with the concussed child. No, it's not a great situation, but he probably said some abusive things to a child who was already suffering. You can't erase the harm he most surely did to that child.

Thank you for saying this: "Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances." I'm the other poster who is getting jumped all over for saying the toddler should have gone too, but I strongly think that was the best of bad choices in the moment. The other posters are missing OP's contribution to the whole dynamic.

You lose me at “OP’s contribution to this whole dynamic.” OP is not contributing to her DH being a d*ck. She is reacting to it and coping with it. She did not “contribute” to him acting that way. I’m not clear on what your overall take here is - that OP needs to walk on ever more fragile eggshells forever? or what?

What I mean is acting like a victim instead of taking action. She needs to walk on fewer eggshells, not more. I'm not understanding why you think I'm implying more. If she'd stood up and not taken it years ago, last night wouldn't have happened. She's more comfortable complaining than making hard decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

Anonymous wrote:Still breastfeeding the toddler is a hint that OP is overdoing it with "motherly" duties and kind of a martyr over that. No need for that, if the situation is combustive. It's just not a wise spending of family time and energy.

OP, get a job and hire a nanny everyone will be happier