Before children, this woman has low desire and no interest in meaningful intimacy, yet after babies she was supposed to spontaneously want daily oral? The time to address this was approximately 20 years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married almost 20-years. Before kids, my wife, even before kids, had a low drive and little interest in having meaningful intimacy. Foreplay, exploring (nothing crazy, lingerie, or spicing it hasn’t been part of intimacy, even though bring it up. she acknowledges solo occasionally (no vibrator) and has never had an “o.”

Are suggestions on how to make intimacy more than sleeping together? Should I even continue effort?

Are you married to my wife? Its been years for me and lots of excuses. DW has no toys and I've tried. On our second marriage counselor and going nowhere.

I feel for you.

NP.

Appears this person and the OP are both husbands having similar difficulties with partners who have zero interest in intimacy.

Percentage wise: how common is this?

Is it more wives or husbands?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married almost 20-years. Before kids, my wife, even before kids, had a low drive and little interest in having meaningful intimacy. Foreplay, exploring (nothing crazy, lingerie, or spicing it hasn’t been part of intimacy, even though bring it up. she acknowledges solo occasionally (no vibrator) and has never had an “o.”

Are suggestions on how to make intimacy more than sleeping together? Should I even continue effort?

Are you married to my wife? Its been years for me and lots of excuses. DW has no toys and I've tried. On our second marriage counselor and going nowhere.

I feel for you.

Did you at least get some good suggestions from the counselors? What was your approach to introducing toys?

Anonymous wrote:Been married almost 20-years. Before kids, my wife, even before kids, had a low drive and little interest in having meaningful intimacy. Foreplay, exploring (nothing crazy, lingerie, or spicing it hasn’t been part of intimacy, even though bring it up. she acknowledges solo occasionally (no vibrator) and has never had an “o.”

Are suggestions on how to make intimacy more than sleeping together? Should I even continue effort?

Are you married to my wife? Its been years for me and lots of excuses. DW has no toys and I've tried. On our second marriage counselor and going nowhere.

I feel for you.

Anonymous wrote:Does it hurt her when you get intimate?
Thats a medical reason.

It does not.

Does it hurt her when you get intimate?
Thats a medical reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s never had an O even by herself?

That sucks. I would encourage her to try a V on her own. I also like erotic fiction/romance (I don’t do p-rn names me uncomfortable).

Maybe if she wants she can profess to having you and her try the V together. Does she not like oral?

Any suggestions on the best way to gauge possible comfort level with erotic books, a vibrator, or something similar?

She is self-conscious in that area, so my offer for oral, with limited exceptions, is not accepted.

If nothing else, I want her to realize that there is nothing wrong with spicing it up.

This is really sad. Oral sex is the easiest way for a woman to achieve orgasm but she's uncomfortable with it, which isn't unusual either. She sounds very repressed and self-concious. I would try things like giving her a body massage without it leading to sex, touching her and assuring her of her beauty and how much you love her just so she can open up to the idea of her having physical pleasure for its own sake. I would emphasize just being close and physical without oral or PIV or any goal in mind. After a while she may be more amenable to getting oral aex just for the pleasure of it.

What are your thoughts on surprising her with something new and/or spontaneous. For example, a vibrator, erotic movie, etc. Maybe even a different type of relationship. If nothing else, I would be interested in her reaction. However, I don’t want risk major damage to the relationship.

Why do you think a stranger would know your wife of twenty years better than you do?
I’m being serious.
I would say that the first step is asking her a bunch of personal questions about herself. Like why she fell in love with you, what her childhood was like, how she will feel when the kids leave home, etc. and getting to know her better than anyone.

She maybe asexual. If she really hasn't figured out by now what to do, she just doesn't have enough interest, need or want. Otherwise we all figure it out one way or another. I think instead of trying to coerce her, you should just have an adult conversation. Maybe there are some physical limitations that you don't know about (of internal organs), maybe there are some psychological limitations (she thinks she never had an "o", so she gave up), maybe there has been a bad experience. Or maybe she just doesn't care and thought that s* was a part of the deal of getting a husband, and that's that. Normally women just figure it out by rubbing or using fingers (no toys needed), so if she hasn't... there must be a reason.