Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are telling OP what's in HER best interest. Seeing their dad every day is in the kids best interest. Good for OP for trying to make that happen.

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading and reflecting on all of this advice and I'm grateful for it. I do roll over in an attempt to keep the peace and obviously that's a problem and something I need to work on to get through this. I just don't want to mess my kids up even more by making this acrimonious. It's hard.

NP here. What I'm seeing, on face value, is this- three young kids at home. Their mother moves out. Their mother takes them to and from school, and eats dinner with them, but then takes them home to dad again, where they sleep, in their home. They visit mom on the weekends, but then go home to dad.

You see them more during their waking hours, but my kid's elementary teachers see them more during their waking hours on weekdays too. Their home, where they sleep, where they live, will be with their dad. And they will see that their mom moved out.

Think long and hard about the implications of this. Don't roll over. When they get a little older, and they ask you why you moved out, what will your answer be? If your husband is ending the relationship, he can move out.

AMEN. This is no longer an emotional transaction, it’s business to protect your kids. He makes plenty of money to buy a new place. You need to stay in the home. He cheated on you, wants a divorce, and you are moving? Hell no!

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Anonymous wrote:Ok so... $250 an hour and you're available to work like 9 to 2 pm? And you need lunch and some time for administering your practice, so you're billing like 4 hours a day, assuming you have enough clients? So 20 hours a week at $250 an hour is $5000 a week, *50 weeks a year, you're grossing $250,000. But then you have your work expenses. And federal, state, and local taxes. So really, your take-home is more like $150,000 a year. Which isn't that much when you have three kids and are paying for daycare and all their activities plus retirement and college savings.

You need to see a financial pro and make sure you have a truly accurate read on your situation.

I plan on asking for him to fully fund health insurance for me and the kids until they're 25, their college and their activities. He's overly generous with the kids, buys them everything they want to make up for working so much I think. If anything I'm worried about him doubling down on that and me being the one who can't give them things.

NO! You need to disengage from this man, you do not want him to be paying your health insurance! Your marriage is ending, you need more separateness. Stop thinking of yourselves as a family unit, that's wishful thinking and it won't serve you well.

Get whatever you're "asking" in writing, and get it placed in a trust. Remember, he could die. He could lose his job. He could make someone else pregnant, he could remarry and wife #2 will press her interests very hard. He could get mad at you and stop paying child support and then you'd have to spend money taking him to court.

He's buying them toys yay how wonderful, doesn't mean he'll pay for college. Totally different dynamic.

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading and reflecting on all of this advice and I'm grateful for it. I do roll over in an attempt to keep the peace and obviously that's a problem and something I need to work on to get through this. I just don't want to mess my kids up even more by making this acrimonious. It's hard.

NP here. What I'm seeing, on face value, is this- three young kids at home. Their mother moves out. Their mother takes them to and from school, and eats dinner with them, but then takes them home to dad again, where they sleep, in their home. They visit mom on the weekends, but then go home to dad.

You see them more during their waking hours, but my kid's elementary teachers see them more during their waking hours on weekdays too. Their home, where they sleep, where they live, will be with their dad. And they will see that their mom moved out.

Think long and hard about the implications of this. Don't roll over. When they get a little older, and they ask you why you moved out, what will your answer be? If your husband is ending the relationship, he can move out.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but you come across as very passive. Why are you letting him decide how custody should be arranged? Why are you not mad he is leaving you?

Idk maybe my profession? Anger is a poison and only hurts yourself. Anger won't fix the situation or him. I can spend my time wallowing in anger or self pity or I can choose to move forward.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading and reflecting on all of this advice and I'm grateful for it. I do roll over in an attempt to keep the peace and obviously that's a problem and something I need to work on to get through this. I just don't want to mess my kids up even more by making this acrimonious. It's hard.

Anonymous wrote:The parent who drives them to school, picks them up and feeds them should probably have full custody.

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Anonymous wrote:Ok so... $250 an hour and you're available to work like 9 to 2 pm? And you need lunch and some time for administering your practice, so you're billing like 4 hours a day, assuming you have enough clients? So 20 hours a week at $250 an hour is $5000 a week, *50 weeks a year, you're grossing $250,000. But then you have your work expenses. And federal, state, and local taxes. So really, your take-home is more like $150,000 a year. Which isn't that much when you have three kids and are paying for daycare and all their activities plus retirement and college savings.

You need to see a financial pro and make sure you have a truly accurate read on your situation.

I plan on asking for him to fully fund health insurance for me and the kids until they're 25, their college and their activities. He's overly generous with the kids, buys them everything they want to make up for working so much I think. If anything I'm worried about him doubling down on that and me being the one who can't give them things.

NO! You need to disengage from this man, you do not want him to be paying your health insurance! Your marriage is ending, you need more separateness. Stop thinking of yourselves as a family unit, that's wishful thinking and it won't serve you well.

Get whatever you're "asking" in writing, and get it placed in a trust. Remember, he could die. He could lose his job. He could make someone else pregnant, he could remarry and wife #2 will press her interests very hard. He could get mad at you and stop paying child support and then you'd have to spend money taking him to court.

He's buying them toys yay how wonderful, doesn't mean he'll pay for college. Totally different dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:I think your STBX should probably move out of the family home and maybe you should sell it.

If you think he's likely to start dating again or remarry, your custody plan is unworkably complex. It kind of assumes most of your free time is child-centric.

My friend who divorced a corporate executive who cheated with coworkers bought a modest house and hired an afterschool nanny. Her ex lives in the big house which he never furnished back to being full of furniture. She had to nag him to restore the kids' bedrooms to decently equipped status. The guy brings girlfriends over when the kids are there even though he's not supposed to. And he doesn't keep up the outdoors well because he no longer has a housekeeper spouse to keep on top of things. He's just selfish and lazy. As years go by, he's relinquishing more of his custody time and his older child is vocally unhappy about him unless she's exploiting his permissive nature to get something she wants. In retrospect, my friend is somewhat sorry she didn't get him to sell the house (it was put on the market but a fluke inheritance left it in his hands). It's not a happy place for anyone but Dad since the divorce.

Maybe you could consider nesting for a while? Rotating to a common apartment with the kids staying in the house as it is? Maybe you could just rotate where the grownups sleep? If continuity with the house is that important to the kids.

Your STBX really blew it. You are being way too considerate and professional. Three kids under 6 and not allowed to express your emotions without it being a justification for betrayal. Wow! You had every right to be angry and yet you're still striving to be mature. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

Just tell him you need to explore alternate custody scenarios because you haven't found what feels right yet.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to yourself. You started this by saying there's no acrimony. But you also seem to think you need to give up a lot of money to maintain a good relationship with him! How is that not acrimony?

You say he's a good dad, but you also seem to think you need to "support" his desire to see the kids by driving them over to him. Why can't he do any of the driving, if he's such a good dad and wants to see them so badly? If he were really a good parent would he need you to spend your time and energy supporting his parent-child relationship? Is he spending his time and energy supporting *your* parent-child relationship? I doubt it.

I guess I mean there's no acrimony because I work hard to makes sure there's no acrimony. I'm not acrimonious. I feel sorry for him and sorry for my kids. I don't hate him. I don't want this to get contentious. I'm not out to take him to the cleaners or anything like this. I just want my kids to have a dad.

Well, I think that is not "no acrimony". And it means that twice-a-day handoffs are not necessarily what's best for you and your kids. Kids can sense the tension. You, them, and him might be a lot happier with less frequent switching. Good boundaries make good neighbors, and less contact can really lower the temperature. Both-parents-every-day only works if you have a really good co-parent relationship, and it sounds like you actually don't, despite your efforts and capitulations.

Why does he only want them for Saturday mornings?

I said I would be really upset not having nights with them and he said well maybe more weekend time for you would even it out.

i can’t believe he proposed this. OP are you even able to see it?

If you don't want to give up the nights, why did you agree to giving up the nights? Was it for work?

Don't you see how that lets him opt out of basically all parenting except bedtime?

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

ok - first of all you need to get your share of the marital property.

Second of all, why do you want the kids to spend 5 nights/week with him?

If I stay in the home it would make it logistically very challenging for him to see them in the evenings. He'd have to pick them up on his way home from work and then drop them off again. Just seems easier for me to get them from school and have them till bedtime.

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're being honest. And maybe I'm sounding like more of a Pollyanna than I am. I'm really not, I want everything in writing and trusts to protect them from another wife, which I'm sure he'll quickly acquire because he can't take care of his own life. College is 90% funded and he can't have any more kids. What I really want is 50% of the proceeds of the house when it's sold someday.

… and 50% of all other assets too right?

You need to what what you're entitled to. The full amount. Giving up money won't make him treat you better! Growing a spine might actually improve your parenting relationship.

You could get sick. He could get sick. A kid could get sick. He could remarry. He could die. Your parents could get really high-maintenance. All manner of bad stuff can happen and it's foolish to jeopardize your kids' financial security trying to appease a man who is dumping you. It won't work. Protect yourself.