Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

OP, as a wife with a generally awesome marriage, I can say that if my husband came to me like you did (and I had done nothing with this man), I would probably have the following reactions all at once:
1) Anger/betrayal that you had read my texts. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and we regularly leave our phones out when we're not around or we use each other's phones if needed, but I would still be upset if my husband went behind my back to read my texts because we have never discussed doing that and have a general notion of respecting each other's privacy.
2) Sadness/sympathy that I had made my husband feel insecure about our marriage and sadness/sympathy that I had done anything to make him think I didn't love him enough to never cheat on him and sadness/sympathy that he had felt embarrassed by things other had said.
3) Offense/astonishment that my husband would think I am the kind of person who would ever cheat on him, given that I have never intentionally given him any reason to think I would do something like that or that I was the kind of person who would cheat on their spouse.

There are probably more emotions I would have, but my point to you was that depending on which emotion escaped my body first (i.e. 1 or 3), I could see that perhaps my initial reaction might not be to respond kindly. Over the course of 2 days I would hope I would be able to see things more rationally, but it's possible that even though I love my husband very much and would never want to see him upset or embarrassed and it would break my heart if he thought I would cheat on him, I would also have conflicting negative emotions that might be what comes out of me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Have you said the bold to her? Acknowledged that you "see from her perspective how insulting this might be"? You should.

Have you tried to answer her question about why you're doing all this now, and not a few years ago -- years, OP! -- when she saw him regularly to exercise? She has a good point. Have you had suspicions that festered all these years? That may be why she's so monumentally pi$$3d; she may think that the last several years have been you, putting up a front and watching her every interaction like a hawk. You claim you didn't have suspicions then and I'm not hearing any concrete reasons for real red flags now, OP. She may feel blindsided and may be wondering if you've been spying on her in other ways over time. I'd start to doubt everything that had happened over the recent years after this, in her shoes.

So you need to talk to her again. And saying "Well, we're in silent treatment mode, so there's no point in trying to talk to her now!" is frankly cowardly on your part. (And yes, I also think that the silent treatment is immature on HER part, for sure, but one of you has to be the bigger person to start working on this. Let it be you. If you insist it be her, well, you and she both have MUCH larger problems of intransigent stubbornness.)

You admit that you have communication issues already. You and she need an objective third party like a therapist or counselor to hash this out or the mistrust between you over this mess is going to fester and will always be there. Great recipe for an eventual breakup. Sitting back and saying "I'll see what she has to say" is letting things stew, OP. Don't let it stew. You should apologize to her, tell her you haven't been spying on or perseverating about this for years (have you--?) and point out what is good in your relationship, then say you recognize you blindsided her with this. It's fine to say you felt you had to articulate your concerns, OP! But you need to pair that with recognition of her feelings of being blindsided and accused by you.

Then get outside help.

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I have a similar relationship with our male neighbor. We also share a common interest that neither of our spouses do so we've done things surrounding that together, sometimes with our sons who are starting to share the interest too. Nothing else is going on. There is no emotional affair, there is no desire to sleep with him. We may sit next to each other but we don't converse with just each other. I don't know if DH has ever read the texts. If he has, I'm fine with it. They don't vary much from the texts I have with other people with that interest.

I know people won't believe me, I just don't see him that way.

I totally agree. I used to have a male friend who I did lots of things with, texted, talked on the phone, visited him at his house, worked with him, played on a softball team with him, got rides with him or him with me, I could go on and on. We were both married and we never crossed any lines including no flirting. I found him attractive and guess he probably did me too but neither of us was interested in blowing up our marriages so we were just friends. If my husband had questioned this relationship I would have been pretty upset.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

I think the silent treatment is an unacceptable method of dealing with an issue, but I can also understand why she is upset that her husband read her texts. I say things to my girlfriends that I'd rather my husband not read and I would be upset if he read them.

Really? I complain about my husband to my girlfriends too, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t say to his face. If he had the patience to go through my texts it would very much be a nonissue.

Also, she definitely should not be telling neighbor guy anything she wouldn’t want DH to know.

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get people who jeopardize their reality for fantasy.

Anonymous wrote: To the person who is outraged that I am suggesting a broken home for the kids, no, I’m suggesting that divorce is a viable option, just like selling the house and moving is a viable option, and that plan will cause stress too. The marriage may survive a “let’s talk about divorce talk” better than an actual move, yet somehow divorce talk is … just not allowed.
For whatever reason, this situation is something the op is no longer willing to tolerate, and he doesn’t have to. The wife is closer to a man then most people would like, I know I’d not be pleased if my husband was going out with a woman this evening instead of one of his buddies. OP was fine with what his wife was doing until well, he wasn’t. If the wife was a good person, she at least be talking with her husband about all this. She isn’t, and if she’s going to behave this way, far better for op to take care of himself and start the divorce process v. Sitting around waiting and hoping.
Me, personally, I could care less what they do. I didn’t post and my husband’s behavior has been fine. If it wasn’t, I’d do what I could about it and the one thing I could do with no participation on his part is end the marriage. OP can too.
Being divorced would be preferable then watching your spouse get all gooey over someone else then freeze you out when you point it out to her. F*** that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seemed hurt because you called her out, and that made her feel ashamed for her thoughts/actions. Which she thought you hadn’t noticed and were therefore acceptable. If she truly had only 100% platonic feelings for the guy and was not attracted to him in any way shape or form, she probably would have seemed more amused by the suggestion.

I agree with this, I bet she was embarrassed, but also mad at you for being suspicious because she hadn’t acted on those feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Based on her reaction, she acted all over your neighbor.

Anonymous wrote:She seemed hurt because you called her out, and that made her feel ashamed for her thoughts/actions. Which she thought you hadn’t noticed and were therefore acceptable. If she truly had only 100% platonic feelings for the guy and was not attracted to him in any way shape or form, she probably would have seemed more amused by the suggestion.