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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

What you aren't answering is how does DH feel about it? Only then can we determine where this is coming from. I mean, to me this screams DH is talking to his mom about it.

He encouraged it and is delighted. I was never home before and always stressed. He barely speaks to his mother.

So why is this such a big deal?

Idk I'm getting troll vibes now.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

What gave you the impression the mil is funding anything? Do you depend on your in laws financially?!

I'm the OP. We don't depend on them at all. They have a troubled son who has been in and out of expensive rehabs and has drained a lot of their money, actually.

Wow, and you don't think they might be concerned when they see their other son dropping from 2 incomes to 1 as a potential issue? Do you always have this much contempt for your partners parents?

DP. there was not contempt from OP. she merely said a couple relevant facts: they don't take or need money from ILs, and another son does.

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

NP. Wow, reach much? Show me where in the OP that MIL funds any part of their life. Should we assume that because that is your knee-jerk response that Mommy and Daddy or MIL/FIL subsidize your life? Some of us are grown, independent adults who pay for our own houses, vehicles, schools, etc. Just so you know.

NP. it's a good angle. Maybe the In laws gifted the down payment or 529s or vacations or trusts. We don't know either way.

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

I got defensive because I was called a sadsack and it was inappropriate. I would tell my kids not to call other people names. It's impolite.

Your last post reminds me of my Ex who would never talk about the elephant in the room or answer people's questions.
It was partly due to slow processing speed, aspergers, wanting to please everyone, and not wanting to talk about anything except the weather or the news.

His solution was to deflect, escalate and get the other person aggravated by riddles and silence. They'd ask nicely again. They'd point out they needed to stay on task. They ask again. More riddles and deflections. Then by the 7th time the person would say something about the rudeness or neglect or say You're Being an XYZ. Bingo! He got you. THen he'd start an argument about how bad you are and you name-call. All to save him from answering a normal question! He pissed of many people over the years and ruined many relationships doing this.

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

Dude, you can ask your immediate family what they're doing since their QUIT their job.

In my MBA circles that'd be a big deal and big decision to exit the work force. We all understand quitting a terrible boss or company or position, but the natural next step is what's your plan and time frame, how can we help, what are you looking to do, or are you going to stay home for 3, 6, 9, forever months?

BFD normal topic to tell family and friends. You don't hide it. You don't lie about it. sheesh.

It's normal to talk about it but not normal for someone to chime in and call you a sad sack for taking a break when you were not soliciting advice.

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

Don’t listen to these fools, OP. DCUM is not known to attract those with social acumen (or human emotions).

I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines.

At least some of us can read. MIL is retired.

Oh, well in that case she should get her own a$$ back to work and stop being such a layabout. See how easy that was? Doesn’t change the overall point of the reply, ya dummy.

But thanks for proving my point that most on DCUM are idiots with zero social skills! (Yes, I am including you with your stupid “gotcha!” moment.)

You think reading the OP is a "gotcha"? Do you know how forums work?

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

Dude, you can ask your immediate family what they're doing since their QUIT their job.

In my MBA circles that'd be a big deal and big decision to exit the work force. We all understand quitting a terrible boss or company or position, but the natural next step is what's your plan and time frame, how can we help, what are you looking to do, or are you going to stay home for 3, 6, 9, forever months?

BFD normal topic to tell family and friends. You don't hide it. You don't lie about it. sheesh.

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

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Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

NP. She may not be jealous, but she is insecure: secure people do not try to belittle others. They are simply too busy enjoying their own life and minding their own business. Only insecurity or jealousy motivates people to be unkind to someone they ALLEGEDLY love and/or have close ties to.

Nope

Not about insecure or secure.

Many “types” of people say comments about staying home or quitting a job.

Op claims MIL said it half jokingly. Somewhat bad form but an attempt to start a convo on what the plan is. I assume no one told her much or there is no plan?
No harm proactively telling your parents or in laws yours taking the year off. Maybe you work in an industry where that doesn’t matter. But saying nothing is odd. Or leaving it as “some time off” is an odd way to out it, I’d assume you’re looking and being picky. Senior job searches take time and good timing. So always be looking!

Do you get that it is none of MIL’s business “what the plan” is? DH and OP run their household. THEY are the only two people who need to agree on and be in support of “the plan,” or know “what the plan is,” do you get it? No, seriously asking: do you get that?

If there was some level of communication here to people spending all day in your house, then you wouldn't get these Shock & Awe solicitation questions or comments.

I assume OP didn't answer the question realtime either. When are you going to stop being such a sad sack OP?

What did you answer her?

Silence? a joke? never? "in a while." I'm not. Whoa rude comment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

Good for you, this is actually what we teach starting in middle school. Everybody in this world will hear a story about you that is not true, who cares. Your close friends and family know the real you. Let the stories go, be you, be confident in who you are. No you didn't sleep with Joey Jock at the homecoming but everyone said you did, who care, you know you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

Anonymous wrote:Now there's a word I have heard or read in decades. I think I'd bust out laughing.

But probably defense mechanisms would kick in and I'd be silent. Then write a note or tell DH to later.

Good point. no one would call anyone a sad sack nowadays. it's a term from 100 years ago that no one knows plus its totally insulting.

Troll giveaway.